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When & Why was the last time you cried


erks

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I never cry. It's a residual from my childhood. When I was a kid I used to cry so much about how sad I was about the way things were at home that eventually I just gave up on crying altogether. One day I realized it dosen't change anything and I think all of my tears were used up at an early age. The last time I remember crying was when I was probably about 15 when my brother in law got violent with me for no reason. But that was the last time. I just don't have a use for it anymore as an adult.

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I teared up a bit yesterday. I recently had a baby so my hormones are a bit out of whack and I'm seriously sleep deprived. After being with baby and 3 yo. all day, my husband called to say he'd be home in an hour (which would have been 10:15 pm) so I had his dinner ready. But he didn't come inside, he hung around outside talking on the phone for half an hour, then came in and disappeared into the bathroom for another half hour. So now 11:15 pm, his dinner has gone cold, and I'm stuck in the kitchen doing the same damn dishes and wiping the same damn stretch of counter top that I do over and over, every day, with precious little adult interaction, and feeling annoyed and sorry for myself.

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Back in June. It was almost the end of June and I went out with two friends and the girl from work. There were a series of events that took place that night with my buddy and her and I pretty much broke down crying to one of my friends over the phone. Didn't sleep much that night.

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Today, yesterday, Etc., etc.

 

I realize I'm never going to be the person I've wanted to be. Since I was 10, I've wanted to be a theoretical physicist, and this year I found out that I'm so bad at math I can't even be a simple engineer. And I'm only 15.

 

It seems that I have an uncanny ability to see how things will go in long term situations, and I see myself either dead or insane by 30, while all the kids who destroyed my sociability in 3rd grade, the ones who smoke pot and drink are in the regular math class, and they are going to be the successful assholes who get a corner office, even though I've never smoked or drank because it would make me stupid. And I'm just so stressed because it seems that karma never works for me and I'm afraid that I might snap and hurt someone because everytime the smallest thing happens I getunconteollable rage and I punch my knee hard enough to break a normal person's hand. And I think I need to kill myself before things get worse because things will never get better for me.

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