WHY GET BACK WITH THE EX?

[ziggystar]

i've been on this forum for the last month. and have read a lot of people and their situations with regard to getting back their ex. but it seems to me most people don't really explain why they want to get back together with their ex, which i think is most important question of them all.

 

my reason for wanting to get back with my ex is:

 

i want a life long commitment with her. she knows it, i know it. i think we have lots of potential that lends itself to having a life full of experience and growth. and the only thing seemingly holding us back is the enormity of the commitment, the insecurity of being hurt and bad communication skills. we had a short but intense relationship (which isn't officially over, more of a break then a breakup).

 

outside of the reasons of commitment and/or marriage, i personally don't see a reason to get back with an ex. but that's just me. so i'm putting the question out there, what's your reason?

[GeeCee]

Quite simply, my ex intoxicates me like no other. I am a better person with him. And I wanted to grow and experience what a life with him had to offer.

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

I've never felt more comfortable with someone like I do with my ex...

She's one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and I would do anything to spend the rest of my life making her happy...

Unfortunately she's not ready for that...but maybe one day she will be and maybe i'll be lucky enough to be the one thats there when she does....

Simply put...I am amazed by her and everything she does, seeing her smile and making her laugh make me happier than I ever thought possible.

maybe thats why it's so hard to let go....

[tiger_lilies]

Ziggystar, that is a very good question! I've pondered this question in my own head for the last 6 weeks now and I'm not totally sure I have the answer. The first reason the jumps to my mind is not that my ex is this wonderful boyfriend, in fact, I can definitely list the reasons not to get back together with him, but that it's about familiarity.

 

I am so used to him being around. We lived together for over 2 years and were together for about 3 years. He is all of a sudden gone from my eveyday life and I feel like something is missing. He was also my best friend of whom I thought I could talk to about anything. Apparently I was very wrong. I was under the impression that he felt the same as me but like I said, I was wrong.

 

I guess I'm starting to see the "light". Now that I've had some time to think about him, I can't come up with any real reason why I want him back. I know that I still love him and probably always will.

 

I also know that it feels like I've been searching for that perfect man all my life and that I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe that's why?

[Hopingpraying]

For me it is simply my Wife is a great woman. Yes she has issues she needs to address, but so do I. And when you get right down too it nobody is perfect. I am sure any other woman I meet will have issues as well.

Then when you throw my daughter into the mix it becomes clear to me who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

My wife is everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Beautiful, intelligent, driven, and an excellent mother. I doubt I ever meet anyone that will rise up to her level ever again. I say that knowing I may never get her back, and don't hold out much hope that she will come back, but I am working on the issues she had with me, and think I am making the strides to be the better man, husband, and father I should of been all along. And I know one thing for certain. Even if my wife doesn't take me back, the next woman I get seriously involved with is going to have one hell of a man on their hands. Thats not cockyness talking either. I have learned great things from books, and mostly these forums. I will definitely handle my next relationship with much more knowledge and responsibility.

I will step off my soapbox now.

[ziggystar]

it's funny. "i've been around the block a few times." i've had better comfort level with another ex. i've had better communication levels with yet another ex. i've even been happier (until they were gone) with other exes. my point being none of the exes had the potential of growth that i feel with this one. i think i'm growing up!!!

[bzborow1]

People are also forgetting some of the more jealous and selfish reasons to want to get back. Like taking your ex back to prove to yourself she was wrong in the first place, or just to know you "could" get her back in the first place. Or to get her back to dump her like she did you...I would also think one of the more common ones would be because you are lonely and take the "easiest" option available to you.

 

DISCLAIMER:

i did not say i agree or support these reasons, just that they exist.

[ziggystar]

H&P:

 

i'm hoping and praying for you. It's a beautiful thing to just even come to that conclusion.

[woobiegirl]

That's a great question Ziggystar....something everyone should give serious thought too. I'm not in that position anymore, but have certainly been there. Mine was for several reasons, some were the right ones, but others weren't. Because mine was a long-term dating relationship, it was a big change (more like shock ) to be single again. I love the passion, the closeness, the sharing of life, the little things you do for each other to show your love, and knowing that at the end of the day, no matter what happened, you have loving arms to comfort you by someone who takes the time to make you feel like the most special person in the world. When we give ourselves exclusively to someone, we give them the most special gift of all...our hearts, our soul. Maybe that's why the stronger we love, the more we feel the pain when when it gets "out of wack" and usually "out of our control".

 

Woobiegirl..

 

May you all find that special happiness...

 

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you. "Mature love says "I need you because I love you." - - Erich Fromm

[shockeddismayed]

It's a super thread Ziggystar.

 

I am with a lot of what has been said.

 

When i met my EX, I was with a beautiful girl who was smart, friendly and cared about me. But there was just no challenge. She didn't ask me to be a better person. She didn't challenge me intellectually (even though she was smarter). None of those wonderful things that you want to "grow old with" were there.... they *should have been*, but they weren't.

 

I met my EX and just KNEW what I was missing out on. I also knew right away that she had issues that she'd have to deal with... and I did too... we worked on them together for a while, and then I thought we were done/fixed. I guess that is what led to where I am now. We got lazy and I was too distracted with being down that I didn't see it.

 

Today I want back with her for the same reasons as before. I KNOW that we are soulmates... I've never felt so much faith in anything. I know that we had problems... I know there will still be some... but I've never been with anyone who has such potential to help challenge me to be a better person... and I know that my challenge to her is the same.

 

I'm trying to view this break/breakup as the culmination of that challenge to each other. A last ditch effort that we get our crap together and start being true to our hearts. I'm seeing now that this breakup was REQUIRED to shake us up and remind us that personal growth is never finished. I had the opportunity to say that to her, and she agreed.

 

Now it is a matter of hoping that we can take that leap of faith together again... that her fears will not prevent it. I still have faith that our hearts know the way.

[ziggystar]

shocked&dismayed,

 

I'm seeing now that this breakup was REQUIRED to shake us up and remind us that personal growth is never finished.

 

i'm in agreement for my situation also. it is required in my situation also. as much my ex had certain commitment issues, so do i. i now know what commitment is more about. i could have easily walked away afterwards, but where is my commitment if i walked away without giving it a chance to change as needed and with patience. and to tough out this growing pain.

[Hopingpraying]

SD,

 

I hope things work out for you, but you cannot put your life on hold hoping she will come to that same conclusion. I read something somewhere that said: It is crazy to think there is one person put here on this earth for us. If that were true we would all be single.

 

Now I do know things happen for a reason, and I am hoping that the reason my wife and I broke up was so that I would see my wrongs and write them. I am trying to do that, it is up to her to do the rest. As for your situation, I am sure those things happened for a reason. The reasons might not be clear to us right now, but we have to believe it is all part of (hope I don't offend anybody) God's plan.

 

Ziggy: Thanks for the kind words. I do mean everything I said. I wish I could somehow get my wife to read that.

[ziggystar]

H&P

 

food for thought:

 

if we were to constantly believe there was somebody better then the person we're with or somebody better on the horizon, we'd all be single too. which seems more the case, as the divorce rate goes up and our problem management abilities goes down.

[shockeddismayed]

H&P: I know what you are saying. And I am not saying I will wait around forever. I know that this happened for a reason... and agree I may not yet know what that reason is.

 

However, I am endulging in some positive energy today. In my situation, my EXGF and I have re-opened relationship talk and have both agreed on a lot of key issues. There isn't another new boyfriend we need to worry about (at least not at this point)... and she has said she is going to keep contacting me while she tries to work through things.

 

So at some level I need to be confident... to have some faith.

 

To say I don't have that faith would be to say that I don't have faith in love... that I don't have faith in us.

 

I agree there may be more than one person we were "meant" to be with... but what are the odds of finding it twice... and if I find it, it won't be because I gave up on this and started looking. I'll find it whether I look or not.

 

And don't worry... I'm sure people are going to endulge a little spirituality around here... given we are all trying to make sense of difficult times.

 

Ziggystar:

 

Good point about the divorce rate...

 

I also liked your comments about learning about committment. My EXGF and I had a similar conversation last week... she worried about our arguments. How this might make them worse if we carry over resentment and how we could be sure that we wouldn't make the same mistakes again... etc. My response? I said "we're still here aren't we? We're communicating through the storm, and neither of us have given up... we must be learning something"

 

Now whether that learning is something I'll get to build upon with the EXGF is still a matter for debate... but I can be proud of getting there anyway (and I told her this too).

[DaisyB]

It's a gut feeling with me. . . just a feeling that my ex is the one I'm supposed to be with. Of course he's attractive, funny, kind, honest, generous. . . we have mutual interests and values, all of that. And he makes me feel like I'm the sexiest, most intelligent, strongest woman on earth. He's even been good to me during the break-up (which presents problems in itself -- sending mixed messages).

 

But I haven't given up hope that we'll get back together because there's something in me that truly believes that we'll get through this. I can already tell improvement in myself and in our interaction together -- we're becoming more careful listeners, and much better communicators. We're becoming better at expressing our feelings and at understanding how the other is feeling. We're nowhere near perfect, but I can sense the improvement. (I'm going with positive energy too, S&D!)

 

If we get back together, we will get married. There's truly nowhere else to go from here. I know that if we get back together, we will both approach it with wholehearted commitments, and marriage will be the natural outcome (we both agree on that). But I'm no longer looking at marriage as the final prize -- but as a continual work-in-progress. Personal growth and relationship growth are never finished.

[Scout]

To the poster who wrote that he broke up with someone because she didn't challenge him enough to be a better person, smarter, etc...wow. That's actually really cool, and pretty evolved, I think. I honestly thought that was one of the things my ex liked about me, he always said I was smart and had lots of creative ideas. But when we broke up, he just said "I don't think I'm what you want." He just gave up and didn't even bother to try and improve his life like he said he wanted to when we met. He even said at first that he thought the fact we met was a sign that his life was about to change for the better. Hmmph! So much for the sincerity of that remark...

 

But, I did love his warmth and low-key but dead-on humor about things, and his incredible easiness to be around. It's difficult for me to feel comfortable around or even like most people, to tell you the truth, although one would never guess that if they knew me. But it was so comfortable being with him and I also was very attracted to him on a physical level. I guess those are the reasons why I wanted us to get back together. I'm sure there's GOT to be someone else out there that will fit that bill, too. But this time, I got a little more criteria they're going to have to fulfill!

[ziggystar]

daisyb,

 

But I'm no longer looking at marriage as the final prize -- but as a continual work-in-progress. Personal growth and relationship growth are never finished.

 

i hear you and agree wholeheartedly. and with everything else you said. i've been following your story and i just think it's a matter of time. it's like a new pair of shoes, you bf just needs to break them in a little and you need time to break in your shoes. best of luck.

[SincerlyHurt]

Why get back with my ex? I can't even fathom a reason to get back with my ex anymore. I realize now that I was stuck in a security blanket with regards to our relationship. I knew where life was leading me, when we were to have kids, buy our house, etc., and now I live day to day with possibilities cropping up on the horizon every minute.

 

I pity my ex to the point where she makes me ill. I have had the opportunity to step away from her and just knowingly gaze at what we had and I must say, it fell short of what I know I could have now. There is no doubt we loved each other very deeply but at this point I feel I desire her more than need her. I don't need her.

 

Life is grand now and she is the one that is not so happy with the breakup. I have become a better person without her. She tore me down when we broke up with all her talk about me not being able to provide the "little things" that mattered in a relationship. She gave me no chance for a rebuttal, she just walked out and into another relationship. And what is funny about that is that I already have girls telling me how stupid she was to leave me. Well as it turns out that was the best thing for me. I don't miss her.

 

Life now is not lived around her and getting her back. If she ever came back I would be tickled but probably could not accept her. The prospect of starting over brand new and building a mature relationship from the ground up is more appealling to me than reconciling with the ex.

 

There is more than one person out there for everyone, six, four, or even two weeks ago I would not have believed that but it is true. I will find someone that can fulfill me like she never could have.

 

I guess I am kinda the odd man out here and may need to back away from this forum. Sorry to rain on the parade here.

[Hopingpraying]

H&P

 

food for thought:

 

if we were to constantly believe there was somebody better then the person we're with or somebody better on the horizon, we'd all be single too. which seems more the case, as the divorce rate goes up and our problem management abilities goes down.

 

Oh I definitely agree with you here Ziggy. I know in my opinion my wife gave up on our relationship way to easy. I counter that by saying I am the only relationship she has ever been in, so to her she is probably thinking if it was meant to be it wouldn't be so much work. She will learn in time that every relationship has its problems, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I am going to wait for her as long as I can, but I am not putting my life on hold. If I am still single when she reaches that conclusion then I will be ready to try it again I am sure.

 

Shock&dismayed,

 

I am sorry I didn't mean to say you shouldn't have hope, or faith in love, I definitely agree with you there, I guess I missed the part that the two of you had opened communication back up. That is good news. I just don't want you to get stuck waiting for her to come back in case that day never comes. Its hard enough to go through this rollercoaster ride once, let alone twice with the same person.. I do wish the two of you the best of luck!!

[strong1]

I love him when he's great to me..and I love him when he's a grouchy, stress monkey from his work schedule. If you love somebody through good times and bad..well, that's a pretty decent sign.

 

He's the smartest, toughest, hardest working, kindest man I've ever met..so far anyway.

 

And I also love MYSELF enough to know that I will be FINE..whatever happens. Because I'm pretty damn fabulous too.

[Lobster]

Why do I want to get back with my ex? I've never loved another person as much in my life, the way I love him. He's funny, intelligent, strong, talented, witty... I miss his laugh, the feel of his arms around me, the silly voices we used to use when we talked to each other, the warmth of him next to me in our bed... just being with him and sharing our lives.

 

After all the good times (and a few bad too) we had together over the last 9 years, I just can't get him out of my heart. He's my soul mate, my best friend, my greatest love.

[shockeddismayed]

To the poster who wrote that he broke up with someone because she didn't challenge him enough to be a better person, smarter, etc...wow. That's actually really cool, and pretty evolved, I think.

 

Thanks Scout,

 

The funny part is that these things can strangely bite you in the butt. We both felt that the other was so critical and challenging us... in making each other grow.... but now her worry is that the challenge we posed each other has become exhausting...

 

I know she means our heated debates... but the comment still baffled me. I never thought she'd be the type who would want an "easy" relationship.

 

We shall see I suppose.

[shockeddismayed]

 

 

H&P...

 

No need to apologize at all. I know your comment was born out of concern... that's why I clarified. I appreciate your comments and I am going to be treading carefully if this contact continues.

 

I also really feel for your situation. My EXGF has also fallen into the trap of thinking that "if it was meant to be, it would be easy". I'm hoping that she is already coming out of that... but who knows.

 

As I recall, your situation is even more complex... marriage and children, right? I applaud how you are dealing with this... it takes a strong person to be able to keep a door open.

[ziggystar]

sincerelyhurt,

 

that's okay, no rain on anybody's parade. it's great that you came to that conclusion. that was my point of starting this thread, so that people can give their reasons and see if it holds water.

 

i for one am absolutely positive that my ex isn't the only one for me and that there might even be somebody better out there. not necessarily a whole lot better, but better. but i have a foundation built with this one and it isn't completely dead in the water. i would rather spend my energy (for now) in working this out and beyond then to look for someone slightly better. i'm taking a stand, which i've never done before.

[kate111]

I also agree with Ziggystar's comment that people seem to eager to give up on their present relationship, or are constantly looking for someone better.

 

they are searching for THE ONE!

 

I personally don't believe in this idea at all. I think there are many potential soulmates. I think thinking that there is some perfect person out there who you will get on with like a dream and never have problems with is living in a world of make believe.

 

Belief in -the one- probably breaks up quite a few relationships, id say.

 

Nothing is all fun, there has to be work done in order to reap the rewards.

 

I guess some people are just constantly searching until they get old enough to stop believing in "the one". Either that or they just get sick of changing partners.