Not good enough?!?!?!?!?

[Fruitfull1]

OK. So I have been with my bf for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and were planning to get married. Well he's asked me twice without it having happened yet. I have been patient and tried not bringing it up so much. When he asked me there was no ring involved but I said yes because the ring doesnt matter as much to me as the actual committment. I want so much to marry him becasue I love him and I'm sure he loves me too but due to some pretty stong reasons I dont want to continue living with him if he does not intend to marry me. We have the marriage discussion here and there but nothing really comes of it...he just says what he always says...I am paying on your engagement ring, we dont have the money to get married the way HE wants, and so on and so forth. Mostly financial reasons. I told him that none of those things are as important to me as the actual committment and he still has not made any moves to take our relationship to the next level as he says he will. He asked me to marry him 2 and a half years ago...and nothing. Our relationship has had MAJOR problems but we have worked through them and stayed together. So we had the marriage discussion the other day and I asked him why we're waiting now as I have already made it clear that the ring is not important and its the committment I want. I asked him if he felt I am good enough for him and to my surprise he said "NO". said NO because he says I have no humility and lack humbleness and I'm not submissive enough. This really hurts because I thought that he loved me for who I am. I really thought that I was all of those things because most times if we argue I get quiet and listen, when he wants to do certain things I go with the flow even if I dont want to do them. When he wants or asks for something I give it with no expectations in return. I have no problem with him taking the lead as long as he doesnt make me look like a fool in the end as he has done previously a few years ago. He's a wonderful father and a great person for the most part I am glad to have him as a part of my life. I just dont understand why he never told me sooner how he really felt instead of letting me think he wants to marry me when in fact he does not.

What do you guys think? Any advice would be appreciated.....have a great day everyone....

[waveseer]

If you do not leave him you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt, of course you are good enough!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If I remember correctly this man cheated on you. Sounds like he will make every excuse in the book to blame his lack of commitment on you and who you are without taking a good long look at himself. He is full of crap and I would suggest you walk away from this relationship. He is not a good guy, he used you and strung you along, cheated on you and tried to make you feel like crap.

[-Sanguine-]

He doesn't sound like he's very good for you.

And honestly, if he wanted to marry you, he would. He wouldn't need to make excuses for it.

[Fruitfull1]

I guess I hung in ther ebecause he made some really big changes in his behaviors...he's not hanging out anymore...he's been extremely focused on providing for me and the baby. He's really turned himself around for the most part. He still has somethings to work on but I guess I'm just wondering why he didn't say something sooner about the so called "issues" he has with me so I could improve them. But I guess we cant win at everything in life. I appreciated his honesty when I asked for it though. Even though it hurt.

[Esteller]

hmm wow.. this is a tough call.. he done some bad things but turned around and changed for you and the baby.. but what really made him want to change.... if it wasnt you.. then what... the baby?

[Chickenjuice]

What specifically does he mean by "no humility and lack humbleness and I'm not submissive enough"? Sounds so very "Christian" of him, and yet he goes ahead and has sex before marriage. You are lucky you never married!

[annie24]

i guess since he admitted he doesn't want to marry you, i would definitely start making plans to move out and some kind of custody schedule. i think it's unfair that he strung you along for so long. i would move on at this point. my 2 cents. sorry.

[Fruitfull1]

Maybe you are right...maybe he changed for the baby...interesting concept. Guess I never thought of it that way. I am still curious as to why he didnt tell me before. He really hasnt said much as to why he didnt say anything. We just kinda ended the discussion.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Perhaps he is cheating again and this was the easy way out. His so-called reasons are real put downs...basically he was saying you weren't mousy enough for him...and yet you say you did cave in a lot to him...perhaps he wanted someone even more mousy than that. The guy sounds like a jerk...sounds like he wants to own a woman rather than have an equal partner. You should not aspire to his version of what a partner should be.

[Fruitfull1]

Not sure I follow what mousy means? Something tells me he's not cheating deep down. I just spent my lunch break in tears because I am shocked that he really said I am not good enough for him. God it hurts but thats all I really wanted was the truth and I finally got it so I think it hurts more so now because he's just now telling me. If this had of came out 2 years ago I think I would have handled it better and been less hurt you know? But it is what it is and he just basically gave me a reason to write this relationship off and take it as a loss. I'd much rather be with someone who finds me worthy and good enough. I think I am just scared of the thought that what if the next guy says or thinks I'm not good enough? I have some changes to make within myself so no one feels I'm not good enough even though I feel I am.

[25thfloor]

he sounds like a butthead. if you're not submissive enough for him, then, perhaps, he's not the right man for you. that is a major difference in life style. and what men don't understand, if they want to take the lead, they darn well better bring the tools to take the lead......never met one, personally! most folks are good at leading some of the time and should ride in the back seat the other times. give and take. and he cheated on you? you better run. don't set a bad example for your child.

[25thfloor]

let me tell you something. and the board helped me realize it. i am special. i go on everyday, expecting to be alone because that's what it seems like is happening...i stopped wondering about the next guy etc. i worked on myself. i am so happy (for the past2 years) and i'm no longer without a BF, but he found me....it was unexpected....and if he was gone tomorrow, i would miss him....but i would get over it. because this life is about what I bring to the table, through my friends, family and charities. God gave you a brain...to use....do NOT give this man another minute of your time. you are only 26????? you have your entire (plus some) long life ahead of you. drop this baggage and realize what you DO have. (hugs).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Mousy means submissive and a doormat, someone who is afraid to stand up for themself and will go along with anything in order to keep the peace. Yeah, he is most definitely a butthead...I wouldn't take it as an insult that he doesn't think you are good enough...I would take it as a blessing that you can now be free of this loser! Someone else will like you for who you are..and if nobody else appreciates you then who cares..the person who is most important to value who you are is yourself. Recognize your great qualities and recognize that this man's opinion of you does not mean anything. He has already proven himself to be unworthy of you.

[nina2009]

Hey, look at the situation this way: everybody does what they find comfortable for themselves. This guy lives with you, fathers a child with you, it means he is okay with this.

 

What he doesn't want to do and believe me it has NOTHING to do with you - he does not want to marry. Period. He was telling you before about financial issues, you dismissed them. He needs to explain his fear of marriage somehow else. You gave him a reason by asking if you are good enough. He all of a sudden understood that he has a great chance to blame it on you. It is BS because if what he said would be true, he wouldn't be living with you. So I recommend you to stop taking this blame on yourself.

 

You can continue living with him as it is now if you can enjoy it. If you can not enjoy it, then you need to change the situation be asking him to leave you. If he doesn't change over this, then so be it.

 

However again, do not take the blame.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you willing and able to walk away?

[Fruitfull1]

I suppose I could walk away...I know it will hurt like hell but last nite he made me feel even worse. he basically was saying how he thinks I have borderline personality disorder and telling me I'm a bad mother to sum it up. Not in those exact words though. he knows I am a full time student and work full time and I am trying super hard to balance everything out. He seems supportive of my decision to further my education but he feels like I'm neglecting or not doing as much around the house as I used to like cleaning and cooking and bathing our daughter every single day...but I thought it was a team effort and that he was willing to take over the household things so I can have time to study when I get home from work. I usually will make sure the baby has food for the week and braid her hair for the week so all he has to do is make dinner, bathe her, and some light cleaning through the week. I really didnt think this was too much for him. But the way he explains it is that I'm moody all the time, no fun, neglectful of household duties, and suffering from borderline personality disorder and he says that only women get diagnosed with it. * * * ? lol! He says I have a fear of being alone or "left" because everyone has left me in my life. He says I cant keep healthy relationships with people because I'm either too open or too closed off and somewhere down the line I screw up the relationships because of my lack of humility and humbleness....I was thinking if maybe I alter a few of the things he says he doesnt like about me.....maybe he will change some of his ways as well? But then here it goes again that I'll be bending for him...I just want to try it one last time and see and if not in 2 months which is also enough time for me to prepare to leave if he doesnt change....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hmm..those are pretty detailed and specific explanations of what he is feeling about the relationship and you. It is not a simple matter of saying you lack humility and humbleness..there is much more to it than that. He is saying your have borderline personality disorder, have been shirking household duties so that it all falls on his shoulders, have been moody etc. Perhaps it is time to think long and hard about his perceptions of you and the state of the relationship. Perhaps when he talked about you not being humble and lacking humility he is referring to his perception that you are not pulling your weight and simply focusing on your needs. I think you need to consider what he has just told you and be totally honest with yourself..perhaps the two of you can talk about it more and you can each come to a meeting of the minds regarding his perceptions and your perceptions...how to have a better balance so that you can get your work done but also that he doesn't feel like he is doing it all at home. Keep the dialogue open. Don't just cave in to him on everything..discuss and come to a happy medium so that you can both be happy.

[Circe]

due to some pretty stong reasons I dont want to continue living with him if he does not intend to marry me.

 

Well.. now you know for sure that he does not intend to marry you.. you can make plans for the rest of your life now free from the shackles of "if I just wait another month.."

[Ms Darcy]

I strongly disagree with this. He is not a psychiatrist and he cannot diagnose you with any such illness. Also, his insistance that only women get diagnosed with this indicates a certain ignorance on his part. Perhaps you are moody and perhaps you can help around the house or whatnot, but this conversation was not designed to serve as a fair airing of feelings. This was accounting for your failures and an attempt to beat down your self-esteem. Do not just lay back and say, "Oh well maybe he's right" and passively try to change yourself.

 

I think it's absolutely fair for you to speak your mind right back to him. If you think about yourself, and consider the root cause of your moodiness, then it's up to you to make personal changes. But don't do that because you want to try to convince this guy to marry you. It's pretty clear that he doesn't have respect for you - for who you are as the mother of his child and a potential long-term partner. I would say you should seriously consider walking away.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, he is not a psychiatrist and can't officially diagnose...but people can read up on personality disorders and compare behaviours of certain people to the list of behaviours in the personality disorder. Sometimes it is screaming obvious that a person has a personality disorder..obvious to everyone except the person themself. People typically don't say you have such and such unless they have really noticed certain behaviour patterns. You don't necessarily need a psychologist or psychiatrist to figure things out and figure out why things aren't working or why someone is behaving as they do. Yes, he may very well be a jerk..he has certainly done very jerky things..but that doesn't get her off the hook either..his perceptions should not simply be discounted just because he did some jerky things. I did say in my post that there needs to be open dialogue and discussion so she can evaluate if there are merits to his arguments. No, she shouldn't take everything he says as gospel...but she should indeed be doing some self-evaluation now that he has told her how he feels about her actions.

[Fruitfull1]

I really feel like he is just tryin to make it seem like there is something wrong with me to avoid the fact that he is the one with the personality disorder....and believe I am not the first one to tell him that about himself. He does display arrogant behavior and make ignorant comments and such but I have seen another side to him that I know is there...it just might not be there for me even though he says it is. Sometimes I just feel like everything is always about him. He will sometimes bend for me but majority of the time I'm doing the bending. He sent me a text earlier saying that I should trust his decisions while he's taking the lead for us...and by demonstrating my trust I just need to take care of home and the kids and show him special attention and his eyes wont wander. In a way thats fair because everyone in a relationship has specific wants or needs in the relationship that need to be fulfilled by each partner...so when I mentioned what my needs or wants are, it came down to simply do as I want you to do and there will be no problems. So what about my wants and needs? Ok I'll do better with the humility and humbleness but I wont be rail roaded either. So because I wont be railroaded I have a personality disorder.. come on now! SMH. I will work on some things with myself and correct the fact he thinks I am also insecure...well IMHO I am rightfully so with regards to the events that happened a couple years ago because of his antics. But I'm definitely not completely insecure...he has 2 sides to him and if I stay with him I will have to accept that is who he is...I just wished that he would understand that everything I do is for our family...my being in school is not just benefitting me...it will afford me the opportunity to advance my career making a higher salary so that my family will be financially secure...so its NOT about just me....I work 8+ hours a day on top of school 4+ hours a day to help pay bills. So my every day life is dedicated to doing for my family. He called me the other day talking about he was going to buy me this shirt he saw that he liked and then called me back and said "I dont like the sleeves so I'm not buyin it" after he called me and told me how great it was and he loved it. Then yesterday he calls me and asks me to buy him some shoes...I'm thinkin to myself ok what kind of games is he playing? He does that crap all the time...but he does have a sweet, caring and considerate side to him that I have experienced before and I just want to get it back. I think I was 2nd choice to his ex and he's making me feel the wrath because she and her didnt end up together....IDK what to think at this point...maybe I'm just reaching.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you are second choice then what is the point of staying with him. If he is pining for his ex then you may as well walk away. Don't be second choice...you should be first choice..his ex should pale in comparison to you. As for all the other stuff..it sounds like he wants to be leader and just expects you to follow for your own good...like you don't have a mind. It is rather arrogant of him to assume he knows what is good for you and won't consider your feelings on the matter. In a relationship there should be no leader/follower...it should be two equals considering each other's feelings. The issue with the shirt is very passive aggressive...giving with one hand and taking away with the other hand. Sounds like when a child says "I've got a secret but I'm not telling". It is a power play. As for the school, do it for yourself, not for him...he clearly doesn't appreciate it. Whatever is going on here it is not good and not healthy.

[alexalive]

Okay, first of all I ended up on this site because I was trying to find out

the author a certain quote and this page came up because people use quotes

in their tags or whatever. Also, I don't participate in forums or chatting &

rarely read blogs..... However, I got sucked into reading this entire post

about your relationship and everyone's responses & went through the processof registering etc because nobody has told you yet: THIS GUY IS NO GOOD FOR YOU!

 

Let me repeat: THIS GUY IS ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD FOR YOU!!

Whew!! Ok, I feel better! I was getting annoyed at him just reading what

he said to you! But I realize you don't feel better..... so, lets get

crystal clear with you about this situation....

 

I realize you have a child and that makes this more challenging in a way

that I don't understand. But what I do know is that children need to be in

safe healthy homes, one that this man clearly cannot provide by his use of

language and attitude towards you.

 

We can go through all the things that he has said & why you shouldn't be

with him but it is a real waste of time. You already know he is a jerk &

you're probably confused yourself why you are still with him. Thus, another

example of the conflict between the mind and the heart.

 

In your brain, you know this guy is "no good". I'm sure of it, he's just

done too much. If this wasn't your relationship but one of your friends',

you know what you would be saying to them. (LEAVE!) But in your brain,

you're also confused as to why your still with him.... or why your going to

wait another month to "see if he changes" or all the other excuses you've

told yourself over the years to stay with this guy.

 

First of all, your not a bad person. Your a great person. You deserve to be

happy, healthy, fulfilled in life, full of joy, complete, all the good stuff

in life. I can tell by just the things you say in your post your a good

girl. You really deserve it. A lot of people end up in relationships like

this so please don't feel alone or like your bad or did something wrong....

 

However, people are in relationships with people that support them. Of

course right? If people are not supporting us in life, then why are we with

them or around them. But what happens sometimes, when we are being

challenged by life and figuring out some things within ourselves.... like

discovering that we may believe some really horrible things about ourselves,

we meet people or situations and end up in relationships that support us

(but not in a good way).

 

I don't mean this to hurt you, but it is critical, so please realize it is

out of concern & love. You must believe some really bad things about

yourself. Maybe you think your a bad person. Or maybe you think your lucky

to have anyone at all. Maybe you think your unattractive. Or simply, just

bad. Whatever the negative things you believe about yourself, they are being

supported by this man. He is affirming all kinds of terrible things about

you. Some people may even consider some of his behavior abusive..... Why

else would you be with this guy unless he was supporting you? Maybe you were

abused by your parents (lots of us have gone through that) and he is just

picking up where they left off??? I don't know your history or where this is

coming from....

 

But is he supporting the TRUE you? The part of you that is loved by GOD, the

DIVINE, and deserves to have healthy fulfilling relationships with people

who adore you and want you to be joyous and free? Is he supporting the truth

within you that you a really good person full of gifts to offer the world

and the ability to be magnificent in a relationship? Is he supporting the

truth about you that your are taking huge steps in your life by going to

school and bettering yourself and thus your influence on your child?

 

You really need to spend time doing what you are doing on this site which is

discussing this and thinking about this relationship. Because if you don't

heal the part of yourself that thinks your "bad" or "unworthy" or whatever,

you're going to continue to attract men who affirm that you are.

 

Think about this objectively for a moment.... If we both knew a girl (or

guy) and they were full of self love, joy, and confidence, and knew they

were loved by GOD and knew they deserved the best life possible... would

they be in a relationship with a guy (or girl) who says the kind of things

that your guy says to you? Not to hurt you, but just so you understand what

this is really about. Its actually not about him at all. He is who he is.

And what he ISN'T is good enough for you. But until you find that place

within you, which is what this relationship is all about by the way, your

going to keep finding this kinds of affirmations in your life, sometimes

showing up as relationships, miserable work environments that shrink you,

etc.

 

Your life is a precious gift. Life is always loving you. Sometimes GOD/Life

has to love us in ways that feel painful for a while (trust me, I know!),

but ultimately is for our best in life. Maybe this relationship is a gift

from GOD giving you the opportunity to look inside and see what it is that

you really believe you deserve in a relationship and begin to heal that with

the divine. Your creator (however you identify) really wants the best life

for you. Do you really think that this guy can give it to you? What do you

believe about yourself or believe you deserve that is standing in the way

from LIFE giving this to you?

 

Sounds like you got some work to do, but that is what life is always about.

 

You really are a good person and you really do deserve someone who treats

you like one.