Getting back with ex - is he interested?

[Betty79]

I met this guy back in the summer...saw him for 3 months. He started out really keen, calling/texting all the time and then things cooled off and he became more distant. After some digging he said he wasn't ready for a relationship as hadn't long come out of a long term relationship. It is difficult as he has all the same friends as his ex so i know he still sees her from time to time and they agreed to stay friends. Anyway, I told him fine if he wasn't ready there wasn't much we could do but I liked him and told him to take time and space and if he was ever ready then he knew where I was.

 

We have now been split up 4 months. The 6 weeks or so we had minimal contact, a couple of texts now and again and we met for a drink but i told him i needed time to move on and we went about 6 weeks then with NC but he has got in touch again now, just sending texts at first then he came and met me whilst I was out with friends for a drink, we had a nice time and he kissed me a couple of times. He went away on holidays after this for 2 wks and i didn't hear from him, then he comes back and a few days later starts texting again and says he will have to show me his holidays pics and things. I said yes that would be nice and a few days later he organises a date.

 

Fast forward to last night, he comes around we spend a nice couple of hours together, chatting and catching up. It was just so nice. I really do like him a lot. Anyway he kissed me again and I said in a jokey way what are all these kisses for and he said I dont know...you tell me. He said dont you want me to kiss you and I said well im not complaining. He asks all about me plans for the week and next wknd and tells me his and how he isn't doing much during the week. The time comes for him to leave and he mentions meeting up for a drink sometime before he goes home for xmas. I say ok and leave it at that. He asks that I email him in the morning about something so I do...it didnt really require a response but one would have been nice...but nothing from him...i know he read it straight away.

 

My question is how should I play it with this guy, so far I have been very laid back, letting him make most of the initial contact, not persuing him and just giving him space to come to me. Its not easy though as I really do like him. Do you think he is interested in me or just messing me around? I dont really want to bring up the 'where is this going' thing again already as we spoke about it all in the past and he knows that I would like to be in a relationship or at least seeing someone exclusively. However, as I said before when we discussed this when we split up he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship...could things have changed now after 3 / 4 months? How do I proceed with this...just continue sitting back?

[Betty79]

Anybody..?

[OptomisticGirl]

I'd take it slow.

 

Has he dated anyone since your break up?

 

Don't bring up the relationship though.

[Betty79]

I dont know if he has dated anybody else, maybe he might have been on one or two dates I have no idea. I am trying to take things slowly its really frustrating though, I guess I just need to have patience but do you think he is interested or should i just not bother?

[Betty79]

Anyone else? Could really do with some advice.

[FreedomRing]

I don't see how taking it 'slow' in this situation would differ from what you may have done in the beginning.... seems as though he is just repeating his pattern. You admit that with some 'digging' you were finally able to get him to admit that he wasn't ready for a relationship, yadda yada..so we already know he's not the best with stating his feelings.

 

Seems as though nothing has changed on his end. I think you have the grounds to pump the brakes completely this second time around, and flatly ask him what his intentions are at this point.

[Betty79]

Well things did move quite quickly the first time around. We were texting and emailing several times a day everyday. Seeing each other a few times a wk but I don't know whether this was just too much for him or maybe his ex wasn't completely off the scene.

I don't really want to jump right back in and start nagging about how I want a relationship again as he already knows this as I spoke about it lots last time. Although neither do I want to continue with this indefinately either if nothing is going to come of it. I just don't know how it play it. He has just emailed me actually asking how my day is.

[BriarRose]

He does seem to be paying you a lot of attention lately. However, I still think he is a flake given his past and very recent behavior.

 

He may very well be a good guy - but I think he will prove to be unreliable and not good relationship material. He just has blown too hot and cold in the past.

[rapunzel]

My opinion is definitely don't pester him about wanting to be in a relationship or even bring it up. I personally don't think you should EVER bring up the "relationship" talk with ANY guy. In my experience, when the woman brings up the relationship "talk" ("where is this going, what does this mean, are we friends or exclusive"), it's a relationship killer and puts you in a one-down position.

 

He has told you in the past he did not want a relationship. So any pressure from you is going to just push him away.

 

So you can just reply to his texts if you want, enjoy it for "what it is" but don't expect anything of it. If you're not enjoying his attention, then just flat out ask him what he wants/what his intentions are and he will probably run in the other direction. Certainly don't put all your eggs in his basket, so to speak.

 

Try to meet and date other guys and just let things unfold as they would naturally without trying to pressure any of them into a relationship. Take things slow, enjoy what is happening WHILE it is happening and try not to have expectations about particular outcomes. Tough to do but always jumping ahead to "where is this going" just keeps you from enjoying the present moment and puts undue pressure on the budding relationship. I am saying this from past experience where I have made these very mistakes.

[BriarRose]

..

I agree with all of this. I have never been an advocate of the "where is this going" speech.

[rapunzel]

Yes, it's really a bad idea perhaps unless you've been in a long term relationship (say over 1-2 years) and it's not moving forward, and you want to know if you should bail or not. Then again, even then...I think it's a bad idea. It sucks but that's just the way it is, in my humble lonely heartbroken opinion.

 

I recall in a moment of feeling vulnerable, saying to my ex at around 3 months that I felt like he was just emotionally not available to me and that was the beginning of the end. In retrospect, I do think he would have dumped me no matter what I did but I still regret saying this.

[Betty79]

Thanks for your replies. Well I definitely made that mistake of asking him where it was going, were we seeing each other exclusively as I felt him becoming distant and I wasn't sure what was happening with his ex at the time. What if he never brings up the topic though? How can you continue indefinately without knowing where its going, if you are supposed to be dating others etc? I think I am guilty of not just enjoying the moment. He emailed this afternoon and I replied and now I am fretting again a couple of hours later cos he hasn't yet read it..wondering if it sent ok etc. I know he is prob just busy and I need to just chill out and let things develop naturally. I am trying really hard to do it this time around. I think its something I definitely need to work on.

[Betty79]

So I have still heard nothing. I replied to his email yesterday..he asked a question which I answered and i then asked him another question. Have had no read receipt. He always reads them straight away as he is in work and I always get a receipt. I sent it again this morning as I sent an attachment on the last one which I don't think worked as sent it to my friend as well and she didn't get it but still nothing. This is what happened last time he disappeared for 6 weeks. Sent him a mail. Got no read receipt and no reply. I am trying to be cool about it but its so frustrating not knowing whats going on. Guess I just go back to nc again? So hard.. Anyone got any words of wisdom please?

[rapunzel]

Maybe he got busy and just did not have time to reply to your reply - you just sent it yesterday!

 

Words of wisdom: again, don't put all your eggs in this guy's basket. Let it go. Let him go. Don't pursue him - at all. Open yourself up to meeting and dating other guys. If he does contact you, don't jump and respond right away and don't read into it. Don't assume it means he wants you as his girlfriend. Take his actions at face value and don't assign any more meaning to them.

 

I know it's hard but otherwise you will just continue to feel frustrated.

[MangoMango]

I don't know if telling you this will help, but just try to let it be for now, don't worry too much. Easier said than done, of coz. We always assume the worst when we don't know the details, but most of the time it is not the case. I know how you feel, i'm also not very patient, i hate waiting, i got all these questions popping in my head, etc. But patience is key here. So I used to give myself 1 rule, that is: if he makes me wait X amount of time before giving me a reply, I'll make him wait X*1.5 amount of time before giving him mine. I know it sounds silly and childish, but it helps me restraint myself from jumping at his texts/calls and reply straight away all the time.

[Betty79]

Yes, i know maybe I am being a bit impatient, its just i know what he's like...even if he doesn't reply for a day or so he always reads them straight away and I get a read receipt thing. The only other time I got nothing was when I basically said take space and time if thats what you want and then get back in touch if you ever think you want the same as me. Never got a read for that, and didnt hear from him for 6 weeks thats why I think this maybe the same. He is in work all the time, so something I sent yesterday lunchtime he would have read by now even if it was just a quick glance when he got in in the morning but nothing...

 

I know I must learn to relax, and there is nothing more I can do about it now. Its just so hard to be sat there in work looking and waiting all the time. Its almost as though he is playing games with me, we had a really nice time sunday night and now he is popping up and disappearing again. I mean why ask me a question in the email if you dont want a response!

 

Anyways, if i do hear from him again i think i am going to try and do this x1.5 thing. Normally I just leave it about an hour or so and then reply cos im pleased to have heard from him and want to tell him things but perhaps I should give him a taste of his own medicine. So if he replied to me tomorrow morning then that would mean i wouldnt reply until monday I'm not holding my breath though.

 

Also I would love to not put all my eggs in one basket Rapunzel, it would take the edge off and I am open to meeting other people. I go out quite a bit but I just haven't met anyone else to go on a date with yet so yes it is hard.

[Betty79]

The thing is i was in such a good place before we met on weekend...he was doing most of the contacting and arranging to meet up I felt like I was in control. I think even after the weekend I would have been ok if he hadn't of told me to email him and then practically ignored me afterwards. I feel like things have shifted again now and he is back in the driving seat. How do I get out of this and back to how I was?

[Betty79]

So he still has not replied and I have had no receipt for my mail even though I know he would definitely have read it by now. I just don't get it, it was so nice when we met up and he suggested doing something again and asked me to email him and now this back to nothing. I know I won't hear from him now. He did the same thing last time he disappeared for 6wks. Why get back in touch with me though and meet up and kiss me if he's not interested? I am feeling so low today. Please any advice would be appreciated. Its like he has two sides to him. So nice when we're together then nothing when we're apart.

[rapunzel]

I'm sorry, I know what it is like to want someone and they can't be had. There is no point in trying to figure him out, you never will. You only have control over yourself. Just remember what he did last time - he disappeared for 6 weeks. So expect the same behavior from him. Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, in many cases.

 

Ask yourself if you want this kind of behavior from a boyfriend? I think you will find the answer is no.

 

How to get back in the driver's seat? MOVE ON. Don't reply quickly to any contact from him, make him wait several days or don't reply at all. Don't JUMP just cause he wrote you back. You are giving him too much power here and I hate to say it, but dating IS a game and the trick to winning the game is to be the pursued, and NOT the pursuer!

 

Take it from one who pursued and LOST big time. Still have major regrets...

[Betty79]

Ok thanks rapunzel..all the advice you have given me on here makes a lot me sense and I do appreciate it. I guess its back to nc for me..it hurts a bit but I guess thats the risk I took in responding to him and meeting up with him. He is not the person I thought he was or wanted him to be. Although its hard maybe he will leave me alone for good this time and I can move on eventually. I obviously had a better night than he did when we met up on the wknd. I just thought it went so well.

[MangoMango]

There can be numerous reasons why he didn't reply you know. Could be intentionally, but also could be accidentally. Could be your email got mixed up with the spam, could be his computer breaks down, could be he's sick... I think you are just assuming the worst, that he couldn't care less and now has decided to disappear from your life again. I don't know, I don't know him. It's reasonable that you are feeling this way, after all it has happened to you before. However the past does not equal the future, don't let it ruin your day. I think we should all listen to the advice that was given somewhere on here, which is to go with what we know rather than what we assume

 

Anyway my ex is acting exactly the same. I thought our last contact went so well, but then he just vanished. Everyday I'm finding excuses to make contact with him, then spend the whole day trying to fight it. I write this post hoping it would help you, and also to remind myself. But really, waiting sucks.

[Betty79]

Mango you say there could be another reason? So should I give it another try and send him a text or something instead or should i leave it? The only other possibiiity i think there could be is if my mail got caught up with spam as the first time I sent the mail I sent an attachement with it which i dont think worked so i then sent the mail again without the attachement. Only thing is like I said this happened once before we had emails going back and forth all day and the last one I sent discussed how I felt etc and I didnt have a read or a reply for 6 weeks until he popped up again and thats what makes me wary.

[MangoMango]

I think just leave it for now, at least until the weekend. You mentioned it was to answer something that he asked, right? If he actually needs it he'll ask again. By the way, you guys don't communicate by any other means, like texts/calls/IM?

[Betty79]

Hi Mango

 

Yes we also communicate by text as well, i sent him a joke this morning in fact , just incase but he didnt reply to that either. So i guess thats it now. Its just so hurtful and rude. I mean why ask me to email, meet up, text me if he is then just going to disappear afterwards. I really dont understand him at all. I feel like I am going to start all over from the beginning now to forget him. So hard.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hi Mango

 

Yes we also communicate by text as well, i sent him a joke this morning in fact , just incase but he didnt reply to that either. So i guess thats it now. Its just so hurtful and rude. I mean why ask me to email, meet up, text me if he is then just going to disappear afterwards. I really dont understand him at all. I feel like I am going to start all over from the beginning now to forget him. So hard.

 

 

Mr. Unreliable. At least you found out now rather than wasting years of your life.

 

I disagree with the notion of women should not ask about the relationship because it puts them in a "one-down" position. Actually, I think by refraining to ask the question for fear of having the guy run away, THAT is the "one down" position. If enough time has elapsed in the dating process, or the guy is blowing hot and cold, a woman of strength should be able to ask the appropriate questions so as not to further waste her valuable time. Having a relationship end simply by asking the question means the guy never had any intentions of committing to the relationship and the woman would have been strung along for as long as the guy could get away with it or until he met someone with whom he actually did want a relationship. A man who truly cares about the woman would certainly not be put off about the question and would not run 1000 miles away.