I am moving and husband doesnt want to move

[Wandy28]

I need you guys advise on this........ I have a wonderful husband, He is the best man ive ever met and I know that im lucky to have him in my life, We have a 1 year old son together and I have 2 girls from a previous relationship ages 10 and 13, We live in NYC in a not so good area, Last month I went to visit my sister in Hazleton,Pennsylvania which is 3 hours away from where I now live, Anyways I loved it!!!!!! The area is a great place to raise kids the houses are beautiful and its the best place Ive ever seen and to top it all off the rent is way cheaper than here in NYC, My kids also loved it and they didn't even want to come back home, After speaking to my kids and my mom I decided to just make a move down to Pennsylvania and I told my husband and his reply was whatever but I guess he thought I was either joking or talking about the move in a few years but I meant now!!! So I went to Pennsylvania house hunting I change my address and just did all the transfer needed to move My mother even surprised me by buying me a car because she knew that in order to live in Pennsylvania a car is a must!!!.... I am suppose to move next week and go register my kids in the school....and now he tells me that he doesnt want to leave NYC or his job to move..... I tell him that he is making me choose between him and whats best for my kids..... I dont know what to do, I love him but I want to move and so does my girls and I already made all the transfer I had to do and even found the house to rent down there.... His job is in a warehouse and yes I understand he has been working there for 6 years but come on now its just a warehouse job he can do better in Pennsylvania and my sister is getting him a job at the same place her husband work at so its not like he is going to be jobless.... So what to do? I dont want to stay another year in NYC and I already have all set to move next week...... I love my husband but I want to move!!!

[Dubb]

I think you're being a bit selfish here. You could of at least gave it some time to sink in for the guy. Also, it may only be a warehouse job to you but is that how he feels?

[Keyman]

On reading your post, I get the following:

 

It was suggested you move, you looked into it, loved the idea, decided to do it, go agreement from your family etc etc and THEN asked your husband. So, it's like you made all the decisions and your husband has to go along with whatever you want.

 

If my wife ran about madly organising a move and getting approval and THEN asked me, I would probably say no as well and not want to go.

 

I believe marriage is a team event and especally when it comes to moving states it should be a coordinated effort right from the first ideas to the decision making to the move itself. You post gives the impression that it doesn't matter what he wants, it's all about what you think is best, and sure, you have your kids to think about and raising them in good surroundings etc, but because he wasn't fully on board to start with it is in fact YOU who are choosing between him and moving, not the other way around.

[OreEle]

moving is a big thing, and is not something that should just be done on a whim. You should really talk it over with him. And also look for other things, such as employment. It doesn't matter if the rent is lower, if you have no job when you go over there

[melrich]

After speaking to my kids and my mom I decided to just make a move down to Pennsylvania and I told my husband

 

Do you see what might be going wrong here?

 

I'd be more sympathetic if this read, "After speaking with my husband..........". You can't make such big decisions unilaterally.

[Wandy28]

Thank you for your opinion, I know he doesnt like his job due to the fact that its hard lifting and he has already been on compensation 3 times in the 6 years for injureing his back and just 3 month ago he injured his shoulder and just went back to work on august 7 after his shoulder heald but his on doctor told him that that job was taking a toll on him and by the time his 40 he wont even he able to continue doing that heavy lifting for more years, But yes maybe I did rush the whole moving thing but now I feel stuck

[Wandy28]

Thank you guys for all your opinion and advises they are really making me see what he might be feeling and thinking

[OreEle]

you aren't stuck, you leapt into a decision a little more quickly then you should have, it's okay to back off and slow down and go back to discussing about it.

[Keyman]

Don't stop the move, as it might actually be a very good decision. I think, perhaps, you just need to postpone it for a while.

 

Then sit down and talk at length with your husband about it and together weigh up the pros and cons of it all. You have a good heart and want the best.

[annie24]

After speaking to my kids and my mom I decided to just make a move down to Pennsylvania and I told my husband

 

yes, just like melrich, this statement stood out to me. seems like you made this decision consulting everyone but your husband, but in reality, he should be the one you talk this over with first before going house hunting. i would put moving plans on hold until you two come up with some plan on the next step - whether to stay or move, and do it together!

[SayWhen]

I don't blame you for wanting to move. You are trying to make a better life for your family, outside of the ghetto that is inner-city New York. However, you should have involved your husband in this decision. Moving is life-altering and while it's not always for the worst, it is important that all family members have their say. Perhaps you could approach him and apologize, explaining that you were just excited at the opportunity and that you should have involved him. Tell him that it is a good chance for your family to be safer and happier. He may not be against the move itself...but perhaps just feels resentment towards you for trying to make such a huge decision without him. He may not give in...and if he doesn't and you still want to move, you will have to decide what is more important. Keeping your family together, or trying to make a better life for your kids. That would be a totally different issue if you were to get to it...but hopefully, for now, you and your husband can work on discussing the possibility of a move.

 

Good luck!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the others. Marriage is a partnership and this decision was made unilaterally, including just picking up the children and leaving. He had no say in the decision making process, even in choosing the house and everything else. If I were the husband I would be really angry that my partner did not discuss such a life-changing decision with me.

[loulee]

I told my husband and his reply was whatever

No partner should be told about a life altering move like this for the whole family. Its a joint decision. While the move sounds great overall your approach to it was simply selfish and impulsive and I have to wonder about the sort of communication that you maintain with such a wonderful husband to do all this without his input, it seems not much, if any at all! many people fear such big changes...he should have been the only person this decision was made jointly and discussed in detail with. even your own children do not have decision making privileges in this situation. They are however a very very important consideration with regards to moving. I think you need to go back to the discussion board with your hubbie.. this can be readily sorted out, ensure his feelings are given much higher priority this time, as much as you gave yours before you acted..good luck

[Wandy28]

Thanks all, I came here for advise and most have been good ... Did I jump the gun? yep i did but I live in In a not good area in Nyc (Bronx to be exact) and it gets tire after a while hearing shoot outs every weekend having a grouo of drug dealers selling drugs outside your building and then when I go to a state where I see my kids run freely and where I did not hear not one shot or even a car horn while I was there well maybe I got too excited and rushed into all this but I had at heart whats best for my kids and seeing them running free with no worries at my sisters home got me into the super mom mood and I decided this is what I wanted for them but yes I did not take him into consideration but those that have kids and never been in the ghetto maybe wouldnt understand how it felt to be in a state where I felt my kids where safe, But I will try to keep talking to him and hopefully he can see that this move is whats best for our kids.... when u become parents sometimes you need to sacrifice for them hopefully I wont have to sacrifice my marriage because I do love him but I want whats best for my kids

 

Don't stop the move, as it might actually be a very good decision. I think, perhaps, you just need to postpone it for a while.

 

Then sit down and talk at length with your husband about it and together weigh up the pros and cons of it all. You have a good heart and want the best.

[annie24]

i totally understand why you want to move out of this neighborhood. does your husband feel the same way? i agree that moving out sounds better for your kids overall. but to where? there are plenty of cities out there that are safe for kids and families, so maybe there is a place your husband would rather move? maybe you two can come to some kind of compromise?

[diamond78]

Well, as someone currently living in NYC....I can totally relate to the wanting to move away as soon as you can. Especially when you get to see what else is out there for you.

 

Maybe you should take a drive out there with the hubby and let him see what you're so excited about.

 

You definitely rushed into the move without him, but I do understand the desire to move out quickly.

 

Continue talking with him and try to understand why it is that he wants to stay in NYC and see if maybe he would be interested in relocating to a city of his liking....

[Wandy28]

Thank you Annie I wanted to move to Hazleton PA which is a great little town small population middle class He says he doesnt just want to pick up and leave yet when he gets home he always complaining about the drug dealers in front of the building, He says to give him atleast a year or 2 but the highshool here are not good lots of violence and my teen starts high school this year.... I just dont know what to do im trying to convience him to atleast come see the area with me to see if he changes his mind

 

i totally understand why you want to move out of this neighborhood. does your husband feel the same way? i agree that moving out sounds better for your kids overall. but to where? there are plenty of cities out there that are safe for kids and families, so maybe there is a place your husband would rather move? maybe you two can come to some kind of compromise?

[Wandy28]

Thank you Diamond, Will do my best to try to take him to see why is that I rushed to move

Well, as someone currently living in NYC....I can totally relate to the wanting to move away as soon as you can. Especially when you get to see what else is out there for you.

 

Maybe you should take a drive out there with the hubby and let him see what you're so excited about.

 

You definitely rushed into the move without him, but I do understand the desire to move out quickly.

 

Continue talking with him and try to understand why it is that he wants to stay in NYC and see if maybe he would be interested in relocating to a city of his liking....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No doubt your heart was in the right place and you had good intentions..it was just how you went about doing it that is the problem. It should have been an open dialogue with your husband, getting his point of view, seeing the place where you would like to move etc.

[abitbroken]

I think bottom line is that you are a couple. You need to make decisions together and talk things through...that is, if you plan to stay a couple. If he is the best thing ever, then home doesn't feel like home without him.

 

Maybe moving is a good idea, but there are so many other factors - jobs, school, leases or homes owned, and also there might be a place that is even better for you to move based on everyone's career. he may not think his job's the best, but if he has been there awhile, there is some good in sticking with it to get some time in until it is just the right time, versus moving then hunting. It may be, if this was done differently, you decide 3 months, or even 2 years down the road is the best time to do it. (you can't possibly both have secure jobs lined up there with a spontaenous decision)

 

You mention you have children from a prior relationship. Not for nothing, but perhaps you have sort of operated for awhile on you and your kids as a unit who makes decisions together. I don't know how long the two of you have been married, but if you are going to work this for the long term, its not you and your daughters...and then your husband is the add on. You both are the parents, the adults in the house. The kids get asked last, if at all. Once you and your husband decide on something, already, that is time for kids input.

 

I would back this train up if you can and move back home immediately - that is if you want an equal partnership. I know I may be jumping to conclusions, but for some men, feeling that their gal doesn't respect their opinions and feelings is one of the worst things. If you want to stay married, and not seperated, that is what I would do.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but you don't escape a bad area by leaving your husband back in the dust if you expect to build a good foundation.

[Wandy28]

UPDATE!!!!!!!

 

I will like to thank you all for your advises,

After having a long heart to heart conversation with my husband about the situation he has decided that WE CAN MOVE!!! But he says on Feb of next year which is only 5 months away because he wanted to have his income tax in hand when we move, So I called the landlord up from the new home I was suppose to move in to and told him that I will not be able to rent it but that I will call him in the month of Jan to see if he may have any other homes available for rent at that time.

So im stuck 5 more months in ghetto NY but since my hubby is coming with me is totally worth it!!

PS: We are heading over there this weekend so he can see what its like.

[annie24]

that sounds great! i hope you guys have a good trip there, and am glad that you two have agreed together to relocate the family.