Need advice. Just made things really bad!!

[Nappyloxs]

Things are going terrible today!

 

So ex. and I meet yesterday for the first time. She actually ended up spending the night.

 

So on her way to work this morning, she calls me crying. She went home to change. (Little background, ex. lives with a roommate who hates me with a passion, I mean seriously hates me. Life is really too short for hate). Roommate basically told her that if we continue to date, she can move out. She is no longer welcomed. Roommate feels as if me and a friend (once mutual friend) are talking about her. Roommate is making it about her!!! Honestly, me and friend may have talked about Roommate, but it was more friend, belittle roommate, not me!! Roommate feels betrayed and disrespected as if friend and I have nothing better to do than talk about her. We talked about ex.. Sad.

 

Anyway, I probably just made things worst. Roommate and I use to be friends. So I emailed roommate and asked her to support Ex. Don't be like me, and because of being upset and feeling disrespected, to "kick" ex. out. It was actually a sincere email. I don't want to see ex. hurt and crying. I want this to be her own decision whatever happens.

 

Well, roommate I think is going to now kick ex. out. She wrote a very selfish, and just mean email. She thinks that me and friend just sit there talking about her!! It kind of funny actually.

 

Anyway, I thought I was helping ex., but now I think I just made things worst for her. I don't want to see ex. crying, hurt or getting kicked out because of me or us talking. Sucks.

 

If she gets kicked out, of course she can come live with me. But I don't want it that way and she doesn't either. Man, ENA. Why are some people just so mean and vindictive? I wrote ex. and apologized. I told her that I was trying to help and now it backfired and made things worst. I told her if she needs to get an apartment, I give her some money towards it (I owe her a few hundred).

 

I just feel terrible now. Ex. is hurting because she doesn't know what to do (she tries to please everyone). And I just made things worst for her.

 

I am not contacting Ex. for awhile. She needs to clear her mind. I just feel terrible right now.

[quirky]

Roomate makes no sense whatsoever! Can't your ex see that? Does she want to kick your ex out because she slept with you? Why IS Roomate like that?

 

Why is sending that e-mail a bad thing? I thought your ex would appreciate it, no?

[jettison]

Oh, that's rough. A near reconciliation followed by unforeseen and extreme stress from a 3rd party. Your hands are pretty tied here. Clearly, if the ex still loves you then she'll be able to look beyond this at some point. She clearly can't blame you for any of this.

[Sanesoul]

Wow, what a situation. This roomate is totally in the wrong and I would bet a bit unstable.

 

I don't think you did anything to make this ridiculous situation worse, but your ex needs to get away from this lunatic. I wouldn't want to live with someone who treats people like that.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i must have missed something. i thought you gave up after you had an argument on the phone. when/why did you meet up with her?

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks

 

milk&honey. We ended up talking. I updated the post.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

I haven't heard from ex. again today. She told me not to call her as she wanted to try and clear her head. I did email the email I sent to roommate and emailed with the apology but that is it. I am not contacting her again to or tomorrow. I don't want to stress her out more.

 

She said she is going to talk to her one friend about it. Understandable. I am on ENA talking with you.

 

Yesterday, I told ex. that this may happen. I did not talk bad about Roommate, but I tried to warn her that if we do get back together, people are going to be against us and that her true friends will support her and just hate me.

 

I warned her that Roommate may kick her out. She probably shouldn't have spent the night, because we both knew that Roommate was going to blow up. But at the same time, who is Roommate to say what we should and should not do.

 

I just worry about ex.

[jimmajam]

Unless there is something you're not telling us, the roommate is an idiot. The roommate has no control over you, her or the relationship. If the roommate is also a friend, the roommate is not a good one. If they really hate you I could see putting limits on your time at their place (it's their house too) - but that's between her and the roommate. They need to grow up.

[Nappyloxs]

I don't go to their house. Heck no. Its roommates house. No way would I step foot near it.

 

There isn't much to really tell you.

 

Roommate and I don't get along. 1) we kind of have similar personalities. She thinks she is always right, and I will debate with her, give the opposite side, etc... Thing is I don't think I am always right and can admit when I am wrong. Even with recent talks with ex. I tell her my objective opinion and my bias opinion on things. 2) She does not like the way I treat ex. because ex. confided in her in the past and Roommate basically took her side (this was a point where I thought Roommate and I were friends). Roommate just started belittling me. So I wrote her, in a kind of nice way, and told her to stay out of my and others relationships. Having once been friends with her, I saw first hand how she tries to talk about other people's relationships; her son's, her "friends," her neighbors.

 

By the way, Roommate is 47 years old. I just don't get it. I'm 30. You would think that someone who is 47 would act differently. Maybe age has nothing to deal with it.

[OptomisticGirl]

The roommate has no reason to get in the middle of this. Is your ex's name on the lease? I'm pretty sure if her name is on it, the roommate can't just 'throw her out' without 30 day notice. That's the way it is in this state.

 

There was nothing wrong with sending the email. Just let your ex know you are there when she gets her head clear and is willing to help out.

 

Hopefully she will see that her roommate is physco...

[Nappyloxs]

No ex is not on any lease. Roommate owns a house and Ex. went there when me and her got into it.

 

Haven't heard from ex. since this morning. She is working and today is her weekly meeting day. I feel so bad. I know ex. and I know she is so stressed right now.

 

I don't believe there was anything wrong with the email as I was not being mean. I was supporting ex. and telling Roommate she needs to support ex. I did not cuss, or say anything mean. I said she simply did the same thing I did months ago and that its wrong. Some people just don't want to hear it.

 

We'll see what ex. does. I am not going to contact her. She asked me not to contact her today. So I am going to respect that. Tomorrow, she has her holiday party (which was bring roommate too), she was so excited about it. So I don't plan on contacting her tomorrow. I don't want her to think about us. I just want her to have a good time this weekend and let go of the stress.

 

I hope she knows I am there for her, I may just text her on Sat. to see how she is doing.

 

Honestly, we talked about 3rd parties. Roommate and her family. With her family, I told her that when we go back home for the holidays. I will go to her parents and let them "interrogate" me. I am okay with that. I want to make this as easy as possible for ex.

I know friends and family are going to tell her not to reconcile, but that she has to do what she wants, what she thinks is best.

[jimmajam]

Don't beat yourself up over the email. It had good intentions. As a general rule though I'm seeing it's almost NEVER a good idea to contact a third party no matter the situation. It's kind of like going through friends to find out something about an ex, or telling someone who keeps flirting with your partner to back off. No matter what you do the person receiving it will take it wrong and there's a big chance the person you're trying to do well for will also take it wrong.

 

Instead, offer her support directly that you don't agree with what the roommate is doing and you'll try and help if the roommate does something irrational.

[Nappyloxs]

I am not really beating myself up over the email per se anymore.

 

I sent a copy to ex. and I think she knows I was just trying to help. Just feel bad for ex. now. We knew this was going happen, I just don't think we expected so soon.

[Nappyloxs]

So the update.

 

Ex. and I kind of talked. She is irrational.

 

So roommate is tried to flip my email, by saying it "confirmed" that she needs to leave.

Ex. now says I am a drug. That I have power over her!!! Whatever.

 

So Ex. now is buying a house. She is going to try and do it within three weeks. I mean close within three weeks. She has been looking at houses since we split up. Yet, she has saved no money and bought a new car with the little money she had saved up. So she is borrowing money from her unemployed father to pay for closing. She wants to close the first week of January.

 

Funny, I have told her everything. How do you buy a house with no money saved. Isn't that why we have the real estate mess we are in today?? She is basing her decision based on pure emotion. Sad. I have given her all my advice to the point of pushing her away.

 

Honestly, I kind of don't care anymore. It shows some stupidity in her and its like why would I want to be with someone who is stupid. Basing decisions of emotions, outside influences, etc... Minor decision on like where to go to dinner fine, but a house? No. She is taking a larger interest rate. I asked her does she even know how much more that is going to mean over the life of the mortgage? No.

 

Everyone tells me to let her go through her own experiences. I am starting to finally accept their advice. Shoot, I even encourage her to buy a house, but told her she needs some savings first!!!

 

Just a little confused. I want to see her succeed, but..... I am really confused now. And there is the issue of how she treats Roommate compared to me. I am the bad guy and Roommate says this and that and is right!!! Screw it.

[curiocity]

Lots of childish behavior here. Not a good situation. NC. No soup for you. Next!