Keraron Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 There is a girl, quite young and in the phase of traveling and exploring all new adventures of the world (extroverted, potentially promiscuous, etc.), who paused for a while and thought that at last she had found her Mr.Right. She gave him all the positive signals and spent a lot of time with him, but he never made a move. It was all so wonderful in the beginning, she almost felt in a family with him, and at total ease, until he started discussing philosophical issues and other irrelevant discussions whenever things seemed to develop. He kept becoming less and less attractive, often to the point of sounding ridiculous, and after some time she PROBABLY gave up and moved on, but still keeps seeing him often, PROBABLY just as a friend, while returning to the fun and adventurous lifestyle. In fact, the guy is just immersed in a million paranoias. Though initially very confident and himself, after a few weeks he fell in love with her in a quite needy/clingy way and therefore was scared to do or say anything that would make him loose her, often changing himself and sometimes his entire life just to stay with her... e.g. the guy was applying for jobs in the period they met, but he became so emotionally invested in her that he forgot his career and focused on "How to keep her / make things better with her". As a result he is jobless since two months but tells her that it isn't a problem, blamed the financial crisis and is spending his money on going out with her and her friends... He doesn't even have his own apartment, stays at friends, and pretends to be alright. This guy is me and yeah, I think I have two problems: 1) When I find a woman whom I think is potentially "the one" I invest all my resources (money, time, thoughts, contacts, family, friends, etc.) to aim at her, impress her and find out how to "conquer her"... thereby I loose everything, and often I eventually loose even her. The reason is that whenever a girl whom I really like likes me back, I fear that even the smallest mistake will lead me to ruining everything and loosing her. 2) I am so immersed in all my paranoias, parallel worlds, theories and strategies, that I am unable to communicate with her properly. I have probably lost touch with reality the very moment I started thinking. She still invites me out to dinner, wants me whenever she goes out on trips, but isn't as intimate as during the initial phase when she often also made physical advances. She even once casually said that "friendship can develop into love", but I don't know whether she was referring to our current situation. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 You need to focus on getting your life in order, getting a job etc. You seem to have blown it with her so I would forget about doing stuff with her and just work on cleaning up your life and your emotional state. Link to comment
jess2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 This guy is me and yeah, I think I have two problems: 1) When I find a woman whom I think is potentially "the one" I invest all my resources (money, time, thoughts, contacts, family, friends, etc.) to aim at her, impress her and find out how to "conquer her"... thereby I loose everything, and often I eventually loose even her. The reason is that whenever a girl whom I really like likes me back, I fear that even the smallest mistake will lead me to ruining everything and loosing her. i think your behaviour can be very self-destructive, you need to focus more on getting a job, getting an apartment and putting your life in order. The emotions and time you invest into somebody, can wear you out on the long run. Try not be a perfectionist when it comes to relationships, obviously you can try to impress your prosective gf and you cannot do that forever, it will eventually make you self-retarded & exhausted. Its not natural to try to impress someone forever ..... a girl will feel more secure and think about having a future with you only if you have a stable job and self-control..... i am sorry that you have to go through this, have you ever tried to see a conselor? Link to comment
Keraron Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Thanks for your advice. Indeed, I realized that I have to put my life back in order, and I know how to do that. My question is how should I behave towards her? Even if we stay just friends, I am not sure whether it is OK for me to suddenly change from someone like a doormat to total independence. When I mean friendship, I mean it seriously and I think it is a high priority to me not to loose the people of my life. She still invites me out, asks me to go on trips, dinner, etc. I also notice that when she sees me flirting with other girls, she gets very sad or jealous, or ignores me for a while. All these signs confuse me. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 [...]My question is how should I behave towards her? Even if we stay just friends, I am not sure whether it is OK for me to suddenly change from someone like a doormat to total independence. Yep, more than okay. If you want any shot with her whatsoever in the future, you need to stand up and do this, now. When I mean friendship, I mean it seriously and I think it is a high priority to me not to loose the people of my life. You're already behaving in the perfect way to lose her. Why keep doing that if your goal is the opposite? (When you keep pressing 'A' you lose 'B', and you hate that. So stop pressing 'A'.) She still invites me out, asks me to go on trips, dinner, etc. I also notice that when she sees me flirting with other girls, she gets very sad or jealous, or ignores me for a while. All these signs confuse me. They're not 'signs,' they're the dramas of someone who is too bored to invest, but too confident that you'll keep paying for things until your credit runs dry. Time to self-correct. In your corner. Link to comment
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