Trying to understand them moving so fast with the new

[Rabbitrabbits]

I posted another topic on the Getting Back Together section as that's where I found the solace of no contact (which is really helping me heal btw). But I've thinking how this section would be more suited as I just want to do what's best for me and see what happens. Of course it still hurts and I still have questions. So I'm posting just one question this time. It's not a multi-page labyrinth like the last one so don't worry (of course if you'd like to read the longer story and comment it'd be much appreciated)

 

My main question, for today at least, has been on my mind for the past few days. Logically I know I should just let it go and in the most part I have. But as I said the past few days I've relapsed a bit and have been reading a lot here and thinking a lot as well.

 

First a few paragraph explanation of my relationship:

A long story short is I was in a long distance relationship for 14 months with someone who was quite a bit older than me. I seem to be quite different from most my age (21) so most of the people I converse with are older too. It's not surprising therefore that my relationship would be the same. However the person I was in the LDR with told me about someone else around 6 weeks ago. This person is the same distance away from them(15,000km's), but a closer age (7 years older than her) I know long distance relationships have their problems but we talked on average of 1 and a half hours each day on skype along with lot's of emailing and text messaging. We shared and did lot's of things together so knowledge of this other person came out of the blue.

 

He emailed her about her blog around two months before and was quite complimentary. I don't know when the feelings started to develop. She told me when her time with him started to interfere with her time with me. She had only just this year opened up a new shop which was taking quite a lot of her time and putting her under stress. I was there for her and comforted during all this, but with the limited time she had, she still seemed to want to spend a majority with me. Even after she told me about her the new person she'd talk and do things like old times (with no certain activity of course)

 

When we first met she was still sad about her last break-up. It was a long distance relationship too and they were planning to live together after 5 years when her kid's had grown up. Anyway she flew over for a visit and he broke up with her. Two months after that break-up I started talking with her and she was still sad. But she mostly was getting over it and we started developing feelings for each other after a while. She told me about her hurt and how she put up layers around her heart so it wouldn't happen again. But after around 3-4 months of talking everyday she started to say I love you and become closer to me in the 11 months after that.

 

Maybe it's because of this that I can't understand why and how she's moving so fast with the new person. Just a week after she told me about them, she was telling me how she wants to spend the rest of her life with him and they were making plans for just that. I don't understand how one can go from wanting to protect yourself to progressing so quickly without slowing.

 

I always felt she was very mature and she seemed to be the sort of person who if there was a problem in a relationship say so and have it fixed. Were my old feelings of her maturity correct and has she found someone perfect for her in every way with no obvious flaws who she indeed will want to spend the rest of her days with. Or is this some sort of quasi rebound or something similar. I know it's not technically a rebound, but whenever I read about that in the posts I've read the biggest indicator seems to be taking it fast.

 

I'm keeping strong with no contact, even through they say they miss me, as I need to heal myself. I've made great strides so far, but as evidenced by this post I still fall back sometimes.

 

Again I know I can't get a 100% answer (unless you count time) but I'd appreciate those with further experience than me to help me understand. I just wonder a lot and ever since I've read here that relationship's that go so fast and so soon after a old one might not be as perfect forever forever as she thinks it will be.

 

Thank you everyone for any help, advise, solace or just general wisdom you can offer. I'm gleaning much from the posts here and posting highlights in a document to read when I'm down. But words posted specifically to you can sometimes be more potent and that's what I feel like now.

 

P.S. Apologies for apologising thrice. It just plays on my mind and I'm not sure why. It'll probably be gone in the next few days so thanks for answering my questions in the mean time

[offplanet]

Rabbit you seem to be holding onto the hope that her new relationship will fail and that she'll come back to you. Well, that could easily happen, but if she wants to take up where you left off, remember that she's likely to go off with someone else again at some stage. Are you willing to get re-involved with her only to get let down again? Think seriously about that, because you seem like you're quite willing and wanting to resume with her. Doing that would give her the message that she can keep you, and go off with another guy at any time, and you'll accept that.

 

You seem to have a lot more invested in the relationship than she does. Girls have it easier, because they get more offers online than guys do. I don't like to see you being in the position that she can come and go from you as she wishes, and get away with it because you don't want to lose her.

 

Do you ever chat with other females online? Or do you remain 'faithful' to her? Why don't you try getting to know someone else, rather than invest all your emotions in her? You sound like a very nice person.

[Rabbitrabbits]

Rabbit you seem to be holding onto the hope that her new relationship will fail and that she'll come back to you.

I suppose in my subconscious I hope that. I blame this site for giving me hope Just kidding it's given me way more positive than negative. I'm improving myself for me and if I never get them back I'll be sad but get on with things. (some days I feel not as confident like the past few days but mostly I'm strong)

 

Well, that could easily happen, but if she wants to take up where you left off, remember that she's likely to go off with someone else again at some stage.

If she were to ever come back I'm starting to have the willpower to not just blindly breakdown my defences like nothing happened. Something did. Yet to my detriment I believe it was because she was afraid of getting her heart hurt and didn't commit to me like I did to her. Of course how can I reconcile that with her actions with the new person. Yet in my heart of hearts I still believe if she were to come back and start afresh with some plans to make it work, then it could work. Of course a) she probably won't and b) probably wouldn't agree. c) Insert your own reason here

 

Are you willing to get re-involved with her only to get let down again? Think seriously about that, because you seem like you're quite willing and wanting to resume with her. Doing that would give her the message that she can keep you, and go off with another guy at any time, and you'll accept that.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice........... errr. Well possibly shame on me, but I hope by committing to no contact I can show that I'm not that much of a pushover (as a side benefit as having power regained by NC is helping me improve things in my life and try and forge during most days)

 

You seem to have a lot more invested in the relationship than she does. Girls have it easier, because they get more offers online than guys do.

 

I don't like to see you being in the position that she can come and go from you as she wishes, and get away with it because you don't want to lose her.

I always tend to see the best in people, but I don't think I would let the same thing happen over and over. I can't allow myself to be hurt at the expense of others.

 

Do you ever chat with other females online? Or do you remain 'faithful' to her? Why don't you try getting to know someone else, rather than invest all your emotions in her? You sound like a very nice person.

I talk to other females but none romantically. Mainly people who've found my blog and talk about practically things. I.e. my photography, life, the universe and everything. If someone would have wanted to do anything crossing in the boundaries of romantic then I would have said no, to be faithful yes. As that's the way I am. Now I'm no longer with them I don't know. I think I still have to heal and learn from this and it wouldn't be fair to another to get their hopes up. That's if there's another opportunity in the near future anyway as I'm still shy.

 

I don't think they're the person who'd just use me as a fallback. But maybe they are. In my present state of mind, if they were to return and willing to make a plan to address the issues that made her not commit last time then yes I'd accept them. Probably won't happen anyway so you don't need to worry I'm getting stronger every day so I don't know how long I'll feel that way for.

 

Thank you again for your words. I think I need someone saying them again and again so my subconscious will finally hear the message.

 

P.S. My subconscious is really great at tricking me. I actually believe I only want to know why they would commit to someone so quickly when she expressed so much hesitation before. I know I won't get a logical answer that satisfies me, but still I want one. crazy yes

[Rabbitrabbits]

Girls have it easier, because they get more offers online than guys do

I have no idea why but when I asked her how after saying she loved me, she could just give her heart so quickly to the first person who came along. She corrected me and said "only" instead of first. I'm still not sure why. I should really stop thinking about silly things.

 

P.S. Since you're so kind replying I was naughty and read some of your posts you've made to see more about you (I get curious) I'm sorry to hear about your poor dog. I did some work experience in a vet clinic the other day for the first time. It was only meant to be for some grooming but I ended up watching a dog being put to sleep. It was very sad to watch, even through it wasn't my dog and it affected me for the rest of the day. I hope your new dog is going well and best of luck.

[catfeeder]

The problem with an LDR is that it's based on the ideas and fantasies you build 'about' someone rather than a direct experience 'of' the real person.

 

Regardless of any hopes and dreams you both exchanged, your mind was more strongly invested in creating ideas about her than her mind ventured to invest in you.

 

That's not a reflection on you. She didn't even know you. That doesn't mean she knows the new guy any better, it just means she's able to create a better fantasy 'about' him.

 

I'd pull back from this and focus your mind on ways to meet people in the flesh. Living in your own head can feed your emotions, but meeting people and engaging in actions and shared experiences is the only real way to get to know someone.

 

In your corner.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

God i dont wanna sound harsh or bitter ...but my real lifr girlfriend started dating a new guy 2 weeks after leaving me and i had to suffer through seeing them making out....like i said i dont wanna be mean....but have you ever even seen this girl? if so maybe once or twice? You cant base love on that...go out there and find a girl that you can actually see....her new rebound is 15000 km away what are you worrying about...people like me have the constant thought of our exes sleeping with another person while were all alone in bed....nothing even compares to this....forget about her find a real relationship

[Rabbitrabbits]

I just don't understand why someone would say how people sometimes say something in the heat of the moment they don't fully mean. Like I love you. A few months say without the heat of the moment. Seem like your sensible about it and know the flaws of a LDR. But then throw it all away and declare how you want to spend your life forever with someone who you've only recently met. It's just illogical in my world.

 

Now I've got that in my system thanks both for your replies. I'm sorry to about your girlfriend. That would have been really hard for you and I can't understand that either. I know there's parts of each other you wouldn't get to know in a LDR. But I thought I knew her pretty well. Likes, dislikes, ways of doing things, how they fold washing (yes I focus on weird things Anyway that's all in the past so hopefully the different parts of me will stop harping on questions with no answers.

 

I'm not too good with strangers in real life. I'm working on it but I still haven't got the whole social situation down pat. I'm quite good if I know and like being with the people I'm around. This presents challengers but hopefully being around more and more people I'll find someone eventually without having to go through the whole dating conundrum.

[doiiiieeezie]

I just don't understand why someone would say how people sometimes say something in the heat of the moment they don't fully mean. Like I love you. A few months say without the heat of the moment. Seem like your sensible about it and know the flaws of a LDR. But then throw it all away and declare how you want to spend your life forever with someone who you've only recently met. It's just illogical in my world.

 

 

She will do the same to that person as she did to you... does it make you feel better? No, but people like that will go from one e-relationship to another.. and you were just a victim in her path of destruction. Isn't it good that you saw it for what it was now and not down the road?

 

I'm not against meeting someone online, and for many people, it does work. But she is living in a fantasy world, you need to face that reality. Sucks, but it is what it is.

[catfeeder]

She will do the same to that person as she did to you... does it make you feel better? No, but people like that will go from one e-relationship to another.. and you were just a victim in her path of destruction. Isn't it good that you saw it for what it was now and not down the road?

 

I'm not against meeting someone online, and for many people, it does work. But she is living in a fantasy world, you need to face that reality. Sucks, but it is what it is.

 

Yep. There's a huge difference between meeting someone after introducing yourselves online versus building a love fantasy about someone you've never met.

 

Even when long distance strangers meet once or twice, it's in a vacation-like cocoon cleared from distractions of the real world. So this can enhance the fantasy without exactly introducing much reality to the deal.

 

Knowing someone well enough to love them usually includes spending time in their natural habitat, and yours, learning about them through observation instead of descriptions, and somewhere along the line even seeing them with a headcold or sharing a stressful holiday or two or getting annoyed by their grocery store habits or developing a bond with their dog or cat--its all part of getting to know the person, as opposed to idealizing their 'story' in the way people get hooked on soap operas or build crushes on celebrities.

 

You can't expect someone to commit to any of the crap they feed you through an electronic device. That's not love, its a reality show.

 

My best,

Cat

[Rabbitrabbits]

I suppose it's for the best. Even through this behaviour seems uncharacteristic, it is still from her so I must accept that.

 

I've observed them with a head cold and their interactions with their cat's and children. I suppose it's not the same as been there in person, but still their interactions didn't have any indications of badness. Not that leaving someone for someone else and committing very quickly despite previous comments and reservations is necessarily bad. Just quite strange and hard to understand for me. I've obviously never had a stressful holiday, or seen them with weird grocery shopping idiosyncrasies. I suppose that in a way idealises my picture of them but I don't think it's as bad as you describe. But I have seen them stressed and frustrated and heard descriptions of annoyances at stores (I know I know it's not the same. I might be a fluke but I don't lie and just tell the truth over the internet. Of course I've been burned in the process so I really should take a long hard think.

 

My question esentially wasn't about whether she would do to the new person what she did to me. It was more me originally thinking that this new person must be a lot more suited to her in everyway based on the way she talks, feels and commited so quickly despite reservations all the time before. But after reading here that to me doesn't seem a healthy stable basis for a relationship, long distance or not. It just doesn't seem like her and my mind is trying to get a logical answer where in all probility there is none.

 

Thanks again for baring with me everyone.

[offplanet]

Rabbit thanks for your kind thoughts re my dog being put to sleep. I decided to get another one as soon as possible, so I've got another one now, from a shelter, so thanks.

 

Another thought about your preoccupation with how she could commit to another guy so fast, whereas she had previously expressed reservations about commitment with you. The thing is, people often don't find it within themselves to be 100% honest about their real reasons for not being able to commit. There must be something about the new relationship, possibly the lack of an age gap, that makes it workable for her, which was not there with you. Just because a person doesn't verbalize what their real reason for rejecting one and choosing another, doesn't mean they don't have logical reason for doing so. People don't like hurting others, or revealing their true motives, hence they come up with various 'excuses' as to why they won't commit. Not everybody is as honest as you. They will tell a 'white lie' to avoid hurting others.

 

You haven't been willing to open up to the possibility of a romance with someone else, due to wanting to be faithful to her, but now that the situation has changed, I hope you'll think about thinking about doing so! You're still hanging on to the hope of something that I'm afraid will be detrimental to you, ie. a shaky reconciliation with her

 

Being avoidant of people in real life, myself, I can't agree with those who say to go out in the real world and find someone. I know a lot of people think its unhealthy to settle for online relationships, I feel theres a place for them for people who who otherwise find themselves alone in the world due to introversion or social difficulties for whatever reason.

[catfeeder]

[...] It just doesn't seem like her and my mind is trying to get a logical answer where in all probility there is none.

 

Thanks again for baring with me everyone.

 

The answer is that it doesn't seem like the image you had of the person on the other side of the camera--that's not the same things as knowing what's really characteristic of the actual person, or not.

 

Relating to someone through a camera lens shows you only what they want you to see--and you make up the rest in your head. It happens so transparently that you believe your own illusions.

 

This isn't a unique situation, it's all over the Internet. That doesn't mean your pain isn't real, it only means that you're suffering the dis-illusion-ment common to e-relationships--and the thing you're trying to grasp is the inconsistency between the real girl and her actual behavior versus the fantasy she helped you to create about her in your own head.

 

None of this is to trivialize your grief, only to point you toward seeing that its a construct you're grieving.

 

In your corner.

[Rabbitrabbits]

Rabbit thanks for your kind thoughts re my dog being put to sleep. I decided to get another one as soon as possible, so I've got another one now, from a shelter, so thanks.

You haven't been willing to open up to the possibility of a romance with someone else, due to wanting to be faithful to her, but now that the situation has changed, I hope you'll think about thinking about doing so!

 

It sort of just happened last time (the time I talked about in my first post which was also my first time). So if by some weird coincidence it does again then I'd be receptive. But I'm not sure how it would and don't even no where to start to make it happen on my own. I still have problems I'm working out. Nothing bad, but it leaves me with not much confidence. I just can't really see myself going on a dating website. (possibly in the future maybe) I know I'll never win anything without sticking my neck out and trying, but I don't know. Any thoughts or encouragements and advice would be good

[Rabbitrabbits]

Another thought about your preoccupation with how she could commit to another guy so fast, whereas she had previously expressed reservations about commitment with you. The thing is, people often don't find it within themselves to be 100% honest about their real reasons for not being able to commit.

 

 

 

I feel theres a place for them for people who who otherwise find themselves alone in the world due to introversion or social difficulties for whatever reason.

 

Yep. There's a huge difference between meeting someone after introducing yourselves online versus building a love fantasy about someone you've never met.

 

I'm getting different opinions in this thread. If both parties are honest can a online relationship work? What if it's planning to get together in the future? Will that help or break it (or is it all depending on the individual situation) I would have felt an online relationship could show all the positive traits and all the weaknesses to each other. I know you can hide things, but if you're chatting everyday everywhere there's a lot you can pick up between the lines. Maybe I'm just over optimistic.

 

You're still hanging on to the hope of something that I'm afraid will be detrimental to you, ie. a shaky reconciliation with her

Well if a age gap, despite similarities in personalities and goals is a problem to her then there's not much I can do about it.

 

There must be something about the new relationship, possibly the lack of an age gap, that makes it workable for her, which was not there with you.

I can understand finding that would make her more likely to think it's possible. I just don't understand knowing that you want to be with them the rest of your life so soon after. I suppose they could be correct and they are a perfect match. I don't know why I care as it's none of my business anymore

[Rabbitrabbits]

dis-illusion-ment common to e-relationships--and the thing you're trying to grasp is the inconsistency between the real girl and her actual behavior versus the fantasy she helped you to create about her in your own head.

Reading page upon page in the breakup forums seems to indicate that having the 'dumper' behave uncharacteristically isn't all that uncommon for those closer in proximity and even when living together.

 

I'm not trying to defend her actions, but she was really hurt with her last relationship. She travelled around 10,000 miles only to have a miserable time due to being broken up with once she got there. Maybe she was just been kind to me, but I can see a reason to been hesitant to committing easily like before. I cannot deny her actions now, but basically I want to neither demonize her nor idolise. I just want to understand. Maybe I'm in denial still. Sigh

 

I talked to her on skype for over 600 hours (more than the flight hours it takes to get your pilot license, dang why didn't I do that instead On her mobile in her car. I saw her work at her shop. Doing homework with kids. Watching movies. Yes in part I saw only bit's but I did see quite a wide range of things and I do think I didn't have that much of a filled in the blanks idolised picture. I may be reading you wrong. I saw her smiling, I saw her stressed. I saw her crying, angry and every emotion I can think of. I even watched her folding washing. (only me......... only me

 

 

I have never had a relationship before, but while I am sure I'll someday have one again, I honestly believe online relationships aren't all that empty. Or maybe I just don't want to believe it all meant nothing. Either way my heart believes what it wants to believe to the detrement of all. (silly thing

 

I have observed her a lot and I think she honestly thinks she's met her soul-mate.

Reading back through what she's told me she honestly somehow seems to believe this is her only shot at ever having someone and they are either perfect enough, or she's convinced herself so. This is a obvious flaw, and one that would need addressing if she were to ever come back. Maybe because of the age differences she never fully believed I was an option and when one appeared she launched into them with heart and soul. Not a healthy option but one she has chosen. I'm not saying that she will ever return, nor will I put much hope nor effort into it. I'm just saying that if it does as there's still a small part of me that wishes it so.

 

If something were to ever happen and if she were to decide she wanted to be with me then all these things would need to be seriously appropriated and decided upon before I could allow my emotions to recommense and if things weren't going well with solving the problems, then despite my hearts protests I'd have to call it off.

 

In all probability it won't but we shared a lot. And even if we never met in person we still shared a lot of time together and my heart still feels emotion. I think(thought) it's love (at 16 months it might still be infatuation?) but either way it's the closest it's ever come. I know I should move on and I'm trying to do so. But once my heart decides to feel emotions for one it doesn't relinquish them easily.

 

No contact is helping me gain normalcy somewhat. I decided to send her a email explaining everything as I sort of explained a bit. Dropped off for a few days, came back then left again for around a week before I felt guility and sent the one email just explaining everything and the reasons. I'm up to six days again and since I sent the email I won't feel too rude not replying to any contact. Hopefully the veterinary clinic will have clients tomorrow for me to help with, as I'm in a tiny town where there's not much chance of similar people or things good to distract the mind. Moving somewhere larger to help me grow and develop is of course on the agenda, but there's still parts of me I am working on. Here's to that. (awww, there's no cake icon. I WANT CAKE)

 

Thanks again for providing a place to type my feelings. About the parts I've repeated over and over again. Sorry about that. I just need people to bash me over the head with the facts over and over again as they never seem to leave for too long.

[offplanet]

It dort see myself going on a dating website. (possibly in the future maybe) I know I'll never win anything without sticking my neck out and trying, but I don't know. Any thoughts or encouragements and advice would be good

I didnt mean dating sites. I meant like yahoo chat rooms. There are lots of categories, like cultures or interests. I dont mean the sleazy ones, or even the romantic ones.

[Rabbitrabbits]

Well that would be good for social contact. So it would be a benefit. I have participated in forums in the past but I don't remember any relationships coming out of it. Of course that's not a problem unless you're looking for someone. I wonder how it would work. Do you have a huge sign in your profile? Looking for relationship. Apply within?

 

I have always been a more sedentary person on forums just absorbing and learning. I guess I could learn more and even possibly get an added benefit by participating more. (although I'm not just sure how it would work. Do people get to know you and start friendships off board which might through a small chance develop into something more? Or is what you're thinking of different?)

[offplanet]

Well that would be good for social contact. So it would be a benefit. I have participated in forums in the past but I don't remember any relationships coming out of it. Of course that's not a problem unless you're looking for someone. I wonder how it would work. Do you have a huge sign in your profile? Looking for relationship. Apply within?

 

I have always been a more sedentary person on forums just absorbing and learning. I guess I could learn more and even possibly get an added benefit by participating more. (although I'm not just sure how it would work. Do people get to know you and start friendships off board which might through a small chance develop into something more? Or is what you're thinking of different?)

 

I don't mean forums. They are yahoo chat rooms. You sign up for yahoo, you get a yahoo email id, and you install yahoo messenger. You log in and can join in the general chat, and then people can instant message you, and vice versa, and you can chat to them privately and add them as friends. You end up with a friends list, and their name lights up when they come online. You can type, or talk on the mic, and can webcam.

 

If you don't want to reply to someone you can ignore them or block them. You can share photos instantly. It's fun, and although naturally there are hundreds of people who are only after whatever, and pretending to be someone theyre not, there are also lots of good and sincere people like us!