IF YOU CAN HELP , PLEASE READ (SAD STORY) NO ENDING YET...

[notsurewhattodo]

hello,

 

my name is jason, and i am trying to find answers in life, i just found out the other day that the woman i loved and have been with for 4 years and have a daughter of 2 1\2 is moving on, she told me she no longer loved me, and she has found someone else, i will include a letter i wrote to her, and also this letter may seem contriversial at times, but it is my life and i have lived it.

 

i was told not to ever send or show her this letter, although i planned on giving it to her someone said it was for me not her it was written, so i will print it and seal it and she will never see it.

 

 

if you have something to say that may help me in this cold time, or any questions for me, you can email me or write here

 

thank you for any support in my most diffucult time in my lkife.

 

letter:

 

Monday, May 3rd, 2004

 

Kim,

 

I wanted more then anything to show you rather then write this. There comes a time when words are no longer something to say, there is so much pain that even if those words are spoken, they will fall on deaf ears.

 

I wanted to take you to the hotel tonight to watch a movie with you and fall asleep together; it wasn't a trick to get you into bed. I wanted to feel that way once more, I wanted to feel your touch, to see your smile and to laugh with you again, and most likely to finally say goodbye.

 

I promised you so much in this life and gave you so little. I am not making any excuses; I just wanted you to know I was wrong.

 

During those four years we have known each other you tried several times to make it better but I wouldn't see it. I know now that the radio thing should have stayed in Maine, although we had other problems I believe that was a very large factor.

 

We suffered *********, one that I wasn't even present for when you needed me and decisions we made caused you to lose your children. I accept my part of the blame for that and I wanted you to know this.

 

When I saw that picture my heart sank. I forced myself to think you downloaded it, that it meant nothing but I knew better. Then you asked me to leave when you got changed, you never have done that before so I knew even then, and the final blow was when you told me "I don't want you here anymore" that statement cut me in half and it will take me time to forgive you.

 

I will take some time to collect myself. I will still see sierra a bit but I am leaving state soon to go be with my mom, she is very ill right now, and I will return to Sioux Falls as soon as I can.

 

The most important thing for me is your happiness. Although I don't sincerely mean what I say right now I hope to someday. I spent lots of time causing you pain, and now you get to return the favor. When you said he was a "sweetheart" I heard it in your voice. If you love him Kim don't let go of him, hold on to him and don't ever let go.

 

I know now that stuff you said about "not kicking me out of your life, " working on yourself, and " needing space" was your polite way of sending me to the hell I am in now.

 

I may seem to rattle on but I need to do this, even if you never read it.

 

The last gift I received from you was "lil" Kim, my gerbil. She is in good health and means the world to me. Can you believe I bought you another ring a while ago, it cost $800.00 and it took months to save for. I was going to give you this ring on new years 2004, the night I felt stood up.

 

All of that is in our past and I believe you will move on quickly and gracefully. If all the stuff in your garage (albums, cups, letters) is any indication then whatever stuff I gave you will soon join all your other memories there..

 

I never saw a picture of me displayed anywhere in your house. I have thought of this and can't come up with an answer. Maybe you were ashamed of me and being with me, that would explain when your family came to visit I always had to go away like a deep dark secret, and that also hurt badly. I don't know why your family couldn't accept me; my family accepted you hesitantly but completely. It is fair to point out that you were working and I had no job, and you were paying all the bills, but still the disrespect wasn't right.

 

I have started to take my medication again and I sincerely plan on sticking to it. My thoughts no longer race and I can be stood by others, that is a good feeling to be liked.

 

I am giving you your right not to have told me about john; after all we were no longer in a relationship (I hope) at the time. I will make the statement because it needs to be said, if he ever hurts you or sierra he will have made a costly mistake.

 

As far as whether we will ever love again, we were brought together by fate and if it is meant to be then someday we might find each others hearts again. I hope if that day ever comes I will be a person you are proud to know. It should be made clear that I will always be your friend and I will never be too far. You will always be able to count on me, I know I lost your heart somewhere out there but I don't want to lose you as a friend.

 

You should know what this feels like for me; with the exception of finding someone else I did the same exact thing to you. I ask your discretion in this matter I spent four years of my life with you. I wont tell you what to do, just please don't do it in front of me, I ask this courtesy of you, I think you know what pain that would cause me so please don't do it.

 

Right now, I am left wondering "is she with him" "what are they doing" "does she love him", these thoughts tear at my soul and haunt my mind and I am being ripped apart by them and no matter how much I want them to stop they will not no matter how hard I try.

 

When you called me last night I thought for a fleeting moment that you were calling to talk about how we could be, I am sorry I snapped at you and I didn't have any right its just this pain is real raw right now after all I just found out that the woman who created my daughter with me is gone now.

 

For future reference your msn password is ******** , if that is the only reason you keep this letter then so be it. I could write books about the past and never change it or I can write a little about my future and do what I can to make it true.

 

My plans are simple, I will heal and forgive you, and continue to be a father to sierra and a friend to you, and anything else in my plans I will leave out for now.

 

I read a lot of your emails you have sent me, and they all said, "let me go", did I hurt you to hang on as long as i did if so I am sorry for that. I have a lot of changes and improvements to make for myself. I believe with these I will become a better, happier person. You once said to me you were tired of me saying I would change and then not sticking to it, you were right in that respect. I never proved to you I was sincere. But now I am going to change, just watch and see, I am changing for the good because I no longer am happy with who I am.

 

If you need daycare please stop spending money. If my job doesn't have me tied up then I will gladly watch sierra, at your place for now and I wont dig in your private stuff, it doesn't concern me. I will offer this to you between Monday-Thursday, 10 am-8 pm. Give me notice so I may schedule around work.

 

Its around midnight and I have a horrible aching and I want to cry and I might. I am outside under the full moon thinking of all the times we laughed together and imagine that, I am crying now.

 

Tell me Kim, is this what it felt like all those nights alone when I was to busy to come to bed, or I was not tired so you lay there alone crying not possibly understanding why I didn't want to be there. Tonight I had someone bring me McDonalds for dinner and the later it got the less hungry I was. You know I would never hurt you in any way, but I must confess that I drove by your house around 10:30 pm. your bedroom light was on and all I wanted so badly to do was to pull in the driveway after all it was empty. I drove on instead thinking, "he was late getting out of work, "he didn't have a car, or maybe you were alone. I kept telling myself that you would turn me away like some disease and I couldn't face that. There are so many things I want to say to you right now and I never want to stop thinking of our life together, I had a vision that I would pull in you would open the door, I would get ready for bed and we would lie together, and most of all I would be SAFE and I would sleep. I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to drive by but I knew you didn't want me anymore so I kept on going watching until the house was out of my mirror. I cannot tell you what I felt at that moment but I don't ever want to feel it again. I am cold now but I stay outside and write anyways, it is my escape from this insanity, this pain that wont go away and although I know how to stop it that isn't the final answer right now.

 

You once told me you didn't think I wanted a family and until I had one you were right, no that its gone I want it more then anything. Before we met I used to lie in bed thinking of what your touch would feel like and I finally got to touch you and it was like nothing I ever had felt before, we have shared much laughter and many tears but in the end it's the laughter I choose to remember most.

 

If you truly made it this far then I hope your starting to understand and believe what I say is true and although none of this may matter (I hope it might) you will know what I felt inside.

 

Sierra is our daughter and I never imagined her growing up with two separate parents, if she wants to share something she will have to do it twice now and she will have two sets of friends and two homes and most of all she will have two people who don't love each other the way she loves both of them.

 

The future is uncertain and I know not what tomorrow will bring my way. I want you to know that from the moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were the soul mate I had been searching for that you were truly the "one". Even when we thought we weren't going to get together we had such a magnetic pull that we pressed on. I want you to know that nothing felt warmer to me then your beautiful touch, your lips were angelic on mine and your eyes were green and full of life. From the day I met you I knew my search was over, I had found my soul mate somewhere out there and you met me halfway. We conquered many obstacles and thru it all I loved you with all my heart and soul. It is very important to me that you know that even when I was mad and yelled and threw insults that I always loved you deeply. Please believe me it is true.

 

Thank you for all you did for me, thank you for blessing me with a beautiful daughter, providing a nice home, allowing me to share in your life and most importantly thank you for loving me and keeping me in your heart as long as you could.

 

I will never desert you guys and ill be here forever no matter what happens you can count on me to be there. I hope you are happy and that maybe someday we may be together again. I will always dream of you as my wife by my side until I die, but no amount of money, gifts, or favors could ever make that come true.

 

I will always love you Kimberley "angeleyes232002" *****, and please accept my apologies for any pain I ever caused you in your life.

 

Forever yours

 

Jason *****

 

Addition to the above letter:

 

May 06th 2004 v 02:11 am

 

Well after that phone call I know that you are sincere for I could hear it in your voice so clearly and I never wanted to hear that. You have moved on in your life and you seem truly happy and I want to be happy for you and yet I am so sad and alone, did I deserve this, was this the ultimate payback.

 

I love my daughter and I want to be your friend and a part of her life, unfortunately that also means being a part of yours and johns as well. I loved you sincerely and the only way I can show you know is to let you go. That is the truest love I could ever have and I shall do it. What am I doing going over this again and again, you don't really care and it is only making things worse. I am sorry about that.

 

You said he cares fro you and I did to and always will. You told me not to try to rejoin your life and I cannot comment on that at this time.

 

As far as john and myself are concerned you are right, it is so childish and immature to act that way. I do not know him nor do I want to or do I have to. As far as me calling you up on the phone if that bothers you and I can no longer go to you for advice, an ear, or help, then please let me know.

 

I wanted us to be together forever and I know that will never be, at least that's what you said. I am happy he makes you happy and cares for you and makes you feel alive. I know he will hold you and you will love that feeling and I can barely stand it.

 

I have to ask you this though, did you ever think we would ever be here, or that the love you promised me forever would someday be taken back.

 

To close I can try to do this, I can be sierras father and your friend and I can respect your privacy. I cannot give up my thoughts of us someday and these are mine and you can't ask me to do that. Here is what I believe in my heart now.

 

Someday you may need someone to cry on, and I will be there that day and you will see I loved you all along and I meant it when I said forever. What might happen I don't know that? You said " probably not" and " I don't know" and you were right exactly when you said you didn't know the future, you are right no one knows the future and ill leave it at that for now.

 

Goodbye for now

[sashagirl]

That letter was very sad. I am sorry to hear about this. You have to respect her decision right now for your daughter's sake. If you want her back you have to let her go. Just keep in touch with her, and be strong and cool. It doesn't sound like a situation where you can force the issue.

Make sure that you have a support system. It can be your family, your friends, somebody you know that has the same problem. I mean real people face to face that can help you with this.

Please do not torture yourself questioning why this happened. She should respect you enough to explain. And sometimes love is so weird we don't have reasons for what we do. Believe me I have been the server and the receiver in love and war and heartbreak.

Just try to think- what part of this can I change, what part can I not change, and do I know the difference between the two? That the good old serenity prayer.

You sound like a very caring person- I hope you end up very happy, whatever happens.

[Hopingpraying]

Notsure,

 

Wow, that is tough to read man. I feel what you are going through and really feel for you in the fact that you have a little girl. You and Kim will always be in each others lives so you really need to "Be her friend" I am dealing with the same thing with my soon to be Ex-wife. My daughter just turned two in April. And I can honestly say it sucks. I don't want the divorce, but it is what she wants and if there is one thing I know is that I cannot make her want to be with me.

You have to accept that like I did. definitely do not send this letter to her, it won't serve the purpose you want. Keep putting it on paper, that does help, but do not give it to her. The fact she is already with someone else tells me that you need to give her a lot of space, but still be involved with your daughter. I know you said your Mom is ill and I can respect that, but trust me if you leave for any length of time it is going to look bad in the eyes of the court if she decides to take it their for child support reasons. They might see it as child abandonment and you will be at her mercy to see your daughter.

Ultimately you two need to be good to one another for your daughter. Nothing tears at a kid more than seeing two parents fight.

 

I wish I could offer you some type of advice that would make this easier for you Jason, but I can't. I hope you handle this in the best manner possible. Don't drive by her house anymore, take the focus off of her and put it on yourself. Improve yourself, fix yourself. Take the weakness' she saw in you and term them into strengths.... I wish I could give you something more than that, but only time will take this weight off of your chest.

[notsurewhattodo]

i am trying real hard, and it is her decision, i have been reading about the nc rule and also about how it could help me.

 

i look at it two ways, one the fact is i have to get over her, if love came today i would miss it , and the second way is the fact that we had a four year life togther, and she couldnt have lost everything she had in her heart right.

 

anyway i will heal and when she called earlier after reading this board i was quick to the point and also very curt, call might have been 35 seconds max!

 

it is also neat to point out she has asked to see the "letter" three times since i wrote it and said i was going to give it to her, she will never get it.

 

it is interesting thoguh...

[melrich]

on't ever give her this letter, it is cathartic for you but she will not read it in the same way, it will seem desperate and manipulative to her. My advice to you would be to take a break somewhere, I don't know if you are in a position to get away for a holiday or not but something like that would be a start. You need to give yourself some space from all this and I'm guessing hanging around your place with all her stuff around you is not helping. It sounds from your letters that you have a pretty good idea why she left you. So now you have to respect her decision and live with the consequences of your behaviours. Think of it this way (I know its hard) but better just you is miserable than your ex and your daughter. Looking to the future you need to work out the best way for you to build a platonic relationship with your ex, for the sake of your daughter. And finally, I know it sounds trite but believe me (my ex wife left me after 9 years) it gets easier and time does heal. Give yourself some space, be selfish and do some stuff you want to do.

[notsurewhattodo]

i read this (DOES IT NOT APPLY TO MY SITUATION) if so tell me because i am lost (and leaving wont work becuase kim will see ti wrong.)

 

Larz

Member

 

 

 

Joined: 08 Mar 2004

Posts: 12

 

 

I have read through just about every topic on this site and I wanted to contribute, as you have all helped me tremendously. The love of my life left me in November after seven years, and I was devastated. On top of that issue, she has a child who I raised from the age of 1 to the age of 8. The original father took off at birth.

 

I am good-looking hard-working successful man, involved in many hobbies, and consider myself a catch. However, the two months that followed I would have been percieved as ANYTHING but that. I was pathetic. I begged, called, wrote letters, made CD's, you name it. I showed up when I wasn't welcome, made an absolute fool of myself. I needed closure, but was unable to hear it. Sound familiar?

 

Finally, I instigated the no-contact rule. I lost about 10 pounds for the first two weeks, because I was so distraught. I can see now why it worked, whereas I could never see it before.

 

This is a lengthy explanation of why the no-contact rule works, so if you are interested, and you have a few minutes, feel free to read on:

 

For an absolute MINIMUM of 4 weeks you should NOT contact your ex. This is NOT optional. In order to get back your ex you are going to have to leave them alone - completely! No exceptions. Don't tell them that you aren't going to be talking to them for a while. Don't try to communicate with them through their friends. Don't "accidentally" run into them at a party. And definitely do NOT stalk them from a distance. If your ex initiates contact with you then that is fine. The important thing is that you aren't the one initiating contact. Just keep the conversation short and portray happiness (more on this later).

 

Why do I recommend this period of no contact? Well, it's pretty complex, and I don't have room in this email to explain it thoroughly but I will try to condense it...

 

In your failing relationship all interactions within that relationship can be broken down into either a "push" or a "pull." A "push" is a show of interest which puts pressure on the other person. This can be something like saying "I love you" or something as small as how you look at them. Usually the one who wants to stay together (you) is the one doing the "pushing." A "pull" is what the other person does in response to the push. A "pull" is a loss of interest or a display of indifference. It can be anything from them saying "I need more space" to completely leaving you. Usually the less interested person is doing all the "pulling." This "push and pull" phenomenon is a fact of human nature, and has been proven by social psychology. It's like Newton's Law - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. When you "push," they "pull" usually they will "pull" back even further and this creates even more space between you, making it even more challenging to get back together! Right now, since your relationship is "over," your ex's sensitivity to your "pushes" has gone into hyper-sensitivity. They will interpret the smallest thing you do as a push. And usually... they are right. In the "needy," slightly depressed condition you are in now, whether you realize it or not, you are broadcasting "pushiness" and they can sense it just from interacting with you even though you don't *think* you are being pushy at all. YOU CAN'T HELP BUT PUSH THEM RIGHT NOW! Hence the need for ONE MONTH of NO CONTACT.

 

Now, IF they do contact you, don't bring up the relationship. What if… If you work with your ex: Try to keep contact to a minimum while being friendly. Appearing upset, angry, or irritated will make you look childish. The combination of friendly and minimum contact is important. Also, be sure to project a happy content image. Acting depressed or upset, though tempting, does not make your ex want to get back together with you (more on this later). If you have a child with your ex (or some other pressing responsibility): You should not fall behind on responsibilities – especially if it involves a child. When you contact them be friendly, get done what you need to get done (arrange a time to pick up your child, etc.) and then get off the phone or leave (whatever the case may be).

 

Just remember:

 

Basically, by not "pushing" at all for a month they have no reason to keep "pulling back." In fact, by not being around them at all the gap that was created by all the pushing and pulling that happened in the past may start to close. Also, the time apart will make it more likely that your ex will percieve that you have changed and, as a result, more likely that they will be willing to try again. Good luck. I will post more later if you find this helpful!

 

 

 

Has your ex been dating someone else? Have they already found someone that they seem to really like? One of the greatest fears people have when they are following this plan is:

 

"What if during this month of not talking to them they meet someone else and fall in love with them and forget about me?"

 

Here's why that shouldn't be a concern...Most of the time, these "rebound" relationships are NOT serious, do NOT work out, and, if you play your cards right, will actually work in you FAVOR. Your ex may hop into a relationship with this new person for all the wrong reasons. The relationship will probably not last long and, while it does last, your ex is, in the back of their mind, thinking about you. Yes, seriously. On some level they are constantly comparing the two of you against each other. This sounds bad for you but it's not... You and your ex have had far more experiences together - more good times, more good memories, than this new person could ever get with your ex in the next month. With time the bad memories will fade and the good memories will grow stronger. Meanwhile the rebound relationship will start to decay as the "newness" wears off and your ex finds that they aren't really attracted to this new person as much as they thought. If you leave your ex alone for this month and improve yourself, when you set up the big date with them the "bad stuff" that went on between the two of you will be more distant and less relevant.

 

The new person, if there is one, will not be able to compete with the confident, attractive image you will be portraying. So, relax and focus on improving yourself for the next month. If you follow my advice there is a very good chance that everything will work out in your favor. However, if you were to grow insecure about this, break down, and call your ex one night (to make sure they hadn't found anyone else) they will likely interpret that as a BIG "push" (see LESSON 1) and that will definitely hurt your chances of getting back with them.

 

 

i am so hurt and im gonna try t ouse this to heal, i dont know how to live otherwise.

 

jay

[pepsimax]

Notsurewhattodo,

 

All the advice you have received is priceless.

 

You're saying "I love you, you hurt me, I miss you". She'd read that as "I need you, I need you, I need you". The two can sometimes go together but when you've been dumped, 'needing' is bad.

 

I also love my ex but am starting to force myself not to need him.

 

IMO the only thing you can do is present a passive, cheery 'you' to your ex. As devastated and confused as you are, you will have to do it. Read around the board and you'll find that this is the only way to at least stay amicable. Since you have a daughter together, you NEED to be amicable.

[Hopingpraying]

Notsure,

 

Just stay strong dude.. You will make it. It may not seem like it now but this is just a stepping stone in your life. If you look at it that way this is a chance for you to start over, fresh, new. Just be sure to make the best of it. Fix the issues you have/had in your previous relationship so you don't repeat it in a future one. Use this as a learning experience. Know that you will always have your daughter in your life. She cannot take her away from you even if she tries.

Be the bigger, better man. Don't threaten her new boyfriend that will just push her further away. If anything be-friend him. I'm not saying take him out for a beer, I am just saying walk up to him, shake his hand, and tell him that you wish him luck. Tough yes, but it will show your maturity and that you are a good man.

 

Good luck.. Keep us posted on your progress, and anytime you need to vent we are here for you.

[notsurewhattodo]

I HAVE READ ALL YOU HAVE WROTE AND THANK YOU FOR CARING,

 

BUT...

 

am i missing something here, i went over to kims today piucked up sierra, made some small talk and left with her, during the time i was there her mom was fairly amicable, but very inquisitive, she asked me what i was doing tonight, i told her i was going to a sleepover at a friends,(she didnt like that at all)

 

anyway i was polite and evn tried to help her with an issue, she is taking a trip next week accross the country with her friend allison and most likely (him)?

 

i dont really care since im in the nc period now but i wonder why the change in attitude now that im not bothering her, she is calling already and asking questions,

 

not trying to get hope, just seems like a pattern is devoloping,

 

hmmm. interesting

 

well i ghotta take sierra home, ill be quick and polite,

 

ttyl

 

jay

[pepsimax]

My ex is always asking "Have you been out?"... but that's because he's trying to make sure I am socialising without him because it alleviates his guilt. I wouldn't try work out what's going on, she could be asking for a lot of reasons. Even if she was slightly jealous, don't read too much into it. I am trying to do my own thing and if he asks, he asks, and I tell him.

[debisfun]

Please don't read too much into her questions. She is being human (albiet a flawed human) by subconsciously "liking" the fact that you are there as a fallback love (sorta like a safety net), even though she probably has no intention of using that safety net.

 

I'm not saying that she is doing this intentionally or with malice. She may not even know that's what is going on, and she is probably confused and struggling herself with her actions.

 

BUT, from what I can read, you have been in a toxic and unhealthy relationship with this woman. Because you have a child together, you will always have some contact. But PLEASE, for the sake of your daughter, you must move on. I would serioulsy suggest you get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". It addresses unhealthy aspects of how we act in a relationship -- NOT so much so we can "get back" our ex, but in a way that we can identify OUR part in the relationship, make the adjustment, and then be able to move on into a healthy relationship.

 

I've also just started another book called "Letting Go". It is extremely helpful and I think you could get alot out of it as well.

 

Good Luck. You can do this. If nothing else, you will do it so your daughter grows up in a healthy, positive environment and learns what good love is.

[notsurewhattodo]

has anyone ever used or heard of the book at link removed, i am curious if it is true, i dont know what i would wnat, but i wouldnt want my old relationship back, i would want her to love me in a new way, and our family to be together again.

 

jhay

[notsurewhattodo]

i really do not want the OLD RELATIONSHIP back, it was toxic and painful, but are you telling me i cant love her new, start something different, if that is the case then we are all doomed, if we do not have the option of change or the option of becoming someone bertter for a relationship and ourselves.

 

just mythoughts...

 

jay

[pepsimax]

Find out why (up until now) your ex has resisted all your attempts to get back together. Understanding this concept alone may mean the difference between getting back together and staying apart forever. This is a real eye opener for most.

 

Can't stop thinking about your ex? Are these obsessive thoughts interfering with school or work? On page 24 I'll teach you how you can "turn off the switch" and stop thinking about them whenever you want.

 

I don't know, but this just sounds like the 'no contact' advice you can get here for free?

 

I'll outline the precise conversation that should take place between you and your ex. I'll also explain why this approach works so well.

 

I would really doubt that the author has any magic words you could say to get someone back I may be wrong of course, I have not read the book.

[Hopingpraying]

i really do not want the OLD RELATIONSHIP back, it was toxic and painful, but are you telling me i cant love her new, start something different, if that is the case then we are all doomed, if we do not have the option of change or the option of becoming someone bertter for a relationship and ourselves.

 

just mythoughts...

 

jay

 

No Jay were not all doomed. I think you need to look at your relationship and fix the things you did wrong, or look and see where you could of done better. That is definitely a must, and something you should take out of all this. That is where concentrating on you and fixing you comes in. But the thing you cannot control is how she is going to react to that, or get her to fix the things that she has done wrong in the relationship. I think if both of you have this revalation then it is possible to work things out, but it does you know good to fix all your flaws if she is still stuck with hers. The end result will be the same.... The two of you part ways..

 

You will start to see this as I have. My wife still puts all the blame for our relationship on me. My problems, my flaws caused it. She has her issues but is to busy blaming me to see what she needs to fix. I am working on my issues. I don't ever expect to be perfect, but I will do what I can to be the best I can.. That is all we can do Jay.... Good luck.. Stay strong for your daughter.

[notsurewhattodo]

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

 

IF YOU WISH TO REPLY TO THIS USE THE FOLLOWING EMAAIL

FREEATLASST@YAHOO.COM

 

 

I wrote this letter to Kim on Friday may 28th 2004

 

Prelude to a journey……………..

 

In the hardest of times, in the most painful moments, we realize that some things don’t make sense, yes we want them to, but it isn’t always that easy in our hearts and our minds.

 

In the past month of my life I have felt pain and sadness over the loss of my soul mate, faced the harsh reality and acceptance of the loss of my radio dream, and have tried to become a really good father to my daughter sierra.

 

In the past month I have also dealt with a crushing blow to my heart and I have found solace in a new love, and her name is Katy and through the past two years she has been a friend to me and a shoulder to cry on. I have tried to love Katy to feel that way about another person again, to somehow capture the love I lost when I finally accepted that my love with Kim was over. I wanted so much to believe that I would love and accept it as the future that I would be happy knowing that Kim was happy and that I was going to move on with my life.

 

I found a website called http://www.enotalone.com and wrote of my story there, it is very painful and the replies I received were somewhat judgmental and truthful, yet it was through that website and through the love coming from Katy that helped me regain direction and sanity in the midst of all the hurt I was facing.

 

I actually begged Kim to come back on mothers day, I sat in pizza hut parking lot and screamed that she still loved me, that she had to feel for me, on mothers day of all days I couldn’t accept it and destroyed the dinner over it.

 

I was so caught up in the pain of losing the security and love I had with Kim, that I couldn’t imagine a life without her.

 

I loved Kim with all my soul, but in the end I had trouble realizing and deciding was it Kim I missed, or just having someone so close in my life. Our relationship had died some time long ago, and in the end we were just friends with benefits, but the love had been dead for a while.

 

On the enotalone site I found ideas to take the pain away, including the “no contact” rule. This rule was simple, do not write, call, or email your ex in any way for 30 days, the only exception was if you had a child, which I did. The thinking behind this went two ways, the first was that there needed to be space after the breakup to heal and regroup, to get healthy and figure out what needed to change in the future, and the second way was, that if absolutely no contact was made that if the ex had any feelings at all, over time they would wonder about you and would contact you. The day I picked sierra up and took her to the zoo was the day this period started. I remember that day very clearly, and I also remember my feelings.

 

When Kim went on her trip I was somewhat glad, I knew it would be easy to not contact her if she wasn’t here, and it was true that I was also very busy in my life. Since Kim left I reengaged my medication, started to thoroughly talk to my counselor, and have found steady employment.

 

I have done my best to stay busy and out of Kim’s way, at the same time I have tried to be a good father to sierra, the most important person in my life.

 

Before Kim left for her trip, her friend Alison tried to “do something” with me. I was already involved with Katy, and it was messing with my head.

 

So Kim went east, and as hard as it was I knew she was not alone, but I had truly let her go in my heart before this, and was happy for her happiness. My relationship with Katy started to accelerate, and I became comfortable in my life.

 

During the time Kim was away, there was some nasty fighting and some words that should have never been spoken, and general immaturity on everyone involved parts.

 

I was very scared to realize that when Kim did come back, that I would have to see her again, and that would mean dealing with buried emotions that were barely put under the surface.

 

The day Kim did return, it was a day early, and I found myself flustered and breathless to know she was just a few miles away, why did I feel that way, and why would it matter if I saw her if I had let her go. Well I let her go, but I never stopped loving her, that wasn’t going to happen and I accepted that.

 

Katy has been an enormously loving woman, and although she also realized the threat of Kim being back, she accepted it as well, and realized that if we were meant to be nothing would happen to our love.

 

When I saw Kim again for the first time, it was like a wall of bricks in my face, I became lightheaded and very dizzy, my heart fluttered and I longed for her touch. On the outside I maintained professionalism and courteous behavior. I took sierra for my birthday, and new that on my way to return her I would be faced with some painful things.

 

When I arrived back at kims, her and Alison had already been playing games with my head, and saying sexual things to me, and I was advised by a friend to get out of there as fast as I could, otherwise things would happen that I could not and wouldn’t want to stop.

 

Alison was very flirtatious and Kim stayed somewhat neutral, with the exception of grabbing my crotch in the kitchen which I brushed off.

 

Kim had wanted to talk to me about something all day, and I was scared it was about her leaving the state, well she took me in her bedroom and told me the same, she was moving to Pennsylvania and taking my own daughter with her. The shock was mild because I knew that it was coming but it still hurt the same.

 

We finished talking about the trip and what we would do and my mind was racing, I didn’t know what to do, all my life had been about the radio, and know I was really losing my family.

 

The events that occurred during that night were absolutely unforgiving and amazing, Kim took me in her bedroom and she started to change, and I approached her and she took me down on the bed with her, she was a pro and said very little and before I knew it I was close to having sex with her, at the last moment I said no I told her “it wasn’t love, that I loved her once, but that wasn’t what this would be” she replied “stop thinking about things and just do it, don’t worry about love just that it would feel good” I backed off and I was on my knees almost ready to get away when she flipped me on my back, she was on top of me before I knew what had happened and I said no, but she said I was “already in” and it was too late, so I did it, and it felt amazing, the whole thing lasted 45 minutes and I was so on fire with passion I couldn’t stop if I wanted to, it was absolute paradise to be with the one you love so much and feelings were felt so intensely that I thought my heart would burst. I realized that I would have to go to Pennsylvania to be with my daughter, and I had some hope of a future with Kim. I don’t know what the future holds but Kim told me not to sell myself short in life, and she didn’t know the future, but I am so excited and afraid of what lies ahead.

 

If I go to Pennsylvania will I see my daughter, yes I will, but what else could happen, where would my future take me. I have to ask myself am I going to move to be with sierra, or am I really moving because I want Kim in my life again, it is a question that haunts me, I tell myself it is for sierra that and what myself and Kim had is gone forever.

 

When I saw Kim that night she seemed different, she smelled the same, looked somewhat thinner and sexier, but something else was different, something I hoped was her being proud that I was a good father, in some way that she saw I was a good man, and that she felt she could live with me in their life.

 

So in a short time I will leave South Dakota and move my life to theirs. I will miss all I had here, but am really excited about the unknown out there.

 

It is the unknown that scares us so much, not because we don’t know what to expect but rather its is the fact that we can change things anyway we want to, whether or not we do the right things is up to us.

 

I wrote this text message to Kim the other night, I never sent it to her because of strange occurrences. The weirdest thing happened, my phone battery went dead suddenly, even though I had a full charge, I went looking for a charger but none was found, I drove to the studio to use ricks, but for the first time no one was there. There was a reason I didn’t send that text, and I will write it here now.

 

“ I wanted more then the world to make love to you tonight Kim, I know you don’t want to hear this but I have changed and I am a better healthier person and I have you to thank. When you left me my world crumbled but I rebuilt myself, I told myself if an angel could not love me I was living wrong and something needed to be changed. Thank you for showing me the true person I had become and thank you for leaving me and falling out of love with me. It was that that saved me, someday you may understand. I will say, “see ya” when we finally must part because I don’t believe a love like ours knows goodbye. Someday we will meet again if we truly were soul mates. Sleep well Kim, may you be the strongest ever in Pennsylvania and may you find your happiness someday. If it was meant to be we will love again, I hope you believe that n your heart. Oh yeah, I may not be good but I am BIG and you like my @#$% in your shaved @#$%.”

 

So with this written I say goodbye to south Dakota and all in it, I will move on with my life, use what I have learned to avoid the same mistakes in the future, find my life again and be proud of myself wherever I may roam.

 

I write this letter even now with hesitations and fears, although having fear is not good it is also not the worst thing in the world. I will say through all I have seen and faced I learned a lot and my future is bright because I will never repeat my past.

 

Farewell South Dakota and my life here

 

A new life and journey to it awaits……………………………..

 

After I wrote this my life changed again and it gets real bad now.

 

(WARNING DO NOT READ THE BELOW TEXT IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH ANY SERIOUS FEELINGS OF BREAKUP, IT IS SEVERLY MESSED UP AND MAY CAUSE YOU MORE PROBLEMS, IF U ARE COMFORTABLE AND CAN OFFER ME SOMETHING PLEASE READ ON IF YOU WISH WARNING

 

The same night I finished this letter, things changed again for the worse, background:

 

For the past three days I had been sleeping at kims and helping her pack her life up, as hard as it was to do I wanted to help her get started in her new life, but was also sorry for losing her, but I slept in a separate bed and we only had sex two more times during the week, once in the morning, and once more in the afternoon when everyone had gone out we snuck in the bedroom for a quickie.

 

So that night (Saturday) we had an old friend of ours named Ben that had just been released from prison come help us move some stuff. During his time there I told Kim it would be kinky for one last wild night and challenged her to have sex with Ben, and the only condition was that I got to watch it happen, I was shocked when Kim agreed to this.

 

As you might have guessed it went downhill from there, we spent the afternoon moving and I told Ben kims plans and also that it was a one night stand and there were to be no long term commitments made during t he “orgy”.

 

During the afternoon a tornado hit our area, cutting t he moving/storage short until better weather, when we got back from that venture, Ben was now aware of all that was going on, and was quite excited by it. Sometime shortly after all this calmed down Ben and Kim took tristan (kims son) to go get McDonalds. During the time they were away Kim sent me an sms text telling me Ben asked her to stay and move into a house with him, I lost my control and realized I couldn’t be there when they returned, I gathered up my stuff and my video camera for the station to go photograph the tornado, and during the drive towards the front Kim texted me and said Ben asked her to marry him, I found out later it was all a joke and it was a sick one at that.

 

I returned later to the house and Kim and Ben were sitting next to each other, I left quickly with Kim’s friend Allison to run some errands. Ben and Kim were supposed to watch a movie, when I finally returned around 1 am Kim and Ben were running out from the bathroom, I doubt anything happened in the bathroom but I don’t know.

 

After Alison had gone to bed I went in the back room and wrote some documents concerning the storm out to my director. I went to find Kim and been in the garage talking and holding hands around 4 am, and I had a severe attitude on me and I didn’t hide it.

 

I started talking to Ben about old times and I had a thought that if I could keep Ben up late Kim would fall asleep and nothing could happen, you see me and Kim were supposed to leave for a week in Pennsylvania Sunday at 8 pm, to help p her search for a job and place to live, I couldn’t believe this I was getting a week alone with her. That never came to fruition as you might have already guessed.

 

Around 5:30 am Ben said he had to get some sleep, he went inside and laid next to Kim on the mattress in the living room, I realized I couldn’t stop this and I had no heart and was felling cold, so I left the house (I found out later that although I thought Kim was sleeping they made love 22 minutes after I left) I was in a deranged state when I left, cold and empty and afraid and alone, I drove to the countryside to a radio tower sight we (station) owned. It was there that I realized I lost everything and even though I really wanted to fight I couldn’t do it, I wanted to go home, to rest with my father and to feel no more pain.

 

10 minutes later I consumed 4 bottles of schmirnoff vodka and 33 trazodone sleeping pills, I turned on evanescence “my immortal” and put it on repeat. I only am alive because I picked up the phone to call my friend to tell her goodbye, and she knew something was wrong, the police were alerted and a search for me had begun, my friend found me before the police did, and made me get sick to save myself she got 90 % of the pills out but I was still quite ill, and she took me to her place and put me in bed. She couldn’t believe I had been so badly hurt, as you can guess this friend is Katy, the girl I cheated on with Kim.

I recovered from my attempt and got the search called off, I was very lucky Katy got to me, I didn’t want to die but I was in so much pain from all that had happened I wasn’t thinking straight.

 

I got on the phone with Kim and tried to figure what had happened last night, she told me she had feelings for Ben long ago and he for her and that she was no longer moving to Pennsylvania. I was devastated to say the least; I hung up crumpled and broken.

 

Two hours after I found all this out I decided to leave South Dakota. While at Katy’s preparing for my trip I received a phone call from kims ex husbands new wife, telling me Kim had dropped off the kids with a man in a white car and did I know she was with another man, I told her I was aware of the situation and informed her of the fact that Ben has a record, she was shocked at kims discretion to pursue this man and even more shocked to learn of his past. What wasn’t added in here until now is that Ben was accused of crime concerning young teenage girls and also of drugs and theft of storage units.

 

I have now left south Dakota and traveled to my hometown in Maine, I have found out some shocking news about my past, briefly you see when I met Kim first I was seeing a woman by the name of Elizabeth, and two months after I moved to south Dakota I found out Liz was pregnant, two years later a friend of mine told me Liz had married after I left and the husband was abusive and that she now had a child and lived with her mother and was in need of help. I asked my contact to describe the child and she said “its like looking in the mirror Jason, you wont believe it” so I am now trying to find Elizabeth and Samantha (her child?) and am hot on the trail now.

 

As for Kim and Ben, I need to have justice in that situation, some of you may not agree with this tactic but I am sorry it is how I choose to proceed.

 

Kim contacted my friend in town for 1700.00 the other day, I told him not to help her out at all, he wasn’t going to anyway because he has little respect for what Kim did.

 

She is planning on bailing out on her house lease, which she owes 800.00 x 2 months rent which she was going to blow when she went to Pennsylvania, I have contacted her landlord and told them she is planning on running.

 

Know that im in Maine, Kim has threatened to file for child abandonment, has told me sierra is calling Ben daddy and she is encouraging it and that I will never see my daughter again. Kim is also trying to get sierras name changed from mine to hers so Ben can adopt her if they marry.

 

To stop this insanity I had to take drastic measures, I have contacted bens parole officer and advised them that he is drinking alcohol and partying at Kims, and he is also in possession of weed at this time.

 

I also called bens workplace and informed them that their employee is under the influence of narcotics during work hours, and that is dangerous to the employees.

I have also contacted terry (kims ex) and have given him a complete background on Ben and any information he needs to do what he has to do.

 

I am burning Ben to the ground because I don’t want him near my daughter and I think he is a bad idea for Kim and her life. Understand this is not an idea to get with Kim, when she finds the things I am doing she will hate me forever but my daughter will be out of reach of a child ***** and a crook.

 

I have done things im not proud of in my past but I can’t stand by and watch this happen, I wish myself and Kim could have been together but that will not be true.

 

I must think of my daughter’s future now.

 

If anything could happen between me and Kim as my friend said would have happened had myself and Kim traveled to Pennsylvania, it will not be possible till all this damage and the carnage is over and the dust has settled.

 

And as for Katy the girl I love, im not sure what I should do, I have included a letter I wrote to her for you to read and review.

 

I’m all typed out now, but at least the world knows the truth now

 

Jay

 

LETTER TO KATY

Katy,

 

I just wanted to say I am so happy to have you in my life. There are so many things I want to enjoy with you, yet there are also so many other things that I experienced in the past that I don’t ever want to experience again.

 

You should know that I intend to love you as long as I live and that I am so happy that you chose to be with me during this time in my life.

 

I must apologize for saying that name to you, it was a combination of things and none will make any sense to you. I had been turning in and out of sleep and my mind wasn’t exactly intact, and your names both begin with “k” and also I felt something that she used to make me feel today with you, complete love and passion. There is no excuse for what I did but I am sincerely sorry that I hurt you, but I also must tell you I don’t know what happened and I cannot promise you that it may not ever happen again.

 

I have just been released from a four-year relationship with a woman I loved deeply and had a child with. I have lots of feelings that still lie unsettled in my heart. What is not unsettled is that fact that I love you very much and that my “love” for her is gone now.

 

I guess you could say we are having our first fight right now, and its healthy for us to do so. I really didn’t want this to happen so soon, but now that it does we will see just how strong we really are together, and whether we will truly stand the test of time.

 

When I truly met you I first had thoughts about lots of things, including your appearance and your height, as to whether those would be considered when I fell in love with you, the answer is no because I can see more then that in you. My mother was a wise woman and she raised me to believe in love for the heart and the soul, not for body or looks or for money, those are things that would be gone after 30 years.

 

When I heard that you wanted gastric bypass I couldn’t believe it, Kim had just said she would do the same thing, I found myself asking what was so bad about these woman that they had to have a surgery to feel better about themselves. I have done some research and found that the gastric bypass procedure is a risky and somewhat unhealthy. I have also found out that this procedure allows for very rapid weight loss and fairly positive results.

 

You said you weighed over 300 pounds and you are 6 feet tall. If you did have this surgery you would drop over 100 pounds and become highly attractive. I must tell you that this would only be a good thing if you remained the same inside as you did on the out, and that you would undergo major psychological changes as well as the physical ones in that time.

 

I want you to know that you will always be extremely pretty to me and I will love you know matter what. You will make your choice in your path I will support you in any way I can, emotionally and spiritually.

 

When I met you on the net I saw a person who needed to be saved and rescued. You were a single woman very young and scared and in and out of relationships that were very unsafe and highly unstable for your heart. In that time of my life I was not able to help you except be there and try to talk to you and support you, and when I found out you were pregnant with Emily I couldn’t believe it. We continued to race along in our lives our paths never crossing and when they almost did you would stop them several times from coming together. When Emily was born I was so proud of you I sat there and shed tears at the photo of her at the hospital. I couldn’t believe that you were so strong to bring life into this world without any help whatsoever; you were truly an inspiration to me and anyone who thought that they couldn’t do something great in this world.

 

Our paths were going to cross one day, I knew that long ago, it was just a matter of time. When my relationship with Kim finally was complete I needed someone to turn to and you were there for me, offering support to me in all sorts of ways. I even wanted to meet you face to face and we almost did but fate stopped us again. I know now there were reasons why we didn’t meet before, and that our ultimate time to meet was coming soon.

 

I made myself believe that I was coming to your house for comfort from a friend; even though I wanted to feel love again I didn’t think it was going to come from you. I thought I would meet you and we would talk awhile and I would make a new friend. I was emotionally crushed when we finally met and I had no idea that anything like what took place was going to happen.

 

I am firmly routed in the belief that we had to wait before we met, that for some unknown reason we would never know; there was a specific time and place for all this to happen. I also believe that I couldn’t have seen you like this had I still truly been stuck on Kim, my friends warned me that if I continued to dwell on her love may pass by and I wouldn’t even see it. That almost happened with you and had I met you that night I believe it might have been that way.

 

As I am rambling on and this is not making sense I will end by telling you a few things. I will love you as long as you’ll have me, and I am proud of the woman you were, are and will become in this life. I hope someday you will truly love me as I do you and you will feel the passion in your heart that I feel every time we are together and long for when we are apart. I will help you become a truly successful woman, we will find you a job, and hopefully help you finish school, and get you to a place where you are proud of yourself more then you thought you ever could be. When that time comes we might leave this place together in love and explore the world out there together, but if that never happens and we fall short in our quest please now I will always love you and know that you truly were a light in my gray life, and I will cherish our times together for as long as I shall live.

 

I love you, thank you for being in my life,

 

Jason H

 

once i get some feedback i am going to tell kim about this post it cant do anymore damage and she deserves to know the truth

[Liz2]

I think writing emotions and thoughts is a very good way of dealing. Although your heart is broken, the process of healing has started and you will progress and feel better.

[notsurewhattodo]

Hello, this is Jason, I realize it has been a very long time since I updated this subject, but I think I need to get some advice at this time in my life.

 

I am not going to concentrate too much on the details of some things, but will try to be specific in details on others.

 

Bear with me...............

 

After I returned to my hometown in Maine, I started healing from the devastation that I had suffered out in south Dakota, I started to track down some old friends and just lead the single life for awhile, it was funny the further I drove from Kim and that state, it was almost like a cloud was being lifted.

 

When I got to old orchard beach, a beautiful seaside town in Maine, it was I who called to talk to my daughter, and that was when I ran into the first sign of trouble, Kim told me her and Ben were going to marry, she was moving and that I would never see sierra again, that sierra was calling Ben daddy and she was encouraging it, I was so enraged I told her nothing and I mean NOTHING would stop me from seeing sierra, I even foolishly threatened to kill Kim if she got in my way (all that stunt earned me was a restraining order (it was never filed) but Kim had gotten to me, even from so far away.

 

I didn't contact Kim for over a month and although I missed sierra with all my heart I needed to heal and this wasn't going to happen as long as I heard Kim's voice, it is so strange how someone I didn't even love anymore could captivate me like that.

 

Well, now it is just after the fourth of July and I had a blast, I am working in radio again and have made some new "friends" I see them every so often, but we have no commitments and there are 8 of them, they are all nice girls, but I don't love them and they don't love me.

 

Well as you can all imagine time doesn't stop just because we want it to, so I got in touch with Kim again, I never knew I would find out the things I did, and hear the things I did, some of this is highly controversial, but none of the people out here were ever judging, so I am hoping it will be that way now.

 

Around July 7th 2004 phone call

 

When I got on the phone and I spoke to sierra, she said love you daddy, and that took me to pieces, I missed my daughter so much I cant even tell you, so after I talked with her I spoke with Kim, who sounded like she had been crying, and I asked her what was wrong, she told me her whole life was falling apart, her and Ben had been together, and it was all great, she told me she never wanted to hurt me, but that she never loved me as much as she loved him, like I needed that, but I put on a strong face and let her continue (after this call I cried my eyes out more on that later) she said that they had an amazing relationship full of love and understanding, after she met bens parole officer she asked that his curfew be dropped so he could live with her, and it was, after that things went downhill, Ben started staying out late, he lost his job, and on several occasions Kim caught him at friends with other girls, she was so hurt when he lied to her, at this point she said she didn't want to go any further, because I would " say I told you so or "rub it in her face" I told her I don't do that and to continue telling me what happened.

 

DETAILS OMMITTED)))))))))

 

So the final showdown happened one night at bens moms house, apparently Kim went over there with her roommate and friend Allison, and started a fight with the girl she found there, Ben jumped into the fight and Kim hauled off and decked him, she beat the krap out of him, giving him two black eyes and a busted nose and a fat lip. Before he wrestled her to the ground, he was trying to get her to calm down and wasn't hurting her, but in the struggle he accidentally gave her a black eye, before this had happened Ben made a very bad mistake a few minutes earlier while Kim confronted him, he told her he was tired of her control freak attitude and told her to back off, she told him "were going to have a baby and your telling me that" he pushed real hard on her stomach and said "lets just kill it, I don't want it anyway" that was when Kim went psycho on him, the police were called and Ben was arrested, not for striking Kim in the eye, but I guess he violated the lacey Peterson law, which states its unlawful to harm an unborn child, the big problem was been was on parole, and his sentence remaining was 6 years, he was in a lot of trouble.

 

They took Ben away and Kim refused to press charges, although the da did automatically, well needless to say Ben is now back I prison Kim has "miscarried" due to enormous stress and I'm still here in maine, Kim was forced to give up her beautiful house, (the one she and Ben had) and now lives in a small two bedroom in the middle of the downtown area, and she is surviving by working at a front desk in a hotel, she is unable to finish her college education now and my daughter is now in daycare all week, she has come along way down ward from when she owned her own daycare and had a beautiful house in the west side of the town, I told her not to get involved with Ben, but she didn't listen to me, now she is seeing the other side.

 

In recent weeks Kim has been calling my house and leaving messages on my machine, its mostly sierra talking, but Kim is coaching her, saying things like daddy please come home, love you daddy miss you, these calls are tearing at my heart, and a friend asked me the other day what I am going to do, well coincidentally to all of this stuff with Kim the station I own out there has gone down off air, and the company has gone bankrupt, forcing me to return to Sioux falls, I haven't really established a lot here, I wrapped up some lose ends, and said goodbye to old friends and old flames, I have a great job making lots of money, and a brand new car (2000 grand am) my other one died on the way here, and it lies in a Maine junkyard somewhere.

 

I will bee working with my friend in south Dakota, to help me get a place and a job so I can raise funds to take care of the station, but I am not leaving Maine until I have a stable setup waiting out there, I am trying to get back before sierras birthday, October 18th and I think this is plenty of time.

 

As this comes to a close, the real thing weighing on my mind is what will I feel when I lay my eyes on Kimberly once again, sure it is easy to say I don't feel for her, being out here, but if that is so true why am I so afraid to call her, or why have I started snuggling up to a sweater of hers just recently.

 

Could there be a future after all this for my family, or am I just fooling myself, and even if there would be it would never be like it was, that was way to toxic, but I have to be honest with everyone, I am PETRIFIED to my core of what will happen when I see her again.

 

I have been told through good sources that she went under the knife and weighs just over 150 pounds, and she has her nose and tongue pierced and she now has blonde hair, sounding like an extremely attractive piece of ass, (lol) but I am trying to convince myself in the little time I have left here, just what will happen when I return, what is fair and what is not, I ask for massive advice from anyone who has it to give, I still have many things to say and would welcome any thoughts.

 

One last thing, last night I got real drunk and was all alone, I believe I called her in the night, and said I missed her and that I was holding her sweater, and longed for her, I know I was drunk (8 sex on beach, two captain Morgan's, and 4 coffee brandy's) and my voice was slurred, and she hasn't returned my call today.

 

Oh well sh** happens

 

I LOVE YOU SIERRA DADDY WILL SEE YOU SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Wiggle]

Hi Jason,

 

It is almost impossible for me to address all of the points raised in your posts but I will offer you my advice from personal experience on recent events in your situation.

 

When you return to the town and area where your former partner and your child are located try above everything to not move back in with them. I think the ball is in your court at the moment (It seems your ex wants you back together) and in order for this relationship to stand a chance and be able to start afresh with new boundaries, respect and understanding, there has to be some distance between you as well as maintaining regular contact.

 

I think you almost need to go back to scratch. Wipe the past clean...try not to bring it up in discussions and mull over it. Dont use the past as a weapon in any disagreements. Try, hard though it may be, to let it go.

 

See this new start for what it is, a new beginning, a new chapter in your life.

 

Have your own homes. Keep this arrangement for at least 3-6 months. Go back to dating each other. Make sure that you spend at least one eveing/afternoon a week doing something that doesnt involve being in each others home. In fact try to not just visit each others homes and sit there talking. This will give you time to mull over the past and could result in an argument. Go out to eat, for a walk to the park, whatever finances and time allow. Work for each other in the sense that you take time to get ready for these dates. Make effort with your appearance, steer conversation away from the past and talk about anything else, the news, friends, work, anything but subjects that can bring up the past. You also need to make sure you surround yourself with friends and other interests for the times when you arent on dates with your ex. Let her see that you can live a full and happy life without her, but that you are also working in a mature and sensible way to ensure that you, her and your daughter have a happy and healthy future together. Explain to her why you thinking starting afresh should be just that. Why you think the dating thing is important. It is essential, in my opinion that do this. Going straight back to living together would just be returning to the past and all that entails. Your recent time apart doesnt count towards working to be back together because she was with another and you were so far away you couldnt date. The past was still being dragged up etc etc.

 

I broke up from my husband (and yes there were other people involved) and let me tell you going back to scratch worked for me. We kept the living arrangements and the dating thing up for 3 months. It was like I fell in love with him all over again. He would leave romantic and risque messages on my cell phone etc, pick me up for dates. Sometimes just drives out to the country, listening to our favourite music in the car and chatting. I was always returned home though, alone. I didnt let him move back into our apartment, just a kiss on the doorstep and that was that. Dont think I was making him work to be back with me, we were both in the wrong over our relationship and both agreed and saw the sense in doing the dating thing. And, yes, it was hard sometimes to fall asleep in a lonely bed, sit on the sofa at night and want him there or he wanted me with him. Over time, when we felt the past was really behind us and we had moved on from it we moved back into together. The past is rarely brought up (I would say 2-3 times in 18 months).

 

All I can say is take your time, take it slow, take it each day at a time. You obviously love this woman and your child very much. They deserve your patience and your hard work to make your family what you dream for it to be. I cant comment on how hard your ex is prepared to work. You know her better than anyone on here. Im sure that when she sees the way you are handling this whole affair (if you do the dating thing) she cant be anything but impressed with your approach and committment to her and your child.

 

I wish you every success in rebuilding your relationship.

[notsurewhattodo]

well, hello all

 

i just got off the phone with my ex kim, and some of this is hard to write but i will anyway, it appears she is involved with someone right now, his name is Nate, and it turns out he is the best friend of ben, my ex best friend who kim slept with, its very confusing, i guess nate is very afraid that once ben gets out of jail (soon) that kim will go back to him, and kim says thats NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, but i dont know

 

i still miss kim very much, and i know walking back into that town, is like walking into a ring of fire, and i am DEATHLY afraid, but it has to be done, and soon, my daughter turns three in october, and i AM GOING TO BE AT HER BIRTHDAY, if at all humanly possible.

 

i guess i love her to this day, but she doesnt have any love for me, altohugh those comments about her wide awake and at stop lights are confusing.

 

i guess the last thing to point out that needs interpertation is the fact that lately for the past two weeks kim has started calling me at home, usaully around 6 am her time 7 mine, and she will talk about everything and nothing, but i am usaully half asleep, and i will just listen to her voice, i get to talk to sierra before daycare, then kim drops her off, and talks to me all the way to her work, and i have asked her why she calls me all the time, she just says real quietly " i love talking to you"

 

i dont knoww what to make of it, and continuing advice is appreciated, i had some DYNAMITE advice from "wigglE" but she has since vanished, so any one with something to say, espicially if you have ever been in a simialar situation (is there ever two alike) for now i still love kim, but im not in love with her, i just dont know, i hope i could be strong enough b ut i JUST DONT HONESTLY KNOW.

 

jay

[melrich]

I'm sorry Jay for all your dramas. Your life is certainly far removed from mine. After reading all your posts I have to say this. The tragic story here is your daughter Sierra. She is being used as some ort of bizarre bargaining chip in this story of abuse, sex with multiple partners, drugs, alcohol, suicide attempts and aimless lives that the two of you are leading. You keep professing your love for Sierra but really if you truly loved her you and Kim would sit down, put all your crap behind you and talk maturely about what is best for her. The truth is the two of you don't matter, whether you are in love or hate each other, want to have sex or beat each other to death...the only thing that matters is that you sacrifice your personal desires for the sake of the furure of your daughter. Both of you need to stop wallowing in your own insecurities and immaturity, grow up quick and get your daughter out of the downward spiral that your lives are in now.

[beattie]

Dear Notsurewhattodo,

 

I am so, so, so, sorry for all that you've been through. All I can say (for now) about all of this, is that it sounds like Kim is not the right one for you.

 

What I recommend (and this is advice truly coming from the heart), is that you go to a book store, order in, and buy a book called "Are You The One For Me?", by Barbara De Angelis.

 

I've been going through it myself during my current post-breakup period, and it really is a book in which "the truth sets you free".

 

I promise you it's a fantastic book.

 

Please keep us all posted on you well-being. I'm hanging in there for you,

 

Beattie