Urgently need to right a wrong.

[Carnatic]

I need advice on helping my g/f trust me and love me after I made a huge mistake that took all that away.

 

Some of you may know me, many more of you know my girlfriend... known on ENA as Ilovemybabycairo, and about how she flew from Michigan to England in July to be with me when love blossomed after 3 years of close friendship and hidden desire over the internet.

 

Things have been so incredible and passionate since she arrived. All my friends and family love her; people keep commenting about what a cute couple we make, we're a just so compatible and close and understanding of each other (partly because we met on ENA and understand each others' issues), we share the same life-goals and my therapist has noted the improvement in my mood since we fell in love. We could definitely see that we should stay together forever and get married and have lots and lots of cats.

 

Unfortunately on Friday night I went and did something really unforgivable that could spell the end for us:

 

We were out, having fun and getting drunk, something we often do, and it was all going really well, as per usual until closing time at the nightclub we were in. After we left we had a disagreement about whether to get a taxi home or not. I wanted a taxi, ILMBC didn't see the point in paying for one when we could walk (usually we have the reverse opinions)

 

Neither of us can remember what happened next, but apparently I disappeared. The next thing ILMBC can remember is that she didn't know where I'd gone and waited for me but remembered we'd had something of a row. She was left upset and alone in an unfamiliar city with no money, no phone and no keys to the flat; and I never showed up, so she had to walk home... on the way a guy tried to sexually assault her (fortunately he was weak and she could fight him off, but ran the rest of the way home, falling over and skinning her knee in the process).

 

When she got back I was in the flat (I can't remember getting back, but the security guard remembered me getting back drunk), but fast asleep and couldn't be woken. She had to sleep outside in the corridor until eventually in the early hours she managed to wake me up. I got up answered the door, unaware anything was wrong. I didn't turn to look at the bed next to me as I got up and assumed she was there next to me and we'd just had a great night. I was shocked to see her outside and she explained to me everything that she remembered happening (so everything apart from the moment our argument escalated and I abandoned her). Apparently I got pizza as well, and we assume I got a taxi home, though that is just an assumption.

 

I know from the sounds of the story it may seem like a simple case of 'I have an alcohol problem' but I think there are underlying issues in myself that were brought out by being drunk. I have always been emotional and impulsive. just that I'm even more so if drunk. I just wish I could remember what was going through my head that night. I know alcohol isn't healthy and all that stuff, but I have been this drunk and drunker many times before without anything bad at all happening, and I certainly don't need alcohol to function... I'm usually a happy drunk, sometimes a miserable drunk, but I don't really do the whole drunken argument thing... so all I'm saying is it would be too simple to assume it's just the alcohol.

 

Anyway, more important is that now ILMBC feels distanced from me, the closeness is gone and she feels like I'm just a friend now, rather than a boyfriend. She can't look at me, if we go to kiss she can't do it and breaks down into tears. She doesn't know what she is feeling and can't explain why, but just that she is feeling more and more distanced from me. She is worried she may never recover and she may never love me as boyfriend again. If this happened we would have to break up, even though neither of us wants to. We just want to be the way we were before, and she is looking to me to find a way of basically making it right.

 

I think it might be that she feels she can't trust me anymore, or perhaps that her image of me as perfect that she had when she came over here has been shattered, and now I'm not the guy she fell in love with. Or it could just be the trauma of the whole experience. Either way I'm hoping it is just a short term thing she will get over. I've suggested these ideas to her, but she can't really say if any are the case, she really does have no idea.

 

Can anyone help, I really really need this so bad. I just need to know what I can do to restore her trust in me, or fix whatever it is that might be broken. It is urgent as all the time I'm not doing anything, she drifts further and further from me and I am really out of ideas. And we don't want to lose each other, it would destroy us.

 

I'm sorry I rambled on a bit and I really hope someone manages to read through all this and offer some advice... any advice at all would be hugely appreciated.

[thetruth]

it was a move that showed her a side of you she didn't think existed. now she's confused as to whether you are the same guy. sounds silly, but common.

 

the only thing you can really do is continually show her you are not that guy. i mean every day, as often as possible - just show her how much you care and how wrong and horrible you feel. honestly. it will take time for her to reconcile this thing you did that she didn't think possible. whatever the reason for it.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think ILMB Cairo should pack up and go back home where she is safe. So far she could have been murdered twice. I think that's enough. Not that it's any of my business but I believe in my heart that is what should happen, as soon as humanly possible.

[SapphireNoir10]

Is this not the second time she has been left and has been assaulted?

 

In the space of a few months?

 

Left in a strange city?

 

To be perfectly frank, and not to be rude, If a guy did that to me, left me, dissapeared and I had to sleep outside his place after I'd flown 1000's of miles to see him. I'd find it extremely hard to forgive. Especially after she was still getting over the LAST traumatic event.

 

I dont see how you can do that. No matter how drunk you were.

 

Perhaps the relationship can be saved. But you need to NOT drink as much or get in that state both of you, prove you can be trusted and prove you are still that person she loves.

[Miss Firecracker]

I would have been gone after the first round.

[jengh]

(Mods: FYI we aren't going to be one of those forum couples that debate issues publicly, but we just need help here and this is the best forum for that. We've both agreed to start a thread to get an outsider's opinion)

 

Basically... I don't even know where to start. He pretty much summed it up, except that I can remember pretty much everything that night and had made it clear to him that I forgot my keys and phone was dead...

 

I don't know what to feel. It's getting worse every day. I forgive him, I've told him that and I do genuinely mean it...but (there's always a but), every day that progresses since Friday, I feel more and more gutted. I don't know what to feel any more. I feel like I'm hugging my best friend. I can't look him in the eye. I hate that feeling. I don't want to feel like this, it hurts so badly.

 

I don't know what to do in order to move on. I feel like he needs to do something quickly because I feel myself drifting further and further away with each day, hour that goes by. Earlier today, I could kiss him and look at him and now...nothing. Just tears.

 

I don't want this to be the end of us, but my trust is gone.

[JonasWaingaro]

Seriously, your excuse is 'I was drunk so didn't notice that 1) you left her on her own in a strange city 2) order a pizza 3) talked to the security guy who would most likely have asked where's your GF. Dude that's an awful excuse and I for one don't buy it. But then I don't believe in drunken memory lose. It's a sham. A poor excuse for being a jerk. Just opinion. But she should leave and get some perspective about things.

[hers]

This isn't the first or even the second time this has happened with you guys. You've left 3 times now, twice ending up with her in danger.

 

I agree with miss F, definitely. You're my friend and jenn's my friend, but it doesn't seem like jenn is safe with you, especially b/c you hve consistently left her in dangerous situations in an unfamiliar country. That, to me, is a huge dealbreaker, and I'm not even saying that as one of jenn's best friends.

 

I also recommend stopping drinking. And if you can't stop, get yourself help for it.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im not sure how you can forgive this the second time, being left to sleep outside? And left AGAIn especially after the first time. Its so dangerous.

[jengh]

I don't want to give up on this... because, despite all of the drama that has happened, there has been so much good. At this point, the good still far outweighs the bad (in the past, that's how I've judged relationships...whether or not the good still outweighed the bad).

 

He's a wonderful boyfriend 99% of the time. I've never had anyone love me the way he does, he does so much for me, he takes care of me. I don't want people getting the wrong idea about him because he's, despite everything, an amazing guy and I'm lucky to have him.

 

There's just this issue that seems to keep creeping up... he doesn't seem to think the alcohol is a problem, I don't know though. Certainly, both situations that have presented themselves could have been avoided had they been alcohol-free evenings.

[SapphireNoir10]

Alcohol is a big problem.

 

Also him walking away from arguments and leaving you is a problem.

[jengh]

Im not sure how you can forgive this the second time, being left to sleep outside? And left AGAIn especially after the first time. Its so dangerous.

 

Well, the first time wasn't entirely his fault... it really could have happened to anyone... but this time is completely different.

 

GAHHHHHH I don't know. I'm tired of crying and I have a headache.

[hers]

But he doesn't seem to be taking care of you...

[miami]

In short- you blew it!

 

Whatever image she had of you has been irreparably altered to that of the drunken slob who left her to beat off a rapist in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't exactly give a woman the warm & fuzzies, let alone a sense of security. If that evening had been any more out of control, they could have used the storyline in the hit movie Hangover that results in a world of insanity the following morning.

 

You might be able to play the "I have an alcohol problem" card, and use this incident as the catalyst to check yourself into a program. Only you know if you have one for real, but it seems to work well for celebrities. She might buy into it and see you as a "victim of alcohol" garnering her sympathy and support in the process.

[Carnatic]

I have a lot to make up for. And not much time to do it. I understand that showing her she can trust me and how much I love her is the best long term course of action. But I need some big gesture to stop her sliding further and further away in the short term.

 

And this is a side of me that not even I knew I had. I was as shocked as jenn was when I discovered what I'd done in the morning.

 

The first time it happened, I only left her for a bit and was only a few feet from her. Also the first time I had no idea how dangerous liverpool could be for a girl, as her city in Michigan isn't half as dangerous for her to walk round alone at night.

[SapphireNoir10]

Well, the first time wasn't entirely his fault... it really could have happened to anyone... but this time is completely different.

 

GAHHHHHH I don't know. I'm tired of crying and I have a headache.

 

Im not sure it could. If i was him I wouldnt let you out of my sight, especially in a strange city. It is just TOO dangerous, way too dangerous.

 

I dont think hes a bad guy. I think its lack of thinking and too much drinking.

 

You two need to sit down and talk about the drinking and how to avoid these situations and how to resolve this. If you think you can.

[Seraphim]

I would definitely not trust you. I might forgive it though. I would have to leave though, I could never be with a man that left me open to being harmed like that.

[SapphireNoir10]

I have a lot to make up for. And not much time to do it. I understand that showing her she can trust me and how much I love her is the best long term course of action. But I need some big gesture to stop her sliding further and further away in the short term.

 

And this is a side of me that not even I knew I had. I was as shocked as jenn was when I discovered what I'd done in the morning.

 

The first time it happened, I only left her for a bit and was only a few feet from her. Also the first time I had no idea how dangerous liverpool could be for a girl, as her city in Michigan isn't half as dangerous for her to walk round alone at night.

 

All cities are extremely dangerous.

 

Like I said your not a bad guy. But you need to try and fix the alcohol problem and work out a better way to resolve arguments.

[thetruth]

But I need some big gesture to stop her sliding further and further away in the short term.

 

those don't really exist. she knows how sorry you are, she knows how you feel , she already knows everything that you hope a big gesture would tell her - consistency and time is the only answer.

 

that is giving you the benefit of the doubt, as you seem genuine and she defends you and does not seem like she is so confused as to defend a horrible person.

[jengh]

In short- you blew it!

 

Whatever image she had of you has been irreparably altered to that of the drunken slob who left her to beat off a rapist in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't exactly give a woman the warm & fuzzies, let alone a sense of security. If that evening had been any more out of control, they could have used the storyline in the hit movie Hangover that results in a world of insanity the following morning.

 

You might be able to play the "I have an alcohol problem" card, and use this incident as the catalyst to check yourself into a program. Only you know if you have one for real, but it seems to work well for celebrities. She might buy into it and see you as a "victim of alcohol" garnering her sympathy and support in the process.

 

So your advice to him is to have him lie and hope "she" buys into it? Even if this wasn't my boyfriend I would not be condoning someone to lie to get out of a fight.

[doiiiieeezie]

I know that you are trying to work this out, but really, I'd be out of there too. I'm thankful that I had a protective ex who made sure I wasn't left alone in a strange city in the middle of the night. Apparently this happened more than once? Unacceptable.

 

She has every right to not trust you, heck no one in their right mind would. Stop drinking, get your act together and if you really do love her... you will do what's right to keep her safe.

 

There shouldn't be a 3rd time.

[JonasWaingaro]

I have a lot to make up for. And not much time to do it. I understand that showing her she can trust me and how much I love her is the best long term course of action. But I need some big gesture to stop her sliding further and further away in the short term.

 

And this is a side of me that not even I knew I had. I was as shocked as jenn was when I discovered what I'd done in the morning.

 

The first time it happened, I only left her for a bit and was only a few feet from her. Also the first time I had no idea how dangerous liverpool could be for a girl, as her city in Michigan isn't half as dangerous for her to walk round alone at night.

 

Wrong. This isn't about grand gestures. This is about being a man and protecting your women. That's your role. To make sure no harm comes to her, ever. If that means you forgo 'fun', you do just that. I may be old fashioned but that's what a man does.

 

You need to explore why you have not done this, twice. You need to stop making excuses and realize you will lose her if you don't grow up. At 26, you should be not getting that drunk and acting like an idiot. Again just an opinion.

[bronte]

I won't pile on when other people have made it clear how completely unacceptable your behavior was (and it sounds like you both realize that, too), but I think the biggest thing is to take care of the alcohol problem. If it was a choice between continuing to drink and keeping your girlfriend, which option would you choose?

 

Bottom line, she deserves to feel safe with you, and being abandoned is maybe THE hardest thing to get over in a relationship. You have to break this pattern, and giving up alcohol would be a very important step towards that.

[miami]

By the way Carnatic, it does not help that your gf has visibility to the same forum you are using to strategize a gameplan for getting her back. You can pretty much scratch my brilliant suggestion to play the "poor alcoholic victim" routine since she has just read it. You may as well have requested suggestions for what would be a good "surprise gift" to get her and allow ILMBC to weigh in.

[jengh]

From reading your opinions (thank you by the way), maybe I'm in the wrong thinking I need some sort of "quick fix" done to make myself feel better.... I guess I've hit a level of desperation where I feel like we're losing each other faster and faster by the day and I need something done to make it better. I don't know. Sigh.