Ex GF always comes into the picture

[Flashing Lites]

My boyfriend has been in two relationships before me. His first relationship ended because the girls parents wouldnt approve because of opposing religions. It was a hard breakup and it took a long time for my boyfriend to get over her. In the meanwhile he dated a second girl thinking he was over his first but his first girlfriend would come in and out of the picture. He ended his second relationship figuring he wasnt over his first ex girlfriend. After some time, me and him met and we started dating. We went through some problems, and went on a break. During this time, i found out his second girlfriend was not over him and kept wanting to meet up with him, they had gotten together during our break. We eventually got back together and he cut his second girlfriend off. However, just this past november i found out that he chatted with his first ex girlfriend on msn, and then email letters were exchanged and they were also having phone conversations for a long time. I found out because i saw a missed call from her when he left the phone with me. I asked him who that was, and he lied to me that it was his friends sister...and after questioning him a little more he confessed that it was his ex. I was upset that he hid this from me, did this behind my back and then lied to me. He understood why i was upset and cut her off. THis happened way back in november. Back to the present, I just went through some personal things, and i needed time to myself, i told him i needed a break and didnt talk to him for a while. I called him after couple days he told me he missed me and loved me. He started feeling guilty and confessed that he was afraid i was going to break up with him, and he started talkin to his first ex girlfriend again. I wanted to see the emails that were exchanged but he refused to show me and told me that he deleted them right away in fear that i would see them. He also said that i should appreciate his honesty with me. I told him that although i appreciate his honesty it doesnt make what he did right.

 

I feel like he is not over her yet and is stringing me a long for the ride because he either does not want to be alone, or he knows him and her will never work out, so he is with me. I also feel like everytime i need space or break or if i dont talk to him for a while he'll go running back to his ex girlfriend.

 

I never find the need to talk to my ex boyfriends behind my boyfriends back.

 

what is your opinion and what would you suggest i do?

[waveseer]

This may seem a bit drastic, but I would ask him to choose and then leave him alone to make his decision. The reason is that because he's hiding it that means he's got current feelings for her.

[HouseKitten]

Either he still harbours feelings for her, or she's a handy fallback when you two have an argument. He might not necessarily want to get back with her, but she probably provides an emotional safety net when he's having problems with a new woman. He may be feeling lonely and confused about the two of you, and worried, and there she is ready to listen and be sympathetic and offer him a shoulder to cry on.

 

It's up to you if you give him another chance with this. It does sound like he's the sort of guy who will just strike up contact with her again when things get tough and you'll find out either because he gets guilty and confesses, or you catch him.

 

I can't help thinking if it was completely innocent then he wouldn't feel the need to hide what he was up to in the first place.

[Flashing Lites]

yeah the first time i "caught" him he said he did it because he was curious..i dont know what that means..and claimed he was over her..we both got over and moved on...now we stumbled upon this...it just doesnt seem right and i feel upset and confused.

[HouseKitten]

I put up for 3-4 years with my ex being in contact with his ex-girlfriend sporadically. I hated it, and her, as she was very very present at the start of our relationship and basically I think the fact that he never let go of her and insisted on keeping so much contact with her had a hand in our breakup - he never actually cheated with her but I despised the emotional history between them and how he was so stubborn about protecting their friendship.

 

Added to that, after we split up he confessed that he actually saw her a lot more than I ever knew about - he simply never told me because he knew I didn't agree with it.

 

You can keep giving him chances and hope he'll leave her be, or you can decide enough is enough already and cut if off before you get any more hurt coming your way. It's up to whether you think you can trust him.

[renaissancewoman101]

If the ex is not actively trying to break up your relationship, I don't see why people demonize the ex and go out of their way to break the freindship between their SO and the ex.

 

Maybe they feel threatened when there is no cause to be?

[Cognitive_Canine]

This ex broke up his past relationships before. I think the OP is justified in her wariness of the exes. He obviously doesn't have the self control.

 

I think he has a problem letting go. He's collecting exes and dragging them into his next relationship.

 

I'd break up with him and tell him once he gets his feelings sorted out, to find me.

 

I'm friends with my exes. It's never been a problem.

[arcadefire]

This is why I can't date men who keep in constant orbit with their exes. He obviously doesn't care about you enough to let go of his exes, and it clearly seems like he's still hung up on them. Don't bother with such an unavailable man. There are men out there who will give up talking to their exes for a real present day girlfriend in a heartbeat.