Breaking the grip of fear

[FD19582]

Hi everyone,

 

I've realized recently just how much fear dominates my life and the decisions I make. For instance --

 

• I work hard at my job because I'm afraid of being fired. Even though I know management thinks well of me I still feel like they would turn around and let me go the moment I slip up. I have a number of ideas on how my work could do business better/more efficiently but I won't share them with management because I'm afraid I'll be blamed if they don't work out.
   
  
• I won't approach women I find attractive because I'm afraid of being rejected or humiliated. I haven't had a relationship in years because of this.
   
  
• I keep people at arm's length (or even push them away) because I'm afraid they'll hurt or take advantage of me.
   
  
• Conversations with me are like pulling teeth because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and looking foolish.
   
  
• I won't go back to school because I'm afraid I won't be able to get my degree. I dropped out of school in the first place, despite having a free ride, because I didn't think I would be capable of finishing.
  

 

And so on and so forth.

 

I believed for a long time that my fear was caused by external things I couldn't control and was therefore permanent and unchangeable, and that I was further justified in being suspicious, angry, and resentful because the world was out to get me if it could. I've since realized that the real root of it comes from personalizing painful events and setbacks throughout my life and treating them as some sort of proof that the world was out to get me or that I didn't measure up somehow.

 

Fear has crippled me as a person and caused me to ignore or throw away friendships, relationships, and opportunities of all kinds. But the fear has been part of me so long that it's like a reflex now and I'm not sure how I can control it.

 

Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of all-pervasive fear and if so, how?

[90_hour_sleep]

well...first of all...you've articulated this very well. it makes perfect sense. i know that you needn't look far to find that many people have experienced the same thing.

 

what lead you to your realizations? for most it takes something substantial to point them inwards...instead of constantly externalizing. do you seek fulfillment in the external world? it sounds like you've realized that this approach inevitably leads to an unfulfilled feeling of profound emptiness. it's like there's a void inside of you that cannot be filled by anything...and your fear continues to feed that void...giving it strength...giving it it's own sense of power over you.

 

have you ever looked into cognitive therapy? not suggesting you need to see a therapist. there are some great books out there that can help you to identify your dysfunctional thought and behavioral patterns. you've already recognized how firmly engrained these things are. that's a huge first step.

that can potentially be the most difficult step to take. once you've become more aware of the conditioned responses that you've been playing out on a constant basis...you can begin to implement new patterns that you see as more positive. it takes time...and patience...but the more aware you become...the less of a factor your fear will play. does that make sense?

 

you learn to not just question your own thoughts...but in a sense...to talk back to them. this is very much a practical approach. it helps to write things down...find a way to consciously become aware of the moments when your compulsive tendencies tend to come up. i've encountered a few people that use a wrist counter to keep track. every time you notice a dysfunctional thought...you make a note of it. gradually...you will become fully aware...and before the thoughts even arise you've already conditioned a new response.

 

i've also found another approach that was helpful. it has to do with the 'ego' (really...it's exactly the same approach...but some find it has too much of a 'spiritual' edge to really absorb). i know for some the idea seems like science fiction...but it can really help you to understand what is really going on. there's a great website that was recommended to me awhile back...a sort of introduction to the whole concept. you may find yourself coming to certain realizations...almost nodding in agreement at the truths that you're being pointed towards.

 

check it out sometime if you get a chance.

 

link removed

 

be patient with yourself. you've been contributing to your patterns for most of your life...so it will take some time to alter...but it's very possible...and very rewarding.

 

wish you the best.

 

cheers

[waveseer]

I agree that suffering from fear is very common. Personally I was stuck in a rut for 9 years due to fear. I had to accept that I was my own worst enemy and my biggest handicap was my own thinking pattern. I had two emotions at the time, okay and not okay. When I was okay it was because I didn't have to produce anything or take any real risks. When I was not okay it was because I did. Slowly but surely I was able to tackle the most basic of tasks and succeed at accomplishing them. Eventually I could no longer see myself as all failure or all loser and my mind opened to other possibilities.

[mca1975]

I suffer from Fear! It controls my life. I haven't flown on a plane for over 5 years because of it, I've turned down lots of opportunities in life, holidays etc.

 

I now have a boyfriend and I hate to say it but he puts up with a lot because of my fears. I wish I could rid myself of them, but I just can't let go of that fear and resentment.... I feel a lot of anger and general horribleness inside, not sure what to do with it.