It's truly amazing how an ex can rewrite your relationship history

[rebelfac]

to justify her actions and clear her consciense. Do women do this more than men? I talked to her last night about our daughter and just couldn't believe how she dissed our family past of 12 years and pretended that it was far different than what it was. I point to some of her happy emails as proof that she is making this up but she selectively ignores it. It seems like it is impossible to be friends and I no longer want this different person back. The person I used to know definitely no longer exists. It really is necessary to move on. Nine months later and she is still in the honeymoon phase and still can't see things clearly. I guess 80k hours of best friend conversation, 1700 times being intimate and 12 years of being a happy family means so little to her. This is not very sweet or feminine.

[agent1607307371]

This is not very sweet or feminine.

 

Err...

 

 

That said, perspective is sujective. Your relationship with her isn't the same as the relatiosnhip she had with you. I don't know that women do it more than men, but I think it's important not to let the other perspective of the relationship change yours.

[bronte]

I think we all rewrite our relationship histories, honestly...We just don't notice when we're doing it ourselves, we think we have the "right" version and everyone else's is off!

[I_Speak_Jive]

It's the Grass Is Browner syndrome

 

Remember when we all got Windows 98 and we thought it was amazing... Then we got Windows XP and the '98 version seemed lame, sad and incomplete.

 

Of course, when Vista came along we all missed XP like crazy and we wished we had appreciated it more Guess it works both ways...

 

I was in a bad relationship once, but I never realised just how bad it was until I was in an amazing one later. I was content with certain things back then, but the same dynamics would be unacceptable to me now.

 

tDo women do this more than men?

 

I am going to say no to this one.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Men do it too...lol

 

my ex cheated on me... and i'm getting emails and letters and notes... with him telling me that he forgives ME for cheating on him and all the horrible horrible things i did to him.

 

Ok.... right.

 

Its what people do when they don't want to face their responsibility in how their own life turns out.

 

I know i wasn't perfect- but you can't expect perfect when you are in an imperfect situation.

 

Its just a way that people justify poor behavior. It has nothing to do with you and you are better off not asking, not knowing.. and just moving on.

 

Its hard, it hurts, but we really don't have a choice in the matter except to move forward.

[and again]

My ex definatly re wrote what we had been doing in the "back as friends stage" Addmitly i wanted more all the way through, but i didnt mention it to the degree that i thought in the end i was spurning her advances and thought that i may be pushing her away. Ex who dumped me, came out with the following and not until the last of a long list did i ask her to get back with me, this happened dureing a two month period ending 1 month ago.

1. Said via txt after seeing her 1 night i looked good and she wished she was good enough for me.

2. Would ask me to not put phone down when said i was off after conversation as she was enjoying speaking to me.

3. Cried when she had her period as wasnt sure she wanted it, after me asking sevral times why she was tearfull on phone.

4. Would panic if i seen her un made up, and only me.

5. Said we should buy a house together as "friends" as she would never go with any one else and thought that i probably wouldnt either.

6. Cried on phone saying how sorry she was for being messed up with life etc.

7. Constantly bragged up my body (dont mean to sound up myself not).

8. Would contact me a lot more when i was on a night out.

9. Said maybe if you were to ask to marry me i might say yes.

10 When once via txt called her mate she said im not of the male species or one of your friends.

The last time we spoke she was saying how down she was and if not for her kids wouldnt mind if dead or alive. Thats when i asked her if she still loved fancied trusted me , she said yes. I said well put your trust in me and lets get back together.

Thats when she said you want more than me this friends thing isnt working. I honestly cant work it out how she rewrote the past two months, now 1 month n/c im pretty sure she still has feelings for me but is so messed up that she found it easier to run. Any ideas?

[catfeeder]

It's part of a cycle. You'll be a saint in a year or two.

[journeynow]

I call it "perspective". Which changes, depending on where you stand in life, and is colored by emotions and what you are going through at the time. When you think about what perspective is, it never stays the same, unless you never move, never change, never grow, which is pretty much impossible.

[John Bendix]

I call it "perspective". Which changes, depending on where you stand in life, and is colored by emotions and what you are going through at the time. When you think about what perspective is, it never stays the same, unless you never move, never change, never grow, which is pretty much impossible.

 

In regards to perspective, it is not how you view something but where you view it from. If you veiw your life situation in egoic terms, you see the world in terms of what would be in your ego's best interest. Seeing the world though the mind of thoughts and the emotional reactions the ego brings on, yes I agree, the perspective is altered.

 

To the OP, the re-writing of history is a maladaptive defense mechanism to protect our egos. The unpleasant emotional reactions that we experience by our perception of the events that have transpired in our lives, can be (temporarily) avoided if our memory (image) of them is changed by us. The more we do this, the easier it becomes a pattern. A defense mechaism is a pattern of how to deal with events, thoughts and the emotional reactions they create.

[barrakuda]

It's part of a cycle. You'll be a saint in a year or two.

 

what do you mean?

[jettison]

It's part of a cycle. You'll be a saint in a year or two.

 

Exactly. So wise. This has always been the case for me. If a woman I've dated is hating on me now, there's a close to perfect chance that she'll later adore me again. Never seems to fail. People just make up reasons and excuses why they aren't with someone because it's too difficult to think someone is amazing and then not be with them. You have to run out the laundry list of negativity just so you can deal.

 

And it's also true that everything looks perfect from far away. It's only when we get so close that we see all the imperfections. People like fuzzy love for this reason. The farther away you get, the more you get idealized. And heh, it's true for me too. I have these amazing thoughts about some of my ex's at times, but occasionally I'll start to spend more time with them, and then it will dawn on me... "Oh yeah! That's right! She's a mess. This is why we're not dating."

[jettison]

In regards to perspective, it is not how you view something but where you view it from. If you veiw your life situation in egoic terms, you see the world in terms of what would be in your ego's best interest. Seeing the world though the mind of thoughts and the emotional reactions the ego brings on, yes I agree, the perspective is altered.

 

To the OP, the re-writing of history is a maladaptive defense mechanism to protect our egos. The unpleasant emotional reactions that we experience by our perception of the events that have transpired in our lives, can be (temporarily) avoided if our memory (image) of them is changed by us. The more we do this, the easier it becomes a pattern. A defense mechanism is a pattern of how to deal with events, thoughts and the emotional reactions they create.

 

Yes, and it's for this reason that I get so disappointed and annoyed when I see a current girlfriend start pulling out all the stops to vilify me for qualities which she once adored. Either she thinks I'm aiming to leave, or she's aiming to leave, but one way or the other, her ego is looking for some surefire escape routes from potential damage.