Me, you and Dupree #2. He's moving in today.

[cazmoore]

I posted on here a while ago with the post 'Me, you and Dupree'. My boyfriend's letting his friend move down here from his hometown so he can go to school... cut a long story short without people reading that post, his friend:

 

Is 25, lost his drivers license from a DUI, occasionally does coke, has an alcohol abuse problem, flunked out of school because he missed too many classes and spends all his money on weed and booze and never had a steady part-time job.

 

Today he's moving in. He's moving in here because he got accepted into the RPN program in my city. I had spent all my free time with my boyfriend and at his house, but now his friend is moving in and that place is too small. Before, he lived there for 2 weeks, but moved home because he was 'bored' (he's use to partying all the time). I'm trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but he's a grade A k up and I dont' feel comfortable about it and that I think he's a bad influence on my boyfriend. (my boyfriend use to drink a lot, has done hard drugs with him and hasn't completed any post secondary education... except now he's going back to school... so he's better when he's away from those friends) I did tell my boyfriend how I feel after taking some advice, and he says there won't be any drinking, that he'll make sure his friend buys his own stuff (groceries) and get a bus pass because he wont' be driving his friend around. Unfortunately, I'm already learning that my boyfriend is driving his friend home on Sunday so he can get his CPR recert. It's 2 hours away. Why couldn't his friend have scheduled something in town 'here'? Or got it done before he moved? I didn't feel there was a point showing I was mad, just because he's not here yet. So I just got some of my stuff and kissed him goodbye and left. I have my period today, and I never slept well last night, so I know he never thought much of me being quiet. School doesn't start for like... another 2 weeks, so why he's moving in now, I don't know.

 

His dad didnt' know his friend was moving into his house (the dad owns the house) and I spoke with his mom about it and she didn't know either. His mom and I keep in contact through email, and this is what she wrote:

 

It was soon good to hear from you and I am glad that you are letting me know what is happening there. I did talk to XXX about Steve and so did his dad, but sometimes I think XXX thinks he can save Steve. He can't but he will have to find out.

 

I think that you did the right thing by telling XXX what you want, and your plans for getting there. Sometimes (most times) with XXX he needs a structure plan to follow, he keeps changing his mind. He did sound excited about the program. I think if he gets back into school he will come around. XXX see's the future but doesn't always know how to get there, I think that you are a good guide for him. Stay with your goals and hopefully everything will fall into place. I know that XXX loves you and for him that will hopefully guide the rest of it.

 

 

I feel like I'm being a selfish brat, and I want to stop putting effort in the relationship. I'm not a mother, and I want someone who will not put me second in a relationship. I always drive to his house.. and he hasn't been to my house in months (since our break up, when my parents found out why we broke up, they were mad, he was worried about coming over. My parents HAVE asked me to invite him over and I HAVE). I can't tell if I'm just being a about it and whiney. Although I never have whined to my boyfriend, I only come acrossed as extremely reserved about the whole situation. I have no idea what to do, if I should just let it go... but I put all this effort in this relationship, and I feel like my boyfriend's putting me second to his friend, because he's trying to help him. AGAIN.

[cazmoore]

Excellent roomnate material. Have fun with that!

 

 

 

I know.. I'm seething.

[cazmoore]

I think I would be too, to be honest. Was there any kind of consultation with you or was this just "announced"?

 

No, there wasn't. It was just "Yeah, Steve's asked if he could move in September because he got accepted into the RPN program" and he never asked how I felt about it, because... well, I don't live there. But the guy is a loser. When I asked my boyfriends' friends GIRLFRIENDS about it, they say "Oh god, if my boyfriend told me Steve's moving in here, I'll be moving all my stuff out" and every single frickin' girl, says the exact same thing about this guy, and it's only fueling my fears. I just feel like.. saying, maybe we should cool things off for a couple weeks until school starts and see how things go with that guy moving in there. I don't want to, but I don't know what else to do so he knows how I feel about it.

[indierockgrl]

i think that you would be doing the right thing by telling him you want to see how it goes... i would be the same way... this kid doesnt sound like a good influence... the sad thing is, your boyfriend may have had really good intentions by letting him live there.. with the "i will save him" mentality, i have been that way with my friends on occasion... but sadly he will have to live and learn. let him see for himself what kind of a irresponsible wreck his friend is... that kids true colors will really shine once he moves in... if i were you i would distance yourself and stay out of the drama.. you deserve that much... if your man wants to see you, tell him to come over or not at all... he will see the light i can promise you that.... but he will have to on his own... all you really need to do is sit back and watch the situation implode on its very own...... good luck girl!!!!

[SayWhen]

Do you and your boyfriend share a residence, or is this your boyfriend's place? It sounds like it's his place that you spend a lot of time at, and now his friend will be occupying the space you once had. If that's the case, although it sucks, your boyfriend does get the final say. However, if you share a place...then there is NO way in hell this guy should be allowed to live with you. I live with my boyfriend and I have a rule of NO roommates because we are a couple and I don't want to share my space with some random "third wheel." I would feel like I'm living my life on "The Real World." Selfish, maybe...but that's what I need. I don't think it's too much for anyone to ask.

 

Anyway, good luck with this...I don't know if I have anything to offer up that would help your situation...just my condolences. Maybe your boyfriend could set a time limit on how long this friend can stay with him? He might think he can stay as long as he likes and that might cause him to just freeload eventually. Talk to him about it. This guy (the friend) seems like a loser :sad:

[DN]

I think you have a right to be concerned but if this is your boyfriend's place then it is his decision. I don't follow your logic that he is putting his friend before you - he is trying to help his friend so that he isn't a loser any longer and that should be viewed as an admirable thing.

 

Where I do think you were wrong is in talking to his mother about this - because that looks like you went behind his back so they would intervene to stop your boyfriend letting his friend live there.

[jul-els]

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. You're going to have to wait until the poop starts hitting the fan, which it sounds like it will, so you can have some ammunition. Maybe you'll get lucky and this guy will somehow miraculously decide to start cleaning up his act. Doesn't look like you can count on that, though. Bummer.

[cazmoore]

No, you're right, I don't have a say in how it goes. The house is actually his dad's.. but his dad had no idea that his son let his friend move in. Not until last week, when all the wheels were starting to turn. (Steve was already signed up for school, packed up) and let me add, he doesn't pay rent.

 

To be honest though DN, I only just met his mother face to face a few weeks ago and we went shopping together and we were just talking about her son. When my boyfriend dropped me off at his moms, Steve was in the back already drinking beer at 9.30 in the morning. Over lunch, I was telling her about my concerns about Steve moving in because she had already mentioned how she felt Steve was a bad influence on my boyfriend. They've been friends for years and since high school. She had no idea he was moving in at all and was shocked. Neither did his father who owns the house. I don't feel like I was setting him up, or trying to intervene, but it seems shady that no-one knew what was happening, so it shows me that what he was doing was something no-one would agree with in the first place.

 

I admire my boyfriends decision for letting the guy move in.. the FIRST time. The first time he moved in, he brought over girls, smoked weed in bed and read books, and watched TV all day and talked on msn. They both drank nearly every single night and there were beer bottles littered everywhere and they went through case(s) of beer. He moved back home 2 weeks later because there was nothing to do in this city, because i was in school, my boyfriend was working and Steve didn't have any transportation and other networks around here.

[cazmoore]

I know at this point I have nothing to say. My boyfriend knows my reservations, how I feel, and what I want for myself in the future. I'm just not sure at this point, if it's wrong for me to tell my boyfriend if maybe it's a good idea we just cool things off between us, until school starts, because I don't want to be the girlfriend who's checking in, getting annoyed and feeling like the third wheel. If it took 2 weeks for Steve to screw up last time, then maybe it's best if we just take a break and my boyfriend can see how things go. I don't want to give ultimatums, that's the only thing. I don't want to say "the only way you can see me, is if you come to my house"... I'm not like that.

 

But would it be wrong to suggest that? I don't want to break up, but I don't want to become angry and annoyed by this. If they want to drink and smoke weed and get all their partying out their system, then I should just distance myself and do what's best for me. Is that wrong?

[Tory Barton]

I don't think there's anything you can do. It's your boyfriend's life, and as long he respects the boundaries of his relationship with you (doesn't start doing coke himself, doesn't go picking up hookers etc.) then he is not in the wrong here.

 

As far as the influence thing goes, do you really want to be with someone who is easily influenced by people like Steve? If your boyfriend is a good guy, he'll stay true to himself and to you. If he starts being a douche because of Steve, then you will have saved a lot of potentially wasted time with him, because it's bound to happen with someone else later down the road.

 

Hopefully, your boyfriend will stay the same. If something stupid like Steve coming over changes his ways and his mindset, you can move on to a guy that's not so easily influenced.

[HeartGoesOn]

How is this guy going to pay for his own groceries, and transportation on the bus?

[DN]

As a general rule, I don't think it is a good idea to discuss a partner and their life choices with their parents. Certainly, if there is a major health concern or they are doing something blatantly self-destructive, there is a good reason to do that. But if that is not the case it is better to avoid that sort of discussion. Most people would resent that and think it patronising and unwarranted interference .

[cazmoore]

.....the bus pass my boyfriend is paying for, because they're taking back all the empties that have been piled up in the spare room, so they can get money for his bus pass without having to use any of their own money.

 

Apparently Steve's mom is giving him her credit card (I'm not sure if it's in her name or Steves) and that's how he'll pay for groceries. He'll have to get a job.. but I live in a part in Canada, where it's the HIGHEST unemployment rate in Canada. My dad who just had to retire early from one of the big 3, can't even find a little part time job to keep himself busy. So god knows how this guy is going to.

 

And to Tony.. you're right. I know. I still can't say anything about his friend moving in... I know he won't pick up hookers, he won't do coke, but he'll probably smoke an usual amount of weed when I'm not around since his friend does it morning, noon and night. But you're right.. I don't want to be with someone who's so easily influenced. I just feel stuck now and don't know what to do.

[DN]

=cazmoore;3664633 But you're right.. I don't want to be with someone who's so easily influenced. I just feel stuck now and don't know what to do.

Are you not trying to influence him? - he seems to be resisting that without a problem. He has made a decision that you don't agree with but that doesn't mean he was easily influenced.

[HeartGoesOn]

This sounds like a recipe for disaster, yet I could be wrong.

 

All you can do is hope that your boyfriend will make the right choices, if and when that time comes. If he allows this to drag him down, and doesn't have the maturity to put an end to the situation, (not saying it will definitely come to that) then, I would re-think where your relationship is going.

 

All the best...

[cazmoore]

Are you not trying to influence him? - he seems to be resisting that without a problem. He has made a decision that you don't agree with but that doesn't mean he was easily influenced.

 

Yeah, of course. Influencing him sounds like I'm manipulating him though, or how you worded it. I've invested time in this relationship because I want to see it work, and I know what he came from, what he grew up with and how this guy is. I get along with his friend and his friend had absolutely no idea what I think about any of this.

 

But my boyfriend, he's someone who seems to have a hard time saying no to his friends. Especially this guy. Lending out money knowing he wont' get it back, repeatedly, giving him packs of cigarettes from a carton he'd buy on a reservation. I can't change him, no and I can't make him do what I want. I genuinely do what things to work out for his friend and for him to get his life together, but he's got such a bad track record. My boyfriend's the one telling me the stories about his friend calling him high on coke.. and then he wonders why I'm not comfortable with him moving in? I got to the point where I said "Please, Tim, stop telling me anything more about this guy, because it's making me hate him and hate that he's moving in."

[SayWhen]

Is there a boundary in your relationship against weed/drinking excessively? If so, then you need to trust that your boyfriend will NOT participate in these "activities" with Steve. Your boyfriend is an adult who needs to be responsible for himself...regardless of what his friend tries to pressure him into doing. Otherwise, if he does fall to peer pressure, is he really mature enough to be in a serious relationship? I don't know. You need to talk to him about these things so he knows where your head is during all of this. Don't build up resentment. Also, as much as you may think it is okay to air your dirty laundry to his mother, it can turn things very sour between you and your boyfriend unintentionally. Trust me on this. Try to keep the issues between you, Steve and your boyfriend amongst yourselves, and resolve everything without "third-party" opinion if you can.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend is already letting his friend take advantage of him...which is unfortunate. I think you would be in the right to tell him you'd prefer not to be around Steve. Hang out either at your place or go on dates together out in the town. Your boyfriend should not get angry at you for feeling a social distaste for someone who does coke/smokes weed/gets drunk and freeloads off of his friends/family. Seriously.

 

Good luck!

[thejigsup]

Your bf is putting you second to his friend. I'm not saying that is good or bad, but that is what he is doing and that is the way it will probably be.

[waveseer]

If I were in your position I would go out of my way to be friendly and cordial to my bf's friend just because he is my bf's friend if for no other reason. I would do everything I could "within reasonable boundaries" to make him feel welcome and to make my bf feel good about his decision to help out a friend. It doesn't sound like this guy will do any permanent damage, so I would make the very best of it. That way my bf will have a very easy time figuring out who the problem lies with should one arise.