Why does this woman avoid me at all costs?

[vertigoxo]

Nope. But construction workers whistling at women don't usually touch either.

 

Well! I'd say you made your point about how inappropriate women can be as well.

 

I wonder if the OP is even reading all of this, he'll wake up soon in shock at all of the responses!

 

On a serious note... I do hope the OP doesn't get anymore crap from the lady at work anymore. Maybe he can tell everyone that he doesn't like her anymore?

[DN]

His best bet is to say nothing about her at all to anyone.

[Huzzah_89]

This woman is totally over-reacting and is being ridiculous. It reminds me of a three year old hiding behind her Mommy's coat because she is frightened by Santa Claus. She needs to grow up and stop being so childish.

 

The upside is that your crush has probably all gone away.

 

 

I agree, she is acting fair dog. If i were in her shoes i'd still be friendly.

[odile]

Just for the record:

 

Yes, women still get catcalls from construction workers, and harassed at work-- even in big cities.

But this is *so* not the topic at hand.

 

While I can understand that it is feelings of oppression that are motivating Lucy_lou to make the suggestions she has, they just don't seem applicable to this situation.

 

For every construction worker that acts boorishly, there are plenty others who are too busy working to notice a lady on the street, or... probably just as often, may notice (especially if she's in a clingy sundress or something), but are respectful enough to know better than to whistle, shout or gesture at her.

 

Apollo falls into the latter camp; he may have noticed this girl, and found her appealing, but that is nothing for him to be ashamed of.

He did not catcall, gesture to, or threaten her.

 

If he has done anything at all wrong in this situation, it was to express his feeling to someone who didn't know well enough to keep a private matter private.

Still, this does not warrant shame; it's a simple, but easily avoided mistake, and now it's just a lesson learned.

 

If he was friends with this co-worker (i.e., the co-worker was someone that Apollo trusted), then the first person who should feel shame is the co-worker who meddlesomely got the gossip mill rolling.

Immature behaviour, yes; but again both sexes are guilty of gossip at times, so we really can't turn this discussion into one about sexual inequality in society-- it's just not the issue here.

 

The lady acted weirdly, no doubt about it. From what we've read here, nothing the OP did justified her behaviour.

 

Now, Lucy, I can see where you're coming from when you say:

 

If it is a defence mechanism and she's doing the best she can, then condemning her isn't fair or constructive.

Why does anyone have to be condemned here? why must an awkward situation always be resolved with a scapegoat?

 

Okay, so perhaps calling her "crazy" is a bit unjust; point taken.

She may not be a total weirdo, but her actions have most certainly been weird.

The comments made here are not based on judgements of her whole person-- simply judgements made on her actions.

 

In terms of the compassion side of things, the compassionate thing to do (whether or not she has been traumatised in the past) would be to stand clear and firm in your beliefs, and at the same time respect her need for distance.

 

For Apollo to write the letter that was suggested would be akin to apologising for a crime that he did not commit.

As has been stated numerous times in this thread, there are many, many reasons why writing such a letter would be a bad thing.

 

One of those reasons (as has been mentioned) is that not only will it make the whole issue (which *should* have been a non-issue) seem bigger to all those involved, but furthermore, if she does have problems with identifying and addressing her own issues (as in the examples provided by Lucy), then writing such a letter will only further muddle her distorted reality.

 

To put it simply, Lucy's argument is basically asking Apollo to not only accept, but to cater to a messed up viewpoint.

This is not compassionate, and does not help Woman's cause AT ALL.

 

If, as speculated, this woman was traumatised in the past, or by society at large, then this is sad, but it is something that she's going to have to face on her own-- not with misguided attempts at counsel from a co-worker.

 

He can show compassion and respect by not gossiping about it at work, and

by respecting this particular woman's apparent need for space, and giving her a wide berth.

 

Further, he can show compassion by behaving normally, and not doing anything out of the ordinary.

 

Not only is it the most healthy thing that he can do for himself,

but diffusing the situation is really the only way to help the woman in question to eventually realise that in this instance there was nothing to freak out about.

 

Letting the whole silly mess be a bygone is by far (as many seem to agree here) the kindest and most appropriate course of action for the OP to take.

 

Stay calm, carry on.

Oh, and also-- if by chance she's acting odd because she does fancy him back, or is simply shy, or anything other than what Lucy has speculated, then this would allow things to play out naturally, rather than making a big mess where there very well shouldn't be one.

[ApolloIV]

I'm not sure what changed for her between this incident and the time she actually smiled and waved at me when I saw her in public a couple years ago. That happened at the gym, we are both members there.

 

A couple days after the gym, I saw her at a restaurant. She actually said something to me first, which women rarely do, she said smiled and said, "I see you everywhere!" in a friendly way.

 

Being the shy, introverted type, I think I gave her a "bad hello" and maybe she took it personally. Actually all I really said back was, "...yeah." It wasn't very friendly of me, and I would go back in time and change it if I could! But she doesn't know I'm shy/introverted. But she did smile and wave, once upon a time! So who knows?

 

Maybe I blew whatever chance I had back then. Maybe her finding out about how I feel this much after the fact is weird for her? I don't know. Maybe she just doesn't care. Maybe she can't be bothered with someone like me, maybe she has a boyfriend, it could be anything really.

 

I wish she did "fancy me back" as someone mentioned, but I really doubt it. I know I personally wouldn't hide my face from someone I liked, who I knew for a fact liked me back. If anything, knowing my crush liked me back (without them KNOWING I know...) would give me more confidence in myself because I would know going into it that I most likely would not be rejected...so I wouldn't hide my face from someone, or avoid them, unless I really didn't want anything to do with them. But that's just me.

[waveseer]

Apollo, I liked a guy at work once a long time ago, it wasn't mutual. I was so awkward and embarrassed around him after that I changed jobs 2300 miles away. lol

 

So I don't see hiding at a light as any real aversion.

[ApolloIV]

I can deal with feeling embarassed and awkward, I'm kinda used to it at this point in my life, so that's not a problem for me! I'm not planning on saying anything to her, obviously. Just let it die out at this point. I'm 100% sure she is not interested in me at all, so what's the use?

 

If she was so very uncomfortable at work (which she's given no signs of, since this incident happened OUTSIDE of work) then she probably would've gone to HR by now. So I'm not worried about it. Like I said, the main reason I posted this was just to see what other people thought about it, and how they interpret her actions.

[thejigsup]

If I have a crush at work, or anywhere else, that is not mutual or if someone has a crush on me that I don't like the same way, it becomes very uncomfortable for me and I do ANYTHING possible to avoid them. It's embarassing to me in both situations. I would do almost the same thing at a stoplight that she did. I cannot even look at a guy after I find out he likes me and I have no feelings for him. I mean, a hello would be pushing it. I think it is because I have had a couple guys who liked me become stalkers and to me, this is a situation to avoid at all costs. One followed me for months and ended up physically attacking me in public. I'm not saying the op is a stalker, not at all. I'm just saying this may have happened to her in the past and she wants to avoid the whole scenario. It's her, not you, and it's completely understandable.

[ShortUnarmedFemal]

The fact that you would notice a detail like that and care enough to make an online post about it is....odd. My guess is that you're still a little obsessed with her, and she senses it and is spooked. 

Also, how old are you guys, each? If I learned a co-worker old enough to be my father was talking openly to others about being attracted to me I'd be openly creeped out. 

[boltnrun]

48 minutes ago, ShortUnarmedFemal said:

The fact that you would notice a detail like that and care enough to make an online post about it is....odd. My guess is that you're still a little obsessed with her, and she senses it and is spooked. 

Also, how old are you guys, each? If I learned a co-worker old enough to be my father was talking openly to others about being attracted to me I'd be openly creeped out. 

This thread is over 11 years old. You won't get a reply to your question.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread is 11 years old...Closed.