Ex just called and we spoke. Please help me understand.

[Nappyloxs]

Okay, some quick background. I wrote her today to tell her I was sending the money I owe her to her parent's house. (long story). In that email, I said I was never going to contact her again. I really meant it, that why I was spending her the money I owe her to fully start putting this behind me.

 

I also had a thought today that the worst of the healing process was behind me. I wasn't upset, sad, depressed, anymore when thinking about the relationship.

 

BOOM, she calls me. She tells me she is calling because her friends say that I need a "closure talk." So we talk for about an hour.

 

Basically, she tries to tell me move on. I said that I am moving on each day that I wake up. Some are worst than others, but the worst is behind me. That moving on isn't so easy for me because I love her so much that 3 months isn't anything. I tell her over the phone that I love her, have changed, have learned from this experience, etc....

 

Well, she says she isn't going backwards, but tone in her voice, I could tell she was hurting by what I was saying to her. She was holding back tears, sniffling, and would not allow herself to open up.

 

To me, it was a really heart-filled conversation. I asked her if she still has any love for me, to please reconsider us getting back together because I have changed in so many ways. She said she won't.

 

She wants everything to be about her in her life right now. I told her I respect that, but still one day she is going to want what we had even if its not with me.

 

Many there was so much. I could just tell that what I was saying affected her and that she still cared and it isn't easy for her.

 

We talked about the breakup fight, but we nixed that as that was hurtful to both of us.

 

ENA, I am so confused. I felt like the worst was over today. Then she calls and I could hear in her voice that she still cares. It felt so good to hear her voice again. I don't want this to be a setback in my healing process, but I still do love her so much.

 

My friend said that I stirred up the pot. I hope I did, but I don't have any hope that it will work. I could tell that she is not going to allow it to get to her, although she was crying, she said she wasn't crying over me.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to wait for her anymore. I have waited for 3 months now. I still don't think she believes what I said about changing.

I did not know that I hurt her so much during the relationship, I want so badly to prove to her that I am sorry, that I have changed, and that I love her.

 

I don't know what to do. I am not going to contact her. I can't. I know it will do more harm than good. I know her friends are going to tell her to keep moving on, but they are giving her bad advice. I don't know how to proceed from here.

 

I know I need to go NC now and right now. I know that she may now think about what I have said and now know that I really mean it. Right now, I am thinking that she may realize one day what she is giving up and try to come back. It won't be tomorrow or even next month, but it may know happen one day. But I don't want to wait for her any longer. 3 months is long enough. I told her that I can't date other women, because I still love her, and it's not fair to me or the other women. And that I will "move on" when my heart has fully healed.

 

Do I try and continue to "get over" her? Or do I wait and see what happens?

 

I really love this girl, so much. Just hearing her voice reminded me of that.

 

Please any help and suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

[justletgo07]

I would take what she said at face value. Sure, there might be something going on in her head beyond the words she said, but what good is it going to do you to speculate and make assumptions? There's no sense putting your life on hold for something that might be. For the moment, despite her emotional reaction, she has made her intentions in this situation clear.

 

I guess my question to you would be, what more could you do? You're asking if you should go NC, but I guess I'm wondering what more could be said? What else is there to talk about? There's no need to deliberately cut contact if there is nothing left to talk about.

 

I would suggest working on letting go. Not because you'll never get back together, or because all hope is lost, or anything like that. There's no way anyone here can say what the chances are. Could be 0%, 100%, or anywhere in between. Let go because holding on isn't going to do anything positive for you. It won't increase you chances at reconciliation, and you'll slow your own healing. Take it from someone who is still hurting 14 months after the fact. You won't be doing yourself any favors by waiting to see what happens. Make a conscious decision to walk away, and remind yourself that you will, in fact, be just fine.

[Hobbes]

I agree with just but this is an interesting contact log. The thing is you can't hold on to her every word right now and you have to carry on being excellent and mysterious and visibly letting go and being strong - by telling her how you feel etc at this stage in your game, well I'm not sure if this will serve you well if you keep this up - this sounds like an ideal time for you to vanish a little. You have again laid your cards on the table and yes it has piqued her interest but now in this power struggle - although it seems things have shifted in your balance - you need to show some strength and resolve and the ability to be able to not rely on her and portray indifference. She knows how you feel and perhaps there is now apparent doubt there for the first time but you will never know if you continue in this laying-cards-on-table-i-will-be-there-for-you-no-matter-what phase...

 

It's tough man, the contact makes it no easier and you are somewhat helpless to her whims after bleeding your heart out, which makes it even tougher to accept after all you have been through but you have to roll on this slight power you have now, even if it is an imagined power. Your recent healing posts show that you are not moving on as much as you say you are (and who could blame you, a lot of us are there), I hope for your sake in wanting reconciliation that this does not provide the reverse of the desired effect. Can only commend you on your brashness but think of you too, you are kinda abusing a lot of things you have posted lately.

[quirky]

Is she with someone else? It depends on why you split up. Who left and why? Women hate it when the guy takes them for granted for example, it looks in our eyes like he doesn't respect us, that we're not hot, intelligent enough to find someone else. Depends on your ex's personality. Some women mean what they say but if she has the princess syndrome she might need more efforts from your side.

[Nappyloxs]

Can you please elaborate on the the abusing my latest posts?

 

I post what I feel that day, because that is how I feel at that moment. We know there are ups and downs in the healing process. I really feel like I have more ups than downs. And even with the downs, I find a way to find some good in them. I am not disagreeing with you, but I don't think I am abusing them. It just one day I feel motivated and feel like I am moving on; other days down. And I really do feel I am moving forward alot. Also, honestly, with posting advice, I feel it is better to tell people about the better days I have then the worst days, because its better to give them motivation and something else to hope for.

 

As far as the conversation went. I wasn't the one crying, I was a little shell-shocked at first, but as the conversation went on, I was okay expressing how I feel. No pity, needy, crying, etc... Just expressed how I felt as a man.

After the conversation, numbness, but not tears or even heartache. It was just more like "what the F just happened?"

 

I agree with both of the two posts. This is the best time to go NC; I acknowledge that in my post. I plan on never contacting her again. I sent her the money I owe her. And I am leaving it at that. She got to actually hear what I have said in all my emails to her. I said it like a "man" you could say, I said it sincerely and with my heart.

 

I guess what I am afraid of is if I keep moving forward now, and for example, in a month I meet someone new and then in a month, she decides to comeback. What do I do? I have had that happen before and it was a terrible experience for me and both women.

 

The initial shock of it is all over now. I think it may have just been a weak moment for her actually hearing everything she wanted to hear for the past two years and hearing them after she has made up her mind to leave. That is what I am going to tell myself it was. Nothing more, nothing less, and it doesn't change the fact that she is not here.

[jimbobday]

Had pretty much the same thing with my ex. She said she still wanted to be with me (and all the other stuff like I love you and so on a so on) but had other priorities in her life right now. It's been about a month and a half since the breakup. We were friends for a while but I couldn't handle it. The way I look at it is if she really really did love me and want to be with me she would be. If she doesn't really love me and want to be with me she doesn't deserve me. I try to think of that every time I miss her and am finding its helping me move on a little. I'm almost at the point now where I would say no to taking her back.

[Nappyloxs]

Is she with someone else? It depends on why you split up. Who left and why? Women hate it when the guy takes them for granted for example, it looks in our eyes like he doesn't respect us, that we're not hot, intelligent enough to find someone else. Depends on your ex's personality. Some women mean what they say but if she has the princess syndrome she might need more efforts from your side.

 

 

No she isn't with someone else. It was a mutual breakup, you can say. Ugly argument over nothing. Which lead to her saying something hurtful to me, and saying she was moving out, me having a power trip to try and hurt her back, and taking her clothes out of the closet and putting them on the bed and telling her to leave. She left.

 

I took her for granted, that and more is what I expressed to her on the phone.

 

Yes, she has princess syndrome. But now she also just wants her independence.

[tastytoothpaste]

I've been the female in this story before...She's not coming back. If she ever does, it's definitely not right now and not for a while.

 

Take what's in bold and put it into action.

[Ac143]

I agree with Southern, I have been there too. I guess it does depend on her personality but when I said "we're not getting back together" I meant it. Just because she was sniffing/crying doesn't mean she wants to get back together or thinking about it - it hurts to break up & talk to an ex, it brings back the heartache. I would suggest moving on. I know its hard, but you can't wait around for her.

[dumped]

I would say if you were going to make a move of any sort. Now is the time to do it. Women and men get lonely feelings during this time of year. You can use it to your advantage somewhat. But you cant be needy. telling her that you are not over her and cannot date anyone else probably has a bit of neediness to it. You have to do whats in your heart. Follow your heart on this one.

[tastytoothpaste]

I would say if you were going to make a move of any sort. Now is the time to do it. Women and men get lonely feelings during this time of year. You can use it to your advantage somewhat. But you cant be needy. telling her that you are not over her and cannot date anyone else probably has a bit of neediness to it. You have to do whats in your heart. Follow your heart on this one.

 

I don't want to take the sentiment out of this, because it is really important to follow your heart.

 

But....don't you think he already has made a move? He told her that he loves her, he's changed, and that he wants to get back together. She said point blank that she doesn't want to, and she's not changing her mind. I doubt making another move is going to do anything but repel her even further.

[Nappyloxs]

I really don't think there is anything else I can say to her. I just thought a little more about the conversation and I wish I would have said somethings different in the moment. (I swear I sounded like I was proposing to her for a moment, although I never done it or heard it outside of movies, I swear it felt like it).

 

I am going to let it sink in for a while. I actually feel a little better because I was upfront, sounded somewhat confident, and told her it was hard for me to speak with her as I was just feeling that the worst of it was over. I was totally honest and sincere to her. Even if some of it sounded needy, its true, that I can't date other women, because I still love her and its unfair to me and them. I probably could have said things differently, but I think I still got my point accross.

 

Ladies, she said she was the one who was heartbroken, she was going to allow her self to "go backwards," she said she regretted making the call as it turned out to hurt her. I know that shows she still cares. Does she care enough to want to comeback? (rhetorical question) I asked her if she still has any love for me to please think about what I said; to please reconsider. Her immediate answer was she cannot go backwards. I have to accept it and I do; nothing changed because of the conversation except that I guess I got closure actually telling her for a change. Maybe in awhile, she will reconsider, but I must move forward as if she isn't coming back.

 

Dumped: Trust me, I want to make a move, I really do. But what more can I do? The only things left our buying her expensive gifts or a ring. I am not going to try and "buy her love." and I am not buying a ring for someone I am not with. (although when we were talking, I almost said that I would).

 

Taking the day off from this one. I am not going to think about it anymore. I agree with you Southern, there is nothing else I can do. It goes back to my original thoughts, before the conversation: "I have done everything, I could to express everything to her, love, change, apology, and its still wasn't good enough. Oh well, I am just a romantic." (That is actually from one of my posts earlier today about 30 minutes before she called!!!)

[Nappyloxs]

My horoscope today

 

Watch the sunrise today. Open your eyes to the beauty around you and let it inspire you to take action. Someone may be trying to throw you a curve ball so be ready for the unexpected. You have a tremendously generous heart that you should share freely with others. Your helpful nature will draw others to you and help you skate effortlessly through your day. Teach someone a lesson that you know they need to learn.

 

My Tarot:

You believe in ideal love, in the equality of the sexes and other such theories that are rather naïve. Try to come down to earth on your own free volition, or someone else might have to get you down by force.

 

Man, do I love these things!!!

[quirky]

Yeah probably other people's advice is more sound, I'm not the most grounded person lol

 

I left my ex as well but due to his neglect and taking the relationship for granted. We had such a deep connection and he was very attracted to me I thought so I just couldn't understand why he took me for granted. Especially since I was NOTHING like a doormat. Sadly I suffer from the princess syndrome as well and I wanted consistency in his efforts. I just couldn't open up otherwise. He'd call and cry down the phone, you'd think the guy couldn't live without me and then as soon as it was difficult for me to break down the walls he'd pull back or say "yeah, you're right". So I would assume he didn't want it enough to fight for it. Recently again we spoke after 5 months appart, he's crying again, says some things anyone would think I'm the one ya know? I honestly don't know what to believe..I sometimes think that if I respond he'll lose interest. I fear that somethimes one of the 2 people or both just need to get it off their chest, that it doesn't actually mean they want to proceed with the relationship. Big words don't mean a lot, steady actions do.

[Nappyloxs]

I agree QG: That is kind of why I am confused. She said something along the lines of that I said all of this before. I told I know but I just have recurring thoughts: I love her, I changed, I am sorry; this is what I learned, etc... I think I have been consistent. I do believe she is afraid, because I know her and I also think she just has too many people giving her bad advice. I told her I know my words mean nothing, even if she believes them, I can only show her. I also said that my words cannot really describe everything, only my actions can, and that I can only show her if she allows me. (Needy? I hope not).

 

I want to fight for her or show her how much I really love her, but how? I can't go buy a ring, I am not going to try and buy her back, I could send hallmark cards or flowers, bears, chocolate, but I don't want to push her away. I think I stirred her up a little. I think she saw how much I really do love her. I really think it was a good conversation and that it hit her by surprise. Yes, I said I still love her and want to be with her, but I wasn't needy in my tone. I was assertive. I was like f it. This is my one last chance, cease it. She would say move on, and I said I have, but not completely because I love her that much that my love just doesn't die over night like others. I just don't know if anything reached her. I guess we'll see later.

[Nappyloxs]

Okay, I am now ready to talk about the one thing I took from the conversation that disturb me.

 

She blames me for everything.

 

I kicked her out she says, but 1) she left on her own and 2) when I told her why I was so mean to her, I told her it was because what she said hurt me so much. She refused to acknowledge what she said hurt me or that she was at all wrong too!!! I take the blame for my mistakes, but I am not the only one at fault.

 

Second, she still did not communicate. I was talking about how are problem was communication and before I could say it she was like "I know your going to say communication."

 

She even said the things she learned from this experience is to never give so much of herself to another guy (Ok, yes she was amazing in so many was, but I think she is going a little over board with that statement. She never supported, never communicated, it was not as if she was whipped). And that she just wants her independence. I could tell she is under the spell of the wicked witch!!! nothing good to remember or say, never give to a guy again, independence, that is her roommate's philosophy and that is why her roommate has been alone for 15 years.

 

FYI: one thing I did learn is that she felt lonely in the relationship, I vow never to make her or any women feel lonely again. Another lesson learned.

[quirky]

I'm trying to understand how your relationship was..would you say she was more giving?

 

She blames me for everything.

 

I kicked her out she says, but 1) she left on her own and 2) when I told her why I was so mean to her, I told her it was because what she said hurt me so much. She refused to acknowledge what she said hurt me or that she was at all wrong too!!

 

Yeah, this is the princess syndrome sadly..I gather that she felt neglected by you deep down. Also the blaming thing will die down with time, right now this almost helps her get over things. Same goes for her obseesion with independence.

 

Why did she feel lonely in the relationship I wonder? How where you in the relationship? Were you passive?

 

I feel that the best lesson I learned from my ex is discipline and selfishness. And he seems to have learned what love is..Maybe that hurts him to know but truth is I needed these tools, it helps me deal with life properly. I relate to what your ex is saying about her independence, I feel the same. I feel I was SO devoted to my ex that I'm very sceptical about going there again and in a way I've learned to live without him and that made me strong. I don't know exactly what to tell you, the thing with time is that it will definitely take away any resentment she may feel.

[BlueRizla]

From my recent experience with the 'princess syndrome' I can only see selfishness. My ex may have felt she was very giving .. and yes..actions mean alot but she was emotionally selfish to a fault and seemed to think it was my place to connect verbally and create the intimacy/conversation. When we split she citied wanting the closeness and intimacy and the lack of it was laid firmly at my door. I think an overinflated ego and ridiculous sense of entitlement should be added into the mix for this type of behaviour. Saving the ego at all costs , deflect and blame everything else as the prince didnt live up to the unrealistic ideal in her head. Barmy. And I didnt live up to it as I had issues, though I was willing to do the work and accept her as she was. She thought she didnt have to do anything. Her mum made her into this princess to protect her from getting hurt. I understand it though its still not nice to be on the receiving end.

 

Though you are correct Quirky..its still all based around fear. Damn that thing!! Or embrace it maybe lol

[Nappyloxs]

Yes, she was more giving. She did everything around the house, I did barely anything. She felt lonely, because we never did much together, like dinners, walks, going out anywhere. I told her I stuck in a rut during the last few months of our relationship. She said it was an excuse. But I was and I let it affect the relationship, because I never felt like going out. We did do some things that of course she forgets about. But still it was constant.

 

I was selfish in the relationship. I was selfish in so many ways I cannot even explain them right now, because honestly, yesterday opened my heart again, and if I start talking about all the mistakes I realized, I will beat myself up. But I was selfish. I tried to say the relationship was about us, but really I had no clue then what I was talking about as I know now that I need to give her so much more help with everything.

 

Define what you mean by passive?

 

I respect her desire to be more independent and I understand that she is skeptical. I wrote her again, and told her I was wrong for asking her to come back, that I was asking for too much and I know that she could not give that. I just asked her for one chance, whether its a walk, coffee, dinner, just one chance. I have heard a reply.

 

I want her to be independent. One of her problems is that she is too dependent on others. Even with the phone call yesterday, she said it was because her friends told her to call. That just upsets me to know that she is still listening to what others tell her to do.

 

Also with the independence thing, she is very impulsive. Now this may sound selfish on my part, but it really isn't. She moved to a new city and new state 1500 miles away from her family to be with me. She has a great job out here that prevents her from moving back home. So yesterday, she was saying how much she hates it here in this new city. Yet, she is trying to buy a condo. I worry about her buying a condo because 1) yes, I want us to live together again, because we started living together the first month we met. 2) but most important, I know she is impulsive, and I don't want her to make a mistake and waste a fortune. She hates it here, so why buy a condo, especially only 3 months after we broke up. Take time to breath before making the decision. I know how impulsive she is and I know that she isn't thinking it through. I worry that if she decides to move back home, she is stuck with a place here. Also, I do worry that if we reconcile we will have to deal with the issue of the condo one day and she will be regret buying it. Sorry, if it sounds selfish, but I am just thinking of all the hurdles we may have to overcome if we reconcile. Another one is her hate being here, I may have to consider moving back home because of her. Yes, I may be thinking too far ahead of myself, but I just want to think of everything.

 

Thanks QG, I hope the experience does make her stronger and I hope her anger/pain towards me does fade with time.

[Nappyloxs]

I agree with the princess statement. She does feel entitled. She really doesn't have an ego though, especially compared to other women I dated and her sisters. I know she expects a lot from me or any man. I know I cannot meet all those expectations. All I know is that I can and would do better than before, because I learned that I did not give it my all, so to speak. I am not saying that if she came back, I would be some new prince charming, hell no. Not even possible. What I can do is love her more, show her more, be her teammate as I want her to be mine, helping her do chores around the house, do things with her again, and basically just give her the best of me and not be afraid, doubt, or deny any of my feelings towards her.

 

Man, this sucks ENA. I really felt like I was healing. I wasn't over her, but I was really starting just to accept that it was over. Then I had to hear her voice and the feelings just rushed back in. Then I had to hear her cry and that I hurt her so much, and the feelings just came to wanting to prove to her that I am sorry and I want to make it up to her. My heart is fully open again. And I just don't know how to proceed.

 

As I said, I wrote her an email (or two) to clarify some things of our conversation. Mainly, just give me one chance to prove what I say and also, just listen to her heart. I am not writing her again. At least, for a while.

 

If I am given that one chance, my plan is to try and "sweep her of her feet." I wrote down some ideas, but I am not going to allow myself to worry about it until that chance comes. I wrote the ideas down, just so if the chance comes I remember what it is I want to do.

 

I am so confused, my heart is wide open again and I know that the conversation may have just been false hope.

[justletgo07]

I think its good to be able to admit that you made mistakes or could have done things better, but I think that its easy to fall into this mindset that "If I had just done this or that or not done this or that then things would have turned out differently" OR "If I just had one more chance, everything would be different." I think its normal, but you're placing the majority of the weight and responsibility for the break up on yourself, and looking at the situation as being determined largely by your actions alone.

 

Try not to forget that it takes two, and it always did. She didn't have to walk away. She had options too. It's not like your actions or behaviors left her with no other choice. There are always things you could have done better in retrospect, and I don't think your goal should be to prove anything to her. That moment has passed because it doesn't appear that she's looking for or expecting anything from you anymore. She has to make up her own mind, free from your influence, and that's the only way its going to happen. She's got to decide she loves you for the way you are (the way you act when you don't think anyone is watching) not the way you are trying to show her you can be.

 

Just my two cents. I hope things get easier for you in the days ahead.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks:

 

I know what your saying about doing things differently. But that is not it. I don't really know how to describe it. I feel like this. I love this girl you can tell. I made learned a lot of things in the past three months. The things I learned could only make our relationship stronger and better. It isn't about changing or really even proving. (I know I said prove, but I mean I want to show her that I am for real, not just temporary, not just words).

 

Honestly, I don't blame myself for the majority of the breakup. I think it was 50-50. I was talking with my mom about this issue this morning. Right now, there may be a chance (a small one) to reconcile. I am not going to bombarded her with "well you were at fault too." My goal is to get her to maybe consider reconciling, so that means I have to shoulder most of the "blame" for now. I can take it. Once she sees I am for real and opens up a little, then we can maybe work on the issues I have with her. But honestly, I can only change and learn from my mistakes. When the time comes, I can point out her mistakes and she may be able to change some of them. And, I do think that some of her mistakes were caused by mine. So that once mine are no longer there, neither will some of hers.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Thanks I really hope so too. I really think I am a hopeless romantic now. I think I am taking that maybe she will "see the light", comeback, and we'll be together forever, and I will be better. Its probably just a dream.

[justletgo07]

My goal is to get her to maybe consider reconciling, so that means I have to shoulder most of the "blame" for now. I can take it. Once she sees I am for real and opens up a little, then we can maybe work on the issues I have with her.

 

This is what concerns me. You're trying to give her what you think she wants in order to get her to reconsider things with you. Why do you think that you accepting the majority of the blame would be seen as appealing by her? Do you really think that a condition of her getting back with you should be that you accept the bulk of the blame? Why do you think she'd suddenly be willing to accept her role in the break up sometime down the road if she's not willing to now?

 

She's knows its not all your fault, or even mostly your fault, but she'll likely let you take the blame if you willingly do so. I'd venture to guess that while it wouldn't be a conscious thing, she may lose respect for you for willingly taking on the bulk of the blame. To me, it just doesn't set quite the right tone for a successful reconciliation because you're not meeting each other on a level playing field.

 

All of this is just my opinion, of course. I could definitely be wrong. Just thought these might be helpful things to think about.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks. In all honesty, you have a very very valid point. I don't really disagree with you. Ideally, she would would learn just as I have. Maybe she is losing respect for me. Maybe I am pushing her away. That is why I am on here seeking help. I am following my heart again too much right now. I need several opinions to try to get my mind and heart back in balance.

[justletgo07]

Thanks. In all honesty, you have a very very valid point. I don't really disagree with you. Ideally, she would would learn just as I have. Maybe she is losing respect for me. Maybe I am pushing her away. That is why I am on here seeking help. I am following my heart again too much right now. I need several opinions to try to get my mind and heart back in balance.

 

Just stay true to yourself, and don't sacrifice your dignity or happiness for others because that's one thing you should never have to do...for anyone...and no one that loves you would ever ask you to.

 

Good luck, buddy.