lelucats

Hi BreakUpVet...what a sweet soul you are. I think she needs to learn how to live her own life without any man in it. When she knows that she can take care of herself and children she will feel empowered. This will clear her mind up too so that she can make more determined decisions. This ex of hers is ripping up her self esteem. Notice how she backed down when you got angry w/her? She didn't fight back w/you like she had before. She's losing her self identity to this ex and that's why she can't say no to him. I don't know what you should do, seems that if you leave her to own, she will run to him which is bad news. She needs to become educated on what abuse is, maybe you could print from the net whatever info you can find and give it to her. Or find her books to read. I'm sure it's crushing you to see her spiral down like this. Please don't stop posting...I've grown to care very much what happens to you all and would miss you if you left the forum. Blessings, Lelu

Hi Princess, my 2 cents...I think we are all given difficult circumstances in which to get thru and grow individually. I think if we choose to ignore, we will be presented with the same growth opportunity again and again until we finally get thru it. (just my opinion) Once we get thru a difficult time, we are so much stronger and it feels soooo good! We can then look back with understanding and appreciation of what we went thru, and a new sense of inner strength in which to face the future. Along the way we can help others then, with our new found "wisdom". Facing a 3rd divorce must be so worrisome. I know my 2nd one was, cut to the core of all of my beliefs. I would imagine that with your husband's circumstances you feel overwhelmed and at times pretty helpless. Remember, you are not alone. Maybe there is a women's group you could find that could give you a better sense of support. I would also think that your own personal needs and wishes come 2nd and that that is getting worrisome. It's hard to balance self when too many outside demands are being pressed upon us. Perhaps make a list of things you would like to do, things that nourish your soul, and make a point to give yourself the right to do at least one of them everyday. Your love for your husband sounds precious and I think you should stay, but find better balance between meeting his needs and yours. I wish you continued strength! Lelu

How stressful!!! I agree with Bree that it is your choice. Remember, we can't control other people, we can only control how WE RESPOND to them. The best way to not argue with someone is to not respond. Just brush it off, walk away, take a walk. I'm sorry to hear your Mom is feeling tired. Sounds like all 3 of you are going thru some tough times, individually, and rather than pulling together each has had to "go into their own world" to cope. Maybe some counselling would help, can't hurt. Kudos to you for wanting to break thru this stage of uncertainty. You're a brave person and sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. What are your goals for the next 6 months? By continuing to focus on yourself and your goals I think others will impact you less on a day to day basis. Take care! Lelu

Hi, Sankin Sometimes when we feel empty inside, we help others so that we can feel something good about ourselves. Helping others can "save" us in a sense from otherwise feeling totally worthless. And there lies the problem. I'm 43 and still don't know why the hell i'm on this planet, but I continue to search within myself and discover. I sense that there is something greater and thereforeee hang on. I have to battle my negative thinking and keep in mind that I have alot of good qualities but just haven't found where I belong yet. I trust that I will find it, just don't know when or where. I take stock of the things that I am soooo grateful for, too. This helps to get out of depressed times that so often suck me dry. I'm totally in a rut right now and am going to seek counseling. In the past TALKING with others has been a life saver. My advice is to trust in yourself to get thru, remind yourself of all of your good qualities and talk things out with others. Glad to see your post! Lelu

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Wow, that is such GREAT NEWS! YOU did it! I'm 2.5 yrs clean and sober this Dec. 7th...yay! YOU CAN DO IT! Going to treatment saved my life...going to meetings kept me sane. Be good to YOU! Lelu

Why invest time wondering why?? I'd ignore it. You have a great life now and don't want to go back. Eventually she'll stop. You could ask her to stop it now, tho too, it it's getting on your nerves. Her calls are intruding on your present day life.

Sorry to hear about this! She should NEVER respond to his emails again. She should BLOCK his email addresses whenever they come thru. If possible, she may want to change her email address. I'm glad to hear she'll be moving in with you. Make sure that around moving time that she's not followed so that the guy can't learn her new address. I had a stalker who became angry, I ended up moving, changing ph # and making sure that mutual acquaintances didn't know of my new location or ph #. I don't know how possible this will be in your situation, but do all that you can. Unless necessary, don't go the Temp. Restraining Order route, as stalkers love to have their "dates" in court, too! Take care, you two! Lelu

If when you go out and you're not thinking of her, that makes me wonder how much you care about her. If you care enough to want to get to know her, then i'd ask her out on a one-on-one real live date. It sounds like she really likes you by how she's kept in touch with you, like she's waiting for you to make up your mind about her one way or another. Also, how much time can you devote to her? Sounds like that came up in the past and if it would still be an "issue", I'd maybe hold off on pursuing her until you are free to concentrate on a relationship. Also, also (!) I would want to feel special in the eyes of my date, more than just a convenient companion. As much as she likes you, be sure your feelings are fairly mutual so that she doesn't get hurt down the road. Be very open with her on where you stand. Good luck!!

Thanks Switch and Clever! I'm gonna give it a couple more days and see if he calls, then will decide again from there whether to initiate contact. And I was doing soooo good! Feel back to square one in some ways, DOH! Thanks again! Lelu

Hi Ray, Being in limbo is soooo frustrating! I think you should contact her and find out where she's at emotionally with you. It will be hard for you to decide whether to wait or move on until you know what she feels. Not that your contact has to be intense. You can get a good sense if she's interested with a simple Hello. I wish you the best! Keep us posted! Lelu

OK, I'm obsessing, breaking down, want to contact him...should I????

Thank you, Switch! I really appreciate your thoughts! Especially from a man's perspective. Yes, I think sensitive guys are rather rare, and worth holding on to when found. I agree we need to communicate. You mentioned a "transition" relationship -- I'm not familiar with that, could you tell me more about what that means or point me to a website about it? It never occurred to me that this time it may not be rebound, or that it may fall into a different relationship type. I understand about the "trap door under the rug" too. I know I'm letting fears get in the way and hate the duality of appearing self confident. Inside I just want to relax into this guy and move forward, fears or not. Anyway, thanks again! Lelu

Hi and thanks for reading---Please post your advice! We met a year ago and fell in love w/each other. I was a rebound tho, he and fiancee (of 2 yrs) had broken up just 1 or 2 months before I met him. After 3 months he was confused w/old feelings for ex and went back to her. They've had a rocky go of it over the past months and he'd call me from time to time feeling miserable. He'd tell me he loved me, missed me, wanted me, etc. I told him that after he broke it off with her and had some time alone to heal, he could call me. He called (~4 months ago?) and i went out w/him 2 times. I asked no questions--just let him be himself to see how he'd handle himself. He didn't call back and I came out of it feeling like a booty call (no, I didn't give him anything physical other than a kiss/hug.) He called last week, said they'd been broken up for 2 months. I told him how happy I was for him and congratulations! But I also let him know that I had no need for a booty call and that if he wanted to be with me I needed him to be respectful of me. My emotions have been thru the wringer with this guy. Since he called last week, i can't get him out of my mind. I've felt like our relationship didn't have the chance to go the full course and I still harbor some hope. Being the "rebound" scares me. His initial break up w/me to go back to her hurt me so deeply and took a long time to heal from. I realize that part of my reaction is ego based, yet again, I don't want him to think that he can use/discard my feelings so easily. In his past calls he would tell me that he missed ME. This time he acted all confident about his life and simply said that he was lonely. I don't know whether to think it's me he wants or if anybody will do. He didn't outright apologize for not contacting me after the last time when we saw each other twice. He did say that I could kick him in the head when I saw him. Since our talk, he hasn't called back. So, these are my questions for you lovely folks: (if you're wondering, I still love him, have dated and found myself comparing guys to him only, want him terribly, am just scared to go there again) 1. Do you think I'm just the rebound again? 2. Should I continue to wait for him to contact me again or call him? I've been waiting for him to contact me again as that would show me that he's serious about ME. 3. He's an emotionally sensitive guy and I'm sure that it took some courage to call me...did I crush him? Should I have just welcomed him with open arms again? Friends and family tell me I'm crazy to even consider going back with him after all he's pulled me thru. Love is crazy, huh? Thank YOU so much for reading and please please respond!

a few thoughts from an alcoholic... (A = alcoholic) A's are typically very intelligent people with great senses of humor and extra sensitive hearts. I've met more sweet souls in AA mtgs. than in church, and laughed alot more too. Addiction defies logic. There's no out-thinking it. There are physiological differences between an A and a non-A. Whenever an addict ingests a mood altering substance the liver processes it slower than normal. "Normal" people can drink, process alcohol faster and then their brains tells them "enough". If they ignore the message, they get sick. A's rarely get sick because of the slower processing. Chemicals build and build and our brains don't "get the message", before we know it we're drunk and could care less what message the brain has. Also there's a part of the brain, in layman's terms the "pleasure center". This center gets chemically altered and does not return to normal. The changes build and build and that's why once an A, always an A. I think of it as a calcifying process (tho definitely not medically correct) -- with every introduction of chemicals, another layer is added. That's why it always takes more and more to feel high. There's no going backward with this. Our brains adjust themselves chemically. If we're "tickling" this center with foreign substances, it slows down it's natural production of "feel good" (endorphins) chemicals to the point that naturally we don't feel good emotionally without drinking, because the brain has come to expect outside sources to maintain equilibrium. You've heard of "runner's high"? Same area of the brain. That's why an addict is an addict is an addict--often crossing over into other addictions, in order to feel emotionally well. You're 19 so you may be thinking, I'm young yet -- too young to worry about this. Addiction will steal time away from you like nothing else. Above poster mentioned sis in 40's. Me too. I drank for 25 years, had family, career, etc...but gave up so much of myself to alcohol. Mostly emotionally. We A's are uncomfortable with feelings. Sounds like you're going thru some stresses (school, difficult parent relationship). Please get real with these things now. Learn and grow from your current situation and move on. If you go down the path of chemical escapement it will suck you dry. You will end up having much more on your plate to deal with in ADDITION to what you're going thru now. We all go thru trials. We need to learn how to get thru them or we remain stuck in repeat mode. Life demands that we get thru trials, there's no getting out of it. One can delay, but not ignore. It's your choice. I wish you the best, Lelu

I think the hardest part of being abused is the break down of self. Healing from physical blows goes quicker than healing does from the damage done to our minds, hearts and souls. When I left, it was as if I didn't know how to do ANYTHING. I had to relearn the most basic things, this from a one time professional woman! For instance, how to call to have utilities turned on. Simple things! It honestly took me a solid year, with a lot of hard work and help from friends, family, and yes, the counsellors to get back to a functioning adult. And in all this, I felt guilty for leaving! I felt sorry for him and his problems. I put myself down for not being able to love him enough to stay. I felt responsible for his state. I had to relearn how to think of myself first, because I had been "trained" to always think of him first...that was really hard because it's so embedded deep in the subconscious. I had to hear (in women's shelter group) over and over that His thinking was the mixed up one, because thinking anything contrary to him was unfathomable! I obviously didn't know up from down and I had to stay clear of him and his influences so that other's ideas could eventually be considered by my numb brain. Slowly, dawning of what used to be "me" started to come thru. That was scary too, because I no longer trusted my thinking or capabilities. Also frightening because I started to think contrary to him--what would his response be--what repercussions would ensue??? Friends and family were so important at this stage because they confirmed that this "new" thinking was on the right track. It's been 2 years now and he's still the absolutely clueless "victim" (i LEFT him!). I'm back in college. My daughter and I are having fun together and not living in constant fear. She had a fantastic year in school. Don't walk or tiptoe away from this man...RUN!!! It takes time to separate the "him" that is imprinted in you. Know that you are a worthy loving person...relearn that if it sounds false to you now. Someone asked me once "How much rent is he paying?" I'm like, what??? She said, "With all that time he's spent in your head, I was wondering how much rent he's been paying you!!" My heartfelt prayers are with you...Lelu