When do you know?

[HeartBrokn]

I was wondering what you guys thought? When do you know a relationship is done? What type of things do you look for to say, ahh this relationship is dead? I’ve been in a marriage for ten years, my wife is emotionally distant, no intimacy, doesn't want to ever spend time with me. She doesn't know what the issue is.

 

This is killing me and she doesn't really seem like she even cares. She is going to a counselor to try to figure out what is going on with her. We are civil and get along fine. Do you guys think there is always hope to salvage a relationship or if some things are not meant to last forever.

[waveseer]

When one or both partners are no longer willing to communicate it's the beginning of the end unless they change their mind(s).

[HeartBrokn]

Do you mean communicate about the issue or just in general?

[waveseer]

I mean in general, but if they avoid the issue long enough that constitutes a breakdown in communication as well.

[HeartBrokn]

What do you think when one person is not sure why they feel the way they do and feels she needs time to sort her thoughts? Should I let her be alone on this or try to do some marriage counseling together?

[waveseer]

I would give my partner the opportunity to sort it out however they can given the parameter that if they don't make progress on their own they will seek assistance. The timeline should be negotiated so everyone's needs are served.

[HappyHealing]

there are many signs that relationship is snowballing downhill, before everything finally come to an end, I urge you to do everything possible to save it if the relationship is what you value and she's the person you love.

 

I remember one of your previous post about seeing all the signs, that clearly indicates that one partner in the relationship is emotionally distant and checking out of the relationship.

 

You sound concerned about it and are willing to try everything to save your relationship, I fully support you on that, i think you are in a better position than most people on forum who broke up with their partner already.

 

Rather than relying too much on the advice of people who's outside of your relationship to give you examination of your relationship, I would think going to professional couples therapy would be better choice, also reading would definitely help, eg. "make up don't breakup"...

 

I remember two books i recently encountered gives very good insight on the process of relationship break down, how each partner act/react and the signs etc.

 

Uncoupling

Coming apart (i think that's the title)

[HappyHealing]

oh another note. when one person emotionally checks out of the relationship, it is usually done over a period of time privately without showing the signs (not that they are evil they could very well be struggling with their own conflicting emotions), by the time the other partner start seeing signs, it is usually in a very late stage of the emotional change for the changing partner. But it doesn't mean nothing can be done to save it, however too many people failed to save a relationship i believe due to the lack of understanding of the deeper issues that lead to all the symptoms they see on the surface.

 

Remember to stay calm and avoid any panic like most people would. Trying to solve the problem without sufficient understanding of the cause could add fuel to already burning fire. (many people chase their partner away by taking 'any action' they can without step aside to examine the underlying cause.)

 

This is why i believe a professional couple's therapist could assist you to achieve that - gaining a clearer vision of what's going on in your relationship. In your case, perhaps you can start talking to a therapist individually first, based on your finding, perhaps include your partner (if she's willing) in therapy.

 

Good luck

[HeartBrokn]

Yeah I am trying to keep us together not only for us but for sake of our kids. We have had our problems in the past and she is recently going through some stress because she is going back to school to get her degree. But she is saying she doesn’t feel overly stressed out. We are also in the process of moving to the other side of the country and just recently I confronted her on the fact that we have zero intimacy and that we should spend more time with each other. This sort of backfired on me because she wants to spend even less time with me. By the way she is an introvert so that adds a little bit more isolation to our relationship.

[HeartBrokn]

Thanks, it is really frustrating because we have made up over some really bad issues we had that almost caused us to split apart over a year ago. I think she still might have some hangups over that period and also our past. I feel in some ways I am smothering her, but at the same time I feel a little more insecure than usual because of what we went through, so now I demand to see results. I guess I should step back and give her that space. I just fear that she will never be ready to open up and leaving the issue open ended indefinitely is just driving me insane.

[i miss her 2]

What kind of stuff should you communicate about? I think my partner has communication problems in general. Her parents were like that. Is it possible for someone to pick up on something like that from their parents and is it possible for someone to have communication problems from the beginning? I think whenever there was a problem with us she would tell her friends and not ME. Is that a sign of a communication problem or are all girls like this? My problem is I have nobody to compare her to because she is the only gf I have ever had. The only things she ever wanted to talk about was her day, some new clothes she bought, school, etc. I would tell her about EVERYTHING though and I guess she felt like she couldn't do that with me...I don't know why though.