things going downhill, open relationship, lying girlfriend &

[derek_w]

Hey ya'll, I'm going to keep this as short as possible. It's always nice to get advice from strangers. I'm not sure if I posted to the proper forum, as well.

 

My girlfriend and I have known each other for 2 years and have been dating for more than a year and a half. When we met, she was in college and I was out of college. We're 2 years apart. Our relationship was great; we shared many mutual interests, found out we had mutual friends, went on many vacations together, i've met her parents a number of times, including staying at their house for 10 days and going to vegas with them. Her parents love me, usually me and her dad go off and do things while the ladies go shopping and stuff (when they are in town, they're 3000 miles away normally).

 

Now, go back about 6 weeks. She starts talking about someone in her poetry class. Some guy who has been writing her all sorts of poems. She says they are friends, but she only wants to keep him as a friend. She also said he isn't very attractive (both of us are very good looking), and that I have nothing to worry about. Writing isn't my strong suit, I'm more of a mechanical guy. So I trust her, and think nothing of it. She tells me he is intersted in her romantically (because he hasnt had a gf in 3 years) and that she's been writing him poems telling him no. This guys name is trevor.

 

So she's on the virge of graduating college. She doesnt know what she's going to do. Big changes. She's uncertain of where she's going to live and be after september. So she told me she wanted to have an "open relationship". Gah. During our glory days, she told me "i think open relationships are stupid, if you want to sleep around just become single". She justifies it now by saying, "well, I'm not looking for anyone, but if something happens I dont want to be held back by you".But she said she still loved me, and did not want to hurt me. Ok, I can take this, for now. I tell her, if this is going to work, we both need to be HONEST. If anything happens with someone else, we need to tell each other. I'm not interested in anyone else. I asked her a few times if she's taken advantage of the "open relationship" and she told me No. One day last week, she was sleeping, and I was suspicious, so I read her journal. One entry said "I did trevor last week". It felt like I was kicked in the teeth. I shouldnt have read her journal, but she was lying to me, and a pretty big lie too. I woke her up and she knew I read her journal after I told her. She said she didnt want to tell me, because she's not interested in this guy anymore, they were drunk, etc. Then she says she didn't have sex with him (do him?? sound like it to me), but they just fooled around. I don't believe that and now I have a hard time trusting her. When I'm not hanging out with her, she seems distant on the phone, and is hard to reach. I want to ask her if she's been with anyone else, because I have a feeling she wouldnt tell me if she has. In person she is a little better, but something feels different. Part of me wants to just tell her we should not see each other, part of me wants to know the truth about everything, and part of me wants to be with her. I dont know what to do. How do I get a lying girlfriend to tell me the truth? Also, I know how to contact this trevor guy. I have held back, but part of me really wants to let him have it. He knows about me and is afraid of me. He asked her if I could beat him up, yeah I could. But I dont want to, I only want to write to him. I've also held back from doing anything stupid or rash, like wildly accuse her of things, burn bridges, etc. I'm 24. Thanks for reading.

 

D

[Meow18]

My first advice is don't do anything to Trevor. I know we always want to get back at that person who messed around with our partner, but he's not the one to blame. Yes he did take part in it, but you both knew how much he liked your girlfriend & your girlfriend let him do this, why would he have passed up this opportunity?? Its obvious that he admires your girlfriend because he writes poems about her & tells her he is interested. Who knows what your girlfriend may have said to him, maybe she told him that you both weren't serious anymore. Your girlfriend is the one to blame here. Plus, you both agreed on an "open relationship" so if this happened during that period, then technically they didn't do anything wrong.

But she did lie to you. I don't blame you for not trusting her. I wouldn't trust someone who lied to me about something so serious either. If she can lie to you about something that serious, she's probably lying about smaller things too. You need to ask yourself if this is the type of girl you want to be with. Someone who doesn't want to be serious with just you right now & someone who lies to you because she thinks the truth would hurt you more. Whats worse is that you didn't find out the truth from her. You read it in her journal. Does this mean she never would have told you about this?? I really don't think she deserves you. At least not right now. She's not honest & honesty is an important part of a relationship. If you can't trust her, its just going to cause more problems later on.

[tiger_lilies]

Your girlfriend lied and cheated on you. Whether she really "did" Trevor or not, she still was unfaithful to you. Why would you want a cheating, lying girlfriend whom you will no longer be able to trust back??? I know it's much easier said then done, but you need to let her go man.

"well, I'm not looking for anyone, but if something happens I dont want to be held back by you".

 

This means that she thinks there are other guys out there that are better than you...or better suited to her than you. She is keeping you around as her support. She familiar with you, why not keep you around until someone better comes along?

 

She is distant because she is hiding things from you. She is not being honest with her feelings and that's what's causing the confusion for you. Have you forgiven her??? Because if you forgive her easily, then she will just do it to you again.

 

Cheating is all about selfishness. She was not thinking about you when she cheated, she was thinking about herself only!

[derek_w]

Plus, you both agreed on an "open relationship" so if this happened during that period, then technically they didn't do anything wrong.

 

Thanks Maggie. What's ripping me up is I don't know if she was with Trevor and THEN wanted an open relationship, or if after we agreed (well, she sort of said, this is how it's going to be) on the open relationship. The dates are foggy, and entry in her journal was not specific on the day(it said 'last week'. I wish she would just come clean with me. I'm milling over my options, and I'm probably going to tell her we cant see each other anymore after this weekend. Unless she does something out of this world to build my trust in her. Not bloody likely...

[pollylop]

Hi again, Derek. Call me old fashioned, but I think it's virtually impossible for open relationships to work, as the idea is usually driven by one half of the couple only, whereas the other person will often go along with it either to please their partner or because they're fearful of their partner leaving if they say 'no'. Unless you really like the idea of being able to hook up with other girls and you have no problem at the idea of your girlfriend sleeping with other men (and it sounds like you probably do), then this situation only benefits your girlfriend and is at the expense of your peace of mind. If you really want to make a go of things with her, and she does too, then it might make sense to suggest going back to a monogamous relationship, but if she agrees, would you feel that you'd able to trust her again, or would your imagination be running wild every time you're not with her? If you do choose to separate from your girlfriend, it's best to try and do it reasonably calmly rather than hurl abuse at her (tempting as it probably is!), as it's easy to say things you may regret at a later date. As for Trevor, maybe you could just 'visualize' beating him up few times to make yourself feel better, but whatever happens, don't actually do it! Anyway, without wishing to make light of the situation, an unattractive poetry writer called Trevor isn't likely to have girls queuing up to 'do' him in future, so you should pity him really ;-)

[ilios69]

hey man i know what your going through,if you have lost trust in her than just pack your bags and hit the road.because now it is time for her to gain your trust back.i wasted another year and a half into a 4 yr relationship with a women that i should of dumped the first time she lied to me.because now every time your not with her your going to wonder if she is with trevor.do yourself a favor and dont do anything stupid to her or to him.there just not worth it.your just going to drive yourself crazy and constantly accuse her and question her.shes going to tell you that your crazy and just never admit to it anyway unless you just catch her in the act.sorry to be so harsh but thats the way it is.how can a relationship work if there is no trust?

[derek_w]

Last night we got together. It was her birthday, and the plan was for me to stay over. The night before we celebrated her bday, so it was just going to be a quiet night. I wanted to bring stuff up with her on the the weekend, as to not spoil her bday. But it turned out that we spoke about stuff last night.

 

I told her (again) that I did not want to be part of an open relationship and if she would consider being exclusive. She said no, and then gave me reasons why she said no. We spoke about this for some time, and then I asked her if she had been with anyone else (except the guy from before) and she said yes. Turns out she made out with some guy a few nights ago, but she said she felt really bad afterwards and hasnt spoken to him since. The situation was pretty grim, but we had plans to go over to a friends house so off we went. We stayed for a bit, and then went back to her house. On the walk back I told her it would be best if we stopped seeing each other, for at least a few weeks, because being in a open relationship hurt me too much. Well, she a little upset and said "I can't even email or call you on the phone". I said no, nothing, no contact. It's too hard for me to be in touch with you, I will never heal. Then she went on about how she will have no one to talk to, no one to call. I said what about those guys you were with, and then named a few more of her friends. She seemed pretty hurt by me not wanting any contact with her, and it was tough saying it but I had to. Back at her house, I told her that I have lost lots of trust in her, because of the lies I discovered. She had nothing to say and again was pretty hurt by that too. I also told her I'm not mad at the guys she was with, because it was her decision. Initially I wanted to say something to these guys, but they're not at fault. And I said I'm also not mad at her, nor do I think she's a bad person, because I can understand where she was coming from. Our relationship was getting a little stagnant. That made her cry, but the real kicker was when I told her if we broke up for good, I would learn from the opportunity and make myself a better person because of it, and not fall into depression or stagnation. At that point she said "I will not see anymore guys" and gave me a hug. We watched a seinfeld rerun and went to bed, but slept apart from each other. I was still unsure if we were going to do the no contact thing when I fell asleep.

 

When I got up and left in the morning (at 6.30, she was asleep), I woke her up and said bye. She said 'since i gave you what you want, are we still going to see each other' and I said "ok". But she has plans with her band this weekend, and I am renting a house out of town memorial day weekend with my car club buddies, so I won't see her this weekend, or next. We see each other during the week, but I don't know if that will happen either. I probably won't call her, but I might pick the phone up if she calls me. I'm still hurt and I need to build up trust with her again. And even after that, I don't know if Ill want to stay with her. Ill know in a few weeks.

 

D

[Cecelius]

If I were in your shoes, I'd dump her. She's treated you poorly and she's experimenting and confused, all the red flags. God knows what she says about you to these other guys or they about you -- its the most monumentally disrespectful thing I've heard.

 

You may have the impusle to try to "grow" the relationship in a mature and deep, meaningful way, but she's making out with other guys... She's not ready.

 

You don't need to judge her or think poorly of her. Just get rid of her and find someone who's not confused. Just because she backed off her other positions when you stood up to her doesn't mean she loves you -- it means she was afraid of having her default boyfriend.

[ilios69]

as hard as this is to hear Cecilius is absolutely right

[pollylop]

I wouldn't feel the need to rush into a decision - you can see how things go over the next few weeks and how you feel about things once all this has had a chance to sink in. Not that I think Cecelius is wrong, but if you leave someone before you've allowed yourself enough time to fully adjust to the fact that you want to leave them then it's really easy, once you've recoved from the shock of what you've done and start to feel miserable about the fact that you're alone (which is a stage you go through, I'm afraid!), to start wondering if you've made the right decision and then the ex calls, the resolve goes, etc... and then you end up having to go through the whole thing again in 6 months time. Whereas if you've given yourself time to think things through, then I think it's easier to stick with your original decision. From your girlfriend's behaviour, it does sound as though she's quite emotionally immature - maybe not yet ready for a full on 'adult-style' one-on-one relationship, so she may be better 'girlfriend material' in the future, but there's only so long you can wait for her to sort herself out.

 

I wish you the best of luck, whichever way things go.

[Cecelius]

It seems to me that being alone on my terms and able to look for someone who won't act quite so unfortunately is better than having my heart in the gutter. If I were him, I wouldn't know what my g/f was doing at any moment when she wasn't with me -- how many guys is she hooking up with, does she have feelings for them, etc.

 

If you can keep it casual and basically treat her as someone you want to just do things with, then fine. To me, the resentment of knowing that she was just itching to run out and hook up would prevent any long term possibility -- I'd rather start fresh.