natural Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Thanks natural its nice to know that someone else is having a hard time finding the balance between being yourself and not being too needy or seeming that way. Thanks for your honesty... No problem. It is just so annoying having to second guess my actions and the way that I act in a relationship. Link to comment
Qut81 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I've always been the type that falls too easily, too quickly, too fast, and cares too much. After having been stupid, naive, and burned too much...I want to be emotionally distant now. I don't want to get attached to anyone, I don't want to care, I don't want to open up, and I don't want to see anyone too often. Please give me tips on how to be and stay emotionally distant. I enjoy attraction and flirting, but I just don't want to have real feelings anymore. I waver between wanting to get to know someone and bolting... I am the same way and now Ive been told I am "cold" by people I have dated. If your too "emotional" they leave and if your emotionless they view you as "cold". You just cant win. So saying that, if being emotional is something you do then dont stop. Thats part of you...unless you are being irrational I dont see anything wrong with that. Maybe you will find someone who is also emotional and you feed off of each other? Just an idea...Im no expert at these things myself. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Qut81 thats very true you shouldn't have to stop being who you are just to please someone, you know I have been on this forum beating my brains out because I am seeing a guy I really like. I just realized that if this guy really likes me back like the way he says he does then he will like the way I am emotional or not. I guess life and relationships are always a gamble but you will never find something good if you dont at least take a chance. Link to comment
25thfloor Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 i use duct tape over my mouth. no, seriously, it's really really really hard. i show my love to my man, but i don't say it...we haven't been together that long....but i feel it, oh boy do i feel it. i have to bite my hand! and i only call him when i'm up...never needy or down. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 25thfloor thank you so much for the advice that seems like something that I can do... the guy I am seeing is great I mean I have never felt a connection like this and I guess ur right, maybe when things are going well there is no need to say it all the time. So far I have only called when I am happy and its usually just to chat about the day I never call to complain or to say I am sad. Thanks for your advice earlier today I got some rather nasty answers I felt that people didnt even take the chance to really see what I was talking about... Link to comment
DropToZero Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 i use duct tape over my mouth. no, seriously, it's really really really hard. i show my love to my man, but i don't say it...we haven't been together that long....but i feel it, oh boy do i feel it. i have to bite my hand! and i only call him when i'm up...never needy or down. See but that's not how it should be... I know this is off topic, but if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your relationship(or possible life with)... you should be able to count on him for anything. I don't mean unloading on him all the negativity in your life every time you see him(because many women just want men to listen I understand), but telling him all the positives about him and how you feel... should never be hidden... open lines of communication in a relationship, and the only way to keep it healthy is knowing one another that well, but at the same time... keep learning, don't just think you know all there is to know about one another and quit listening or sharing feelings. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I agee with what you are saying drop to zero but here is the problem not all men think the way you do..believe me I believe I speak for a lot of people here when I say that we would love to do that more than anything, but then if we do it it seems that people think that we are needy. I agree that communication and wanting to share with the other person in the best thing to do. Let me see if I understand this...you believe that we as women should never hide the way that we feel that we should always put it out there? Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 just have no expectations. completely and 100% go with the flow. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 What do you mean by expectations? With the guy I am seeing I have no expectations and for the first time in my life I feel like I am myself 100 % of the time. He doesnt make me feel like I need to put up a front or anything. It nice to be with someone who understand me so well...and I guess thats why i am afraid of seeming like I am a way I am not. However after reading this chat I have learned the fact that I am who I am and I can't change that. I think I am a good catch for anyone (without seeming cocky) and if he is going to like/love me I might as well show him who I really am. Love and life are a risk but I am willing to jump all the way in for this guy... Link to comment
25thfloor Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 yeah..at the beginning, we have to be careful. it's all about respect and waiting for the other person to say things first, sometimes, ya know? Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Thank you so much for all the advice...you guys have really helped me to see things a little more clearly... Link to comment
natural Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I agee with what you are saying drop to zero but here is the problem not all men think the way you do..believe me I believe I speak for a lot of people here when I say that we would love to do that more than anything, but then if we do it it seems that people think that we are needy. I agree that communication and wanting to share with the other person in the best thing to do. Let me see if I understand this...you believe that we as women should never hide the way that we feel that we should always put it out there? Amen to that! Link to comment
natural Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 just have no expectations. completely and 100% go with the flow. A lot easier said that done for many people. Link to comment
DropToZero Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I agee with what you are saying drop to zero but here is the problem not all men think the way you do..believe me I believe I speak for a lot of people here when I say that we would love to do that more than anything, but then if we do it it seems that people think that we are needy. I agree that communication and wanting to share with the other person in the best thing to do. Let me see if I understand this...you believe that we as women should never hide the way that we feel that we should always put it out there? No no... I understand... but don't take it to the extreme that as women, towards men, you should "ALWAYS" put everything out there. See there's a difference between what you define as neediness, and perfectly normal communication lines... and that you would have to define so I see how you might see it. What's your definition of neediness, what's something you think men should hear from you often, as compared to something you think would turn them off and should never hear? If you're a woman who constantly worries, hates her job, hates her coworkers, and complains about everything bad that happens daily(every other daily/whatever)(or even if you're watching the kids at home and had a bad day)... that's considered very negative. See there's a difference between communication, and complaining... and I'm not trying to be rude--but what most relationships consist of--is complaining--not communication. I'm also not saying it is only women that do this, men do it do... just many men hold it in because that's how we are. If you had a bad day... sure, unload a little... vent... (but you should also know that as men listening, it is quite draining and brings about bad feelings). If you want to tell men about your day and all the great things--they should listen(and give them patience, don't let them slide with anything, but give them patience to get better at it... we often wish to fix everything). If you have some bad things happen, tell them... but don't make it negative, just tell them what happened. ...now all of those are relationship type communication advice. If you are talking about dating(and you are too quick to fall in love)--- you're right, this is much more difficult to judge. When you fall in love, and when you say it, no matter when you say it, it is the right time... unless it's like a week into dating. If you like a guy, let him know, it's okay, but you don't have to say it every single time you think it--learn some self control, most guys do like a chase. If you're falling in love and you feel later on into the dating phase, you feel it's the right time to say it... you'd better say it... and if he runs, he wasn't for you, despite all the pain it may bring-- you should be happy he ran... because that means in the future--he would run again in the face of a pressured situation or problem between the two of you if he can't handle "being loved." (i.e. my best friend is now like this, and I used to be, I was quite miserable despite how I tried to convince myself sleeping around and having multiple partners was the way to go) I hope some of this helps... obviously communication is a big issue in relationships... most people don't realize, if they fixed their communication issues in relationships... the "relationship" column on this site shouldn't exist... you should be able to bring any and every thing you have an issue with, to your partner. If you can't then you need to seriously reconsider the relationship or the communication and fix it, or it WILL(100% sure) cause issues in the future and more than likely lead to a breakup or worse. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 What do you mean by expectations? With the guy I am seeing I have no expectations and for the first time in my life I feel like I am myself 100 % of the time. He doesnt make me feel like I need to put up a front or anything. It nice to be with someone who understand me so well...and I guess thats why i am afraid of seeming like I am a way I am not. However after reading this chat I have learned the fact that I am who I am and I can't change that. I think I am a good catch for anyone (without seeming cocky) and if he is going to like/love me I might as well show him who I really am. Love and life are a risk but I am willing to jump all the way in for this guy... You fall too hard and too fast. That means when you meet a guy you immediately start thinking of the future and where the relationship is going. Don't do that. Take your sweet time getting to know someone and feeling them out. When you meet a guy, just assume that you're going to date casually for a while and that's that. Then you won't get your hopes up and be crushed when things fizzle out. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Droptozero, Thank you so much for all the advice. I think you are excatly right...if more people communicated so many people wouldn't have problems in their relationships. As for me I believe in being completely honest, even if I seem a little wacky because i just feel that there is no point in deceiving someone. I mean sure you can lie at the beginning of a relationship but if it turns into something then eventually the way you really are will come out and thats when people say " you weren't like this" or "why did you change".... With the person I am seeing right now, we actually just talked about this last night. Basically I told him the truth that I liked him, he made me happy and that for the first time ever I felt like I could be myself 100% of the time. I told him that he made me feel like I mattered and that I was grateful because he always listened to me. He responded by saying that he likes me too, that we are seeing each other exclusively and that he wanted to take things slow because he always has a good time when we hang out and he doesnt want to ruish things. He said he also appreciated my honesty because he hated the whole dating game since I had told him that I believed in being completely honest since the beginning. I guess this is a good thing right? I mean I agree I dont want to rush into anything I guess I just have never met a guy who actually wanted to take things slow and thats why I was freaking out thinking I had to do something in order to impress him.... Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Scorpion Fury, You are absolutely right...I do fall too hard too fast. However I will tell you that I am working on that. Last night I talked about that with this guy and you are absolutely right, there is no need to rush things. I guess I just have never dated a guy who actually wanted to take his time to get to know me. Thank you so much for the advice, it means a lot to me. Link to comment
DropToZero Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Sounds good to me... I wouldn't call it "lying" at the beginning of a relationship... I would consider it more like self-control. If you're lying, then that can cause issues too. If he/she doesn't really like you for who you are, then that's kinda pointless too... because you don't want to change for anyone else--at least not that early into dating. Later on in the relationship, working to get stronger or improve yourself in the relationship is key to it's survival. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Thanks for all the advice, I will definitely keep you posted on what is going on...so far I have a very good feeling... Link to comment
thejigsup Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 The trick to dating survival is being in complete control of your emotions. When it is the right time, place, and person, I am very warm, caring, and giving. But never to the point of neglecting my own feelings. When I see things aren't going well, I can automatically flip the switch and disconnect. You have to learn how to do this without becoming hard and uncaring at the wrong time. Loving others is what makes life worth living! Loving too much is what makes life a living hell. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 That makes a lot of sense right now everything has been going well and this is what I have been doing. He seems to like the fact that I can be emotional but then distant at the same time. We shall see what happens I will definitely use all the advice that I have been given. Fingers crossed... Link to comment
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