No contact question - do I reply?

[ascen]

Ok I am trying No Contact with my ex (She dumped me after 3 1/2 years - tried begging - was friends - not getting anywhere so I cut off contact) She is now emailing me asking me if I am not talking to her anymore. So do I reply and tell her that I have been busy or ignore her (which will probably not bother her anyway) - I need a new game plan - any ideas? - I really do want her back someday -preferably soon.

[ember]

If you really want her back then don't ignore her. Don't break off contact either. Building a good friendship will put you one step closer to being with her again.

[S4il]

ember is correct here, don't burn the bridges of communication, you might in the future regret doing that, and will loose her as being a friend, takes things as they come. "give a little take a little"

[Lobster]

Hi ascen,

 

it obviously bothers her in some way, or she wouldn't have mailed you in the first place, as far as I see it. I would tell her you have been busy, and that you haven't had the time, and remain friendly but neutral (ie no 'relationship' talk).

 

I myself am in NC of around 5 weeks now, after my husband left in February (tried all the begging etc... didn't work for me either). He had to call over recently for some stuff, and as soon as he saw I wasn't an emotional wreck anymore... he has been emailing, texting (and contacting me online... every night since the weekend now). I have not made myself 'available' every time he wants to talk etc, so maybe trying that would be a course of action for you also.

 

Reading posts on this forum has helped me immensely too; I have gained a better understanding of myself and my situation through this place, so have a good look around and you'll get alot of useful advice.

 

Hang in there!

[Tinkerbell]

I agree with Lobster, her email proves that she has been thinking about you, even if it isn't in a romantic way.

What might help you is an interesting post that myJoy made, titled Strategy for Getting Back Together w/ Your Ex.

If you have the chance, take a look at it:

link removed

[gem81]

Guys,

I had been using this "No-Contact" thing from the previous week.I got good signs from her(u know what i mean)...

Anyways,then she came to see me,i was in the office,She came with her friend.She made a joke that she actually went to see some of her friend,and actually it was not me..,I replied in the same tone(bad me...i never got it right there....),that i was also not looking for her,But guys Trust me,it was a joke.....

....and then meeting ended.

Guys,After that i had a feeling that she is trying to avoide me too,I assume she has felt her insult that i said i was also not looking for her,in front of her friend and that she came to see me specially,but i ignored her.

Well you know this is what "No contact" actually means,"Ignoring for some purpose,but i am feeling bad afterwards of what and Why i said that to her.I called her last night and got a normal tone,though we never talked about that matter atall,but thats the Ice ifeel.

Please help me Melt this up.

What do u people think is going on here.Am i right that she is feeling bad on my words,Is she using the same "No contact" technique after recieving my call and preciving that i have felt the cold shoulder",if yes,then what should i do??

Yes i want her back,so please advice.

[Michael2]

Ignore her. Do not play the friends card at all. Okay.

 

She dumps you , then writes you and expects for you to jump up and down and write back. Nope, it doesnt work that way.

 

Give it two more weeks, no contact at all. She writes again after those two weeks. You write her back, 2 lines at the most. Telling her you have been really busy, blah blah blah, thats it. If I was you, I wouldnt even respond to emails. How unemotional. If she really wanted to get in contact with you, she would CALL you. DO not contact her until she called you, even then do not answer, she calls again, answer, keep it short and hang up.

 

She is feeling guilty about what she is doing, so to help her out her own feeelings she emails you. Please, be strong.

[raider5]

I agree with Michael. I'd listen to him, he says a lot of smart things. But I'll try to be as objective as possible

 

Now here are your options in order of amount of Contact:

 

1) Go the friends route. Here you risk landing in "friend zone". If you do go this route make sure you DO NOT talk to her about anyone she's seeing. Don't let her start to talk about her life without you like if she starts talking about "your next relationship," you need to keep talk like you're still dating. If she ends up seeing you as "just a friend" you'll regret your choice here. I have heard of the friends route working if they are with someone else. They say to themselves, "What am I doing in this crappy relationship, I have a great guy/girl right here all along". But this usually only works if he/she's with someone else. If she didn't leave you for someone else than you're not in competition with anyone else, there's another reason why she's not with you which means that if you don't fix that problem then you keep risking finding yourself in friend zone.

 

2) Tell her you need time alone and she needs to respect it:

There is no element of surprise but you do get the fact of telling her how much you care. KNOW THAT THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME YOU GET TO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS. If you do do no contact then you better make your last words memorable because if months down the road you come back professing love then you just lost all credibility. "Look. He's still puddy in my hands after all this time."

 

3) Don't tell her about needing space just stop talking to her

This gets them thinking. But you better have an excuse ready. You could play the game. Or you could just have an ulterior motive-- she can't contact you if YOU REALLY ARE BUSY. Then it's not a game, you're just trying to heal.

 

4) Tell her you can't take the pain anymore and cut all ties and hope for the best. Believe it or not but it does work sometimes. And if it does work, you know that the love is strong. For someone to call up someone who stopped talking to them takes a swallowing of pride, a humbling of ego, a burying of fear, and desire for love, all because the person really does care.

 

Know that there is a point where it goes from them wanting to come back and you coaxing them back. The harder you work, the less likely it's going to work the next time around. You really shouldn't concentrate on her, but on you. If you're lucky she'll see a superman. Everythign changed, ESPICALLY the reasons she left you! BUT YOU CANNOT TELL THEM THIS!!!! Make sure she sees them. Everythign has to come from her mind. If she detects any manipulation she will defend against it.

 

It ends up working like this. You will decend from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4. You'll realize that the friends thing isn't working and you'll heal more and more, and eventually you'll contact less and less.

 

She will worry more and more why your not contating her, she'll think that you hate her, then she'll start to hate you for playing games, then she'll realize that she doesn't hate you but that you need your space. She'll have her own life to deal with and she'll concentrate on that. She'll think about you a lot but she wont see the reason, and probably wont have the courage to contact you. At this point she'll have to hit rock bottom before she calls you. She'll really have to want you back bad to call you at that point. But after this I don't know. Because this is where I am.

 

Good luck.

[Michael2]

I like your post raider.

 

I would shoot for number 4.

[ascen]

Quick update She has emailed me asking why I am not speaking to her (I didn't reply).

I had to see her one night to pick something up from her, so I called her and met her (very briefly) she said that I looked nice and when she walked out of the car she gave me one of those looks (like a smile but with eye contact).

She text me later that night (I didn't respond), The next day I had a missed call on my mobile and another text asking me how I was?.

I really don't know what she is thinking. She didn't ask any questions when she met me - usually she asks me who I'm seeing and tells me about her new fella (both good and bad points about him) is this a good sign?. - I have not replied yet - should I?

Also usually she would just email me at work- now she is contacting me by phone (mainly texts) - I need to know how to play this game!!!!!!

[ascen]

I would just like to say a big thank-you for all your replies. - It always helps getting advice from people who have an outside view. I wish all of you the best of luck and hope that you all reach your goals.

[Lobster]

Hi again ascen,

 

in my situation, I have been replying when he contacts me (not straight away), but I have not initiated contact with him. I have always been friendly but neutral in any replies and most of all, brief. No Contact is to heal yourself from the breakup, get stronger, and concentrate on you. It is a long process, and I know my own situation is far from sorted out by any means, but after he saw that I could indeed 'live without' him, it seemed to spark some sort of interest again.

 

No-one knows the best course of action in all cases, as every breakup is different, but just do what you feel is right and hopefully soon things will take a turn for the better.

 

Take care, and let us know how you get on.

[lisaria]

Hi ascen,

It sounds like you're in a pretty good place right now. She is wondering why you aren't chasing her and probably just what are you up to and if you're seeing someone. Especially if you've not said anything to her about your life lately. I would take it very slow. If nothing else, not contacting her will give you a little time for healing and thinking things through. It's tough and not knowing what to do is really hard. I get so confused and have so many conflicting thoughts still that my mind feels like a blender some days. Ok, most days. Should I do this? should I do that? What if I email him? Call him? No, I can't. Yes, I can. No, I can't. And on it goes.

Whatever you decide to do let us know how it goes, ok? I hope it goes good for you.

Lisa

[ascen]

I try to follow the advice on here. The main advice to get back with your ex seem's to be to follow the no contact rule which I have been doing. She has now given up on trying to contact me but is getting in touch with my mates by sending texts and even ringing them (she never contacted them before).

Now I feel as though it wont be long between something happens between them- I know that one of my mates (not a good mate) fancied my ex and to be honest I can't really trust him (as he feels as though he's got the green light).

I'm not in a position to start loosing friends but I feel as though she wants to hurt me for hurting her by not contacting her.

I know that she was never at all interested in this friend when I was with her and she even mentioned how ugly he was. He say's that he hasn't replied - So she could be just checking up on me - maybe my mind is playing overtime. but without contact I wont find out, and if I do make contact - how can I keep it light and cheery?

Now what? Is she calling him to try to get back with me? or to hurt me? or what?

I just needed some space and it feels like it's going to blow up in my face.

What is she thinking?

[Jerseygirl]

hey ascen, im pretty much in ur girlfriends situation, so i think i can tell u what shes thinking bc its what im thinking. Honestly, i've been doing no contact with him, and sometimes when i just NEED to feel somewhat connected to him i call his friends. It makes me feel better. I've recently been hanging out with one of his best friends, and this way i feel closer to my ex in a way. I am not attracted to this friend at all, and all i think about is my ex when i talk to him. She is def. trying to make u jealous as she has nooo feelings for ur friend, she is most likely hanging with him bc he is something that comes closest to YOU. Once.. I started to TRY and make myself attracted to one of my ex's friends, but no matter what i would always think of him, i just subconsciously used them as friends to be closer to my ex. Hang in there, pretend like you don't care, it will drive her nuts. And i'm telling she doesn't have feelings for ur friends, she has feelings for you.

Also, if she tries and contact you, i think you should respond to it. But in a light, happy way. End the convo first and show as if you are too busy to talk to her. Don't avoid her if she tries and contacts you, you have to show her your a nice pleasant person.

Hope this helped!

[ascen]

This nc thing is getting pretty dificault for me, I last had an e-mail last week - asking me if I was ignoring her.

I haven't replied and neither has she.

I have seen her pass me in a car and all I got was a quick wave and a smile.

 

I know it hasn't been that long but it's starting to hurt and it feels like breaking up all over again.

I really want to send a quick reply to her email apologising for not replying sooner but to explain that I have been busy, I even want to ask her out for a drink, so that she can see me happy and cheery (even though I'm not feeling very happy at the moment).

Should I send a short email? and put the ball back into her court? or should I leave it and risk her never speaking to me again.

 

P.S Thanks for the replies everyone.

[Mun]

Ascen, I think its due time you call her up and invite her for coffee.. or something like that where you two can chit chat a bit and hopefully start off on the right foot this time. No contact is good but it serves a purpose: to help you heal and make the other person realize your worth.

 

It sounds to me like she has re-evaluated the situation. This NC rule was applied to me and I almost fell down when I read your post. I was text messaging him and calling him asking why he was not talking to me! Doing the same things as your girl except in my situation his friends were looking me up ( I suppose to see if Id talk about him and then report back to him). Eventually I did NC to him not really knowing what was going on but feeling neglected... and he started calling me..

 

Call her and keep it light and friendly--don't talk too much on the phone just call to set up a date and then let her go--

Time to start over sweetie.. Good Luck !

[craigblitz]

A little background: 3 year realtionship

She broke up with me. Reason : Not sure we are diiferent which nobody buys, not even her best friend.

 

Ok, Friday the ex called to let me know the real esate lady called and needed to get in contact with me. We talked for a while and then got talking about us again. I basically said I can not just be your friend. I said I love you too much and I would not be honest to me to do that. I said I am so sick of missing her and thinking of her. I said if you want me out of your life just tell me, she said she doesn't want that. She said that she can not keep talking to me because she always ends up crying. I told her that she has my numbers and that she will have to contact me if she wants to talk. She says good-bye and said I love you, but I did not say it back. I later voice mailed her and said I love her to, but I am not contacting her. I feel like I broke every rule by doing this. But how in the world can she expect me to just be friends. Man I wish I was more sober when she called. Now it is Tuesday and have not heard anything. I want to text her so bad, just to say hi and let her know I am thinking of her, but know I can't. Basically I am not contacting her at all, but man it would be great to have her call, but I think I might have pushed her too far away. I just have no ideas at this point. Why would she tell me that she loves me, but doesn't think we will get back together. Then says so if we ever do get back together you can't be my friend. I just need to hear some thoughts people. Did I totally blow any change with her?

[JTS]

You should contact her but not everytime she contacts you. Wait a day or so then say you were buisy and didn't get a chance to call her back. That were make her feel like she is no longer the most important thing in your life. Which will make her try and make moves to become that again.

[Mun]

It sounds to me like she still loves you but there is something missing in the relationship and thats why she broke up with you. Do you know what that is? Sometimes if a girl sees that a guy is dragging his feet about commitment she will give up on him. I'm not saying that is the case here but maybe you should look at the possibilities of why she broke up in the first place. You do need to talk face to face though. This phone thing is not good. You cannot see the persons reaction to what you are saying and its too easy to hide your feelings over the wire. Try asking her (in person) what went wrong, then listen to her--don't interrupt or correct her--just hear her out you might discover something important.

Good luck !

[craigblitz]

Well, I am definelty not dragging my feet, in fact I was going to ask her to marry me at the end of this year. The only thing that bothered her was that I am not Catholic. I have told her that I would support outr kids and everything if she wants to raise them that way and so on, but it still kind of bothers her. Right after we broke up I told her I would do anything she wanted me to, blah blah, but you can't convince anyone of that right after a break-up. But other than that we had a fantastic healthy relationship.

 

Here are some things I want to throw and get some people thoughts. In advance thank you all so much this board has been god-sent. Also, keep in mind I have taken a new job where I will be travelling a bit, but she is the one who told me to take it, but maybe this scared her, who knows.

 

1.) 3 saturdays ago she broke up said she needed space. I was hurt and went home. She wanted me to come to dinner with her that night and still go to Mothers Day at her families house. I was like it is too hard

 

2.) Sunday - next day I am at wits end I call email her tell her much I love her etc etc. She gets home at 3 am and lets me know she got in ok. I call her and I pressed the issue from where it went from spcae to break up.

 

3.) Wednesday - She calls, I tell her I miss her (mistake I know) everything was cool. She asked if it would be ok for her to come by on Saturday to see me and my son. I was hesitant, but was like ok come on over.

 

4.) Saturday - Saturday was awsome she came over hugged me like crazy. I said I really miss you, she said it too. Hung out for a while. She needed to get ready for work, she is showering tells me to come in we talk about light stuff. She gets dressed in front of me. Tells me the break-up is making her lose weight (joke like comment).

 

5.) Sunday - She txt me and says it was great seeing you, have a safe trip. I said it was nice seeing her.

 

6.) Monday - I am thinking things are cool, I email gave her my new contact info. We talked about going on a trip with some friend so I sent her some info on that (dumb I know). Didn't get a reply.

 

7.) Wenesday - She emails something stupid signs love . I didn't write back. I called, she said she was really surprised I haven't called in a couple of days. we start talking and I tell her this is killing me and I miss her and I just want some answers. She has nothing. Cries and so on. I appologize and said I am not trying to make you cry I just want to understand. She told me the hardest thing she has ever done was breaking up with me, but she is just not sure she can be happy with me. I tell her that is fine just do not close the door to the future that is all I am asking. Hung up.

 

8.) Friday she calls and the conversation about the real estate lady calling, and the Wednesday conversation happened again. I told her I can' be her friend you call me when you want to talk. (I am thinking that might have been dumb).

 

9.) Tuesday - I notice that she has come over to my house and taken 1 pair of her shoes. She still has 4 pairs there and some other non essential things. WTF??? Why take one pair of shoes?? Everyone is like because she wants a reason to come back sometime. I don't know, here it is Wednesday and still not word from her. It is getting easier for me, but then I get scared it is getting easier for her not to be with me. I want to call her soooo bad jsut to say hi, and let her know it is cool to call me because I am not trying to change her mind on this.

 

She has even said that I am going to make some girl so happy someday, the starts bawling. And she said she knows this might be the biggest mistake of her life bawls again. I think it is BS, and just trying to make me feel better. How can you just decide we are different after 3 years?? Do you thinks she will ever call again? Should I call her.

 

OMG this is a book I am sorry people.

[ascen]

I have just sent her a text message simply saying that - I had only just read her email and I am not ignoring you - have just been busy lately. Take care.

 

Does this sound like the right type of thing to say? and what should she think when she reads it? anyway I have left the ball in her court and it feels a bit better for me - at least if she doesn't reply I can say that I tried.

[craigblitz]

Sounds good, I think at this stage everyone is over analyzing everything because you are afraid you might do something not to get them back. I beggining to think it does not matter at this point. If they want to get back together they will. I don't know, but your reply seems safe enough.

[Michael2]

The key to this entire situation , is that you want the proverbial "ball" in your court, not hers.

 

Not talking to her, and showing no contact, in many cases will not push them away. If it did, then they dont deserve to be with you in the first place.

 

If a few weeks, or even months of no contact makes the person completely forget about you, then you can come to the rational conclusion that it was not true love.

[ascen]

I got a reply pretty soon after I sent the text the reply asked me to call her soon to catch up.

 

I think that I should leave it for a bit though - and just give her a bit more space (I don't know how long though).

 

I am starting to get tired of analyzing every movement and treading on egg shells - it is starting to feel like too much effort and I get nervous calling her or hearing from her.

At the end of the day if she wants me - then she knows where i am.

 

I think that she wants me to make an effort and win her back (maybe just to make herself feel special - or to make me feel like an idiot) but to be honest - I don't know how to, and it will probably end up scaring her off.

Or maybe she just wants me as a back up plan - who knows.

 

I want her back but the games hurt too much - she knows the score.

 

I don't think that dumping someone is ever a spare of the moment decision - It takes a lot of thought and time.

If she made that decision - then I can't see her going back on it.