Should I stay or leave him?

[Lunamoth]

(I have put the main relevant points in bold for easier reading for people that are pressed for time or don't want to read as small book and put questions at the bottom for easy answering ...sorry its longer than I intended.)

 

I have been with my bf (32 years old) for just shy of two years, I am his first long term live in gf/relationship, his past relationships didn't last more than 6 months-ish, except for a long distance-long term rel. that lasted closer to a year. He asked me to move in with him last June after we had been back together for a few months(we broke up in Feb for 2 weeks and I gave him a second chance, I did post about it here)

I am 29 yrs old and have been in 4 long term relationships(been engaged 2x), the longest relationship being 4 years.

 

The issues are that he is emotionally immature, can't/won't talk about his feelings/thoughts about us and from what I have gleaned from conversations with him is that he hasn't thought about our future together at all, it's a day by day thing.

 

We hardly spend any quality time together and rarely go on dates, which idk if I would even call them dates/quality time...he still texts during dinner and we rarely have good conversations, I will try but 80% of the time it goes nowhere. We went to Avatar and we knew we would have to wait in line for awhile, he wanted to bring his Nintendo DS or a book...makes me feel boring! Like my company is not enough to keep him entertained.

 

He doesn't know/love himself or know what he wants out of this relationship from what I have been able to get out of him.

Last Feb when we got back together he said that he wanted to do all of this work on bettering himself, getting to know what he thinks, believes, develop some self love, etc because he has spent most of his life trying to be what others wanted him to be, instead of being himself. He even had a list of things he wanted to change about himself. None of that has been touched since shortly after I took him back. Because and I quote "I don't have the time" which is the same answer I get from him when I ask about going on dates or quality time etc. But he has the time to go out with friends, have game nights and watch tv.

 

I read a book(in 3 days) 2 weeks ago in the hopes of improving our relationship called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and requested that he read it and be at least part way through it by Valentines and he hasn't even touched it...and trust me I have reminded him. He used the if I have time excuse again and then said he would try. This was after a stint of 3 long conversations we had about our relationship and how things still need to be worked on, that was mostly me talking. I barely got any response from him at all during the conversations.

 

A lot of the things that I would like to do like go on hikes next spring or certain movies I want to watch or other things I would like to do he either has told me "I don't have the time" or just plain that he doesn't want to...I have talked to him about doing things for the other and how sometimes I will do something with him that I would rather not (like watching football or a sci-fi flick) because I know it makes him happy but he wont do this for me?!?!

 

He has said things like "I will ask when I am ready" or I will ask when I have the time" when referring to doing/learning things that could improve our relationship. These statements lead me to believe that he is not ready/willing to change and that I should just move on. The only possibly reassuring thing he has really said to me about how I make him feel is "I want you around, I like it when your around" and " I remember what it felt like when I lost you"..this could be good or it could be that since he doesn't have any self love that I make him feel good about himself and am his emotional crutch. I would be more convinced if he told me that he sees a future with us, for example we had a conversation about his possibly moving away for a job to which I inquired if he would want me to move with him and he wasn't able to say anything but we'll deal with that when/if the time comes.

 

I know this is all negative and I should note that he is really loving at times, and can be really caring, giving, funny and pleasant to be around. He is a good friend when I can talk to him about non relationship things. He acknowledged that he has failed in these changes and has goals to do them this year.

 

I am going to see a counselor next week to talk about this and try to get my head on straight, but for now any input is great...I am concerned that my depression is making me nit pick things that shouldn't bother me so please reply, even if it's just to say something short like "get out", "leave him" or "more time".

 

I have already gone on longer than I intended (there is more) but I will post my main questions here

 

1) are these justifiable things to be worried about?

2) a year is long enough for him to change IF he was going to, right?

3) should I give him more time and try to work with him closer, helping him?

4) can a person who doesn't love them self truly and fully love someone else?

[DN]

It seems to me that you want him to be more like you and the reason he isn't changing is because he doesn't want to.

 

The issues are that he is emotionally immature, can't/won't talk about his feelings/thoughts about us and from what I have gleaned from conversations with him is that he hasn't thought about our future together at all, it's a day by day thing.

 

As my signature says, immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Not everybody feels the need to talk about their feelings and that isn't wrong - it's just different than how you deal with things.

 

Has it occurred to you that your need to talk about the relationship and feelings is just as annoying and baffling to him as his not having that need is annoying and baffling to you? How would you respond if he required you to change your way of thinking?

 

If there is a basic incompatibility here then you may need to end the relationship and look for someone more in tune with your way of doing things. But you may find it more productive to find a middle way - where you become less demanding and he becomes more open.

 

However, some people are more simplistic with their feelings than others. They have no need or desire, or even ability, to analyse them - they just have them and that is all they need to know.

[Mauxly]

Wow. Yeah, I hate to say this but I'd dump him. You don't sound as though you are remotely compatible. You simply can't make him into something that he isn't.

What is it that you like about this guy? Are you just afraid of being alone?

[_Asti_]

What would be the reasons you want to stay with him?

How do they pale in comparison to the reasons why you want to leave?

 

I think its pretty clear he doesn't want to change who he is. He talks a big game, but doesn't deliver. And thats most likely because he just doesn't want to.

 

Just from reading it, there's a basic incompatibility in what you want in a partner and what this guy is giving you.

 

If he doesn't change, what is there that will keep you in this relationship, long term and be satisified? Not a whole lot, right? Alot needs to change on his part, and after this long and the fact that nothing has changed, its evident that it probably won't, and therefore you will just remain unhappy and unsatisfied.

 

 

Relationships are about FINDING that perfect person for you. Not CREATING that perfect person.

There's always going to be compromise....but you're asking this man to change who he is to be perfect for you.

Love is about acceptance, finding that someone, loving them for who they are, and accepting those not so great things about them.

No one is perfect, but you can find someone who can be incredibly perfect for YOU and have a great relationship with them.

 

You're trying to make this something its not.

[mikem]

There's somebody better for you..

[Daligal83]

Like DN said, you can't change him into what you want. It doesn't seem like you are accepting him for who he is and I'm sure he has picked up on that. All his resistance might be due to the fact that he feels like you're constantly trying to change who he is. And I find it interesting when you said that he's changing according to what others want him to be and not being himself. Isn't that for him to decide? You can't tell him who he is supposed to be. I think you're just upset because he's not changing according to your standards.

 

You have to decide if these issues are dealbreakers for you or not. You stated at the beginning of your post that you would bold the important issues in case people didn't want to read the whole thing. Notice how you didn't bold any of the positives about him. That says a lot to me. You don't see those as important as the negatives. If that is really how you feel, there's no way for the relationship to get better.

 

You might also want to consider that maybe he has some complaints about you. Both people have to work at a relationship. This isn't just him making you happy, you have to make him happy too.

[Lunamoth]

After we got back together last year in Feb. I didn't bring up the changes HE said that he wanted to make for several months and then after talking about it I let it lay yet again for several months, hoping to see change, and got nothing. So, its not like I have been trying to push him into changing this whole time.

 

I said that he told me how most of his life he had been what others wanted him to be, instead of being himself not that " he's changing according to what others want him to be and not being himself. " I was speaking in past tense. He was in the military for 8 years and before that he was rejected a lot by girls in school so he tried to be more like able, unsuccessfully from what he told me.

 

I think it is correct that I can not accept him for who he is, the way that he is, because I need more emotional and physical closeness that its not in his nature to give me. Also I need more quality time doing things together and having quality conversations vs sitting on the couch watching tv(which don't get me wrong is nice sometimes too)

 

I have asked him more than once if I make him happy, if there is anything thats bothering him about the relationship, if there is anything I could do better or differently or if there is anything he would like to see change at all. Every time he has said no he has no complaints. When I bring up my concerns he gets really upset, wont talk to me and calls himself "inept" and says things like "I don't know what to do anymore" or "I can't make you happy" when in fact I have made suggestions on what he can do to HELP ME make this relationship better. But does he try them? NOPE!

 

It's not like I have badgered him and am trying to mold him like he is clay, I know that can't be done. Relationships are about compromise, communication, trust and patience among other things and d**n it I have done all that I know of to help him and have given him a lot of time and patience to change which he says he still wants to do.

 

I am so frustrated and hurt at this point that yes, the negatives out weigh the positives...

[_Asti_]

If you cannot accept him the way he is, and he's not willing to change, what is there left to do?

[Lunamoth]

Have a nice long talk and figure out how to get out on my own two feet... as to Trxys question "Are you just afraid of being alone?" I'd like to quote someone else that once said;

 

"I've thought about it a million times before. My conclusion is that I'd rather be alone than settle for less than what I deserve. I'm actually quite comfortable with being single so if I was to remain in this state forever, I think I'll live."

 

and add that I have been a happy single woman many times for years at a time even...I think it's time I get grounded again and get out into the world and have some much needed fun...plus, I need to make more friends to celebrate my 30th with me this year!

 

My main concern/issue is being an unemployed full time college student who is on a government program(TUI) that will allow me to remain unemployed and get weekly benefits while I am going to college full time so I can get my associates degree and that I will have to find a room mate to move in with and most likely re home a few of my pets. So this should be interesting...to say the least.

[backsplash]

Aw you deserve better...texting during dinner dates??? Thats just rude even if you are out with a friend. Nintendo to wait at a movie??? How old is he?

Sometimes after a long work day, my husband and I will sit at dinner and flip through magazines and stuff, maybe even respond to a text or two-but not if we are out, or having a special dinner date, which happens at least once a week.

 

If it doesn't work for you, leave him while it is still a relatively new relationship. I know-easier said than done.

[catfeeder]

[...] I think it is correct that I can not accept him for who he is, the way that he is, because I need more emotional and physical closeness that its not in his nature to give me. Also I need more quality time doing things together and having quality conversations vs sitting on the couch watching tv(which don't get me wrong is nice sometimes too)

[...]

I am so frustrated and hurt at this point that yes, the negatives out weigh the positives...

 

You've pretty much said it all here. Nobody is the villain in this, so while I understand your frustration, there's no need to be 'hurt' because someone won't change 'his nature' as you aptly put it.

 

This relationship sounds too lonely for you to continue, and you never get any time back.

 

In your corner.