Please help me decide what to do. Any men out there I would really appreciate your imput

[butrflyblue]

Hi Everyone,

 

Any advise would be so appreciated. I have been dating a man for 7 months that I have developed deep feelings for. A couple of weeks ago we were on a weekend outing to the mountains and he said that he really likes me and cares deeply for me but that due to the fact that I have been married before and have children I was not what he envisioned for his future and so he had been struggling with this. This really hurt me and I was honest about it and we talked about it and everything seemed fine. I was honest from the beginning about having children and two of the three are grown. I have a very good career and raised them pretty much by myself. I have a great family and friends and just never felt that he would have an issue because he knew about this from the beginning. In fact at first I told him that it was probably best we did not date as I had children and he had never had children or been married. But he assured me it was not a problem. We have not spoken of it again but I don't want to get hurt or waste time with someone that does not see me as anything but entertainment for the moment. Gentlemen please, and ladies if you have had a similar experience, tell me what you think I should do. I would be devastated to end things because we have a great time together and have strong feelings for him. But if he truly feels this way what is the point?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he doesn't want instant family then there is not much you can do. Sometimes people have a certain image of what they want in a partner but that goes out the window when they fall in love..they adapt to it. How old are your children?

[In the Dark]

The fact you have children to another man IS an issue to him.

It may give him a sense of insecurity, knowing that you have this permanent tie with your husband.

 

If anything, he will have to deal with his issue in his head.

Either to let it all go or realize this is it.

 

Time will tell.

 

Men obviously prefer a woman without children.

But looking past that can be quite difficult for some.

Especially men who have not had a family of thier own.

[Keyman]

I think you you did the best you could at the beginning to let him know about the situation with the kids etc and because he did not have any.

 

You need to sit him down and have a deep conversation about it again, and just determine if he is able to go through with it. If he is beginning to struggle with the idea, it may only get worse. You need to ascertain from him if it is, in fact, going to get worse, and if it is, then you need to bite the bullet and end it.

 

It is a hard situation for both sides. I have never been married or have any kids, ut have had some genuine offers by single diorced mothers that I have kept at arms length (only getting involved with the first) because I don't want a ready made family. I do know that many men are like this, and while perhaps a bit selfish, I would rather begin a family of my own than pick up the reins of someone elses.

[seinfien]

I AM YOUR MAN YOU DESCIBE. I am in an identical relationship. For me it works I love the kids as much as i do her. Sometimes the ex can be difficult to deal with cause of who and what he is. I look past that issue. If he is having trouble then I feel he is trying to be polite in letting you down, and its to much for him to handle. I have never mentioned it to my girlfriend because it is tryly not an issue, that I worry about. If I was to ever mention it then I now its time to part ways.

[kaz1]

It sounds to me like you are over analyzing his comment. As a matter of fact I think you might be seeing it exactly opposite to how he meant it. If he has been with you for 7 months and he wasn't trying to break it off with you at the time. I think what he meant to say was that he sees a future with you.

[RomanticAthart]

I don;t think the guy is beign unrealistic shuttlefish, I think what she said to him in the beginning of their relationship was rather condensing imho "In fact at first I told him that it was probably best we did not date as I had children and he had never had children or been married."

 

I see alot of people who have HAD children, who think of people who have NOT had children yet, with a rather tainted view.. like they don;t measure up...or they are second class citizens... simply cuz they have NOT had children yet, or been married yet..

 

I think that you made him feel bad about being single and not being a father yet... that is my viewpoint...

 

Obviously if he did not want to be with a woman who had children then he would of NOT dated her in the first place..... My two cents.

[Gilgamesh]

Seems to me the guy is still "dealing with it" he has never had kids, so he may just be "uncomfortable" around them. or it could be something like jealousy or being self centered.

 

You really have to communicate about the relationship and make choices, are you willing to just keep this as just a buddy companion type relationship? or do you really desire a husband that accepts you and your children ?

 

I went through heck in various relationships (thats how i found enotalone) , before finding my ideal wife, we have been married for 3 years now, and we love each other immensely, we both have been married previously, she has 2 daughters, and I love them as if they were my own. and now we have a baby on the way, only weeks away now.

 

anyway, at first, I felt a bit odd with children aspect. but then all of a sudden I had this great family, and it feels great.

 

So you can try and give this guy a chance, but if he never breaks out of this "block" he has, and what you really want is a husband, then you should jus move on.

 

But if your happy with just having someone to be with once in a while like you are now, then no problem, but then you wouldnt be here at enotalone if you were happy with the way things are now,,, right?

[shes2smart]

A couple of weeks ago we were on a weekend outing to the mountains and he said that he really likes me and cares deeply for me but that due to the fact that I have been married before and have children I was not what he envisioned for his future and so he had been struggling with this.

 

Is this the first time you've heard about what he envisioned for his future?

 

Because if it is the first time you're hearing about this, and I was in your position, I'd be furious right now.

 

I have a great family and friends and just never felt that he would have an issue because he knew about this from the beginning. In fact at first I told him that it was probably best we did not date as I had children and he had never had children or been married. But he assured me it was not a problem.

 

Well, apparently it is some sort of problem...otherwise why would he say he's "struggling?" What's to "struggle" with here, really - you were honest from day one about a prior marriage and children. Not like you could go back and change your past to make those things not exist. So, he knew what he was getting and he also (presumably) knew what he was envisioning for his future. The two things did not match, did they? I also would've been inclined to suggest there was no point in pursuing anything right at the beginning, as you did.

 

I don't have a problem with people deciding they don't want partners who were previously married or people who have children. We all get to choose what we want when it comes to mate selection. The thing is, though, if someone decides they don't want a partner who was previously married or has kids (or both), then the burden of that choice is on THEM. That means they have the courtesy, respect and self-discipline to pass on people who do not meet their criteria....even if they find those people interesting or attractive.

 

From what you've posted (which I'm sure is only a small part of the larger story) it sounds like he had those criteria, didn't mention them from the start (or downplayed how important they were to him) and then proceded to use your time (...almost a year's worth!) to figure out if he could be flexible with those critiera.

 

So, personally, I'd be fairly well pissed off in this situation. But I suspect I may have a different view of time than other people. It really annoys me when others decide to spend or waste my time while they try and figure out what they want to do. I have no doubt other people are probably more tolerant in this area than I am. Depending on one's views on it, anger may not be an appropriate response, but it sure would be the most likely one for me.