14 months later and im still chasing

[nondescriptuse]

hey anyone here have an experience being in a relationship where your significant other -- wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend -- does not return phone calls for a few days, does not laugh at your jokes, basically is just like a detached stoic?

 

when every time you want to give up on this person... then they call you?

 

who seldom returns emails, rarely answers the phone, and usually texts you just once a week -- when you want to be in closer contact? and they consider this behavior to be perfectly normal?

 

is that normal? i feel so detached from the world. am i barking up the wrong tree?

 

her notion is that having a concern for others entails having an insecurity... to me that's so wrong.

 

she takes me for granted, but then kicks me out on the street.

 

so far sounds like my decision to leave her would be a good idea. here's the kicker: neither of us has cared about another person so much, and even though she kicks me out on the street... she treats me like royalty compared to her friends.

 

i just graduated college. for both of us, it's our first relationship.

 

what should i do?

[maverick554]

I'm not entirely sure what your getting at with your post, you may want to think of re-wording it. But I'm guessing your having trouble with your gf (taking you for granted, treating you like crap, ignoring you, disrespecting you). If she is doing all of these things and the situation does not seem like its going to change, its probably best to end the relationship. I know what you mean when you say that every time your ready to end it, she calls or gives you some sign of hope that it can be saved so you don't, but then almost as quickly she reverts back to her usual uncaring self. I've been where you are before and I can say that it has never improved and the relationship never got back on track. And just because neither of you have felt this way about anybody is else is kind of irrevelant, that is not what you should base your feelings or relationship on. And as you said its your first relationship for both of you, so I wouldn't put too much stock into that. remember there are other girls out there who will treat you right.

[paintedblue]

Are you saying its like "shes not into him as much as hes into her" kinda?

[annie24]

she sounds pretty awful, like she doesn't care for you much. go out and find a new gf. that's for sure!!!!

[nondescriptuse]

thanks, everyone.

 

yeah, i should have been more clear. it's like this: i don't understand my girlfriend and for that i'm thinking of putting the kibosh on our relationship.

 

i'm the type of person who keeps a lot of social committments. the busier i am, the happier i am. the more in my schedule, the better... and that's how i have been my whole life. i'm diligent, i plan my days, weeks... i always call someone if i promise to... yatta yatta yatta.

 

she's just the opposite. she isolates herself. she goes for days without talking to me. she thinks that having a concern for others is having an insecurity. she reads a lot of bull crap gossip magazines and watches a lot of tv... i say nonsense! she's the one who says she doesn't have time to talk... she's the one who says we should move slower...

 

i'm the one who works 60 hour weeks in nyc... and she's the one who's aloof!

neither of us should be.

 

believe me, i've tried to understand her. and the more i try the more i realize that shes just bitter about something and that its probably better if i dont bother. i've tried to light the fire inside her heart, but ive come up empty handed. she has no idea how ridiculous she is. its time to move on...

[annie24]

good for you. time to find someone more compatible with you with more of a zest for life. good luck

[JoeyK]

I'm confused. Do you live with her? Different work schedules so you don't see each other? Is that why you are emailing her to try to talk to her?

 

Here's the bottom line... everything else aside... she "kicks you out" then "lets you back in"? Forget her. Leave. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Either the two of you want to be together or you don't. If either one, or both of you are not mature enough to communicate in good times or in bad times, your "relationship" will not go anywhere. Seems to me that you know that already...

[nondescriptuse]

I'm confused. Do you live with her? Different work schedules so you don't see each other? Is that why you are emailing her to try to talk to her?

 

Here's the bottom line... everything else aside... she "kicks you out" then "lets you back in"? Forget her. Leave. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Either the two of you want to be together or you don't. If either one, or both of you are not mature enough to communicate in good times or in bad times, your "relationship" will not go anywhere. Seems to me that you know that already...

 

sorry to be unclear... i kind of mean the "she lets me back in" and "she kicks me out" metaphorically to suggest that sometimes she just cant deal with the problems in our relationship or address my needs when i want to work something out with her. you know, like the whole "youre hot and youre cold" katie perry thing. and for the record we went to college together i just graduated this past year, live a few hours from campus, and she's still there in school. we come from different parts of the country. this is how she treats me: she never calls unless i ask her to. she'll text me a one-liner every few days if that. well talk at most once a week for about an hour. anything outside of that would be a major curveball (for her). she wont answer her phone -- calls or texts -- when she is busy with schoolwork. not even a quick "hey im busy ill call ya in a couple" just silence.

 

here's what i dont get: she plans irrationally. gets kind of behind in work during the semester... and even so doesnt manage to have time to talk. its like she thinks there's a quota on the amount of time we can talk. i understand that i dont want to smother her, but i mean if we talk about the Yankees or something, how is that smothering? come the end of the semester... she's even busier... and actually has an excuse to not get back to me. but my other friends have more time to talk... they can at least shoot the crap for a bit. for her its like this whole break-in-mental-focus-if-i-associate-with-anyone thing. only when i pick a fight with her will she buzz me back. weird right?

 

i've asked her why she's a loner... and she gave me an answer that just didnt make sense to me and i cant repeat it. when i asked her if she wanted to be official, i asked if there was anyone else she'd date and she could barely comprehend that i had the idea of thinking about dating other girls. though i cant figure her out, im not sure if she is going to be riding my coattails for the rest of my life if i stay with her. you know, ill be the one making all of the phone calls, doing all of the social interaction, and shes just there for the ride. waiting for things to happen.

 

on the other hand, to be fair to her, she never picks a fight with me. never talks about other guys. never... well, never really does a whole lot of anything i guess. im going to leave her soon after christmas. can anyone relate to this? its so unusual for me. i have never met a person like her in my life... not even close.