After 4 years, still not healed...

[Orlander]

Enotalone Post

 

Today in the garage I actually looked down at the box I had been tripping over for months. It was half open and I recognized the contents and realized it was the box of memorabilia from my last relationship that ended 4 years ago.

 

I only pulled out a couple of items before putting everything back and taping the box and putting it away. It all still hurts so much. The items I did see were reminders of someone I shared something with that I never had before, nor since.

 

I stopped posting here for the most part over 2 years ago but it doesn’t mean that I’ve healed, moved on and found someone else. No day goes by where I don’t think about her. I’m sure I have romanticized the relationship or just have not yet processed/accepted what happened in order to really move on and find someone else. Maybe, or maybe life is just about living with pain and dealing with regret and the past.

 

Ironic that now in my life I have so much that I worked so hard for, yet none of it means much to me. I haven’t found anyone that makes me feel the way she made me feel. I haven’t been able to give my heart to anyone.

 

It’s been 4 years. I’m in my mid 30’s now and I haven’t gotten over her I guess…and all attempts to do so have failed. I have my work, my dog, a couple of friends and a close family member, but that’s all. I often can't sleep because of thoughts of being alone and of missing her.

 

How do people do it? Move on and find someone else after loving someone so much? I don’t suppose it helps living in such an awful city like Vegas, where I live currently, but maybe it is a reason I’m still single.

 

How do you love again after you’ve lost someone that loved you so much and who was someone who you believed in so much and respected so much?

 

I’m out of ideas.

[hockeyboy]

Hey man...haven't seen you around here in some time.

 

Have you considered throwing that box of things away rather then keep tripping over it? I don't think everyone has to do this...but it may be good for you.

 

Are you stuck in Vegas? Could you move? Would you want to?

 

Have you talked to a therapist at all in the past 4 years?

[Puckdog27]

You start by finding someone else to love. Have you had any relationships in the past 4 years? Have you tried?

[FortunateOne]

Hey buddy, hang in there and it's great to see you back. Have you considered cognative therapy? You may want to recognize the psychological triggers to this mindset and Lerner how to automactically avoid relapsing into the loss.

[melissag87]

It must be so hard for you 4 years and you're still not over it? It's been 4 months for me and i'm not over my breakup...i've tried countless times to get him back and i'm even seeing a therapist. I don't understand how people can just "move on" and find love again. I honestly feel like i'll never find someone that I can love so much again...or trust. I hope you do find someone else. How long did you date her for? Do you still speak to her?

[icarus27]

Orlander,

 

You don't know me, but your posts years ago helped me so much. I even printed some of the threads and kept re-reading them as affirmations to myself.

 

I can't say much to help, friend, but just wanted to reach out.

[waveseer]

I can relate, still trying to exorcise the last few remnants of my ex. I am 95% of the way there and it has been a very trying process. Don't give up, you can heal.

[Me and myself]

Oi Orlander

 

Remember me?

 

I came back here too...yesterday!

 

I'm healed from the girl that brought me here, 3 years ago. I haven't forgot what happened and sometimes I think about her too. But today I already accept that she was not the girl to me simply because we have completely different life habits.

 

Nowadays I can be under the same ceiling with her. In fact, last time we met, in a bar, the night ended with us side-by-side but back-to-back. Me talking to my friend and she talking to her boyfriend.

Basicaly it all happened as she was not there.

 

But still today, from the times I met her, I had the feeling that she's not very confortable near me. I don't feel very confortable too, but as I was the one who was hurt the most, today I'm the one who care less.

 

I have accepted but not forgot it. Today I still regret the way how things happened, some things I've done, some things she said that I should not have accepted. That is the only thing that still makes me feel unconfortable and, therefore, somehow connected to her. That's what is called in psychology as a "negative anchor".

 

Maybe that's what's happening to you, be it a negative or a positive one.

 

M&M

[jettison]

I can relate to some degree. I have been broken up with my 10 year for 4 years, and my love affair that followed for almost 3. The combination of both those breakups was a lot to bare. There is no one that could ever replace my 10 year... only something/someone different. And there is no one that will ever replace my love affair that followed because it was so intense and emotional for both of us. It's like Florence Nightingale syndrome.

 

For those reasons, I've found it hard to dive right in and completely open myself to someone new, but I'm trying. Mostly, I go out of my way to connect with friends, both male and female, and learn to keep myself open as often as I'm able. Do understand though, as I'm sure you already do, that what you remember now of your ex is a mental shrine to her memories and not the person themselves. She doesn't exist anymore, and she's merely a shadow of days gone by.

 

When you truly understand that you may as well be thinking about a comic book character rather then your ex, and that that character is no less or more real then your connection with your ex, it will be easier to truly let her go and then really open yourself up for someone new.

 

When I look back on my 10 year, I truly miss how much in love we were with each other.... in year 3. NOT in year 8 through 10 however. Being in love is often about a journey and not a destination. We're most in love when we allow ourselves to experience things that might be painful or uncomfortable, that are scary and challenging. That's romantic love. If you want that again, you have to become a supreme risk taker with your heart, just as you were when you found your ex and fell in love with her.

[soheartbroken]

Maybe this is a stupid question, but have you been to a therapist? Perhaps you have issues that go back before the breakup, that exacerbate the situation (like you've been abandoned before by a parent or something).

 

Maybe you need to go through that box and have a good cry. I haven't read your previous posts, but did you totally grieve or did you dull your emotions at some point?

 

Obviously I'm not an expert on these things, just my thoughts. You must be coping to some extent otherwise you would not have made it 4 years! Maybe you need to do something drastic - move away or something. Have you spoken to her recently?

[catfeeder]

This isn't intended to be harsh, but I think you already know that it isn't some lover's job to come along and heal your heart in order for you to let go. It's a decision.

 

Anybody who'd be willing to play therapist with you has a problem of their own, while a real therapist is objective and can at least guide you toward seeing the difference between "can't" and "won't".

 

Investing in the idea that you'll be rescued is not going to move you beyond the place where you are today. That's not a finger-wag, because we're each entitled to take as long as it takes to opt for happiness over suffering.

 

It sounds as though you may have come here because you're ready to take that leap. So the question becomes, what are you willing to do to help yourself--and what are you not willing to do?

 

In your corner.

[Ellie2006]

 

How do you love again after you’ve lost someone that loved you so much and who was someone who you believed in so much and respected so much?

 

I’m out of ideas.

 

I am as clueless as you are but I have to ask: is it your ex you want back or the closeness you shared with her? The latter, I believe, CAN be reproduced with someone else but with its own unique qualities that characterizes this new relationship.

 

And as many others have said before, that relationship with your ex from way back may be difficult to retrieve in its original form as you have changed, she has changed, and hence the dynamic between you two will be different. Just as one cant really go home again, it is near impossible, imho, to recreate the past, no?

 

I dont know. I think everyone gets reminiscent about the past, some more than others. Some are more successful, it seems to me, in burying the past and focusing on the present, whereas for others, this past is a tangible presences in their current life.

 

I fall into the latter group of people and in the past, I thought that this trait of mine was kind of a curse (or something innate) that I could never get rid of. Now I see it's really a choice that you make.

 

As someone advised above, would you consider getting rid of the box of memorabilia? It might be more of a symbolic gesture but one that effects positive result, nonetheless.

 

Take care of yourself and good to see you back.

[Orlander]

Hey man...haven't seen you around here in some time.

 

Have you considered throwing that box of things away rather then keep tripping over it? I don't think everyone has to do this...but it may be good for you.

 

Are you stuck in Vegas? Could you move? Would you want to?

 

Have you talked to a therapist at all in the past 4 years?

good to hear from you again. Been awhile. How have you been?

 

I don't think I could bring myself to throw the things away or the box. I taped it back up and moved it but I wanted to keep the box to remind me of what it was like to really be loved and have a great, kind, loving relationship...while it lasted. She's the best thing that ever happened to me...or maybe now...the worst.

 

I'm somewhat stuck in Vegas. I support my father and until a few short months ago, I was supporting my mother also. wherever I move, I would need to make sure I had enough to help my father out. I'm getting out of here in a year...but money is good for me here, 6 figures good...and that's a tough addiction to give up.

 

I'd love to move back to Orlando, but fear that it's primarily due to the memories i had there and not what would be there for me now or in the future.

[Orlander]

You start by finding someone else to love. Have you had any relationships in the past 4 years? Have you tried?

 

One of the reasons I could never commit fully to my ex was because I always felt I wanted something more...well, I found what I thought I wanted. I've dated doctors, lawyers, dancers, models, gorgeous women, plain women, women who wanted sex only, women who wanted the world...and they all have paled in comparison to what I had with my ex. So, it's been about a year since I really dated. I've been best friends with a beautiful woman that i've gotten to know very well and we had spent a lot of time together but I never felt a spark there really and now she is dating someone. Never knew if anything was really there but never took a chance...just didn't "feel" right.

[Orlander]

Hey buddy, hang in there and it's great to see you back. Have you considered cognative therapy? You may want to recognize the psychological triggers to this mindset and Lerner how to automactically avoid relapsing into the loss.

Last year about this time I was seeing a therapist. I saw him for about 6 months. How did that end? It ended after I realized the sessions were more about me giving him advice..business advice and personal advice. We even worked together briefly after our sessions ended when I went free lance/started my own business.

 

The whole thing soured me on therapy. though, I admit it would likely be very good for me now.

[Orlander]

It must be so hard for you 4 years and you're still not over it? It's been 4 months for me and i'm not over my breakup...i've tried countless times to get him back and i'm even seeing a therapist. I don't understand how people can just "move on" and find love again. I honestly feel like i'll never find someone that I can love so much again...or trust. I hope you do find someone else. How long did you date her for? Do you still speak to her?

 

Thank you for your response, Melissag87. My ex and I dated for 4 years..which makes this month so hard cause it marked the 4 year anniversary we have been apart. She's married now and I have attempted to look her up or contact her since I found out she was engaged in Jan. of 2007.

 

She's the only long term girlfriend I really dont talk to or even know anything about...I'm friends or acquaintances with all my others.

 

I'm absolutely in shock at times that it's been 4 years and that im still single. Lightening striking twice and all..it feels like an imposibility that i'll find anyone. though, I do admit it was seemingly easier to find decent women to date in Orlando than here in Vegas. It sucks here.

 

Keep positive, Melissag87. I don't think everyone goes through what i'm going through. The far majority of people move on to find someone else whom they can love and often times love more and deeper.

[Orlander]

Orlander,

 

You don't know me, but your posts years ago helped me so much. I even printed some of the threads and kept re-reading them as affirmations to myself.

 

I can't say much to help, friend, but just wanted to reach out.

 

Thank you, icarus27. I'm so very glad some of my posts helped others. As is common however, it's easier to give sound advice than take it.

 

I wondered if posting this thread would bring others pause, reservations regarding their own ability to move on and find love. For that, I really do apologize. I wouldn't say that i'm a special case...i just think there are factors that I am obviously not able to address affectively that prevent me from moving on...be it an attachment to the past or unrealistic expectations or ability to maintain a relationship. This seems like a case of "physician heal thyself". Im sure I need assistance...so I turn to you all my friends.

[Orlander]

Welcome back M&M. I'm glad you have moved on. Yes, we all make mistakes in the way we handle our broken hearts and I think that's the easiest thing to deal with, at least it has been for me. I don't regret the things I said to her nor really the things she said to me during that time. There's so much confusion, so much pain and uncertainty that people can say just about anything. I'm happy though as I handled my anger, resentment and pain somewhat fairly well...unlike previous relationships where curse words and items thrown at walls were involved.

 

I reread a few things I wrote days after she broke it off completely for good about 3 years ago and i'm surprised at some of the things I wrote, which obviously she didnt read. Man, emotions can really suck but it was better to get the words out on paper instead of unleashing them on her.

[atelis]

orlando, i don't know how to offer help, but in your opening post you mentioned regret.......this suggests that perhaps you felt you did something (or not do something) in your relationship that triggered the break-up?

 

Perhaps you haven't forgivven yourself and carrying around guilt for so long can really make it difficult to open yourself up to love again. Is there a lot of guilt that you are carrying around with you? perhaps not only from that relationship, but one's prior to that and even your relationship with parents etc?

[Orlander]

Its truly the hangman's noose, these memories we keep of love that is gone. i agree, she doesn't exist anymore in the capacity as I remember her...though there is a belief that my own happiness is merely a phone call away...calling her to profess my love and the potential, however of a remote chance it might be, of her dismissing her current relationship to be with me again. I say this because she fell in love with someone very quickly and i am certain there was a significant transference of feelings there. One of the things I fought with was how easily it was, seemingly, for her to move on to someone new. I thought I would never find someone like her again...and so far...I have been right.

 

i want her to be happy, so I dont try to contact her. I made mistakes during the relationship and she did. We differ on religion now so i dont think that even know it could work...so it's obvious I need to let it go and move on, right? Tell me why I haven't

[Orlander]

Thank you for your post. I really came here because i'm out of ideas. The box of memorabilia and seeing a written note by a woman who professed such gratitude and love for me seems like such a foreign concept to me today...that such love even exists. I am seemingly surrounded by people who have deep problems and have no one really to turn to mentor me on life or love. Yes, we all have issues, but my life seems barren of meaning and any real life. I came here because I know myself and while I am not at my rope's end I am close to losing myself and the very meaning of love.

[Orlander]

I have little problem thinking and hoping that I meet someone that can give me a meaningful and loving relationship...someone whom to fall in love with and enjoy everything that that entails. However, it hasnt happened yet so it leads me to believe it wont. Every new relationship, up till this one, was better than the one before. So, what happened to make it 4 years since ive seen a woman's love for me on her face (much more than that, actually)?? The women I meet seem vapid and severely lacking. I've had a number of relationships where I met a woman and we just clicked...something happened, a spark, etc. I haven't had that happen yet...not even once. Well, almost twice actually...but they were not really compatible with me (one was moving out of town soon and the other is my best friend and someone whom is pretty closed off emotionally).

[jenna981]

I thought I was in a bad spot, it's been almost year now for me, and he still slips in my mind everyday. seeing things, hearing songs can still remind me of times with him. I still have some gifts (some are expensive clothes and some jewelry so I don't want to just throw them away, dunno what to do with them atm) and pics I don't want to look at, because I'm afraid it will reopen old wounds, but I keep them, I hope one day I can look at them and not feel anything, or maybe even smile.

 

I don't know the details of your breakup. what has helped me is to learn things from the past relationship- my mistakes, things I put up with that I shouldn't have, his mistakes, not to be so desperate and waste so much time to try and get them back if I happen to get dumped again I feel I learned enough from that one relationship to make the next one more successful and it made me look more forward to the next one.

 

I have to ask too, if you have tried looking again? I find it helps to just try talking and going out with new people, even if they turn out to be duds. just having a crush for a few weeks and feeling that feeling of lusting over someone else and finding new guys attractive and knocking the ex off the pedestal feels like a big relief after the pain of just missing them.

 

nvm- I just seen you responded to the other posts. Some people just have worse luck than others finding someone, I haven't had any success finding someone new either. I know what you mean it seemed easier to click with someone before the last relationship. I don't know if you were really hurt or the details, but I think after some people get hurt so badly it changes them. I think it closes some people up and to be not so open to love, and they don't even notice these changes.

[thistime]

Orlander, do you know her relationship status right now?

[Me and myself]

Hey Orlander

 

It seems you're really confused about what you feel and what's causing it. By reading your posts, you seem so overwhelmed. The confusion is huge and you don't know where to start to disentangle it.

 

The good thing about these forums is that we can see what people are really telling us between the lines

 

See the quote of one of your posts:

 

i agree, she doesn't exist anymore in the capacity as I remember her...though there is a belief that my own happiness is merely a phone call away...calling her to profess my love and the potential, however of a remote chance it might be, of her dismissing her current relationship to be with me again.

 

Do you think this is what's dividing you? You want to call her and have the confirmation of that remote chance, but deeply you think you shouldn't because rejection is a big possibility, at least in your mind.

How do you feel when you imagine calling her?

 

M&M