How do I get my fiancee to see that I am working on my trust issues?

[Maroney555]

*To start things off...no comments on waiting to get married and not be engaged...we are already discussing things of that manor as it is. That's not the advice I need, but thank you.*

 

I have never felt so confident in myself and my ability to fully trust a man as I do with my fiancee.

 

I have a crappy track record of this as I have only been making an honest attempt for about a week now since my SO threatened to leave me for real if things don't start looking up.

 

Anyways, tonight he told me he was going to his brothers to hang out. They ended up going to someone else's house and to a bar that was close by to all of our houses. He told me about everything EXCEPT the bar. The only reason I knew was because I used to work there and a friend asked why I wasn't down with him as I am out of town or else I would've been. He omitted this information and when I asked about it, he gave the excuse of I would rather not tell you about something than get you all worked up. This was finally mentioned after a blow out argument. I had asked him about the night with no intentions of assuming he was up to no good. He thought otherwise and assumed I thought he was cheating and yadda yadda yadda. Sad thing is, I know he won't cheat on me and I have come to terms with the fact that I really don't need to worry about him.

 

I freaked out that he lied and I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. I want him to be able to tell me EVERYTHING about his day...including the waitress who hit on him that he brushed off...I really do. I am confident in my abilities to stay calm as well.

 

How do I convince him to give me the benefit of the doubt again?

[needadvice911]

i dont think there is a way to convince him into thinking that he can trust you to trust him again. The tables are turned. The main problem in this relationship is not being able to trust. If you can't accept that sometimes he wont report to you like you are his mother, then there is no point into trying to convince him that you will trust him no matter what, because the truth is you won't. You will turn into a complete control freak and drive him away. I think you should seek counseling or a therapist to work on this issue, maybe then he will believe that you are working on trusting him.

[Maroney555]

I don't expect him to report to me like I am his mother, I really don't, however, going to a bar isn't a normal thing for him. He hates it...honestly, which is why he would normally tell me if he were.

 

The point with my saying I wish he would tell me everything isn't in a reporting type way...I mean I want him to want to tell me about that stuff about his day and what not because he wants to share his life with me when I am not around. I do, so I guess I kinda expect it...

[needadvice911]

The point with my saying I wish he would tell me everything isn't in a reporting type way...I mean I want him to want to tell me about that stuff about his day and what not because he wants to share his life with me when I am not around. I do, so I guess I kinda expect it...

 

Has he ever lied to you before about anything? For me, i usually dont have a trust issue with my mate. The only time i have an issue is if i have been lied to by this person many times. But going into a relationship I am okay. Have you always been this way from day one with him, or did this happen over time because he has lied to you many times.

[Maroney555]

I wouldn't say that he has lied many times, but he has left important details out many times.

 

There was also an incident a while back where he contacted his ex behind my back and said awful things about me and our relationship and what not...but that's kinda a different story.

[needadvice911]

I wouldn't say that he has lied many times, but he has left important details out many times.

 

There was also an incident a while back where he contacted his ex behind my back and said awful things about me and our relationship and what not...but that's kinda a different story.

 

okay that is really important especially if their was an ex involved.. oh yea. well that explains it. He has lied to you in the past and has deceived you .this is the reason why you feel this way. This issue is not your fault. He is to blame as well. I don't like to do the blame game, but I think both of you should start off on a clean slate and try therapy together as a couple.

[Maroney555]

You really think therapy is the only way?

[Capricorn3]

i dont think there is a way to convince him into thinking that he can trust you to trust him again. The tables are turned. The main problem in this relationship is not being able to trust. If you can't accept that sometimes he wont report to you like you are his mother, then there is no point into trying to convince him that you will trust him no matter what, because the truth is you won't. You will turn into a complete control freak and drive him away. I think you should seek counseling or a therapist to work on this issue, maybe then he will believe that you are working on trusting him.

 

I agree with the above post 100%.

 

I wouldn't say that he has lied many times, but he has left important details out many times.

He probably leaves out details (like he did about the bar), because he KNOWS what your reaction will be. He KNOWS he'll "get into trouble" because you'll have something to say about it, or disapprove, or get all accusing about it, etc etc.

 

All of this IS controlling behaviour and it has huge potential to drive him away, permanently. You are smothering him and he feels he has no freedom to do any simple thing in any day, because you want to know EVERYTHING (your words) on a daily basis - which IS reporting back to you.

 

Relationships don't work well when you have someone forever demanding, or expecting, to know every move you make.

 

You either trust him, or you don't. Without trust you have nothing.

[Maroney555]

I agree with the above post 100%.

 

 

He probably leaves out details (like he did about the bar), because he KNOWS what your reaction will be. He KNOWS he'll "get into trouble" because you'll have something to say about it, or disapprove, or get all accusing about it, etc etc.

 

All of this IS controlling behaviour and it has huge potential to drive him away, permanently. You are smothering him and he feels he has no freedom to do any simple thing in any day, because you want to know EVERYTHING (your words) on a daily basis - which IS reporting back to you.

 

Relationships don't work well when you have someone forever demanding, or expecting, to know every move you make.

 

You either trust him, or you don't. Without trust you have nothing.

 

I agree 100% with your post!

 

My question is though...how do I make HIM realize that I AM trying to sort this issues out??

[needadvice911]

Relationships don't work well when you have someone forever demanding, or expecting, to know every move you make.

 

You either trust him, or you don't. Without trust you have nothing

 

 

 

**Great way to put it

 

You really think therapy is the only way?

 

Yes, I reallly do. Therapy or counseling. He will be able to let you know exactly what he wants out of the relationship and you can tell him what you want. And that way you both can work on it together. If you are both willing to make a change. But trust is a big issue, if you don't resolve the issue it will drive you and him insane. You will be stressed all the time worrying what he is doing, is he lying is he telling the truth, should I believe him... then that gut feeling that tells you not to trust him becomes a permanent gut feeling. I think you should definitely seek counseling or therapy together. It will save you the headache in the future...

[Capricorn3]

My question is though...how do I make HIM realize that I AM trying to sort this issues out??

Ohhhhhhhhh, that's easy!! lol. You STOP expecting explanations from him every time he goes out with the boys. You STOP questioning him to death about where he went, who he saw, when he's coming home, etc etc.

 

The more you SHOW that you trust him, the more he'll be covinced that you ARE trying and you DO believe him, etc. Eventually he won't even feel the need to go anywhere without you anymore.

[Maroney555]

Thank you very much. I really appreciate all of your advice.

 

Even though I have told myself that, it's nice to read that stupid sentence "either you trust him or you don't" because if I really did, things like leaving small details out wouldn't even bother me, right?

 

I will definitely look into therapy and once I can figure my issues out, I will see if he can join or if he even needs to at that point.

 

Thanks again needadvice and capricorn! I really appreciate everything.

[Maroney555]

Ohhhhhhhhh, that's easy!! lol. You STOP expecting explanations from him every time he goes out with the boys. You STOP questioning him to death about where he went, who he saw, when he's coming home, etc etc.

 

The more you SHOW that you trust him, the more he'll be covinced that you ARE trying and you DO believe him, etc. Eventually he won't even feel the need to go anywhere without you anymore.

 

See...normal occasions, I would have been right along side of him, yet I am out of state visiting family at the moment lol. That's really the only time we are apart, which is why I guess it's difficult for me because it's rare.

 

I am definitely going to stop poking and proding in his business though and whatever he feels he wants to tell me, I will let it be it and fake it until I make it and AM fully comfortable with not knowing everything. My ex always told me everything so I guess I got accustomed to it in a sick way.

 

Thanks again for the advice. I am definitely going to work on being better.

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with Capricorn3 - I think he leaves out details because you're likely to read something into them which really isn't there and it'll cause a pile of trouble. From the way you describe it, this seems quite realistic on his part.

 

When you say he contacted his ex behind your back ... yes, you can get angry about this, feel betrayed, whatever. But, if you want him to stay in this relationship, I'd take this as a huge warning sign that things are seriously wrong, and start working on those if you want to keep him. I've done this - contacted an ex - because they were someone who knew me really well, and not in our immediate circle of friends who would then have divided loyalties. Sometimes we all need someone to talk to, and if he's thinking your relationship's awful and can't talk to you about it ... well ... draw your own conclusions.

 

Rather than couples therapy it might be more beneficial to go into therapy on your own, to look at your issues around control. I'm not being judgmental here - controlling is a way of feeling safe in an unsafe world - but it could be that you need to work on your self-esteem and your own sense of security before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone. Nobody else can give this to you; nobody else can make you feel secure.

 

And ironically you are hoping he will tell you everything so you can feel safe, but the fact that you are demanding it will likely bring the very outcome you most fear, and end your relationship. You cannot make another person want to do anything, and trying to control something you just can't - someone else's feelings - will really put you into a state of despair.

 

I really hope you can work all this out. I hope you can save this relationship before he leaves for good, and even if you can't, that you can salvage something from the situation and use it as an experience to grow.

 

Good luck!

[nutbrownhare]

I agree 100% with your post!

 

My question is though...how do I make HIM realize that I AM trying to sort this issues out??

 

Don't. This is just another aspect of control, doing something in the hope that it will make him stay. As you say 'MAKE' him realise. You can't 'MAKE' another person do anything.

 

I personally disagree with many of the posts which say you should go into couples therapy, because essentially this isn't his problem, and it's something you need to work on for yourself - whatever the outcome of this relationship.

 

I'd just tell him that you have concerns about your own need to control and that you want to do something about it. Then find yourself a therapist you feel OK with, and carry on. But do this for YOURSELF, not because you want to make him change his mind, and let go the outcome as far as he's concerned. If you're sincere, and stop controlling him, giving him the third degree etc, he'll realise this soon enough without you having to impress it on him. But it's got to come from you, and not you trying to change him.

[needadvice911]

(nutbrownhare) wow.. great job explaining the situation...

 

and your welcommeee any timee.. i hope i helped in some way.

 

 

[Maroney555]

Thanks a lot....

 

You have pretty much nailed it down to a T. The ex thing is exactly as he explained it to me which, in a way, is reassuring to hear from someone else.

 

I agree that insecurities are my thing (my last ex cheated on me and tried to commit suicide...I don't think I dealt with all of that properly now that I have seen responses to my issue)

 

You did a great job explaining all of this and I really appreciate everything that you have said.

 

I will be looking into therapy as soon as I get home from my trip.

 

Thanks all!

[Maroney555]

(nutbrownhare) wow.. great job explaining the situation...

 

and your welcommeee any timee.. i hope i helped in some way.

 

 

You did Thank you!!

[nutbrownhare]

Thanks a lot....

(my last ex cheated on me and tried to commit suicide...I don't think I dealt with all of that properly now that I have seen responses to my issue)

 

Good grief! This would have taken a lot of working through on your part - I really feel for you. What a lot of people don't reflect on is quite how aggressive suicide actually is - short of attempting to murder someone else, attempting suicide to induce guilt in someone else is just about the most aggressive thing you can do. It's enormously traumatic to be on the receiving end of this sort of treatment, and I can totally understand why you still have echoes in the present.

 

I would also add that you are INCREDIBLY brave to be raising all these issues, including those with your fiance, and being prepared to look at them honestly takes an enormous amount of courage and integrity. Many people would have just carried on trying to control, if not with that person then with the next relationship, never being prepared to look to themselves to find a solution.

 

(((HUGE HUGS)))

[DN]

You have convinced yourself that you are trying to do better.

 

But you aren't doing better so there is no way that you can convince him.

 

The fact is that you do expect him to tell you all the details of everything that he has done when he is not with you and you demonstrated that tonight. That is not doing better. That is not trusting him.

[Maroney555]

Ya, the suicide thing was rough. It was multiple times because I wouldn't take him back. It was stressful...

 

On a lighter note...thank you so much for being so kind and giving me good thoughts I am with all of my heart going to be working on this. I don't want to be controlling. I want him to be a part of my life and not all of my life and I want to be like that for him as well.

 

Thank you very much

[Maroney555]

You have convinced yourself that you are trying to do better.

 

But you aren't doing better so there is no way that you can convince him.

 

The fact is that you do expect him to tell you all the details of everything that he has done when he is not with you and you demonstrated that tonight. That is not doing better. That is not trusting him.

 

I know I am not doing better yet but that was the point of my thread lol..thanks though, DN. The hardest part was realizing that I don't actually trust him and I need to look at why and fix that.