Need some HELP! Please! About to lose my mind!!

[pepsimax]

On Saturday, ex (dumper after 5.5 years) called me to say he was "stuck" (hmm) at his parents' and wouldn't be coming back when he said. (Most likely he is there to hang out with friends).

 

I was all wound up because he had not let me know sooner. In actual fact, his mother left a message for me, but I didn't get it

 

So I was very short and snappy with him, anyway. And I felt very bad afterwards.

 

The next evening, after pondering it all that time, I called and left a message with his mother to tell him I was sorry for my attitude. She was a little brief with me, not like usual, but said she would pass it on. I also dropped him a brief, light, friendly and apologetic email. "Sorry, I don't know why I did it, it's not helping".

 

He was supposed to call me Sunday or yesterday to tell me when he was planning to come back, and he hasn't. I haven't made any attempt to contact him.

 

Guys, I am FREAKING out!

 

Thinking logically, I imagine he is seeing a lot of old friends and I have not really crossed his mind. Either that, or he does not yet know when he wants to come back.

Thinking emotionally, I'm worried he is either REALLY angry, or I have stirred him enough to make him think I just don't want him to call. Would YOU want to call someone who gave you the cold shoulder?

 

 

I think no contact is the best thing, because I don't want to chase him saying "sorry, sorry, sorry"... it's not good for my self-esteem and it's not going to give him any space either.

 

But the waiting to see if he is going to be equally vicious with me... it's agonising. Combine this with the fact I have no idea who he is with, if it's a girl, if he is having so much fun he has forgotten me (I know we are all in this situation)... the more time goes on, the worse it becomes.

 

I could really use some support if anyone has anything they could offer me at this point.

[pip]

I think you really need to give him space. Sometimes apologizing over and over can annoy the person even more than what you did in the first place.

 

You have to give him some space to work out his feelings. Think about it this way: if you're constantly in his face, how can he ever 'miss' you? He really needs time alone for a while.

 

And if he is with another girl, there's not much you can do about it. I get very anxious sometimes about stuff like that, I know how you feel It's helpful to say to yourself, 'Okay then. Maybe he's with a girl, maybe he's not. Either way, I can't change it'. Or at least getting *anxious* about it can't change it. Can getting upset or lying awake at night worrying change anything? No. All it will do is turn you into an emotional wreck, and you'll end up pushing him away even more.

 

I really feel for you, but I think you should give him space and concentrate on yourself for a while. Catch up with your friends and family and lean on them. Do whatever it takes to keep your mind off him. If that means watching TV all day, then that's what you've got to do. If that means being a bit of a workaholic to stay busy, so be it.

 

In time, if he realises he wants you and comes back, you'll be a more healed person because you spent some time on your own, collecting your thoughts.

 

Good luck. Message me anytime if you feel like a chat!

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

You have to let it go for now. If your calling his mom and leaving messages. Well i hate to say it, but you are coming accross as desperate. I really do not know the situation and all of the little important facts. What I do know is he knows how to contact you, either by phone or email. He is choosing for what ever reason not to. So you have to just back off and give it some time. It allows the two parties to think things out, without having the other party getting angry. What ever the reason, if you continue to pursue him. trust me, he will either run or you will just end up pushing him away. Let it go, if he really loves you he will come back. If not then you will have to find a way to move on without him. No contact is for you to heal, and for him to miss you. If you attempt to contact him, it does not allow him to miss you. He will see you as bugging him and no respecting that he may need some space.

 

Good Luck

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[pepsimax]

Thanks pip, will PM you.

 

kuhl282000, I called to leave a message because I was acting like a childish idiot by being hostile. I didn't want to speak to him (picked a time I knew he wouldn't be there) and I haven't called since. WIthout this site I would have called by now. But I know that is the wrong thing to do for many reasons (if you look up my past posts I have been advising people in my situation to do the same thing).

 

Yes maybe a message and an email was overkill. But I am not one to "let the sun go down on an argument" Regardless of who I am speaking to, I should not speak to them like that... I thought it was common decency, I hope it won't be interpreted any other way.

 

I DO really want the phone to ring. That's the difference. The waiting is agonising

[Stefi]

I agree with pip and kuhl282000, you do need to give him some time to be apart from you with no contact whatsoever. Eventhough you picked a time when he wasn't there to leave a message, unless you told his mother exactly that, it just sounds like you can't stop contacting him and you'll go as far as leaving apologies with his mother.

 

I know you explained why you called, and that you don't like to "let the sun go down on an argument" but sometimes when we are dealing with a break up, we all look for reasons why we think we have to contact the other person when we know it's best we don't. In other circumstances it would be considered common decency like you said, but in this instance I think you run the risk of it being considered an excuse to keep contacting him. Unless you were not just snappy at him but insulting and hurtful, I don't think he's so angry he doesn't want to call you. He's probably going through a similar dilemma as you are about calling. He most likely feels unsure of how to go about it (if and when to call, or what to say).

 

Try not to stress out too much and just concentrate on taking care of yourself and having some time to think things through.

[pepsimax]

I was pretty hurtful, I was rude, I was sharp and I was disinterested. I wasn't insulting or nasty, but I had an attitude. I know you are all being cruel to be kind, but I have been reading and digesting this board and the book 'Don't Call That Man'! I resisted calling when he didn't come back when he said... haven't called or emailed to see how he was... didn't immediately call back after 'that' incident above. I have not initiated any other contact in six days, and I felt the call I DID make was fitting because my attitude was unpleasant. It hurts when you throw the 'no contact' book at me - this is SO hard and nobody is perfect, but I personally wouldn't be happy acting like a banshee and not apologising. Agh I know I can't convince you of that

 

If it helps, I think I dug my hole deeper ...He sent a text, guess he met someone who charged his phone for him. I took my time, but I still don't seem to be able to reach this perfect level of nonchalant interaction that other people can do so easily.

 

Him: "Hi, back at 8.30 tomorrow. Hope you're well."

(I didn't see this text for an hour, thats probably a good thing)

 

Me: "Yeah, fun weekend, feel very chilled. Sorry for being a b!tch : P Would be helpful to talk before you get back - practical stuff."

(Wanted to discuss previous conversation where I had asked him to leave).

 

Him: "What kind of stuff? Can phone you after 6 from sister's house, or you phone me if you want."

(Normally, pre-break-up, I would call him back if he said that but I thought better of it... re: push-pull principle!)

 

Me: "Call next time you're at your mum's if you want? I'll be out later anyway and it's hard with people around. Love to your family. PS. Heard about the [incident] in [city he's in]!"

 

Him: "Won't be back at mum's now. Just talk tomorrow?"

(Silent freak-out from pepsimax... oh god, I knew he was staying with someone...)

 

Me: "Yep, no worries!"

 

 

OK so guys, I know what you're gonna say. Somewhere in that exchange, I probably f-ed up again. I seriously tried SO HARD to do all the right things but I just can't get it right ](*,)

[pepsimax]

I agree with pip and kuhl282000, you do need to give him some time to be apart from you with no contact whatsoever.

 

Just wanted to explain that we are still living under the same roof and he is away from home right now, so I cannot do strict no contact... I do not call/text/etc but we do speak when we are both home at the same time. I didn't explain this sooner but maybe this is something I should have mentioned. We have lived together for 5 years so we have a lot of day-to-day things that are still tangled up... rent, bills, possessions, etc... we are forced to remain in contact until everything is separated, and we can't separate anything until he decides if he is moving away or not.

[Stefi]

I know you are all being cruel to be kind,.... It hurts when you throw the 'no contact' book at me - this is SO hard and nobody is perfect, but I personally wouldn't be happy acting like a banshee and not apologising. Agh I know I can't convince you of that

 

Hi pepsimax,

 

I'm sorry if you feel we are being "cruel". I'm sure nobody here means to make you feel bad. But you are asking for advice and opinions, and that's what we're giving you. We all know nobody is perfect and of course we realize that this situation must be very stressful for you. I think we're just trying to give our hopefully unbiased opinions.

 

You might think that I'm throwing the "no contact" book at you again, but you just mentioned something very interesting-- that you're still living together. That complicates things quite a bit and I think I can better understand now why it's proving so difficult.

 

You're being really hard on yourself, the texts you posted seemed like you were being calm and collected about things, I don't think you should torture yourself about them.

 

Just trying to help

Stefi

[pepsimax]

No, it's fine. It's just really hard to moderate your behaviour... to know what you should do, and what you're about to do. Especially when you're used to speaking to someone very naturally.

 

He texted me again to say he'll be home a day later. I replied and said OK, fine, can we talk about the domestic stuff because I don't want to leave it until Friday. I'll be in till 7.30 and after 11 blah blah. He said "OK I'll do my best to call tomorrow".

 

The "do my best" bit...?! That hurts.

 

I actually think he's not even in the city he says he's in right now. Something is not adding up. This is really where the emotional detachment comes in right?

[pepsimax]

Hi guys

 

Two days later and things get worse and worse.

 

He didn't "do his best" to call. He never called. (I did unplug/switch off phones anyway but he had made no attempt).

 

He was supposed to come back Thursday, then Wednesday, then today (the following Thursday).

 

He has just sent me a text to say:

"Argh, stranded here until Saturday! Any way I can get money to you for bills?"

 

The end of his text didn't come through at first, so I sent a reply:

"Can you send that again cos it was messed up"

 

Reply came back:

"I'll text later!!"

 

And that's it.

 

A quick summary of my thoughts.

 

1. He is with someone wonderful and exciting and "new" and didn't want to leave. Certainly when we started going out he would occasionally prolong his visits unexpectedly when we were having a good time.

2. There is something going on wherever he lives and he sees no reason not to stay for it (parties etc).

3. He might not want to come back and deal with the situation - moving out, job, judgement from friends - so he's just postponing having to deal with it.

4. Where the hell is he getting his money from? I know for sure he is broke.

 

Besides all this, he is lying. If he has money to send me, he is not stranded. He could possibly have been stranded once, the first time. But I'm sure his mobility is more important than anything going on at home.

 

I'm just having such a hard time dealing with the fact he SUDDENLY doesn't care about me enough to be honest. I'm so upset, I can't stop thinking about it. I could really use some help.

 

(PS. I know your advice will be "no contact", "move on", "forget him" etc but I know all this and I can't seem to apply it... partially because the final chapter, i.e. tying up our loose ends, has not yet begun. I am seeing friends almost every night but I don't genuinely feel "busy").

[gizza]

i know that feeling , im busy busy but i a need a second to let my thoughts wonder and its all there again .its just real tough thats it !

 

dont beat yerself up about all the 'what ifs' it dont help anything , if he being all vague , roll with it . Dont wait for the call its not coming . the only advise i can give is what someone posted to ' god know all and has looked out for you for a reason and will help you though this '

 

 

i dunno it just hurtz ...right !

[pepsimax]

You're right, it just hurts.

 

But it's funny, the more it hurts, the more I lose respect for him. The more he runs away, the more proud I am that I'm dealing with it.

 

The best thing is NOT calling, NOT texting etc. I don't know what he's doing and I don't WANT to know but I am trying not to be the last person to text. I decide when I've heard enough and I stop talking to him.

 

He's initiating contact because I kinda asked him to tell me when he was coming back, so I'm not reading into that. I still set a limit and don't try drag the chatting on if I can help it.

 

Now the pain is anger and it's easier that way. It won't last forever but I'm going to stay angry as long as I can

[pepsimax]

Hey guys

 

So he sent me the text again 2.5 hours ago (asking if he can get money to me) and so far I haven't replied. I just haven't felt like it. His texts get my heart racing and it's really stressful. I also am a bit tired of finding the "right words" all the time. I don't want my lack of reply to take this as me not speaking to him... I want him to take it as me being too busy or something

[pepsimax]

If anyone is still reading, got a message from him asking if I got his last message. I saw this as a tiny pull on his behalf. That kinda made things worse because I know he's going to move away in less than two weeks time, I can 'feel it in my bones'

 

I have still not replied to him, not sure what to say now.

[lisaria]

Hey Pepsi,

I'm sorry it's so stressful for you today. Hold your chin up hon, it will be ok. If you aren't ready to talk to him then don't. Wait a while. Nothing says you have to do it right away just because he txed you. Wait until you are ready. You'll feel better, have your wits about you better. Just wait a few hours, if you have to. It will be OK.

Lisa

[pepsimax]

I replied with a short text saying "no point now-we can do it later". He replied and said "sorry i'm stuck here! i'm doing my best to help!". Again I didn't reply. He's back tomorrow and I'm dreading it to be honest This is all so much of a struggle.

 

Lisa thanks for the encouragement. I have been following your thread too.

[debisfun]

If he is really concerned about getting you money -- there is this nifty little thing called THE POSTAL SERVICE!!!

 

I think (no wait....I KNOW) you are doing the right thing by not contacting him. Don't wait around for him, don't rearrange your schedule for him. If she shows up, good --- take care of business. If not, even better. Take care of YOU.

 

I understand the staying busy but feeling like you are standing still. I'm in the same boat. I'm incredibly busy, but still feel empty. I have fun, but am still not really happy.

 

Our HEADS know that our ex's are not the only person in the world for us. However, we need to let that feeling move to our HEARTS. It will happen.

[pepsimax]

Hi Debisfun

 

Did I tell you how much your book recommendations OPENED MY EYES!!

 

'Women Who Love Too Much' is all about me, and 'He's Scared She's Scared' is all about him. Between them, they map out our entire relationship. It's actually frightening.

 

I also picked up 'Don't Call That Man!' which is incredibly useful after you've read the first two. It rounds it all off. What's done is done.

 

OK so your comment: yes I agree about the postal service! I totally agree. I told him on Saturday that the bills were due Monday. I'm confused as to why he even brought it up on Thursday afternoon, four days late. It seemed pointless by then. If he cared he would have dealt with it? Can't help but wonder if it was a prod to get me to respond to his message. Why else would you say "Oh I'm four days late paying you, shall I pay you tomorrow?"... seems bizarre.

 

I'm spending money like water right now. Books, shoes, shirts, wonderbras ...anything I can think of that will give me a lift (and the bra has done that... ). But yeah, nothing to do tonight. Staying "busy" by posting stupid amounts of ranting to my LiveJournal.

 

Thanks for your ongoing support. Tomorrow is D-Day so I think I will need even more, unfortunately. I do have plans to be out in the early afternoon but I expect him to roll in late. I need to be out somewhere when he gets in. I don't think I should be here because it will look like I'm waiting in the house, eager for his return. Even if that were the case (I can't tell any more), it would not give HIM the right impression at this point.