not in denial, more disbelief

[nj101]

hello all, I will keep this as short as possible -

 

I am 25 and had been dating my girlfriend since my sophomore year of college, would have been nearly 6 years come this fall.

 

We had our problems and did not always see things eye to eye but i would think that is common in most relationships. there has been no official "end" to the relationship but we have both said to eachother on different occasions that things were not working out and that we loved eachother but were not in love and all that.

 

we had one last spat several weeks ago where she told me in a manner of which to cause the most hurt that in one of the times where we were on a break that she had sex with another guy (hoping that this would be the straw that would break my back in the relationship as she just couldnt ever really end it herself)

 

since this time i have just been in complete disbelief. i dont understand how a person could change so much to the point where they no longer love the person that they were pursuing for a very long time and had a committed relationship to for several years.

 

the part that is tough for me now is that she has had the desire to move on and try new things but i just havent gotten to that point yet and honestly dont know when i am ever going to feel like i will be there.

 

can anyone else relate? where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

[SapphireNoir10]

If you have both said several times you are not 'in love' anymore etc and have been on breaks and its not working. Then this is probably for the best. Obviously the relationship wasnt working out that well. Not blaming either of you. It happens.

 

You have to embrace this as a chance to move on and find someone you ARE in love with. It will hurt and take time but see it as a fresh start.

[nj101]

i should add that I am having huge difficulties "moving on"

 

nothing seems to feel right, i miss her terribly but she has been trying to move on herself and i know holding on to the past and hope for a reconciliation is wishful thinking but i am finding it impossible to let go.

 

how does a person do that?

[npc24]

2 years broken up in the same way and im not even close

[nj101]

10) Remember--Remember how happy you were when you found this incredible person. You can and will feel it again when you meet the next incredible person that comes along. For some, a relationship may have lasted a few months, a few years, or many years. Starting over is never easy. Just remember that you are not alone in this process. There are plenty of incredible people out there that are looking to meet someone incredible as well.

 

 

i found this in another thread and this is what i get hung up on with trying to move on.

 

I know that there could be many great people out there for me. what kills me is the thought that there is no nothing i can do with regards to my ex to make her feel this way again, and then on top of it, having to live with the thoughts that she is going to find someone that is much better than i am makes me feel terrible. can anyone relate to that?

[waveseer]

You need closure (I know all about this from personal experience). Closure is really an inside job, but an honest, open, and frank discussion can help tremendously to bring it about. You can ask for her assistance in this where she meets with you to exchange gratitude and well wishes, but if she says no (or nothing which was my situation) then you will need to complete the process on your own.

[nj101]

ill add a bit more today now that i have had a bit of time to think about it.

 

things were all pretty good the first three years while we were both at college. after that though these past two years have been a constant back and forth of who can make the other person feel the most pain. not directly, but ignoring special days, not returning calls, etc. the reason we both split several times is because we knew we both werent getting what we used to out of eachother but each time we always came back to eachother.

 

the last split took place between jan and april of this past year (when she found another guy). and maybe this would be better answered by the women on the board - after trying to move on with your life and getting another man, why would you come back to the person who you swore to yourself that you would not let hurt you again. i dont think i hurt her too recently but since the first breakup she had never been able to accept that decision as a mistake, even though she wanted to go on a break beforehand. lots of drama

 

there will be no closure in the relationship from her end as she has a very close group of friends who are seeing her through this which is hard from my perspective, to see her knowingly trying to move on from me instead of trying to work out differences but i think the point has been reached with her long ago that doing that is no longer worth her time (hence the new lover). she just doesnt want to deal with it anymore

 

but she still has all my pictures up in her room, she still sleeps in my old clothes, after not speaking to me for a week she sends me a text at 1030 one night saying to come over and that the door would be open (i didnt go over but thats all i wanted to do)

 

how does a person move on from something that i feel like i dont want to move on from, but it is something that she does and at the same time doesnt want to do either.

 

sorry for the randomness of the post just a lot of thoughts going through my head that i tried to have her answer but she ALWAYS refused to talk about - she would just say, i dont want to talk about that, and that would be that. ALWAYS, very depressing

[waveseer]

What if you told her how you still feel and then put your foot down? Either she wants a real relationship with you or she doesn't. If you knew for certain she didn't, wouldn't it help you move on?

[nj101]

she has told me numerous times that she wants to be married. i told her i want that too but i cant without handling some things first - how will we deal with finances, setting up a five year plan, etc etc and she rejected that all - she is well over 60,000 in debt for various reasons and i have no knowledge of how she pays for all her bills but i thnik her parents help her out a good deal. that is neither here nor there though just setting up some background info.

 

she told me numerous times that she isnt changing anything in her life for me anymore and that i could either be part of it or not be. this sounds harsh but let me preface it by saying she is doing the things in her life that she loves to do, i can relate to that but there has not been us time in years and she knows that but there is time for her to do a million other things with her life.

 

in writing this im sure it sounds bad from an outsiders perspective - why put up with that, etc - i just cant shake the first three years away from the last 2.

 

all of this is really irrelevant though because she WANTS to move on but she is just incapable of doing the real breakup herself, she is content to just let everything go and to confide in her friends and move on.

 

so in a sense there has been closure, just closure that i cant accept, even knowing that she has been with someone else.

 

but why come back? i know i need to be thinking about myself first but ive spent the last 5 years thinking about us and its a hard habit to break

[SnowFox]

I am confused - do you want her back?

[nj101]

i want her back but she is not interested in meeting any of my needs anymore. i want to be with her so long as i feel that my needs are being met which they arent and havent been for a very long time. the reason i feel that i stuck around so long was that i feel that i pushed her into that position, into a position where it was ok to neglect me.

 

but like i said she is not going to change and she wants to move on, or at least she is going through the motions of what is needed to be done in order to move on, and i dont know when i am going to be at that point.

 

i want to be with her from two years ago, and i feel like if we were both in love why couldnt it get worked out? but the thing just isnt getting worked out and she hasnt talked to me in a couple of weeks other than that random text about going over.

 

she doesnt want to do anything for me anymore and likes knowing that i am there for her should she need it, but she doesnt feel obligated to do anything for me anymore.

[SnowFox]

Even if the problems between you could be worked on, it unfortunately does require that BOTH people are willing to work on them.

 

So, since she is not doing anything to work on them, I think you have to force yourself to accept that for now.

 

I know its hard to do, so I feel for you.