Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Broke up 8 months ago. 5 years together. I was just chatting with a mutual friend of my ex and mine, asking her what dates her and her bf were free next month for a night out. As soon as she said they were pretty busy most of the month, my head started spinning, believing they had nights out planned with my ex and her new guy (I don’t even know if she has one!!) and started feeling left out and alone etc. On my way home, it suddenly hit me that I haven’t let my ex go. If I had, I wouldn’t be thinking of these kinds of things, letting my imagination run wild with paranoia. I must still want her back. My head says no way in hell should I ever be with her ever again. I know I don’t even feel the same way about her, I know that for absolute certain, so why have I still not let her go?? Damn, this is annoying! Link to comment
gsxr104 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Because your head and your heart aren't in harmony. Link to comment
jojo23 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 There is a difference between love and dependence, i have 2 serious relationships the first one when we split all though i didn't want to be with him i freaked out! because you lose the routine you fall into when your with someone and even sometimes friends, i even thought do i ask him back? but it would've been for all the wrong reasons. When you find your path again and get out of the routine it will get better Link to comment
mr.mac Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Head must tell heart that it's time to move it along. This whole thing would be so much easier for you if you had some sort of definitive closure, I think. No matter how many times she says that things are over you are not accepting it for some reason, why? It seems, to me, like you are terrified of moving on without her. And I'm not faulting you for feeling that way, if you are, but if you think she has a new guy and you think she is moving on with her life then why are you torturing yourself? Rob, your threads are always screaming out like you are trying to convince us that you are over her and then shortly later you are posting that you are not over her. My advice to you is to take a little time and decide, definitively, what you want and what you need to be happy and then work on getting there. I think it's time you decided to let her go and find some happiness for yourself. Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 Because its a rollercoaster. Some days are good and I feel like I'm really making progress and then moments like that just pull me back in. I've had closure from her, but I cannot decide for myself because something is holding me back from totally letting go! I just don't know what it is. Link to comment
mr.mac Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Because its a rollercoaster. Some days are good and I feel like I'm really making progress and then moments like that just pull me back in. I've had closure from her, but I cannot decide for myself because something is holding me back from totally letting go! I just don't know what it is. I get what you are saying, but that moment was self created. They didn't mention her nor did she even come up in the conversation. Your mind is defaulting to her every time you have some sort of conflict. You've said countless times that you know you shouldn't be with her and still you are making yourself crazy. Have you been going out and meeting new women? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Trust me: try relaxing into the ambiguity. At 8 months you aren't necessarily expected to be 'over it' and that's it. You were together a long time, it may take some time to yourself for a while yet til you feel done with that chapter of your life. It took me a few years to 'get over' the ex of 5+ years, it's as long as some peoples marriages so give yourself a break. Just work on having something for when this all blows over. One day you'll notice you are done with it, it's gone - so what will you have as the rest of your life? It's a chance to explore your reinvention. Link to comment
mr.mac Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Trust me: try relaxing into the ambiguity. At 8 months you aren't necessarily expected to be 'over it' and that's it. You were together a long time, it may take some time to yourself for a while yet til you feel done with that chapter of your life. It took me a few years to 'get over' the ex of 5+ years, it's as long as some peoples marriages so give yourself a break. Just work on having something for when this all blows over. One day you'll notice you are done with it, it's gone - so what will you have as the rest of your life? It's a chance to explore your reinvention. Right! Good post! I was married and I was with her for 10 years and it took me a long while to get over her. Your mind plays games with you and I get that. To me, looking back, the best thing I did was just commit to moving on. Finding what I needed to be happy and accepting the finality of the relationship is what helped me get a grip on what I wanted out of life. Link to comment
Mustachio Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Because its a rollercoaster. Some days are good and I feel like I'm really making progress and then moments like that just pull me back in. I've had closure from her, but I cannot decide for myself because something is holding me back from totally letting go! I just don't know what it is. Well as much as im sure you are hurting right now, was this the first of such realizations recently? If so, step back, and figure out exactly what it is that is causing to not let go. I am vaguely familiar with your story, but what have you done for yourself in the meantime? Not asking to sound like you have done nothing, I just want to know. Have you been able to find something to occupy your mind that really lets you pull away, that excites you, that makes you want to continue to move forward even though that means moving on? And if this was your first such recent realizations that you arent truly over her, then I would say its part of the process, but now it seems your head is a little clearer on what your heart is thinking. Sounds to me like an opportunity to figure it out, but dont dwell. Dont allow yourself to fall into the pattern of convincing yourself that you cant move on. Just take time to recognize what specifically is holding you back, and now that you are aware that you are being held back, it should hopefully be easier to identify what is holding you back. Link to comment
mi-amor Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 maybe it might take hearing that she has found somone new for you to let go completely or maybe finding someone new yourself even. just a thought. Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I heard or read somewhere that it takes about 1/4 of the time you were together to get over someone. So, after 5 years, that would be about 15 months. You're only halfway there! Be patient with yourself and expect to have ups and downs along the way. Rob, I don't remember all the details about your story, but I'm wondering whether it's worth pursuing some kind of reconciliation with her. I don't want to set you back or anything, and it's sounded like that option was not on the table for you, but . . . I'm just asking, I guess. Where did things stand with you two last time you communicated? Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 I get what you are saying, but that moment was self created. They didn't mention her nor did she even come up in the conversation. Your mind is defaulting to her every time you have some sort of conflict. You've said countless times that you know you shouldn't be with her and still you are making yourself crazy. Have you been going out and meeting new women?I work in a gym and I meet countless women all the time. I get some great complments all the time to keep my confidence up and there a few members showing interest in me! Some are lovely and i've been out having fun. But as you say, she is my default. I know I'm headed in the right direction. I guess I just still miss her our life together, and I feel like I'm missing out on so much! Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 Trust me: try relaxing into the ambiguity. At 8 months you aren't necessarily expected to be 'over it' and that's it. You were together a long time, it may take some time to yourself for a while yet til you feel done with that chapter of your life. It took me a few years to 'get over' the ex of 5+ years, it's as long as some peoples marriages so give yourself a break. Just work on having something for when this all blows over. One day you'll notice you are done with it, it's gone - so what will you have as the rest of your life? It's a chance to explore your reinvention.I even have a new career that is keeping me very busy and occupied and I know things are going to take off for me very soon. I guess I made the mistake of putting ALL of my eggs in one basket with her. Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 I've travelled, met so many new people, I've a new career which I absolutely love. I know I'm letting go and this was just a relapse. I guess the NC and not knowing exactly what she is up to, can bring me down some time! Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 maybe it might take hearing that she has found somone new for you to let go completely or maybe finding someone new yourself even. just a thought.Yeah you're probably right. I just dont know if she has found anyone. The only thing is I'm not that bothered if she has or not. That's what makes this so frustrating. Link to comment
Mustachio Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I've travelled, met so many new people, I've a new career which I absolutely love. I know I'm letting go and this was just a relapse. I guess the NC and not knowing exactly what she is up to, can bring me down some time! Well glad its just a relapse, and that you are doing plenty for yourself, sounds like you do have your life in order and are doing good in that sense... but, I still would just take some time to really figure out why you had this relapse and really work on understanding that, because Im sure it would terrible if you kept having relapses that pulled you back in repeatedly. Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 I heard or read somewhere that it takes about 1/4 of the time you were together to get over someone. So, after 5 years, that would be about 15 months. You're only halfway there! Be patient with yourself and expect to have ups and downs along the way.This actually makes me feel better. 15 months which will be next summer.. I know I've made great progress. Rob, I don't remember all the details about your story, but I'm wondering whether it's worth pursuing some kind of reconciliation with her. I don't want to set you back or anything, and it's sounded like that option was not on the table for you, but . . . I'm just asking, I guess. Where did things stand with you two last time you communicated?Thats the crazy thing. I don't want her back. The thoughts of going back to her just make my head spin. I know deep down she's not what I really want. Link to comment
Clabs Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Hi Rob Mate - 8 months is no time really, and you are bound to have a few of these bumps in the road. But that is all it is - you HAVE been doing really well. I got to the point when I had a bit of a setback that upset me at first but I then started laughing at myself.... what the hell was I wasting time and emotion on someone who wasn't even in my life any more! You are doing great bud - just be patient and be kind with yourself. It sounds like the rest of your life is going really well and this will all fall into place with a bit more time. By the way, I really enjoy your encouraging posts! Mark PS - never put all your eggs in one basket! Link to comment
mr.mac Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I guess I made the mistake of putting ALL of my eggs in one basket with her. PS - never put all your eggs in one basket! NO! This is what you do when you are in love! Giving all of yourself or putting all of your proverbial eggs into one basket is not a mistake! You gave all of yourself and it backfired on you...it happens. Love doesn't always play along how you'd like, but giving all of yourself is not a mistake. Link to comment
Clabs Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 NO! This is what you do when you are in love! Giving all of yourself or putting all of your proverbial eggs into one basket is not a mistake! You gave all of yourself and it backfired on you...it happens. Love doesn't always play along how you'd like, but giving all of yourself is not a mistake. The problem when you over-invest in a relationship is that other areas of your life can fall by the wayside. The relationship can also become imbalanced. If it goes belly up, a huge void is left. I guess it boils down to not relying on someone else for your own happiness. Just my thoughts. Mark Link to comment
mr.mac Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 The problem when you over-invest in a relationship is that other areas of your life can fall by the wayside. The relationship can also become imbalanced. If it goes belly up, a huge void is left. I guess it boils down to not relying on someone else for your own happiness. Just my thoughts. Mark I agree with that! I just don't want Rob to think that he shouldn't give all of himself in any future relationships just because this one didn't work out as planned. Link to comment
Clabs Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I guess it depends on definitions of giving all! I guess what I am trying to say that you shouldn't lose yourself in the other person. Mark Link to comment
dandan78 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 The problem when you over-invest in a relationship is that other areas of your life can fall by the wayside. The relationship can also become imbalanced. If it goes belly up, a huge void is left. I guess it boils down to not relying on someone else for your own happiness. Just my thoughts. Mark This is what I am having to deal with at the moment. It is an extremely painful lesson to learn and is taking counselling, CBT and CoDA to help me through the days. Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 You are doing great bud - just be patient and be kind with yourself. It sounds like the rest of your life is going really well and this will all fall into place with a bit more time. By the way, I really enjoy your encouraging posts! Mark PS - never put all your eggs in one basket!Thanks Mark, thats exaclty what I tell myself. My new career and business is going to start doing really well soon and I am convinced that everything else will fall in to place at the right time also. Link to comment
allgood Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 i think its time man 5 years is a long time, youve done all the right things in healing. to be honest man following your posts your doing really really well. If i was in your position i know i would be in a very dark place right now, but with you man you did all the right things and iam suprised how much you've healed hearing your story. i think its just a setback as you probably already figured out, reading your following posts you've already recovered. and yeah you know youve got alot of things going for you but just as a reminder cause i love this movie..... from the movie swingers "You don't look at the things that you have, you only look at the stuff that you don't have. Those guys are right about you - you're money." Link to comment
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