2.5 years and now its over

[phx]

A little over a week ago my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me... completely out of the blue. In fact things had been going really well!! So well, in fact that I thought we were headed down the road of marriage. He had been making a lot of comments about our future together. Almost a week before he broke up with me he said he knew that he knew he needed to marry me, and he just needed to stop being scared. He would talk about our future, and future investments, our future family and so forth. So there was really no reason for me to see it all coming to an end. We had been getting along so well, and all I could remember is how often we laughed together and how good things were going.

 

Well here is a little history about my ex. He has always had an unrealistic view of fighting within relationships. His view… there should be none. This is what I believe has stemmed from his parents. His mother and biological father had a very abusive relationship. It was extremely un-healthy and he knew that relationships should not be that way. However, it all came to an end once his mom found out his dad had been cheating on her. Once his parents divorced his mom remarried a very nice man who treated her like a queen. They never fought in front of their children. Not to say that they didn't fight, they just did it behind closed doors. So my ex saw one very unhealthy relationship, and then saw a relationship that appeared to be perfect. His mom and stepfather were married for almost 12 years.

 

Here is where the situation gets interesting. About 5 days before he broke up with me, we found out his mom was getting a divorce. It turns out that her husband (my ex's step-dad) has been cheating on her. We found out that their "perfect" marriage is ending and was never in fact perfect. I think their separation has hurt him more than he could have even imagined, and I truly think it is a huge reason why he broke up with me. I also don't even think that he can see that this has indeed affected our relationship. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But none the less, he decided to end our relationship out of the clear blue. He said that we couldn't be together because we didn't "mesh" well together. I can list more reasons than not, as to why we mesh well together (religious values, family values, work ethics, educational history, etc.) I asked him why he has said stuff like "he loves me so much, and knows that he needs to marry me", and that "he wants us to grow old together, and have a family together". And he replied by saying that those are still the deepest desires of his heart, but it is obvious that we are not meant to be together because we don't "mesh" well together. He said this is all so hard for him, because he is losing his best friend, and the love of his life, but he believes that what he is doing is right.

 

Well, about a week after he broke up with me, he was supposed to have surgery. Since he doesn't have any family here, I did call him and ask if he wanted me to be there to help him. I assumed that he would say no, but in fact he said "yes". So I went and was with him, and in fact he had to stay at my house that night because he needed to be supervised through the night. He sent very mixed signals, such as kissing me and holding my hand. He wasn't on any pain killers, so I can't say that it was because he was on medication. I truly don't think that he is trying to play games, I just believed that he is confused.

 

I want him back more than anything. Our relationship was going so well, and it seemed to me like he was preparing my heart for marriage. I had advice from one friend who said that he was probably just as ready to ask me to marry him, and was scared. thereforeeee, he was just looking for a reason for it not to work. And with his parent's getting a divorce, it just sealed the fate of our relationship in his mind. Since his surgery, I haven't spoken to him. He went back home this last weekend to be with his mom, and help her through this.

 

Any advice I would appreciate. Or any suggestions with how to deal with this? Does anyone else see a chance for our future??

[ConfusedBloke]

I dont know if this helps much, but ive just split with my girlfriend and part of the reason was caused (indirectly) by me preparing to pop the big question to her). Basically I had booked a long weekend to a place we once visited and planned to ask her there. As soon as I had done that looking back i can se i started to act distant from her etc and generally unloving, which was so far from the truth i was just scared. The sad thing is it turns out this led her into a new relationship, as her feelings for me lessened while i was acting weird. Basically my point is, he might just be scared, that's all, and may genuinely just need some time

[maninaredstealth]

i agree with confusedbloke. he probably just needs time and if he is really serious about poppin the question he will. other than that i know its tough but have patience. can you give me any advice on my topic?

 

" ex and i broke up and after 1 week she hooked up with some one"

 

any advice will help.

[phx]

ConfusedBloke,

 

I guess my question to you would be, how long did it take you to realize that you had made a mistake and that you did still want her back?? Did she use the no contact rule with you??

 

Thanks!!

[tiff8434]

I have a question to everyone. If he is just scared what if he dates others in a casual manner. Thats what has happened in my situation thatis very similar. We even picked out rings and now we have been broke up two months and he is dating others and there is no sign that we were ever together. Our relationship was full of love much like your situation and we never faught either. Any insight?

[JT]

I broke up with my girlfriend who could have been the love of my life.. but if I am not to experience other thigns.. then how would I know.. this she didnt understand, for she thought I was the love of her life. Now she hates me for what I have done... but hatred is still attachment. Getting over the attachment is most difficult. I feel in my heart if she is the one..then things will work out.. but one must be patient with this.. and that is what causes the most pain.

[phx]

I guess I somewhat understand that you don't know what's out there. And you think that you may be able to find something better. I guess it's like the "grass is always greener on the other side" theory. But I also believe that if you truly love someone, and you have a healthy relationship, and in your heart you believe that "she is the one"... why keep searching? Because if you do, it is possible that you may lose the one great love of your life, and then where does that leave you?

 

Maybe I'm being a little cynical right now But that is just my thought. I don't understand how my ex could tell me daily that I was the greatest gift of his life, that he desired to spend the rest of his life with me, that I was the greatest blessing God ever gave him, and yet we still don't mesh well together. What can you make of this.

[tiff8434]

It is scary to see how much your situation relates to mine. I think that you do know if he or she is the one and I also think that if they are not instead of forcing yourself to accept that they may not be it is better to let God change your heart if ti is meant to be. We cannot get rid of feelings that we have towards someone. Just one day at a time.

[ConfusedBloke]

phx, you asked how long it took me to realise, well the sad thing is i knew all along, but i was just figuring (naivley) that once i popped the question id feel better, so just went along with the feeling. I never thought that it would end so i felt secure, i needed that kick to wake me up

 

Unfortunately by that time she had found someone else, i really could kill myself sometimes

[phx]

Well, today it has been 2 weeks since he broke up with me, and 1 week since I last spoke with him. During the last week, he went out of town to visit his mom for 4 days, so I don't even know if I can count those as days that he is going to miss me. It gets really hard some times, and I wish that there would be some type of progress made, but I just have to be patient.

 

I know that there are still many of my things at his place, that I believe that he is still unaware of. Eventually he will have to do his laundry (I used to do it for him) and he will find some of my clothes.

 

I just wish I knew if he was missing me or not. Or if there is any REAL reason that he ended it all when things were going so good. Many of the people who know the both of us together say that it is a combination of two things.... 1) He's confused about all that is going on with his mom's marriage and how that relates to our relationship and 2) He is scared to make the commitment. I have heard that with both reasons, it would be enough to make him call it quits, just because they go hand in hand with making him doubt our relationship. Does any of this make sense.... please let me know what you think

[DaisyB]

Hi, phx. . .

 

I feel for your situation. It sounds like your ex's relationship to his family (especially his mom) is really coloring his thoughts about marriage right now. He was scared to begin with, and after the news about the divorce, he may be thinking (subconsciously) that marriage only results in pain.

 

I'm sure he sees your relationship as one that will result in marriage, so if he's terrified of marriage, he's probably terrified of your relationship -- hence his ending it with little explanation. (Saying you don't "mesh" probably means that he's found some small imperfections in your relationship, and has blown them out of proportion in his head. After all, his mom's and step-dad's marriage ended and it appeared perfect, so why wouldn't your "perfect" relationship end the same way?)

 

I think the best things for you to do right now are to give him his space (which you're doing) and be as patient and understanding with him as you can, if/when you do resume contact.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of love for each other (always a good thing). I think you're on the right track with NC for now. In a few weeks, maybe you can try a little more contact and see how that goes.

[DaisyB]

Re laundry -- It's been 4 months for me, and I still have my ex's clothes at my place! When we first broke up, I kept thinking I would give them back right away, but they've just stayed here. . . they're slowly moving to the back of the closet, though (not through any real effort on my part, I just naturally put my clothes closest to the front). They're about halfway to the back right now. Do you think when they reach the back I will win a prize?

 

Do you want your things/clothes back right now, or are you just wondering if they will make him miss you? If you don't need them back right away, I would leave them there for a while. . . they'll serve as little reminders of you.

 

I know it feels like it's been forever, but I think that he's probably still in shock right now (from the end of your relationship as well as from his mom's divorce) and it may take him several weeks, or even months, to truly miss you. Keep being strong and patient. I'll be thinking about you.

[phx]

The things that are at his place are not things that I need right now. I really don't even think that at this point he has even gotten to them in the laundry hamper. Knowing him, it will take him a few weeks to do this.

 

I too agree with you. He has a lot of stuff that is changing in his life. It is not only his moms divorce, but also the fact that eventually his mom decided that she will be moving from her home state to ours. And this will most likely mean that he will have to live with her for a while to help her take care of finances. I think that is another thing that scared him.

 

Knowing my ex, he has probably already expected me to call. Because in the past in our relationship thats how it was. There would be a problem, and I would come running to him and apologize and want to work things out. Well this time things were a little different. The day after he broke up with me, I went to his place and took the majority of my stuff. I had tons, so it was easy to forget stuff there. (However part of me wanted to leave some of the stuff as friendly reminders, just as you said.) The only time I've talked to him since, was to help him with his surgery. After that, there has been no communication.

 

I really don't think he has had an opportunity to truly miss me yet either. Even though its only been a week since we've talked, the first 4 of those days he went back home to help his mom start getting things settled. And as much as I wished that he thought about me a lot during that time, I realistically think that he hasn't. He had a lot on his plate just being back at home.

 

I think he will eventually miss me. Every day after work, he came to my house and had dinner with me, and walked the dog with me. Now, his routine has changed completely. He's not having dinner made for him, and he's not having the company of having somebody listen to his day at work. To be really honest I don't think that many of his friends would even listen to what was going on at his day at work....

 

Any more food for thought.....

[Sli]

Hi Phx

 

I read your post and just wanted to let you know I'm right there with you, It's tough when people we love pull away for no apparent logical reason. The confusion and heartache caused just downright sucks, makes you wish you could just climb inside their head and find out what the hell is going on but we can't sweetheart, only they can untangle the knots in there.

 

Sometimes we just have to let it go and realise that we have done all we can for now and I think you have. From your post you seem to have shown nothing but love and support for this guy, like an angel you have been there when he needed someone the most to help him through surgery and with all the little things that sometimes we take for granted, I'm sure he will realise this.

 

For now try and shift your focus away from his confused mind and onto yourself, tell yourself you've done all you can right now and give yourself a month just for you, where you think just about you, what you want, who you want to spend time with, what you want to watch on telly etc, go on be selfish for a while! it does work cuz I've done it. I'd place a hefty bet that he'll be back once he's sorted out his confused mind and by the time you get to the end of the month you may see things from a different perspective. You sound like a very caring loving person, relax, be patient, try and be positive because things have a funny way of sorting themselves out in the end.

 

Take care

Sli

[phx]

Just a little interesting piece of information for you all. I went out with a friend of mine last night. Her and her husband happen to live in the same apt. complex as my ex. In fact, they only live 2 buildings away. This was the first time that I have been back to the complex since he broke up with me. Anyways, as we were driving back, who did we end up passing. Of course, my ex!! As we were driving in, he was driving out. All I can say is that thank goodness that I had someone else in the car with me. I really didn't want it to look like I was checking up on him. My friend said that he completely noticed us, and kept looking back. I actually thought that the whole situation was kind of humurous.

 

I had prepared myself for something like that to happen. But I'm sure that the last thing on his mind as he was leaving was seeing me. Hopefully it made him stop and think a little bit.

 

It's been over a week since the las time we talked, and some moments I find it hard to stop thinking about him. But at other points in time, I can realize that the distance is good. I treated him so well, and loved him unconditionally. And I don't think it's fair that he can take all of that for granted. So at moments (very brief moments) I think that I may be better off without him. Especially if he can't even realize how well our relationship was, and how much I loved him. Sometimes I think he can't even remember how much he loved me, and how much he loved us.

[Scout]

Hang in there with the No Contact. He WILL call or email you - it may take a few weeks, it may happen tomorrow - but he will. And than when he does, I'd wait a few days before you call/email him back. Than keep it light, casual, no mention of the relationship, friendly, and I promise this tactic will get him reconsidering.

 

I did notice in your posts that you did an awful lot for this guy...dinner every night AND his laundry? I don't mean to overstep myself, but I think that a grown man should do his own dirty laundry. You were his partner, not his maid/mother. We women tend to think that if we are the perfect domestic goddess, our men will love us for it. Actually, they'll start to take us for granted. Every now and then, doing someone's laundry or cooking them dinner is nice for a special treat, but on a regular basis, it's my view that men take this as a sign that we're absolutely devoted to them, and thus, they can relax on having to romance us, and make the extra efforts that mean so much in a relationship. It's not that they're jerks about it, it's just a natural reaction that kicks in when the person you're with everyday dotes on you and treats you like royalty - you think, well, I must be perfect just the way I am! thereforeeee, if it ain't broke - don't fix it...no need to do anything extra...you get the idea.

 

I hope you're not thinking that he's going to miss having his laundry done and having dinner cooked for him so much that he comes back to you. You can be sure his mom is doing those things for him, especially while she's going through a divorce, she's naturally going to need to do a little extra nurturing for her son to keep her mind off her painful divorce. If I were you, once contact is initiated by him - and it WILL be if you don't contact him first - and you two have had a few friendly conversations, I'd suggest some low-key, fun activities, like hiking or tennis or frisbee in the park - something fun. Tell him you realize he's probably under a lot of stress because of his Mom's divorce and you sympathize with it, and thought whatever particular activity you suggest will be fun. Do NOT offer to make him dinner afterwards, either! And don't be surprised if instead he offers to take you to dinner afterwards!

[phx]

Scout - Thanks for your advice. I do want to clear things up though, I didn't make him dinner every single night. A good percentage of the time I did, however he often made good elaborate meals for me. As for the laundry thing... I'm pretty guilty of that.

 

I also like your ideas for how to go out in a non-threatning environment. Thanks!!

 

It's now been 10 days of no contact. I know that doesn't seem like long to many, but it seems like an eternity to me. It makes me wonder if he's still thinking of me, or still wondering if he made the wrong decision. I know that he has a lot on his plate right now, but it seems like forever since we have had any form of communication. I don't know if there is any reason to lose hope. Or if things like this really take that much time. After 2.5 years I would think that he would want to call me. But maybe because of all the time invested he has that much more to think about. Also, I truly believe that guys have a good way of pushing their feelings and problems and stress to the back of their mind, and finding a way to "ignore it".... if you will. I think they are much better than girls, and finding ways to not think about it. I just pray that one day he clears his mind, and truly thinks about it. No contact has become so difficult.

[tiff8434]

Good job on no contact. Keep up the good work and try to be strong. The lord has something wonderful for you and in time he will reveal it as long as you see after him.

[phx]

tiff8434 - Thank you so much for your great words!! That is where I truly need to keep my focus. It is so difficult though. It begins to consume your thoughts, and that's when I need to stop and re-focus my energy on something more productive.

 

I met with my pastor yesterday. She no longer lives near me, she lives about two hours away. But I had the opportunity to work with her in many facets, and I think of her as my biggest counselor, and confide everything to her. She told me yesterday that she was praying for us to get back together. She said that we were wonderful together as a couple, and she loved being around us. It was probably some of the most refreshing words that I've heard in a very long time. I just only wish my ex could have heard her say them. He looks up to her very much as well, and thinks very highly of her. I'm sure if he would have heard that, it would have made him think about it a bit. I can only pray, that he will eventually realize what everyone else sees. If not, then I will ret in knowing that God has prepared someone better for me.

[tiff8434]

pHX, That is a very positive and encouraging words that you received. I hope all works out for you. Trusting God is often very hard for myself I guess it is from where I have trusted people that I love and they have let me down. Prayer is the answer to it all. I pray God will give you your hearts desires.

[phx]

Okay, well the ex and I have tickets to a concert tonight. We were going with a huge group of people, and I have both of out tickets (both tickets that he paid for). Well, I broke the NC rule, and asked him what he wanted to do about these tickets. Main reason being because it's a Christian concert that we are going to, and it is the one that we went to last year where he pretty much re-dedicated his life to Christ. So I felt that it was important for me to put it out there for him. Anyways, when I spoke to him initially, he said he didn't know if he could go or not, and he said he didn't know what his plans were. I told him that was fine. I kept the conversation short, when he asked what I was up to I told him all these things that I had to do (sounded busy), and I was the one who let him go and ended the converstion. Anyways, I never brought up "us" and what happened, and I kept the conversation pretty shallow. Nothing of much substance. I really didn't think he was going to go, which was fine by me, I just thought that I had to put it out there. Anyways, he called last night and told me that he wanted to go, and asked what the plans were. So tonight, we are going to dinner with a small group of people, and then meeting up with the larger group a little bit later for the concert. I am really nervous, because I really expected him to say no. Does anyone have any advice. Suggestions on how to handle myself this evening, or any tricks that may work. I'm fairly sure that there is nothing else that I can do, but to be myself, be happy and content with where my life is. And hopefully that will be enough to make him start thinking. But if anyone has any other helpful hints.. that would be awesome!!