Ok heres the situation

[doc]

I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 3 years about 6 weeks ago. The reason I broke up with her is because I cheated on her with one of my close friends and I thought I wanted to start a relationship with this other girl. Things have been going all right with this new girl, but I realize that I am still very much in love with my ex gf and the whole situation was a mistake. I think, but of course I am not sure, that if I went back to my ex we might be able to work things out if we tried.

 

I never knew what it meant to love someone until four or five nights a go balling my eyes out. I feel like I am living in some kind of alternate universe and everything just isn't right. I wish I could turn back the clock. There are so many choices I made over the last month and a half that were stupid and ill considered. I don't want to make any more mistakes.

 

I know I hurt my ex real bad, and of course if I go back to her, or try I will hurt the new girl too. She has fallen for me pretty bad even though she doesn't know the real me. I feel trapped.

 

Please help

[Dragonlady]

Hi Doc

 

I've just read your post and it's made me think about my situation only it was the reverse. So I am going to try and give you a girls perspective (even though we are all different). If you want your G/F back then you most show her that you are sincere. I don't know what the reasons for your split were but it you want to make the relatioship work then you both have to be very honest with each other and try and work through it. It will be hard and probably painful but if she means that much to you then it will be worth it. As for your current girlfriend try and be honest and let her down gently (if such a thing exists). As for your mistakes we all make them (I don't know what they are but assume they are to do with your ex) if they are then by being honest and talking through them with here might not take the pain away but there could be some understanding there.

 

Hope this helps. Let me know how you get on.

 

Take care, DragonLady

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Sorry you lost your ex. you post was real honest and coming from the heart. cheating as you already know destroys relationships like nothing else. I myself have never been able to trust or put anything back together after that has happened. Anything but that. However many people i have found are able to put it behind them I think with trust you only have a chance to make it special the first time around. It is never the same trying to regain that sacred trust. You may never get her back, and if you did she may never trust you again. I know you are sorry and I think that is great. And as i have had to learn........sorry we don't get to turn the clocks back.........boy I would be first in line for the ride on the time machine backwards.....boy have i done some dumb and stupid things in relationships . i think we all have in the name of love. At least you have learned a very dear lesson...what not to ever do again............I think they call that living and making mistakes in life

 

good luck i hope you get her back

 

kuhl

 

8)

[Stingseed]

You must be honest with her. Probably at first she may want some time alone from you and you must respect this. I must say like dragonlady it is the reverse thing for me too. Being sincere is the best things you have as a formula to get her back.

[NightLily]

Oddly enough, I seem to be in nearly the same situation as you.. except I'm in the role of the ex girlfriend. So.. I may be able to give you some good perspective on this. For me, well.. I have learned this over the past month and a half (lol.. same time as you).. that trust is extremely important. I was never really able to trust my boyfriend.. and I always got the feeling something fishy was going on being my back. I am also pretty sure that if he were to ask me out right now.. I would almost be mad. So.. if you really want to get back together with her, I would take things slowly, work on rebuilding the trust that was lost, and make it clear to her.. in some way or another, that you are no longer interested in this "new girl". heh.. I am getting overly emotional over this. ^_^'. Good Luck getting her back.. and. please, for her, me, and the rest of the world, learn your lesson and don't cheat on girls anymore?

[sugarplum]

i have a couple of questions--how much contact have you had while you were broken up and how did you treat her durin this time?

 

i too am in a similair situation (i'm the ex gf...)

[littlefeet]

hey doc,

My questions are similar to sugarplum's, but you do seem to have thought your feelings through and to know what you want, and what will make you happy. If you really love your ex the way you say you do, I think it's a good idea to talk to her about things. She may not be able to take you back, or at least not right away, but I think the issue here is being true to your feelings and facing what they are, whether or not they work in your favour. Thinking back on similar situations I've been in, honest communication clears the air, even if it doesn't do it in the way you'd prefer.

Additionally, you probably should end it with your new girlfriend--the feelings you're having for the ex aren't exactly fair to her. While they don't mean you wouldn't ever be able to care in the right ways for your new girlfriend, you don't now. . . . Of course you'll hurt her, but it will be an honest hurt, and something that is fairer to her in the long run.

[lelucats]

Hi, Doc!

 

What was going on with you and/or between you and your girlfriend before you had the affair? I would really focus on trying to understand what lead up to your changes in thoughts and emotions. At some level you must have been willing to give up what you and your girlfriend had. What were your thoughts at that time?

 

If my partner were to have an affair, I would wonder what was missing in our relationship. Had communication become shallow? Did that "spark" between us die? Were we feeling stuck--either trapped or stuck in a rut with that sense of progress gone? Concentrate more on the why's vs. the mistakes themselves.

 

Hope this helps! Lelu

[doc]

Thanks for all of the advice everybody.

 

I broke things off with the new girl. She was justifiably pissed off.

 

I talked to my ex and she was willing to work things out. Obviously there are going to be issues with trust. We talked about how she didn't want to get hurt again and it would take her a long time before these fears died away. Of course I can accept that, and we will work on it. I don't know how to win her trust back besides being faithful, honest and frank about what I am feeling. Even though I have a vested interest in working things out I think and hope that we can do it.

 

Several of you wanted to know some of the details about what happened leading up to the brake up. There was no one thing that went wrong in our relationship. It was just a matter of getting too comfortable; we were also talking about moving things to the next level (engagement, etc.) Although I was excited about these possibilities, subconsciously I was worried and unsure if she was the person I would spend my life with. Then she went away on a trip and I went out for a friend's b-day celebration. I had too much to drink and the new girl told me that she had feelings for me. Things were exciting and I had fantasized about her before. We went back to her house and although I guess technically I didn't cheat (no sex), but it was too much for me to handle. When my gf got back I broke up with her. I have an ego problem because I think that everything that I do has to be logical, rational and well-considered. I figured that I wouldn't have gone to the new girl's house unless I wanted to leave my ex. I couldn't accept the fact that I make bad decisions.

 

I spent a week or so getting myself together and I started seeing the new girl. Things were ok, but after the initial euphoria wore off I realized that had made a huge mistake. I have spent the last week and half trying to understand what I am feeling. I needed to know if it was simple regret over loosing a great relationship, or if it was something more. I talked to several close friends who had been in similar situations and thought about it myself for a long time. I knew it was more. I needed my ex in my life. I can't describe it besides saying that there is emptiness inside of you that aches and drives you crazy.

 

A lot of people suggested that I really just need time to myself to figure things out, and that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. I know that this is probably the decision that is the most logical, but I also know myself. I know now what I need to be happy. I need my ex back. I used to think that I was the strong one in our relationship, and that she used me as support. In a lot of ways I regretted this. I hated having to be the strong one in the relationship. I now realize that I relied on her for a lot more than I ever knew. She provided me with so much happiness, and that happiness was the greatest feeling in my life.

 

I realize that this is a lengthy post, and a lot of it is probably more than people want or need to know. I just wanted to provide the details to people so they can draw upon it if they are in a similar situation. To those people who said that they are in a similar situation, but on the flip side all I can say is follow your heart. Only you know if you can give up your anger and learn to trust again. To all those people who may be in my situation, or are in a committed relationship. Think about yourself and others before you act. And realize the effect that your words have on other people. You can't take them back when they are out there.

 

If anyone has tried to work things out with there ex I would like to here what they did. Has anyone tried relationship counselling? Has anyone been successful without it? I know that I need help on dealing with my own issues, but I want to do that on my own first.

 

thanks again for the help it means a lot.