Any ideas how to get past the anger phase....

[prettymommy]

I've been in it for the past 3 months.... am trying to work through it and forgive (both the ex and myself) but find myself struggling. Am finding it worse than the initial depressive/sadness phase..... I find myself dwelling on it too much and it turns me really negative. Just seeing pictures of him makes me mad at this point.... I just hate him and think he is a controlling, self-centered smuck who is a complete fraud from the image he trys to project of himself.

 

Am reading a book on forgiveness and in it the author states anger is in part due to an attempt to control a situation. I guess it rings true to me, since I felt so much about the end of my relationship with my ex was him making unilateral decisions.

 

Anyways, if anyone has tips/suggestions, I would appreciate it. I exercise almost every day, which helps. But the mental block is just so frustrating. I hate feeling the anger and just want to get to a point where I can feel I have let go, am indifferent about the ex, and can really forgive. I don't like feeling like this angry, bitter gal- I feel it eating at me inside. I also know it is preventing me still from truly moving on and also being open to developing new relationships; I feel too guarded at the moment, still stung from everything of the past year. I have no doubt I'll get there ( I was able to with my ex before where there was cheating involved, and we are still in contact due to our son), but find this in ways harder to move on from than I have experienced in the past.

 

Thanks!

[WomanWriter]

You could keep a journal to your ex...it's helped me. Set aside 20 minutes to write him letters every day, and the rest of the time try not to dwell on him too much.

 

The more angry and insulting you are to him, the better!

 

I know you want to forgive, but you have a lot of pent up resentment that needs to be expressed---so do that safely in a journal or even on here if it's that bad....eventually, it won't be as intense, trust me...that's what I do, and it helps soothe me for a while.

[avman]

Well you know forgiveness is really for you and not for him. Forgiving him doesn't mean you are ok with what he did, or that you want him in your life, or even that you think he's sorry. Forgiveness is all about letting go and telling yourself that you refuse to suffer anymore for the actions of someone else.

 

You said you are exercising and that's fantastic. I'm not sure what kind of exercise you do, but make sure it's really vigorous. Get your heart pumping and really move. Turn your aggression into something healthy. Run harder, swim faster, hit a heavy bag harder. Anything to let all the frustrations out. You will feel so much better when you do this.

 

Journals are great for some people. For others it just makes them dwell on things. So use it if it helps you. Other options include writing down all the hurts and pain that he caused you, and then burning the sheets of paper. It's very cleansing.

 

And of course spend lots of time with your son. Focus on happy things together with him. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood when you have a young child giggling like crazy with you.

[Chickenjuice]

I have to agree about the exercise part. I've always exercised regularly, but since we broke up I have gone running almost every single day, and if I miss a day, my mood gets worse. If you are someone who doesn't exercise, you could just try it and see if it makes you feel better.

[SighSob]

I wish I knew. I would really like to forgive my ex and move on. It's just that something in my gut tells me that she doesn't deserve forgiveness for the horrible way she dumped me for someone else. Hope it will eventually pass with time...best wishes to you too, we'll make it.

[allgood]

I have to agree about the exercise part. I've always exercised regularly, but since we broke up I have gone running almost every single day, and if I miss a day, my mood gets worse. If you are someone who doesn't exercise, you could just try it and see if it makes you feel better.

 

i agree, exercise does wonders...i was running 11pm - 1am time range in my first week of breakup everynight just so i can sleep....crazy times

 

even now exercise is wat keeps me sane...got sick so took a week off and ended up breaking down twice....better now so getting back into it monday...

exercise releases endorphins which is the happy hormone

 

chickenjuice is right do what works for you - all the best!!

[coolchick64]

I don't have anything constructive to add here. I'm just starting to get angry. Really angry. Sometimes I think I genuinely hate him, which is very strange for me after loving him so much. I have a feeling this phase is going to last quite a while . . .

[lavenderdove]

the good news is anger does eventually burn itself out. One day you just wake up and say to yourself, well, that's done and i'm tired of feeling bad... and you stop being angry.

 

The worst anger is anger you feel at yourself as well, for feeling stupid or feeling used. Most people go thru a stage where they alternate between being mad at the ex, then mad at themselves!

 

So recognize it is like a splinter working it's way out, and it will pass. With anger, sometimes the best way to snap out of it is to do something that just jolts you out of your rut and dwelling on it.

 

Could you take a little vacation somewhere doing something that is totally different than your normal life that will keep you active, perhaps sightseeing or hiking or something physical? A change of scenery can really help, even if it's only a weekend away doing something fun. When you get home again, it may have changed your perspective enough to snap you out of it.

 

Also, during the anger stage is a good time to put away all the pictures and reminders of him. Burn them or give them away if necessary. Many people have a little rite of passage they do, where they gather up all the reminders and burn them or carry them to the dumpster, then celebrate with friends that you've banished that bad romance from your life, and all the reminders as well.

[prettymommy]

I exercise everyday, and have for the past year. It's either a 4-5mile run at a 9:00-9:30 pace (quick for a shortly like me!) or 1.5 hours on resistance weights with a quick run at the end doing sprint intervals. So, tho the exercise helps (and trust me, I allow my brain to turn to anger thoughts of him when I am feeling tired, in order to give me a burst of energy..), it does not stop the mind.....

 

I do realize forgiveness is more for myself than for him. That is why I want to get past this phase so bad..... cause I feel like it is wasted energy, yet, it feels almost impossible to resist it....

 

I read some quote today from a mother who lost her teenage son due to heatstroke during a football practice.... she said " I can forgive, I am just not ready yet." I guess in some ways it rings true to me..... I want to, yet find myself unwilling to still....

 

I know one day I will snap out of it. With my son's father, it was like a lightning bolt; we had been separated for 5 months, and I knew he was still involved with the college co-ed he left me for (he was 37 at the time). I asked him if she /"it" was worth everything- breaking up our home, the effects on our son, etc. He gave me some self-centered answer..... everything to do with how HE wasn't happy- not about the pain he caused me or our son. In an instance, I was given the closure I needed to move on. I can't describe it really- I just knew I was finally done with him. Within a month I started dating again and within 3 months I met the current ex.... So I know one day I should snap, and I just need to be patience. I guess, for me though, unlike with my son's father, this current split felt like not only a betrayal of me, but a betrayal of my son. As a single mother, for those of us that are there, it is SOOOOOOOOO critical that we trust our SO's with our children. And I did with my ex. So for my son to be the breaking point in my relationship with my ex (so he claims)... well, I just feel more betrayed than I did when my son's father and I split. At least then it was just between me and him. This time, it involves my son, and that is a bitter, nasty pill to swollow. I don't doubt I am better off at this point without the current ex, but given that he acted, said, and told me he was totally accepting of my son and my situtation and his father, and then to turn on me almost 2 years in and say the oppposite... well, it makes it difficult for me to believe I can EVER again believe another man to tell me the truth about his feelings regarding my son and my being a single parent. And it makes me feel betrayed and lied to the entire time I was with the current ex....

 

And that's not even getting into all the mainpuation I felt he inflicted on me after his rebound dumped him....

 

Unfortunatley, given the circumstances, my current ex and I will be in contact again. We have mutual friends in common at this point, friends who hang out with each other. I am actively trying to avoid the ex since my confrontation with him 3 weeks ago (which resulted in him deleting me off his FB friend's list) yet, b/c of our mutual friends, I still see him tagged in photos and such. I hate it. I'll be honest- I want to see him suffer. He comes off so happy and carefree in the photos I see, and I just want to scream to the world what a putz he is...

 

I know it's probably a facade.... he has even admitted to avoiding things so he doesn't have to deal, which we all know in the end it will all catch up with him and then some, and he will be suffering more than I am at this point, but still..... I hate seeing it. I just want to scream to the world what a selfish, controlling, insecure, freak he is (or, at least I how I percieve him to be). I hate that I allowed him to get away with so much. I was so scared of pushing him away- I thought he was such a great catch- and I was (and, sadly, still am, so attracted to him physically) that I let so much go....

 

Anyways, so I have the exercising part down. All momentos from him are in a box in my attic which is not easily accessible. It's just the mental I am struggling through at the moment.

 

I just hate it... I hate to admit this, and I don't want to come off self-centered or egotistical, but I have come to the conclusion I am EXTREMELY attractive. I wasn't always, I was a bit of an ugly duckling in my teens, but I've come into my own in my 20's, to the point now, where at 32 and one kid later, most guys mistake me for being in my mid-20's (even my twin bro, when taking a recent pic of me, said "Crap- you look like you're just 20 in this photo!"). I can't go out anywhere without being hit on by someone. Just tonight I had two guys come up to me, hit on me, and ask for my number. Yesterday it was some dude in the gym. Two a night (exchanging #'s) is a fairly typical night for me at this point in my life. And that's even when I mind my own business and act like a wall flower (and I have always been more of an introvert, so being a wall flower is truer to my character). Yet, I hate it, and don't want to give these guys the time of day cause of all the pent up rage and anger I still feel about everything that went down with my ex. I just think "well, it will just be more of the same." So I give the guys my number, then make up excuses why they're not good enough for me, and blow them off. Heck- I've even gone on a few dates and slept with someone else since the most recent split with my ex, yet, my emotional attachment probably borders on 10-20%; if I have nothing else to do and am bored and lonely, then I'll reach out to these dudes. It's a new feeling for me, cause I've never slept with someone or gone on a date with someone if I haven't genuinely felt interested. Now, it's just like I am going through the motions. I am pretty upfront about it (i.e., not looking for anything, just kind of want to be selfish with my time right now..... ) but still, it's not anything I've ever experienced before and it has me off kelter.

 

 

Anyways, I am taking a week of vacation next week. My son and I have some fun outings planned for Mon & Tue., and then Wed- Sun we will be down about 5 hours south of here at the beach. It will be my first "real" vacation in a year since the split (in that it's not to an area where I've been before or have family), so it will be good to get away from this area and the memories . I am hoping that helps and gives me some fresh perspective too. Being with my son is always healing as well; gives me balance...

 

I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Journaling doesn't really do it for me. I guess posting here is more than a journal, if nothing else....

 

I just want to get past the anger. I want to not care anymore, and I want to feel free to be open to accepting someone new in my life. Heck- I don't even care about that- I just want to get to the point where I can move on without regret, anger, and bitterness, and feel my future is better than the false promises of the past..

[lavenderdove]

I just wanted to say i think the problem with your ex has never been your son... your ex just sounds really self centered, and ANY child will interfere with his focus totally on his own needs and himself.

 

I find it actually quite terrible that he would even hint that the problem was your son... he has to be smart enough to know that the worst thing you could do to hurt a mother is say bad things about their child, so it is a very mean spirited and truly nasty thing for him to do, and i can't help but think this guy has some really serious problems of his own to jerk women around the way he does, and to be so immature at his age.

 

So i think you have always given his ramblings too much credit... it sounds like he is so self centered he just rambles out anything passing thru his mind at the moment based on his mood, and that he wants the world to revolve around himself and no one else, including a child. I just don't think he's a very nice/good person, and you had high hopes for him, but he just didn't live up to them.

 

So just conitnue with your plans to vacation, and one day you'll wake up and realize he wasn't so great, and those other guys will start to look good.

 

btw, if you are meeting good guys, then you might tell them up front that you are getting over a breakup and are not in the right frame of mind to date right now, but could you take a rain check and perhaps call them in a couple months when you're feeling better? That way they'll know you might be interested and aren't just blowing them off, just not ready to date yet.

[HighRoad]

Well, I would go and see a good counselor and talk these things out with her/him. I mean, they are really trained to hear all the things we say and then somehow stop, and spin it into gold. Like the old fairy tale, but it's true.

 

They can stop and pick out the repetitious things we say, the ways we foil ourselves, or how we are deluding ourselves with some hidden mental block. It stinks when they do because you feel like crap! has my slip been showing all this time and I never even knew it? or like you had some broccoli on your face from lunch and no one at work ever told you ALL afternoon.

 

I think our blindsides and our inner 'faults' are seen by everyone but us; our friends just say, well that's how Jenny is or whatever. But, if you really want to change who you pick as a partner or how you go about getting your needs met, then I find for myself that a good counselor is worth everything. You sound like a happy, pretty person who is very attractive to men, all you need to do is tweak how you respond to men and which men you invite into your life. And that is definitely in your control. You are definitely NOT powerless over that.

 

Good luck !

[mgirl]

Ibut given that he acted, said, and told me he was totally accepting of my son and my situtation and his father, and then to turn on me almost 2 years in and say the oppposite...

 

Has it ever occurred to you that he meant what he said but changed his mind (perhaps the circumstances changed). Coming from somebody who knows (me), it is a big ask asking somebody to take on your past - the children and the former partner that (unfortunately) comes with it. Being with somebody with kids seems like you're always compromising and giving up what you want because of the "kids". Maybe he wants his own family rather than an inherited "pre-made" family, if you know what i mean.

 

Just trying to present the other side of the situation. Whilst i understand it would be hard to find / trust somebody with your child/ren, it is also hard for the person taking it on. Perhaps he was giving up his dreams.

[amure]

dont put blame on yourself, or get angry at yourself.

make sure you stay as happy and peacful as possible, possitive thoughts and company are the best medicines.

[mgirl]

dont put blame on yourself, or get angry at yourself.

make sure you stay as happy and peacful as possible, possitive thoughts and company are the best medicines.

 

Or, try seeing it from the other person's point of view, and then you might not be so angry...

[prettymommy]

Has it ever occurred to you that he meant what he said but changed his mind (perhaps the circumstances changed). Coming from somebody who knows (me), it is a big ask asking somebody to take on your past - the children and the former partner that (unfortunately) comes with it. Being with somebody with kids seems like you're always compromising and giving up what you want because of the "kids". Maybe he wants his own family rather than an inherited "pre-made" family, if you know what i mean.

 

Just trying to present the other side of the situation. Whilst i understand it would be hard to find / trust somebody with your child/ren, it is also hard for the person taking it on. Perhaps he was giving up his dreams.

 

Yes, some of what you said was said in one form or another. But the circumstances never changed- my custody arrangement was always the same- I have my son every other weekend and Wed-Fri each week- so while I have lots of time with my child, I also have lots of free time as well. The relationship I have with my son's father actually improved quite a bit while I was with my current ex as well (in that the tension eased and the arguing stopped). My ex's feelings simply changed and he no longer wanted to be responsible.

 

HOWEVER.... for it to occur TWO years into the relationship, TWO years after he took on the role of a pseudo-father to my child.... is pretty sick and twisted IMHO. He knew for TWO years what was involved and only in the last 6 months did he start suggesting it was an issue for him. For 1.5 prior he had NO problem with it (and his feelings on the issue had been discussed and he always told me he loved my son and enjoyed spending time with him). And not only did he break my heart in the end, he broke my child's as well.

 

I certainly do not underestimate the responsability of taking on someone else's children, trust me. I question if I could do it, but for that very reason I choose NOT to get involved with someone with children of their own. I would never go into that situation if I had any doubts given the ramifications it could have on the child. But my ex never expressed any of those doubts or questions (he actually expressed quite the opposite) and he certainly was not giving up some dream when he got involved with us b/c he's acheived EVERYTHING at that point- successful career, an advanced degree from an Ivy League, expensive toys (cars, water toys), 3 properties, plenty of hobbies. He just decided after two years he didn't like children and didn't want the responsability.

 

I'm sorry, but if you get involved with someone with children, you better be DAMN sure you are okay with the children/extended family aspect. To blame the demise on the relationship after TWO years due to something that was upfront at the get go.... and in such a cruel manner (telling a child's mother you think her child is a baby and you can't stand the child....) I'm sorry. That is just plain WRONG.

 

Not to mention that as a single parent, to trust someone else outside family with your children and their best interests... If you are not a parent, you CANNOT begin to phathom what that means. The significance of that. It's so much more valuable than me giving my heart to someone.... So for someone to turn on me and tell me my SIX YEAR OLD child is a "BABY" and he "CAN'T STAND HIM...." I KNOW I am so better off, but to hell if I'm not pissed off eternally at him and am struggling to forgive something I find very unforgivable. My ex had the unconditional love of a young child and he turned it on him and crapped on it. My six year old acts like a baby? Well, of course! He was still in diapers just 3 years prior- what the hell did he expect! What a freaking control freak! And then to sit there a year later and deny he said those things to a woman he claims to love about her child...

 

I'm sorry, but it is very hard for me to understand your side of it. If you even had an IOTA of an idea you might be uncomforatable with the situation, you should not have gotten involved with you prior partner and their children, and, if like my ex's case, got our families (i.e. our parents and extended families) intertwined.... just three weeks before we split we were on an extended vacation with his cousin, her husband, and their three children....

 

All I see from my perspective is that someone who gets involved with someone with children and decides YEARS down the road that they are not comfortable with a situation that was upfront at the get go is selfish. Selfish b/c they had to know upfront they had doubts about the situation and choose to be selfish with their longings/desires and not act in the best interest of the parent they cared for... which be to let them go at the get go to find a partner who has little hesitation about being a step-parent to a beautiful, funny, very intelligent, loving child. Three years of my life have now been wasted now on a partner who was probably NEVER comfortable with the idea of being a step-parent or children and who was just to selfish and cowardly to be upfront about it from the start of the realtionship...... I'm sorry, but no matter how much I try to see it from your perspective, and no matter how much I know now I am better off not to be in that relationship now, I cannot help but be angry that someone mislead me about his true feelings and wasted my time and energy and that of my child's on something that had no future. It makes me angry and I resent I was mislead by someone who was too much of a coward to be upfront about his feelings and instead decided to selfishly allow things to continue for two years and then some.

 

Of course, this is all just one aspect of the demise. None of this addresses all the other stuff that happened over the past year...

 

I just think I am not ready to forgive yet. One day I will. I am just not there yet and need to accept that. I am still upset for myself and allowing my feelings to be manipulated and I am upset for my son. What do you think this whole damn experience has taught him?