Infidelity vs Violent past, which one is still consider worth dating??

[yeawutever]

When it comes to dating, as you get to know them better and one of these two issues come out, which do you think you would be more tolerable and consider worth still dating your potential SO.

 

a) he/she has a past of cheating on one or more partners but claims to have changed and really wants to commit

 

b) on a past relationship prior to meeting you, he/she has hit their ex (thus being the cause of the break up) but also claiming to have changed

 

I would rather date a man who cheated on an ex before than one that has hit a women. No way I'm considering dating an ex violent man, who knows when he'll hit me. With cheating, ok so it's bad but I least I don't have to worry about saying and/or doing the right thing or he'll lash at in anger. Plus cheating can be corrected and the person redeems, abuse can't (you'll always look at them with fear in your eyes.)...

[dragon lady]

I'm not interested in reformed cheaters or abusers. Someone else can have them. I don't have much faith in these people.

[SapphireNoir10]

I'd date neither

 

After having been abused, I dont see why/how anyone would get into a relationship with someone with an abusive past. I just dont. My ex had history of abuse and cheating and I dated him, I suspect he cheated on me and was he was physically/mentally abusive.

 

But i believe cheaters can change Im not going to be narrowminded. But I'd prefer to stay away from both of these people.

 

Is this to do with a situation you yourself are in?

[yeawutever]

Is this to do with a situation you yourself are in?

No not really. I just asked in general. Actually a bit. My boyfriend told me once that he cheated on an ex to get back at her (she cheated first) but later dumped her. However, had it been abuse, then I would have dumped him right away.

[bexcelant]

No freaking way would I go there and by the way, that goes for codependent people who were abused by their significant others.

[SapphireNoir10]

I was just wondering if you needed any direct advice. People used to tell me my ex had hit girls but I never heard it from him. He also cheated. But, If my guy told me straight off the bat 'Oh i cheated on a girl five years ago' I think its more forgivable.

[bexcelant]

In every codependent realtionship there is an abuser and an enabler. The enabler typically takes it and fights back using passive aggressive tendencies which makes the abuser even more angry. It's a vicous cycle.

[SapphireNoir10]

A relationship isnt necessarily codependent when your abused. Sometimes you get abused for trying to be the sweetest/kindest/most thoughtful person you can be. And its never enough.

[DN]

A relationship isnt necessarily codependent when your abused. Sometimes you get abused for trying to be the sweetest/kindest/most thoughtful person you can be. And its never enough.

Well said, I agree with this.

[itsallgrand]

This may seem nuts to some people, but I'd be more willing to listen and give a chance to someone who had some abuse in their past history who had gone on to change than someone who had been a cheater.

 

It would totally depend on circumstances, but for someone with cheating in their past - I wouldn't even give them a second thought. I'd scrap it without even a pause.

 

I know that someone who has abused can change. That's not to say I'd take it lightly, and that's not to say I'm naive to the fact that many do not change.

[vertigoxo]

People can change. My best friend used to be in a very abusive relationship with this guy, but after his mom kicked his butt, he bawled his eyes out and swore to never lay a hand on a girl again.

 

And he stick to that promise. It's been about 1 year now.

 

Cheaters... I have understand something about dating; When a guy isn't really interested in/doesn't care for his girlfriend, he does all the inappropriate things you can't do in a relationship without a care in the world because he wouldn't even blink if the girl dumps them. It's pretty stupid that people would date just for the sake of having a partner, even when they're not into that person much.

 

I've never been into these situations (the cheater thing, maybe...) but I would stay away from these people until they get serious help first. I believe in second chances and forgiveness... But they gotta earn them!

[Inquirer89]

I wouldn't ever date a man who has a violent past. I've gone through that whole "He could of changed and says he did", I dumped him and he's a completely different person with incredible mood swings and threatened physical violence because he wasn't happy I dumped him. And had slapped me once along with other violent acts. I would take the cheater over the abuser any day. There are many reasons why men cheat, out of spite, revenge and other such reasons, doesn't mean he'll always cheat. Abusers are stuck in a vicious cycle they learned from their parent/parents or other family member and is highly likely to never change. I learned my lesson about forgiving and trying to see through their faults and believing them when they say they had changed.

[odile]

A relationship isnt necessarily codependent when your abused. Sometimes you get abused for trying to be the sweetest/kindest/most thoughtful person you can be. And its never enough.

 

Actually, that's what can make it codependent.

It's never enough, so the enabler tries harder, and the abuser keeps abusing.

 

It takes two to keep that cycle going.

[Miss Firecracker]

Since I'd rather risk being cheated on than killed, I chose the cheater.

 

I don't believe either will change permanently. Maybe they could for awhile when the situation makes it easy for them, but when the real temptation is there again, you'll get punched or screwed over.

[SapphireNoir10]

Actually, that's what can make it codependent.

It's never enough, so the enabler tries harder, and the abuser keeps abusing.

 

It takes two to keep that cycle going.

 

I wasnt a codependent person. I was independent. I just wanted to believe in the best in someone and make it work and 'help them' didnt work.

 

But Im aware every situation and person is diffrenet. I just wouldnt label myself codependent, just someone who loved the wrong person and didnt know any better.

[odile]

Oh, and regarding the original question-- I would choose neither.

 

a) he/she has a past of cheating on one or more partners but claims to have changed and really wants to commit

 

O.K., maybe but only if

the cheating was a one-off,

(say, a one-night mistake rather than a drawn-out deception)

 

AND

it happened a very long time in the past

(e.g., a number of years ago, or, say, when he was a teenager and he's older and more mature now)

 

AND

it was a mistake he only made once and then learned his lesson from.

 

Anything more recent/frequent than that is a serious red flag that tells me he's not really someone that I want to trust my heart with.

 

As far as I'm concerned, cheating is a form of abuse.

 

b) on a past relationship prior to meeting you, he/she has hit their ex (thus being the cause of the break up) but also claiming to have changed

 

Just not comfortable with that one, any way you cut it.

[jul-els]

I wasnt a codependent person. I was independent. I just wanted to believe in the best in someone and make it work and 'help them' didnt work.

 

But Im aware every situation and person is diffrenet. I just wouldnt label myself codependent, just someone who loved the wrong person and didnt know any better.

 

Exactly. A "codependent" person stays. A person who made a mistake doesn't.

[itsallgrand]

I don't believe either will change permanently. Maybe they could for awhile when the situation makes it easy for them, but when the real temptation is there again, you'll get punched or screwed over.

 

That's the risk, for sure.

 

Sick as it may sound to some, I feel I could handle a punch better than screw over. A slap, a start to abuse - I know how to handle myself, I'd be out like a flash, I know this about myself 100%.

 

A screw over is so insidious and I'd rather just deal with a punch in the face or an insult.

 

Obviously, don't want either and will do all I can so as not to have to!

[SapphireNoir10]

Exactly. A "codependent" person stays. A person who made a mistake doesn't.

 

And I left, of my own accord. Which surely makes me...uncodependent, I think.

[DN]

Co-dependency is an easy label to hang around someone's neck but unfortunately it can be both inaccurate and insulting. It has become a convenient and simplistic buzzword to describe complex people in complex situations - and very often is completely misapplied.

[odile]

I wasnt a codependent person. I was independent. I just wanted to believe in the best in someone and make it work and 'help them' didnt work.

 

But Im aware every situation and person is diffrenet. I just wouldnt label myself codependent, just someone who loved the wrong person and didnt know any better.

 

Being codependent in a relationship doesn't mean that you're always a codependent person in general, so it's not a label in that way.

 

All it means is that once in a relationship that turns abusive, you didn't walk when the abuse began.

 

It means that rather than be truly independent and say "No, I will not stand for this abuse", you stuck around and tried to make things work; tried to change yourself, tried to help him change; sacrificed time and energy to put the relationship before your own needs as a person independent from the relationship.

 

It doesn't mean that you were flawed, it just means that you gave your heart to the wrong person.

Finally cutting the ties doesn't mean that the relationship wasn't codependent when you were together-- it just means that you've broken the cycle, and so are no longer in a codependent relationship.

 

 

*I'm using 'you' as an example, even though I don't know your full story.

I'm simply using "you" = "a person"

 

If you walked away from the abuse right off the bat, then no, you were not in a co-dependent relationship.

 

If however, it took many cycles of abuse for you to finally give up and go, then yes, you were in a co-dependent relationship.

 

This isn't a label that you necessarily keep with you; it belongs to the relationship.

 

For the record,

There are some people who are independently labelled "codependents", but that's not really what I'm talking about here.

To make the distinction further, an otherwise independent person can find themselves sucked into a codependent relationship.

A codependent person, however, will establish certain dynamics within nearly any relationship (romantic or otherwise) that they engage in.

[SapphireNoir10]

You dont necessarily always realised you've been sucked down the path of an abusive relationship straight away. I refuse to accept I was codependent because I was abused. I was naive and silly. But I dont believe I was codependent because I stayed with him out of choice. Not because I had to. And I left him through choice.

 

Edit: However you do make reasonable points and i accept your opinion, and agree that is sometimes the case.

[odile]

You dont necessarily always realised you've been sucked down the path of an abusive relationship straight away.

 

That's exactly what makes abusers so dangerous.

 

It's like what itsallgrand just said:

I feel I could handle a punch better than screw over. A slap, a start to abuse - I know how to handle myself, I'd be out like a flash, I know this about myself 100%.

A screw over is so insidious and I'd rather just deal with a punch in the face or an insult.

 

The thing is abuse can take many forms, and some of the worst abusers seem like the most wonderful people at first.

They may not hit you, but they sure as hell will mess with your head.

It can be much more difficult to recognise and put a stop to that kind of abuse.

[SapphireNoir10]

That's exactly what makes abusers so dangerous.

 

It's like what itsallgrand just said:

 

 

The thing is abuse can take many forms, and some of the worst abusers seem like the most wonderful people at first.

They may not hit you, but they sure as hell will mess with your head.

It can be much more difficult to recognise and put a stop to that kind of abuse.

 

Absoloutley. You see. When it all gets so twisted you almost start thinking your in a 'normal' relationship when its anything but, I dont think that makes you codependent so to speak, I think it makes you in a bad position.

[itsallgrand]

We all have situations where, if we find ourselves in them, we soon find we are in over our heads and don't know how to deal with it.

 

The key is knowing what those blind spots are and what are your limits.

 

I don't think it makes anyone a bad person, nor necessarily co-dependent, it's just someone not being able to cope or navigate with a situation or person. We aren't expected to know it all nor to be able to do everything.

 

I think a better word where co-dependence has been used would be 'enabling'. Whether they know it or not (and usually not), staying is a form of enabling.

 

But the bottom line is: it's never ok to abuse someone, it doesn't matter if they stay and allow it to go on - that's not an explanation nor a justification for the abuse going on, it's simply a choice a person makes (a poor choice, yes) when they are struggling to deal with a situation which seems so unreal and hard to navigate with limited options, it's one way some people try to make a bad situation better.

 

I personally feel it takes a lot of strength and courage to go through all that and come out the other side, having left, and be willing to speak about it to help others. It's admirable.