baxxter Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I have posted my story a little here; The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide but thought over here is more appropriate. I got dumped about 3 weeks ago, and am having a hard time accepting the end. We were together for just short of 6 months, we were progressing into comfortable seriousness as the time went by, and all was great. He was kind of opposite of touchy-feely type, and never expressed his feelings to me unless I asked. This sometimes brought my insecurity out, and we had one fight 2 weeks before we broke up about this. I went little nuts then, saying he clearly didn't care for me and I cannot be with someone who is not prepared to commit, and he was saying that the action speaks louder than words. I thought that was too much for him, and he would break up with me over this, but he did come back. But the night before he did come back, my ex showed up at my door. This ex did the showing-up unannounced thing a while ago when my boyfriend was with me, causing some serious problem to us.So I let the guy in to have a proper chat. "I am with this great guy whom I care so much. We are done and you cannot come here any more." I said, and he left. Nothing happened. This was a good move in my head, as I felt that I took care of bad past memory, and I can be with the guy I care undisturbed. And so I told my bf about this. He was not pleased at all, and basically broke up with me a week later for this. He insisted that this is the only reason and he cannot forgive me and he made up his mind, there is nothing I can do to change it. I left him alone for a week, then emailed him saying that I did what did thinking it was the best thing for us, and I never cheated on him. And that I missed him and was sorry for what happened. He didn't reply, and it's been 2 weeks. I still cannot get in my head that it is over, that the reason was worth breaking up for. I was determined to stay away and move on, but missing him more and more each day. It hurts more and more. I just want to call him. Keep thinking maybe he will change his mind if I called... How can I feel better? I do want him back... the reason was so silly to me... help... Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I know how hard it is to accept that it's really over, I had quite a bit of trouble with that myself. It seems to me though, that he has done you a huge favor in disguise. Do you really want to be with someone who cannot forgive? What does that type of relationship even look like? I shudder to think. Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Hi waveseer, thank you for your reply. I keep thinking that he misunderstood and this is mend-able. That he cannot forgive me as the result of mislead information. Cannot shake off the idea of calling him... Link to comment
KiNo Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 This was a good move in my head, as I felt that I took care of bad past memory, and I can be with the guy I care undisturbed. And so I told my bf about this. He was not pleased at all, and basically broke up with me a week later for this. He misunderstood. He probably assumed that you and your ex were constantly meeting up each other and only until then you told your ex to leave. Man do cares over something, maybe small like this, me too... I won't mind though, but your man do I'm just afraid that he thought that he himself is your rebound. And he made up his mind. Well, only you know your situation now. You should think deeply now, whether its worth to get back together or try to move on, either way, you have to put in your effort. Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Hi waveseer, thank you for your reply. I keep thinking that he misunderstood and this is mend-able. That he cannot forgive me as the result of mislead information. Cannot shake off the idea of calling him... One thing a relationship has to have is trust. We are called on to give our partner the benefit of the doubt many times during the course of a relationship. I could not be close to someone who didn't trust me, could you? Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Kino, Yeah, I think we are worth working on. I do want him back. waveseer Yeah, so where is his benefit of doubt? I just think that I should contact him and maybe he will know how much he meant to me therefore never did with anything other people. Anyway I can get him back...? Link to comment
thedude27 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 >He was kind of opposite of touchy-feely type, and never expressed his feelings to me unless I asked. This sometimes brought my insecurity out, and we had one fight 2 weeks before we broke up about this. Hi there What I noticed this that this person does not sound compatible with you. I'm assuming you like ppl being more affectionate in your relationship(me too, I do like my space tho). Assuming you are dating to eventually find a partner to marry then why would you want to be with someone that acts differently then the way you prefer? You will not change ppl that are like this(trust me I know). You can "Bend" them sometimes but that usually doesnt last long. The differences in your relationship were already beginning to cause problems, why not find someone you are more compatible with most likely it will end up in much less heartbreak for both of you? Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 hey dude! Yeah, I know. I thought exactly that after the fight. But I came to the conclusion that it was MY problem, not his. I did know he cared about me. I guess some people are just not as expressive as the rest. (I am watching Ghost, and the guy is exactly that! lol) Basically, I thought we were compatible enough. Should I not call...? Link to comment
mgirl Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Just call, what have you got to lose? Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 OK. I texted him this morning. I texted wishing him a nice weekend away (he is attending some social thing) and asked if he did receive the email I have sent (so I can have a closure), and said it means so much if he actually read it. He won't reply. I am sure he won't. I hope this will bring the proper closure to me... Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Baxxter, I think theDude hit it on the nail. You really want to be with someone who is more compatible with you. I went out with a very non-affectionate guy and since I am very affectionate, it totally didn't work out. He said he had emotions, but hell if I could see them. I need to see them. It sounds like you do too. Also the fact that he left for such a flimsy reason seems like he is insecure or something. Or maybe he wasn't as serious as you thought. I'm sorry to say that but if he was more committed to you, he wouldn't leave just because you told him a story that illustrates that you want to be with him, not the other guy. Of course I'm a woman so I can't really claim to be an expert at how a guy thinks. I wish you luck with this. Link to comment
mgirl Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 OK. I texted him this morning. I texted wishing him a nice weekend away You want him back don't you? Then, why did you text him rather than call. Phone calls are so much more powerful. All this modern technology actually hinders relationships i think. Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 LillyLooWho Yeah, I know, I know. I thought it was not worth breaking off the thing for, but that indeed causes a big problem down the line. He was affectionate though, if in rooms etc. and I knew he did care for me. Just needed to hear it, and he wasn't gonna. But, yeah, I keep telling myself that he was a wrong match. mgirl coz, I suppose I knew he wouldn't answer the phone (he often misses his calls) and it would be agonizing to wonder if I should call again or not. Txt is a one way communication, and I knew he would read it, so I chose this. Also I was scared sxxt (pardon my language) to hear his voice telling me to go away, which was unlikely to happen but nonetheless. Still no reply.He won't reply. I know. Hope this helps me to get the idea... Link to comment
nina2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 baxxter, your text was not important. It required nothing of him. He doesn't see why it is important that he reads "closure" e-mail. If you want to know that you have done everything to save this relationship, why don't you just go to his place and ask him out for a talk. And ask him only one thing, because the only one thing is really important - does he have feeling for you or not. Because if he does and you do, then you both can still work on understanding each other, work on your trust. If he doesn't then it is good to know. It is much better to break up over absence of feelings then to break up over disagreement in life perception. Everyone is different, it is no news. Feelings for each other empower us to understand, to see and to trust. I would recommend stop being a little abandoned girl and act on it. o not call him for action, act yourself. If he has feelings for you, he will act back. Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 nina2009 that sounds like stalking to me. I don't think nobody has right to show up at the door uninvited if no longer in relationships of any kind; i.e. friendship etc. I think he thinks that we had a closure talk when he dumped me, and it is self explanatory that he no longer has the feelings for me now that he is not responding to my txt. I keep telling myself CONSTANTLY how wrong he was for me and that I will be even more hurt if we were to finish later rather than now. It is hard. I miss him. But I need to feel different. Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Just updating; still no reply. I miss him. I am down, and up, and down. It is very hard... (I won't contact him again.) Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 I feel like I should do just about anything to forget about him and move on. Been "soul searching" a lot, thinking of counseling, taking up a class.... Yet my mind goes wandering off to some self destructive stuff I usually do, like calling up old flames for "quick" fix, I know they are more than happy to oblige. Been even thinking of taking drugs (never have done). Start smoking again is a lot on my mind. Have actually been drinking A LOT. O, and I have not been eating since it happened. So now thinking of a holiday, rather than harming myself. Could someone recommend a good place to go? I am in UK, and can take a week off from work. I must avoid all the places that makes me feel alone and single. (I hate hotels that slap you with "Single Person Surcharge", don't you??) Any recommendations? I am trying to stay positive... Throw me any advise... Link to comment
mgirl Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Ibiza. Don't drink and don't take drugs. Link to comment
actzipild Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Start taking dancing lessons. You'll have a blast. Heh, I know I am. I'll throw in my 2cents regarding your problem: if you care about him and you want to have your chance in a relationship with him then reach out. I was somewhat into his position, having my ex-gf meet with the guy before me. Only that she did not sent him away. At the time I did not realize I was the rebound and it hurt when we broke up. It hurt because I fell for her, because our relationship did not have a chance to blossom and maybe become something beautiful. He might feel the same,. Sending a text is not reaching out. You want to have your chance? Then risk being rejected, take the phone and call him. Not once and then give up. Try several times. Try to reach him through other means (email, snailmail, voicemail, you name it). If you try once and then give up then you are not really trying. Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 mgirl, Ibiza! Sounds great. I should do that, yey. (I am a hardcore raver, and never been there!) But how am I gonna enjoy that without drinking? If you try once and then give up then you are not really trying. OK, I see what you are saying. So what happened to you and your gf? Did she reach out and you took her back? I am a bit confused, as when I found this site I read majord23's post " The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide" and was convinced NC is the only way to go. But I seem to get advices saying otherwise. Maybe that has points, too? Link to comment
actzipild Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 mgirl, OK, I see what you are saying. So what happened to you and your gf? Did she reach out and you took her back? Well, unfortunately nothing happened. It's been two months and she is still taking her space and time. I don't know if she found someone else, I don't know if she did not. We met twice, once intentionally as she invited me to go for a skates ride and once unintentionally (from my part at least) as I was with my friends skating and she was there as well (and she knew I would go as she sometimes reads my blog). I am slowly getting over the break-up as I accepted that there is little I can do and that I need to focus on myself. So I started learning to dance (salsa) and I am having tremendous fun. I have met lots of new people, lots of girls (sometimes I have to dance with 3 girls at the classes as there are not enough guys) but none has yet sparked any feeling. Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sounds like you know you are getting back together someday and that's probably why you think NC is not the way forward? I just don't want to end up being called a stalker. He has his rights to have his own life, and he hasn't been returning my txt etc. and that to me he waishes to be left alone. Aam sure he is glad if I don't contact him again... Link to comment
actzipild Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 In my case I don't know what the future holds. I just live my life and see. I'd surely like to get with her again, as I feel we could have had something extraordinary. Yet, I won't stop my life waiting for her. In your case I'd say you are far from being a stalker yet. You sent him a text message. It's not like you are sending 50 a day plus calling every hour and going to places for him to stumble upon you. Depending on how much you want to get back together with him, you could try to tell him again how you feel. But don't wait for an answer. Get back to your life and live it without him. If he wants to get in touch he knows how to do it. Also, take my advice with a grain of salt. I might be wrong on how to handle this. Link to comment
INeedHelpFast Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 If you truly think it ended for a bad reason, then that is what YOU think. It's terribly hard to make the other person think otherwise. Give it some more time and see how you feel, and see if he is on the same page. It's normal for it to get worse before it gets better. As for him not replying, that is normal. From his perspective, he thinks that you are trying to force it upon him that he was wrong and that you were right. I did the same thing to my ex when she contacted me, I ignored her. You just need to give it more time, hang in there. Link to comment
baxxter Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 If you truly think it ended for a bad reason, then that is what YOU think. It's terribly hard to make the other person think otherwise. Give it some more time and see how you feel, and see if he is on the same page. It's normal for it to get worse before it gets better. As for him not replying, that is normal. From his perspective, he thinks that you are trying to force it upon him that he was wrong and that you were right. I did the same thing to my ex when she contacted me, I ignored her. You just need to give it more time, hang in there. Thank you so much for your advice. I was wondering the psychology behind him ignoring me. OK, now I can kind of understand. Yes, time is the answer. I will just pass more time. I probably need to have quality time with myself. Thank you x Link to comment
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