One cannot heal with continued contact

[rapunzel]

Take it from me. I have only had a total 3 weeks of NC with him since we work together as musicians. Someone pointed out that he really doesn't qualify as an 'ex' as we only had two rather short term relationships so I'll refer to him as "him". I met him almost 3 years ago. The last 2.5 years have been consumed by him. I go to sleep thinking of him, and I wake up thinking of him. I torture myself with the memories of where it went wrong and where I screwed up. When I met him, he blew my socks off. I could not believe my good fortune, that an attractive, intelligent man in my age range was single and was attracted to me. I was convinced he was "the one". I was a "fool in love".

 

Just this morning I was reading some of my old threads and reliving what happened a year ago. I even go back and dredge up stuff from two years ago. I never win, I always come up short and I still come up short every time I see him. He is dating someone new, he is happy, his life is on track and I am just some woman in his band that he messed around with (to him). He never felt much for me. I don't think I can bear seeing him with his new woman if he brings her to our December show. I am assuming he will bring her.

 

So this week I drafted my good bye letter to my group. I cannot believe that I am actually possibly going to do this. It seems SO drastic. I still worry, endlessly, that it is the WRONG decision and if I just wait it out a few more months, I will get over him. But I saw him last week at rehearsal, and when he said hi to me, I saw those eyes, I saw those lips, and I am STILL in love with him, or whatever you want to call it. Unrequited love, lust, desire, sadness, hope, dashed hopes...The rest of the rehearsal I just could not look at him. I feel like he must have been able to tell that I was actively trying to avoid him. They changed around the set up of the room so now he is in my viewing range whereas before he was on the side of me and I could avoid looking at him. Now I have to actively NOT look at him. It's uncomfortable. I am NOT going to rehearsal this week.

 

Anyway, I'll propose a leave of absence and see if they go for it. Here is my draft letter which I would send the day after our next show. I am giving them 30 days notice before the next show. They will probably do the January show without me, and then I assume they would find a replacement for the February shows and thereafter.

 

"Dear all -

 

I am sorry to communicate this news via email but I'm too chicken and sad about it to tell you in person. Apologies also for the short notice.

 

As of January 1st I need to take a leave of absence from (the group name here) for an indefinite period of time. I completely understand if you have to replace me and I certainly don't expect you to wait for my return, but it may be possible in the future.

 

It has been a really wonderful experience rehearsing and performing with you all. Thank you for the opportunity. You are all great, amazing people and I will miss everyone very much.

 

Best wishes,

R"

 

Thoughts? Am I shooting myself in the foot? Will I kick myself for leaving this amazing group because of HIM?

[renaissancewoman101]

I really wouldn't give up something you are passionate about (the singing group), just over your ex. For one thing, it may look like (in his eyes) that you are giving up or running away from things (not that it matters). Also, this group is something you are passionate about and find solace and a sense of "belonging". If you give it up, will you be able to find another group to join and feel a sense of belonging.

 

I am afraid that if you give this up, you might regret it down the road

[rapunzel]

I really wouldn't give up something you are passionate about (the singing group), just over your ex. For one thing, it may look like (in his eyes) that you are giving up or running away from things (not that it matters). Also, this group is something you are passionate about and find solace and a sense of "belonging". If you give it up, will you be able to find another group to join and feel a sense of belonging.

 

I am afraid that if you give this up, you might regret it down the road

 

Thank you, Ren. These are my concerns as well. However, a good friend pointed out that my mental health is paramount and I'm still NOT doing well at all emotionally.

 

Logically and rationally, I can easily point to and identify my distorted thoughts as I KNOW this is what leads me to feeling like crap. After all this time, I *should* have accepted what happened and realized that he is not the right person for me. YET - the memories just won't leave me, or else I perhaps choose to not let them leave me. But we all struggle with this. Remember the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? I feel like I need to have my memories erased to get past this. The time I spent with him were probably the most passionate intense experiences of my life. He also said many times to me, how "intense" it was with me. But he didn't like it for whatever reason. When he broke up with me, he cited the "intensity" as one of the reasons he felt "great anxiety" about it. He proposed we remain platonic and get to know one another. I tried that and then it ended up with Round 2 nine months later and him dumping me again, and immediately going on link removed. He's now, naturally, with someone else - 15 years his junior.

 

I KNOW for a FACT I will have regrets about leaving. My bandmate says I will be just as depressed but when I was in tears the other night, at the bar after our rehearsal, he looked at me and said "maybe you do need to quit".

 

I'm a bit embarrassed to be posting this stuff. People are dying in third world countries, getting blown up in suicide bomb attacks, getting diagnosed with cancer in my neighborhood. I am in good health (except emotionally), well fed, loved by friends and family, afforded performing experiences that many people dream about, and I want to give it all up because this guy rejected me.

[rapunzel]

Oh, and no, there will not be a similar group that is as established as this one. Sure, I can find people who rehearse in their basements and hack around in that type of group but this group is well known, and we have a following, a great reputation. We now have shows booked through December 2010. It's a unique situation and I will not find anything like it. I can join a community chorus, or a choir, but that will also not be anything like this group.

 

I do feel a sense of belonging, and maybe a sense of solace but it is all clouded by his presence. I acknowledge that I ALLOW him to cloud my emotions.

 

my bandmate asked me if I do leave, was I leaving out of spite. Absolutely not. I'm leaving to heal. Yes, I will admit that I wonder what his reaction will be. Earlier this year when he caught wind that I was thinking of quitting, he called me and said he really did not want me to leave and pointed out all the work I've put in, all the time and rehearsing. I am sure he would feel guilty if I leave, but I don't want that. His guilt wouldn't last too long. Maybe he would slightly relieved as this past summer, during a talk initiated by him, he did refer to our situation as "the elephant in the room" and that he was having a hard time with it.

[vivia12]

Rapunzel as a professional singer and musician myself,at first i understand how you feel,being rejected and replaced by someone whose touched your heart. Thankgoodness i wont get to see my heartnreaker since he lives in another country

however,maybe you should talk it over to friends,or someone you really trust about leaving this band. you said its well known and has a reputation,believe me there alot of struggling bands that hardly make it like your group. First i thought,yes she should quit,

but i say screw it!

In this economy,and plus you are using your talents,i wouldnt quit just yet,why give this man the satisfaction. what makes him so special? just because you work withhim doesnt mean you should talk to him,alot of people here has to work with their exes.

Be strong,hey i dated musicians myself,he may be happy with his new glame,but soon as another girl or groupie catches his eyes,she will be toast.

Then you may regret leaving when you see yoru bands name light up a marquee or in a poster,because you let this clown driive you away

[rapunzel]

Thank you for your reply, vivia. I have talked my friends' ears off. I have talked my bandmate/confidante's ear off. No one knows what to tell me as of course, it is my decision. I've been agonizing over this for over a year and this past week, I feel like it's come to a head. Certainly part of the reason is he's in a new relationship and I can feel his giddiness - yeah, part of that I am "assuming". When he was with me, he couldn't keep his eyes off other women and this new one is not a drop dead beauty, but she is 35, 15 years younger than he is so I "assume" he is treating her with kid gloves, she's more of a "prize" than I am , at 48.

 

The reason I stayed is what you said: don't want to give him the satisfaction, and give him that kind of power over me. Except for his presence and the memories of what happened between us, I enjoy the group. But the memories and the continued contact do weigh heavy on my psyche.

 

I don't go out of my way to talk to him, we engage in very limited conversation. I feel it is palpably more tense lately, and I can't imagine he doesn't feel it but I am quite sure he's not ruminating about it nor posting on an internet support board! But we rehearse in a small room with 8 people. I can smell him when he walks by me. His phone rang the other night and I saw his face answering it as he walked outside and I just thought: "it's her. He's happy. I am the last thing on his mind and he is the FIRST thing on mine."

 

Yes, I do worry that what you say will indeed happen. They will replace me, and they'll continue getting these great gigs and it is INEVITABLE that I will hear about it, unless I move accross the country. I will feel left out, less than, and weak for leaving the group.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Someone pointed out that he really doesn't qualify as an 'ex' as we only had two rather short term relationships so I'll refer to him as "him"

 

Talk about someone de-valuing your feelings! I guess if this person can convince you that this guy is not REALLY an ex this person is really, in a round-about way, implying that you have no right to be as upset as you are about this. A person is an "ex" if there is any kind of mutual understanding of interest, whether explicit or implicit.

[LivingToday]

A person is an "ex" if there is any kind of mutual understanding of interest, whether explicit or implicit.

 

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs, I NEEDED to hear that for myself. In my situation I ended the friendship, only way to keep my sanity.

 

Back to OP, ending it is probably not the way to go...

 

At first I too thought for you to leave your band! But I'm in agreement with vivia12 after thinking about it. I think you should stay, this is your livelihood, you deserve it. Your income (whether part or whole doesn't matter)!

 

And the part about being embarrassed thinking of yourself when all the other stuff is going on...don't worry about that in this situation, what is happening now IS your world. Pray for those people though, and pray for your situation. Pray whether this is the right or wrong decision, I know the answer will be revealed. Take care and keep up with the music!

 

*You even have me curious to wanting to hear, hehe.

[rapunzel]

Talk about someone de-valuing your feelings! I guess if this person can convince you that this guy is not REALLY an ex this person is really, in a round-about way, implying that you have no right to be as upset as you are about this. A person is an "ex" if there is any kind of mutual understanding of interest, whether explicit or implicit.

 

Actually, it was someone here on ENA, whose advice has been very helpful despite sometimes indicating that I have blown this thing up into a much larger thing that it was/should have been. In a way, she's right. But one must take any advice from people here on ENA, who have never met me nor him, with a grain of salt.

 

But I hear what you are saying. That said, we didn't have a long term thing, and it never got out of the honeymoon stage. He nipped it both times before it could turn into anything serious. I will maintain that we have now known each other for almost 3 years, and 2.5 of those years had two relationships, and all the fallout that happens after break ups...and there were two of them. And I've never gotten away from him.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs, I NEEDED to hear that for myself. In my situation I ended the friendship, only way to keep my sanity.

 

Back to OP, ending it is probably not the way to go...

 

At first I too thought for you to leave your band! But I'm in agreement with vivia12 after thinking about it. I think you should stay, this is your livelihood, you deserve it. Your income (whether part or whole doesn't matter)!

 

And the part about being embarrassed thinking of yourself when all the other stuff is going on...don't worry about that in this situation, what is happening now IS your world. Pray for those people though, and pray for your situation. Pray whether this is the right or wrong decision, I know the answer will be revealed. Take care and keep up with the music!

 

*You even have me curious to wanting to hear, hehe.

 

Actually, it's not my livelihood. I make a bit of money from it but it's not about the money. It's about the art and the performing. I do make money in my other group that plays at weddings and such. Ideally, it would be my livelihood but it's tough to make a living in music unless you make it big or if you run a highly successful wedding band, or write a hit song that a famous artist records. And the cost of living in my city is very high so few musicians here do JUST music.

 

But if I leave, I am essentially cutting this part of my life off; all the musicians in town know each other and it's a pretty vibrant and tight music community. If people heard I quit for no good reason it may reflect badly on me. Because if people asked, I would just have to say something like: "I got tired of it, and wanted to try other things". I really have NO good reason and I'm not going to say: "well, Whats-his-name broke my heart over a year ago and I never got over it so I have to leave." What's-his-name and I were never open about our "relationships". And I would lose out on the amazing opportunities that have been afforded me by being in this group.

[renaissancewoman101]

If that is the case, DON'T quit the group. I don't want to see you regret your decision.

 

I know you are having a tough time dealing with your ex being in the same musical group as you, but can you try to cultivate other friendships in your group so that you can have stuff to concentrate on or people to hang with?

 

You are a strong woman.

 

You WILL get through this

[rapunzel]

Yes Ren, I am good friends with one other guy and I am friendly with everyone, I just don't hang out with them outside the group like I do this one guy.

 

I guess it doesn't have to be January 1st. It just seemed like a good "new year" thing to do, a fresh start. I can leave in a few months if I still don't feel better. I did not sign a binding contract or anything.

[vivia12]

Renn woman is right,don't quit the group. hey youre not alone in this,we are looking after Your best interest not His. Think about how many posts that people have to work with their exes. The fact is you are in the band, they appreciate your unique talents. Dont let this guy (loser),whose probably has hit on every female on and off the music scene have his way.. Who cares if he's giddy,thats his immaturity,and as i predicted, soon he's going to have excuses for his new gf why he can't join her for dinner tonight,cuz he has to work "late'.He'll be banging other females,if he did it once,.he'll do it again.. I dated a musician,a very talented one,and he's no more committed to his new Gf,i know..he tried to hit it with me even though his current gf 's in Paris where he now lives. Not saying all musician are like that,my father is not that way,but still. Do You want him to be the that reason you're no longer in this awesome band? Think long term,and if you need support why not ask your friends or family to show up at your concerts? i'm sure they'd love a night of good music.Then you can hang with your friends out after the concerts. And maybe that one reply from that Ena person may have not been that correct,not all of us has no clue,so you should take at least one advice with more salt since most of us has been there done that.

No i strongly believe don't do it.

[rapunzel]

Thanks, I've read many, many posts and I would say most people do NOT work with their exes and boy, do I wish I was one of them.

 

My ex is not a bad guy. He is very good looking so he has a decent sized ego as people have probably been telling him his whole life how handsome he is. And he does have a problem in his inability to be very discreet when he looks at other women.

 

So I don't call him a loser, he's not. I don't blame him completely for what happened, I am responsible, fully, for my half of the equation. He really did not do anything too terrible - well, except he should have stayed away from me after he dumped me the first time. To go for Round 2 when he probably knew fully well he had no intention of having a real relationship with me and was not over his ex was inappropriate and selfish.

 

I also don't think he's a cheater. He doesn't sleep around with more than one woman at a time. He may or may not repeat his pattern of "running" when things get serious or emotional. He admitted to me that this is how he behaves in relationships but he's in therapy to try to correct this problem so maybe this new younger Ivy league gal will be the one to cure him. I know I should not be concerning myself with his life but he's not a typical dirtbag musician who sleeps with everything that moves.

 

I do have friends and family that come to some of the shows. You can't expect people to come out to every one.

[mad rabbits]

Gosh Rapunzel, I could have written your thread. I mean the situations are somewhat different but the relationship dynamic between you and your ex sounds very similar to mine with my ex. I too was a "fool in love" with a guy I did not mean much to!

 

This is just a suggestion, because I very much understand your desire to quit the band under these circumstances...maybe just a plain old change of perspective would help? I mean really, really work hard to change your view of this guy and the past you shared so that you get to a point where you just feel like, "know what, screw all this crap!"

 

The most important person in your life is YOU, and the most important thing in your life is doing what YOU love to do!!

 

I think you need to get angry to move past this. Not at him per se. At the situation. At yourself for investing so much in something worth so little. You blame him for going in for round 2. I do this with my ex as well. But you also went in for round 2! (as I did!)

 

This guy is no awesome mr perfect. He's just a guy who looks good, that you had some chemistry with. Your ego has taken a hit too, because he has replaced you. The fact that she is 15 years younger is somewhat telling, I bet he feels less threatened by their relationship, but that is kind of besides the point...

 

The point is that I think you have an option here of motivating yourself harder to move on by changing the way you think about things. And then you can stay with the band at get the best of everything.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your thoughts. I would love to be where your posts suggests I try to be, which is OVER IT. As I said, I take full responsibility for my actions which yes, includes going for Round 2 even though there were red flags. Actually, I blame myself WAY more than I blame him. He did typical dumper stuff, and I knew what he was doing....yet I let myself be duped into thinking he cared about me. I am an adult and I could have conducted myself differently too...but I wanted him. Nine months did go by between Round 1 and Round 2, and neither of us slept with anyone else, so I felt I deserved some credit for waiting so long and for not pursuing him during the break. Yet he confessed early into Round 2 that he was depressed over HIS ex (who he hadn't slept with in well over a year) as she had finally moved on and only wanted to be "friends". But I read something in a relationship book that made me think it was OK to get involved with a man who was still grieving an old relationship - big mistake. Stupid. But I'm human, I was lonely and he was available and it happened.

 

No, he's not Mr. Perfect and no one is. The problem is I still feel this strong chemical attraction to him even after everything has happened. Even this morning I woke and remembered acutely one particularly intense morning we had together and actually felt myself desiring him. Gheesh. And the fact that he is in my sights, in my smells, and I know he's bonking someone else who is 13 years younger than me, and I'm alone....well, not good for the ole psyche. Or ego.

 

Yeah, he lied about his age by 6 years on match to meet younger women. He is a beautiful man so he can get away with it. She has two Ivy league degrees and has money and he has neither but he does have the age factor (wiser, more patient, etc), his good looks and sexy aura, and she represents youth, vitality, nubility, agelessness. I also know that her ex was 12 years older than her so apparently she digs older men. Whatever, I know I should not be thinking about this person who has nothing to do with me.

 

I agree that if I change my thinking about things, then I could stay and eventually perhaps all feelings for him would dissipate. But that could take months because I'm nowhere near over him.

 

I hate the thought that he can probably tell I'm uncomfortable....at rehearsal last time he was so freakin' close to me and I felt so exposed, and I felt like I could not really be myself. I would not even look at him so he must have felt that. But I felt he was trying not to look at me either. I dunno, maybe I'm giving him too much credit but how can he not notice? If I was over him, I'd be as chatty and friendly as I would be with anyone. Well, I have already decided I am not going to rehearsal this week. I'll go to the one prior to our show.

[citymouse]

Hi rapunzel, I think when I was chatting with you on another thread I had given you my thoughts on quitting the band -- but it wasn't until reading this thread that I realized the scope of your dilemma. I didn't realize this band was so special to you and that it offers a rather rare opprtunity. I can see why you have anguished over this decision. I don't know what the right answer is but I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.

 

I feel like a wimp compared to you because I wasn't nearly as involved with my most recent fling as you were with your ex --- this is the guy who runs the coffeehuse/market down the block from my apt. -- yet I've been avoiding that place like the plague.

 

This morning I just got fed up though -- and went and got some shopping done. I know he is not usually there on Sunday monings but still there was that chance.

 

Although I felt nervous and anxious, ultimately it felt good to go back. I think I may be ready to start going back there. I really am sick and tired of doing without things driving out of my way to get stuff that I need. I'm tired of being in self-imposed exile. This is my neighborhood too, dammit.

 

It has been three weeks since he called to wish me a happy birthday-- no contact since then. I've decided that if he approaches me at the store-- I'm going to be brief and tell him I didn't go there to chat with him, I just need to do some marketing. I am pretty sure he will respect my space but if he doesn't I will be more firm.

 

of course there's always the lovely possibility that he will ignore me as if I don't exist, and if so, I'm sure I'll come limping back here to the boards with tissues in hand.

 

oh well, whatever. I'm going to take the plunge and let the chips fall.

 

The difference in my case is that we don't work together. We dont' have to talk or interact. If I can just be strong enough, I can just stroll in and stroll out with my purchases. So, we'll see.

 

Anway, I just wanted to stop by and wish you the best as you continue to work through this.

 

Also, sorry for the punctuation errors /misspellings. I spilled water on the laptop and the keyboard is acting up -- ugh.

[miss_sunshine86]

Yeah I will be doing STRICT NC from now on, i dont want to accidently see a mesage to one of his repulsive * * * * * * ever again

[browneyedgirl36]

As we discussed before, R, I swear our exes were separated at birth. Other than having different names, different occupations, and mine being a few years older than yours, I swear, from your descriptions it sounds as if you and I dated the same guy!

 

A lot of what you wrote -- about going for a second round, etc. -- I could have written myself. I did exactly the same thing. Technically, I went for three "rounds" with mine, although for one of them, we weren't really dating. I too wake up in the morning and think about very special, intimate times we had, and I still desire him too. I don't know if he is with someone else -- I don't want to know, really -- but despite his claims recently that he didn't plan to get into a romantic relationship for a LONG time because he needs to work on himself (total let-her-down-easy cliche -- GAG!) I wouldn't be surprised if he went back to his ex (for round 4? 5? 6? I've lost count!) OR if he found someone else. I try not to think about it, though -- it just isn't productive or healthy. All I need to know is that he made a decision not to be with me. The why's and wherefore's don't really matter.

 

I know in the past I said you should quit the band, and though I understand VERY much why you don't want to quit, I think that remaining in the band has stalled your healing significantly. There is something about not having access to the person on a regular basis that forces most of us to move on faster. I know that for me, with several people I dated, the minute they were out of the picture I felt SO sad, but the fact that I didn't work with them and had NO reason to see them again made a huge difference in my healing. I was forced to think of other things, to not hold out unrealistic hopes. They weren't there to give me mixed signals, and I wasn't constantly going in circles with myself analyzing their every word and action, wondering if they were seeing other people, looking for "signs" that they missed me, reading into everything they said and did (or didn't say and didn't do).

 

I'm not sure what to tell you. I totally understand your reasons for NOT quitting, even though this band isn't your only source of income and you could technically live without it.

 

Is it possible just to take a short leave of absence, perhaps 90 days, and see how you feel after that time? I was thinking you could tell the band -- in writing if you choose to -- that you need just a bit of time off to take care of some personal things -- (not sure how you would word that, but I'll keep thinking about it!) and that you will be back in 90 days. Then, as the end of the 90 days nears, if you feel you really can't handle it, or you simply decide you don't want to go back, you can tell them that you have decided not to come back. I'll think on this more because it isn't fully formed in my head.

 

I guess my thought is that even a few months of interrupted NC would be valuable to you, if only to give you some relief from the discomfort of having to try so hard to put up a front and act as if everything is OK. As you know, I will be having that with my ex -- actually, it could be up to 6 or 7 months if I really wanted it to be -- and this is probably the best thing that could happen for me. I am fortunate that it doesn't require me to quit my job -- I'm just doing my job on another continent, which I am very fortunate to be able to do. I think about 7,000 miles' worth of distance should do the trick, don't you? If you could find a way to just take a set amount of time off -- rather than an indefinite amount of time -- you might be more likely to be able to keep your place in the band if/when you decide to return.

 

Anyway, I understand. Your ex is a lot like mine -- charismatic, very magnetic, very attractive (particularly for his age), very smooth and persuasive and difficult to resist. But...at the end of the day, they are just people -- deeply flawed, very human -- and they walk down on the sidewalk just like the rest of us. I think you have your ex on a pedestal that is far, far above where he really would be if you were able to look at him objectively. I have come to the conclusion with mine that the good looks, the charisma, the magnetism -- all superficial stuff. Inside, he's a hot mess. A train wreck. He's right -- he DOES need to take a break from relationships and work on himself. I doubt he will for long, but he really needs to.

 

One thing about our situations that differs is that I notice something that is a repeated thread in your comments about this guy -- something that I have had to train myself not to do -- you focus a lot on age and on comparisons with and speculations about his new girlfriend -- and you always end up coming out on the short end in your mind -- even if you don't realize that you're doing it, you are at least subtly putting yourself down. So she's 35. Big deal. Ivy league education? Meh. Age is just a number. Where one went to college does NOT make him or her a better choice -- or even a good one. All superficial stuff. You know who you are on the inside, righ? That's what matters -- not looks, not age, not status, not all of this outward stuff. Everytime you think about her or talk about her in terms of those things, you are making comparisons with yourself -- albeit subtly, sometimes -- and you are downgrading YOUR value. You have given yourself some good pep talks of late, and that's good, but the key is you have to believe all those good things about yourself. Part of that is NOT making those comparisons with his girlfriend and NOT setting up his love and affection for you (or lack thereof) as any sort of barometer of your worth or value.

 

I know you know all this, and I hope I don't sound preachy, but there's a big difference between what our head knows and what our heart feels is true. That disconnect is sometimes a gaping chasm -- I know this from my experience and I struggle with it all the time.

 

Hang in there.

[rapunzel]

Thanks citymouse and browneyedgirl for your thoughts.

 

I am actually skipping rehearsal tonight. It's no big deal, I know my parts and we have another rehearsal before our show next week. But I just know how crappy I felt for a few days after seeing him last week. It's better if I don't see him, this I know. So I'm staying home and watching a movie. I emailed them all that I had a conflict.

 

I keep weighing my options. I ran the "leave of absence" idea past my bandmate and he thought it wouldn't work, as it would be "weird". I did not get him to elaborate. I agree that it would be weird in that it would most certainly "get out" that my reason for leaving was to get away from HIM and then to come back after 3 months and having everyone (including him) possibly know this? Ugh. Talk about losing face.

 

Yes BEG, you are right, I still have him on a pedestal. And like your ex, he is just as messed up in the head as anyone. He certainly does NOT have it all together, athough outwardely he appears to have it all. He admitted some of his problems again to me this past summer. He's always been quite willing to reveal his fears, flaws to me. Which is fine, I like that about him but it is very clear that he's still in his midlife crisis or whatever he's in. I mean, if he is going to lie about his age online by 6 years to meet younger women and then date someone 15 years younger, it just kind of screams "midlife crisis". But he's been in it as long as I've known him, so maybe it's just his excuse for wanting to date younger chicks.

 

I know, I should not dwell on the fact that he is with a much younger woman, but it does make me feel....bad. I'm working on that, as I know there is not a darn thing I can do about the year I was born.

 

By the way, that's great that you could extend your trip to 6 or 7 months. I wish something like that would come up for me, and I could leave the country!

 

I'll keep thinking about the 90 day leave of absence option....and how I could make it work. But as my bandmate said, it might not work at all. And frankly, after all this, I'm not sure 90 days is enough. I think I may need at least 6 months to put this all behind me. Sigh.