Learning life lesson - Never put all eggs in one basket.

[rebelfac]

I definitely am learning from mistakes that I have made. I may sound bitter but I will never get married again and also warn any guy here to think twice about having kids. The bottom line is that nothing lasts forever and anyone can disappoint and turn on you. I now value my male friends more who were there for me and wouldn't let feelings erase logic like my ex did. I mean how can someone i was with for 14 years say that "I was her best friend and soul mate and the feelings are overwhelming "one month, get fooled by a player and disgaurd me and my lost family history and memories 5 months later. I am definitely looking for a sweet gal and now prefer to date a few people than commit to one person. I actually had a great marriage and the perfect daughter but now my daughter is getting turned against me. Everyone included my ex said I was a great father but now I no longer matter. What was the point of all of the sacrifice for 12 years being a family man?

[shikashika]

well that sucks...sorry to hear that.

 

I hope you offer the same advice to your female friends as well and that they should stay single forever as well and to think twice about having kids.

[Ac143]

How long ago did this all happen?

[dimnickel1980]

i am so sorry if you ex is pushing your daughter that hard.. i think it will only push the daughter away from the mom eventually.. no kid wants to be around a really controlling parent. do what makes you happy..

[JonasWaingaro]

Sorry about your situation, no fun. But don't give up on your daughter. Don't let anyone take that relationship from you. Do everything to keep that relationship strong. Hang in there!

[HouseKitten]

I think it's a perfectly normal reaction, after a long relationship followed by a difficult break-up, to feel that commitment is a lie and no relationship can ever go well forever.

 

But, this is just another part of the mixed bag of feelings you're entitled to after a break-up. You feel like this now but there are so many men who have the said the same thing, given the same warnings to their friends and family... and then met a wonderful woman who showed them there's really so little to be afraid of, compared to what you gain from being with someone.

 

You have a daughter. If you regret all your time with your ex then if you changed it, you would never have had your little girl. It's so horrible and hard when things end, but it doesn't mean it wasn't worth going through for other reasons.

[Jetta]

I'm sorry your daughter is being turned against you, I understand as my son has been, today is his 14th birthday and it's the first birthday I haven't spent with him. I don't think turning your back on marriage is the answer, your ex wife sounds a bit naive perhaps, so much so she ruined her family. As they say time does heal all wounds, and really it does the deeper the wound the more time it takes but I'm finding it to be true.

 

I wish you all the best.

Jetta

[rebelfac]

She left in October after the emotional affair began likely in May of 2008. She moved her and my 12 year old daughter in with him and I didn't know they were having an affair until two months later. the person i used to know no longer exists. My daughter visited last weekend. She gave me attitude and i checked her phone texts. I realized that she was talking trash about me and I noticed my ex responding that I have issues. I also noticed this new guy texting my daughter on my weekend as if he is now her dad. He contributed to taking the two most important people in my life. I finally got mad at my ex and showed that she can't threaten to end the friendship anymore as I no longer care. I text her that our daughter learned to lie and talk trash about her dad from her. I then text I no longer care but she should as some kid was texting our twelve year old daughter vulger texts. She seemed to be ok with rreplacing me as her father until last Wed when she seemed to learn the importance of having her real father in her life and that she doesn't want sole responsibility of the tremendous responsibility of raising a teenage girl. I am about to disconnect the pain and cut off contact with them both and she can live with the guilt of breaking up our family for the rest of her life.

[OrangeMoon]

and have the women date a couple of guys at the same time while dating you...so never committing to you..so you can have a blissful superficial relationship with one another

 

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NOT....I am sorry for the above. Because i do understand that you are hurt and can totally feel the pain you are feeling now from 'the deception' you feel you have suffered.

 

But I honestly don't feel and think its about ever placing your bets anymore..

 

its about accepting that most of us aren't meant to stay with each other till death do us part.

 

So if you have decided that you never want to get married anymore after this experience, I do understand that. However the opportunity to commit to the one you love fully, is something that will always give you more joy and happiness than going through life hedging your bets.

 

I dont know what went on in your ex's heart and mind, I dont know whats going through your daughters mind...but i do hope that someday your daughter will find her way to her dad again..once everything has cleared and you and your ex have some years behind you. Just remember that separation is hard...especially for children. She will come around in time..if you stay consistent in your contacts/interactions with her.

 

Now as for the wasted time....noooo...dont look at it like that. Just because the journey ended at a station you did not choose, doesnt not make the journey bad. Yeah, you heal..you learn...you accept. And that's all you can do unfortunately.

 

Someday when you are past the hurting, you will remember that what was good for its own merits.

 

 

But please..dont crawl into that cave of negativity...you and the years you have spend together are worth more (despite of the fact that you feel she does not see it that way)

 

 

change sucks...but you never know what its good for..

[HouseKitten]

I am about to disconnect the pain and cut off contact with them both and she can live with the guilt of breaking up our family for the rest of her life.

 

Are you really willing to never see your daughter again, just to teach your ex-wife a lesson? That seems rather petty.

[rebelfac]

Thanks so much to you and all of the other caring people who responded so quickly to a stranger who needed to hear these things.

[metrogirl]

Don't punish your daughter. She may be 12 but she is still an innocent party here. She will always need you. The other man may be in her life for sometime but you are her dad.

 

While your wife seems to have moved on and you are obviously still reeling from it, is anyone considering the pain that your daughter may be going through?

[SnowFox]

Have you thought about trying to get some counseling for your daughter? What her mother is doing to her (bad mouthing you) is very harmful for a child. Please do not hold your daughter's behavior against your daughter - she is caught in the middle and is being used like a pawn by your ex. She is only a child.

 

I am always sad when I hear about divorced parents doing their fighting through their kids. The ones who end up losing out the most are the kids themselves.

 

Give yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship. You will go through all the emotions, like on a roller coaster.

[rebelfac]

Thanks for your response. Our daughter really has handled this very well and is very adaptable and easy going. She really likes this new guy. Our daughter is far too sweet to do this w/o learning it from her mom so I don't hold it against her. I feel though that i did a good job as her dad and that I don't deserve to have my heart strings continuously pulled like this. I won't be happy being reminded about how my daughter now views me. I can start a whole new life too and besides everything I have done in the past already has and will be forgotten as our family history has been rewritten. I don't want to fight for custody and do feel that her mom is far more important in her life. The down side to that is her mom gets to make all the rules. Why fight for custody when she has already been turned against me? This happens way too much in society. I am not bad mouthing women and recognize that guys can be far worse about other things but this is the one thing that women need to improve and that is not to let feelings drive illogical actions. (I am far from perfect but admitted my mistakes and have grown as a person by correcting them)

[JonasWaingaro]

She's young, you can change how she sees you. And in the end, it's worth the effort. Yeah? You bet!

[SnowFox]

If you walk away from your daughter based on how your ex is acting, you risk having her grow up not trusting men because she feels her dad abandoned her. (and trust me, she will feel abandoned by you even though she might be saying bad things about you now- she is only 12 and has no real perspective on the world at this time).

 

It is a bit surprising to hear that it seems easy for you to walk away from her. No child ever wants to be abandoned by their parent, regardless of how poorly they act.

[rebelfac]

If you walk away from your daughter based on how your ex is acting, you risk having her grow up not trusting men because she feels her dad abandoned her. (and trust me, she will feel abandoned by you even though she might be saying bad things about you now- she is only 12 and has no real perspective on the world at this time).

 

It is a bit surprising to hear that it seems easy for you to walk away from her. No child ever wants to be abandoned by their parent, regardless of how poorly they act.

 

you risk having her grow up not trusting men because she feels her dad abandoned her. (and trust me, she will feel abandoned by you even though she might be saying bad things about you now- she is only 12 and has no real perspective on the world at this time

 

Good point - It is something that I wasn't seeing and I believe you. My ex deserves to see the only consequences to her actions but you are all right that my daughter ends up being the real victim.

[Ac143]

Your daughter is still very young, she is just going along with what mommy is saying/doing. You need to be the adult and keep showing her you are there for her, you are her one and only daddy and what is being said is not true. One day she will realize her mother was trying to turn her against you & it wont be so good for your ex. Hopefully your ex will mature alittle bit and stop doing this to her child.

[SnowFox]

One other thing to remember - if you are a good father to your daughter, and you never bad mouth her mother to her, and never bad mouth her mom's boyfriend, and you just let all that stuff just go (at least in the presence of your daughter) - some day in the future, your daughter will figure out what type of woman her mom is - and your relationship with her will be much stronger because you showed yourself to be the more mature person.

 

You should try to be a good role model for your daughter, no matter how badly your ex treats you. It will pay off in the future. Show that you are the more mature one by your actions. This will also boost your self esteem and confidence and will be attractive to other women that you meet in the future.

[atelis]

i'm really saddened to hear this rebel.

 

You have to take the higher ground on this and be the better person. Does your daughter still want to have contact with you or does she do it out of obligation? I think you need to reassure her that despite the fact that you and your ex are no longer on terms, that your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing to you and that nothing will change that.

 

I don't have a child, but if i had heard that my ex's new boyfriend was trying to turn my own child against me, i would find it very difficult not to threaten to cause him physical harm. There are some lines people should never cross and that is one of them

[rebelfac]

Good point Tennessee about the attractive behavior. Yes I don't now why someone would do this when someone is highly emotional and may feel they now have nothing left to lose. The worst case possibility is something I would never do but it must be natural to have the thought cross one's mind. My ex can't even imagine it but a certain percentage of the population when pushed far enough may not be able to control themselves. The worst case possibility that i can imagine involves my daughter being a witness to a tragedy ( him then me) but I will never think about it again. I just hope that Karma works.

 

 

 

i'm really saddened to hear this rebel.

 

You have to take the higher ground on this and be the better person. Does your daughter still want to have contact with you or does she do it out of obligation? I think you need to reassure her that despite the fact that you and your ex are no longer on terms, that your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing to you and that nothing will change that.

 

I don't have a child, but if i had heard that my ex's new boyfriend was trying to turn my own child against me, i would find it very difficult not to threaten to cause him physical harm. There are some lines people should never cross and that is one of them