Is it too late for me to get pregnant?

[mgirl]

I am just about to turn 40 and am single. I am fairly well set-up financially and would really like to have a child.

 

Only problem is, was talking to a male friend re- being a sperm donor and he commented that his mother said i am too old! First of all, i find this quite rude (that he has to consult mummy on everything), and secondly, i am wondering, am i too old? I mean, too old to find a donor? I am worried that most donors would want a woman in her 20s or 30s.

 

I am fairly fit, appear young for my age (most people would say i'm 32) and as far as i know, have no genetic predispositions to anything. I am going to my doctor this week to get full blood tests.

 

From those who know about having children when you're slightly older, or from a donor:

 

-Should i be testing for anything else?

 

-Is there any way (tests) I can tell if my genes are not defective?

 

-Is there any way to tell if an embryo has Downs Syndrome or a genetic defect? I've got to consider my age.

 

Thanks for your answers, in advance.

[Batya33]

I had my first and only pregnancy just before I turned 42, it happened naturally with my now husband. There are several tests for genetic/chromosomal defects some of which are invasive (amniocentisis, CVS) and some of which are not (blood tests, ultrasounds).

 

There are new tests (i.e. in the last 5-7 years) that are non-invasive and excellent at assessing the risks of Downs' and similar issues but they are not diagnostic the way amnio is. We opted out of invasive tests because of the excellent results we got from the non-invasive ones. Given my age we didn't want to risk miscarriage because we didn't know if we could get pregnant again easily.

 

There are blood tests you can take now to see if you are a carrier for certain genetic diseases as well as mental retardation that is caused by a chromosomal defect (some forms are not)- I think I was tested for 17 of them. In addition I think there are tests to assess your fertility but I didn't go down that path.

 

One of my friends used the same anonymous sperm donor for her three children. She is 42 and had a baby right before she turned 42. Both of our children are beyond perfect (she also opted out of the amnio).

 

If I could do it all over again I would have preferred having a baby earlier in life because my age meant increased emotional stress especially in the first two trimesters before all the results were back. Even after they were back I worried (which I am sure most pregnant women do even if they are younger but it seemed worse to me because of my age).

 

Also, I had a medical complication right after the birth that is a condition more likely to occur over 40. No lasting effects, just mentioning that there are other age-related issues during and because of pregnancy to consider. All pregnancies after 35 and especially after 40 are considered high risk, so you will have more extensive monitoring (ultrasounds, maybe extra blood work) during your pregnancy.

 

Hope that helped.

[lavenderdove]

I would suggest that you get a blood test to see if you're still ovulating and have the right hormonal levels.

 

Many women can indeed get pregnant at your age, but if you want to have a baby, i wouldn't wait too long if you are really trying and don't get pregnant within 6 months. In many cases, the woman might need a little extra hormones/fertility drugs to ensure she ovulates regularly.

[mgirl]

Thank-you Batya, that has helped beyond belief (an emoticon does not cut it here).

 

Just one more question: In regards to your 42 year old friend, is she single or a lesbian by any chance?

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer my question/s

[SapphireNoir10]

Hi there!

 

I dont think your too old. Like another poster said there are lots of tests. As long as you are fit and healthy. My bf's mom had him and his sibling in her forties. And now hes grown up and out of the house and shes only in early sixties.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that you are too old to have children but there can be complications when you decide to have children and you are 40 and older. As long as you talk to your doctor then the proper precautions can be taken.

 

If the guy is going to be donating his sperm then I doubt he is going to keep it a secret. He is going to tell people and he just happened to tell his mother. I wouldnt be offended that certain people might think that you are too old, as you recognize yourself that you are 40 and want to have a child. People are going to have their opinions and perhaps rather than a friend you should look for an anonymous donor.

[ayekasong]

I'm not an expert on this, but I have a 29-year old friend who is concerned about her age and not getting pregnant before 35... so she looks into these things a lot. I would say consult your doctor or a fertility specialist. It's certainly not too late for you to get pregnant, although there are things you need to consider because there some risks are higher in pregnancies after 35.

 

As long as you are still menstruating, it's not too late!

[Seraphim]

I got pregnant at 40 and my grandmother had my mother at 40 and my uncle at 42. Like Batya33 said there are many many tests that can find conditions wrong with a fetus. I would get blood tests first to acertain your hormone levels. It is most definitely MUCH harder to get pregnant after 35. Egg quality also is reduced dramatically.Many go on to have perfectly normal babies after 40. The miscarriage risk is higher however. My pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 4 months, due to structural issues with me, my baby was perfectly normal. Make sure all is sound structurally and hormonally before trying, that is my suggestion.

[mgirl]

Thanks everyone

 

Victoria66, sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

[Batya33]

Thank-you Batya, that has helped beyond belief (an emoticon does not cut it here).

 

Just one more question: In regards to your 42 year old friend, is she single or a lesbian by any chance?

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer my question/s

 

She is single and is still interested in getting married someday but has had little time to date since she started having children.

 

Glad to help! I will add that almost every day I am very grateful that I am not raising my son alone - and he is a relatively easy baby (I decided against going the single mother by choice route when I was about 38-won't get into the reasons here, especially since you are not asking about that).

 

On a practical level I can't imagine doing this alone but more importantly on an emotional level having his father experiencing this with me and knowing that my child has his two parents raising him -- well, I can't stress enough what a difference it makes and how special it is. And, none of that is to tell you not to do this alone, but I would advise talking to many single mothers about the realities of it and I think there is a good book out there - at least one - on single mothers by choice. Maybe you've done all that already but if not that's what I would do.

[mgirl]

Thank you Batya.

 

I wouldn't be a single mother by choice, but i'd like to be a mother by choice. In other words, i happen to be single (not my choice), but i don't want to wait too much longer. Today, it's make or break.

 

To my credit, i have saved up enough money to sustain myself for a year or two if i like. In the country in which i live, there are fairly good benefits for parents or single mothers. There is a baby bonus, which is $6,000 and the benefits would cover my rent and utilities. I think i could make enough $$$ to supliment that income by a little bit and i would have full-time days off. There are also child care rebates, which means you only pay about $44.00 per day for day care. Not that i would do that often, but once junior is about 1yr, i may end up leaving him / her in there for a day or two a week, for social purposes, as well as for my own sanity (a break mainly).

 

The main thing i am concerned about is support. I *think* i am going to phone my dad this week and ask him if he would support me emotionally. The sad thing about it is that each time i have asked my mum (including a request 10 years ago), she has basically shirked responsibility, and the most recent comment was "it costs a lot of money" and "it's your decision". Which really hurt me in some ways.

 

My sister is no longer alive, so i would be doing it alone for a majority of the time, but i do feel i would be okay financially. I would ideally like to find a sperm donor who would like to become involved in the babies life in some way, even if it's for weekends in a year or two. A friend of mine who recently had a baby seems to think it is possible doing it on your own. I just don't think i can wait for a partner. But, i get your point about the enjoyment being about you and your babies father. That would be an ideal situation for me.

 

I don't forsee nappies and clothing to be too expensive as we have a few discount stores here where the clothing is cheap.

 

I guess my main concern would be my health during the pregnancy (slightly), and having some time out occassionally.

 

I feel that i could do it, but *some* support would be nice. I don't think i want to live without having a baby.

[mgirl]

PS. i would like to be friends with the donor.

[Batya33]

I guess for me the relevant question was not whether I wanted to live without a baby (I didn't and had wanted one for decades) but whether I wanted a baby to live without a father who, from the starting gate, was married to me (obviously life happens - death, divorce, I'm talking about from the time we gave birth to a child). Yes I may have used a sperm donor if I were married and my husband had problems conceiving. Yes I may have done it if we weren't married but living together like married (and to me, when people choose to do that to me it's basically the same because the child has two parents who are living together like spouses do, it's just that being married was essential to me as part of the plan, not the ideal situation, but essential).

 

I wasn't single by choice either (most of us in that situation are not), but I always knew I had a choice as to whether to intentionally bring a child into this world (intentionally) who would not have a father who was married to me from the beginning, and my personal value system wouldn't allow me to make that choice despite feeling exactly as you - not wanting to live without having a baby, because to me it wasn't about me and my desires but about the best interests of the child, and after years of contemplation and talking it over with certain people I knew, and studying the research and authorities on the subject, I couldn't act contrary to what I personally viewed as the best interests of the child.

 

Almost every decision to have a child is selfish in some part - just by definition - but to me it was just too selfish to deprive a child of a father at the starting gate. I would have adopted, because then I would have felt like I didn't bring the child into this world, the child had zero parents and one was better than zero.

 

It was the "mother by choice without a father married to me" (however you want to label it, single mother by choice, or whatever) that was the key for me. I didn't want a child to have to pay, in essence, for my personal situation of being without a partner. To you, the child wouldn't be deprived or "paying" because your values as to what is in the best interests of a child differ from mine and I think we can coexist peacefully despite that difference!

 

When I share that (and I am sharing that because you shared your opinion and values with me) I don't mean to pass judgment on your decision, just interesting that I had the same thought process and it came out a different way.

 

My way is a little more unusual these days -- when I was contemplating this I saw that more and more the focus on what women want and need as far as being a mom took priority such that it was seen as ok to have a child outside of the mommy and daddy together scenario (or two mommies/two daddies) and of course there was the view that despite all that children didn't need to be in a two parent family to do great. There are all sorts of views out there and I realize mine is, these days, a bit more in the minority.

 

Despite your not agreeing with the label "single mother by choice" I still suggest you read the single mother by choice book (which I believe supports your view so it has nothing to do with mine) and look further into the various scenarios you've described as far as the involvement of the sperm donor after the birth, from the perspective of the child as well as even the legal perspective.

 

My mother and sister had the same view as yours when I was thinking of going this route and I reluctantly respected them for it. Also, my mother was (and is) older and from a practical perspective knew she couldn't help as much as she would have liked.

 

In reality, as it turned out she can help even less because of a family illness situation that came up only in the last year or two - I add that because especially with older grandparents, despite the best intentions you never know what the situation is going to be even a year or so down the road.

 

So those are my two cents for what it's worth. I'm happy to be of any help I can from a medical perspective as far as conceiving and going through a pregnancy at our geriatric age (yes, it's referred to as geriatric!). Good luck with all.

[mgirl]

I can't believe we're referred to as geriatric! Lol.

 

Thanks for your thoughts Batya and taking the time to respond.

 

Don't i mentioned that i am gay (a lesbian), so settling with a male partner is a long shot for me (though not impossible).

 

*But, your post has prompted me to think carefully about whether i will do this (okay, that has come up again), what sort of sperm donor i would like, where to find one, and most of all, what role i would want him to play in the child's life. I think i already know the answer to the latter - a part-time parenting role when the child is old enough. I would want the child to have a father, for sure

[Batya33]

I understand, mgirl. "Advanced maternal age" is the other lovely phrase for us older preggers types.

 

I also suggest you look into whether you need in writing this "part time parenting role" because as I'm sure you know when dealing with humans - especially little humans -- attachment and other life circumstances can drastically change the roles.

[mgirl]

Thanks again Batya. I already considered getting a parenting agreement drawn up. Actually, everything would be in writing if i went ahead with this.

 

Thanks again for all your help, i really appreciate it (and am not just saying it)

 

Interestingly enough, a friend of mine whom i lost contact with earlier this year just informed me she has had a baby. It was really good to talk to her. Anyway, she told me she had a C-Section (oh, the pain she said) and she also commented that she has this little being, attached to her 24/7 and that he literally doesn't know how to do anything. It was interesting how she was explaining it all, but i could tell that she was chuffed!

 

I bet you're chuffed too.

[Batya33]

Thanks again Batya. I already considered getting a parenting agreement drawn up. Actually, everything would be in writing if i went ahead with this.

 

Thanks again for all your help, i really appreciate it (and am not just saying it)

 

Interestingly enough, a friend of mine whom i lost contact with earlier this year just informed me she has had a baby. It was really good to talk to her. Anyway, she told me she had a C-Section (oh, the pain she said) and she also commented that she has this little being, attached to her 24/7 and that he literally doesn't know how to do anything. It was interesting how she was explaining it all, but i could tell that she was chuffed!

 

I bet you're chuffed too.

Yes but also often very humbled at the miracle and the responsibility. It feels good to be needed like this and it also can feel overwhelming at the same time. He is not attached to me 24/7 at this point - he plays very nicely on his own for up to 45 minutes at a time (very long time for a baby!) and sleeps 10-11 hours every night. Just saying it depends on the baby and the mom (I want him to play independently so I don't rush to pick him up right away if he gets a little fussy).

 

I had a last minute c-section and medical complications shortly after from the pregnancy. Labor pains were very bad at points but overall not as bad as I thought they would be.

[Seraphim]

I would be optomistic, but you should know the medical procedures have a higher risk of miscarriage and you may have to go through 3 or 4 procedures to get pregnant.

 

Also too remember once you are a mother you are one FOREVER. Even when the child is an adult you are still their mother and the worries do not end cause they are grown. They are just different. They also bring you THEIR children to mother as well. I did not know what FOREVER meant until I had my son. You might be prepared and happy with that idea I do not know, but just be ready for it. It is the most important job you will ever do in your life and it has the most responsilbility. Many can handle that and just as many can not. Just be aware. I wish you the best of luck.

[mgirl]

I would be optomistic, but you should know the medical procedures have a higher risk of miscarriage and you may have to go through 3 or 4 procedures to get pregnant.

 

Also too remember once you are a mother you are one FOREVER. Even when the child is an adult you are still their mother and the worries do not end cause they are grown. They are just different. They also bring you THEIR children to mother as well. I did not know what FOREVER meant until I had my son. You might be prepared and happy with that idea I do not know, but just be ready for it. It is the most important job you will ever do in your life and it has the most responsilbility. Many can handle that and just as many can not. Just be aware. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Thanks Victoria. I think i could handle it, infact, i would embrace it.