Let's talk about the heart of my issue here

[MissKnowitall]

Last year I returned from four years of living abroad. I traveled North America, Europe, studied at a University, closed some deals, expanded my business, and experienced some exciting wonderful things.

 

When I returned I was happy to fall back into my career and to see everyone as I only visited loved ones on a rare occasion while on lay-overs and never actually left the airport when I was in town.

 

 

Christmas was spent with our families as usual. Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas day with both our families, and Boxing Day with his family. His family wanted us to spend Christmas Eve with them this year but as my mother is dying, I wanted to spend that tradition with my side. I assured my bf that if he really wanted to visit his family I would not be upset but I do not know how much time I have left with her. Our spending equal time with each side isn't going well with his family. There are certain things that are important to my mother and I will be there for her and we do spend equal time with each side.

 

Of course with the holidays the extended families are together and I was asked about my travels quite intensively by his side. Usually people are interested in the course of my studies, what it was like to live in other countries, what the people were like, and what places I visited.

 

Not this time. I was asked with much hostility how much money I made prior to leaving to afford going so long living it up traveling the world without actually working the whole time. I was asked how much the hotels cost, airfare, my lifestyle, activities, and how much my education cost. I was asked how much I was making in business upon my return and how much my current living expenses (mortgages, transportation, bills etc....I have zero debt which means I do not have a mortgage because everything I have is paid off and I don't owe on a single credit card. I only own three: one that is American, one that is European, and one that is Canadian that I use for business expenses and travel otherwise I pay cash or through transfers). I was graceful and careful in my answers and largely ignored the comments that were made toward me later in the evening but they have been recurrent and I've harbored resentment to certain folk that first placed judgment upon me. It was like sitting in an inquisition from hell and its not like it was the first time I was meeting the family here.

 

None of them have ever traveled. None of them are educated and most including my bf don't have a high school education. I say "hey! School isn't for everybody but I did it because I could and wanted to!" (of course I haven't actually said that out loud.

 

They are proud of their blue collar roots which they should be and none of them have experienced career stability. ie: They're job hoppers that don't stick to anything. There is no ambition or drive to do better. There seems to be a pride and real honor in making due with very little. They are not poor but they would sure like you to think they have overcome the poverty of destitute starving Africans. I appreciate their pride but not when its thrown in my face every waking opportunity my bf is away.

 

I never gave too much thought about their lifestyles because they were people important to my bf and it never mattered to me.

 

Christmas day my bf talked about the presents exchanged with my family, my father's expensive hobbies, and the news that my sisters had both purchased brand new homes in gated communities and luxury cars. They are 20 and 21 years old. My family has welcomed him into our clan and do everything to make him feel at home and takes an interest in such exciting events as his "future sisters in law" buying their first homes.

 

Later in the evening while my bf was out of the room I was bombarded with comments about how my education doesn't matter because most people that are very intelligent don't even go to school. It doesn't mean anything in the real world.

 

White collar folk don't deserve what they have and don't actually work. They are liars, cheaters, and deceivers. The bottom of the barrel.

 

People that have money are less happy than them because they actually appreciate what they have.

 

I should close my business (not sell it) and get a job at a department store or as a grocery clerk. ie: earn a living for once in my life.

 

People that have money are more likely to cheat on their spouses, are less moral, and are terrible parents.

 

I need to relax and stop being so polite because its fake. (I place a napkin on my lap, know what utensils to use, and chew with my mouth closed. I'm not excessively or annoyingly over the top)

 

It goes on and on. It was actually pretty bad and if it weren't for my ability to deal with such awkward situations I would most likely have bolted in tears or talked back. I maintained my calm and went to the kitchen for a drink to escape the animosity.

 

I told my bf and we discussed what we would do if my family were to treat him that way or if such a thing were to happen again. We agreed to an exit strategy and the person whose parents are being rude would be the one to say something. I'm not confronting his parents and don't believe its my place until we are married to say something. We're not even engaged at this time so it just would not be right. It is really up to him to stand up to his parents but of course they deny any wrong doing.

 

I'm not going to apologize for what I've accomplished and I've never had anything handed to me. While growing up, my parents struggled financially resulting in my moving out at a tender age because they could not afford to feed, house, and clothe all of us kids. It wasn't until 2001 that they were finally financially stable and they have since done quite well for themselves. My father is a blue collar worker and had to be smart with his money to be able to have what they do now and us kids had to learn on our own.

 

Back to my point. His parents have been harsh many times since the holidays but only when my bf is not in the room. They are sweet in his presence but there have been a couple of times where a mention of my bf enjoying time at my family's for a weekend dinner will rouse a negative reaction. He doesn't think anything of it and often its in response to them "making conversation".

 

I know I have come accross as pretty stuck up in some threads but I'm not going to apologize for my tastes or success anymore than I'd expect others to apologize for their own personal tastes and lack of success.

 

My circle of friends are also white collar professionals, successful business owners, and entrepreneurs. When we get together we do not talk about how much money we make, how much we spend on items or trips, and certainly do not ask such questions. My friends are boring to my bf because he says he doesn't have much in common with them. It's true, his interests are quite different from theirs. We both share more common interests with a couple of his friends so we tend to spend time with them but they tend to talk about money alot too. That's just how they are and its not just toward me. It's how they generalize all people "like me" and it's how they've always socialized. I'm not going to start trying to educate them on social etiquette. It's not my place.

 

I have friends and acquaintances that are from a variety of backgrounds and cultures but I don't run into this sort of hostility or socializing. To me its a matter of conflicting values.

 

I know I'm dating my bf and not his family. He is close to his family and they have always been a huge part of his life and he's always turned to them as role models. I can't run to him everytime something rude is said in his absence and its hard because they are so sweet as pie when he's around so he doesn't see it. I previously thought we came from similar backgrounds because of our close families, common faith, and strong family values.

 

It has been made clear to me that I am a horrible person because of my career choice, financial stability, respect in the community, and my family's good fortune. I'm no good for their son and he should be with somebody from a hard working family with values and I obviously have none.

 

I'm not going anywhere because my bf loves me as is and accepts me for who I am. There are obvious conflicts that can arise with such opposition to our relationship, although I have the greatest confidence things can/will improve in time.

 

Please note that I have been very forward and this is not how I actually express myself in everyday life as I do on these threads.

[DN]

I think that the obvious tension between you and his family is going to mean the end of your relationship. They obviously don't like you - it is hard to say whether your obvious contempt for them has sparked that or if their dislike for you sparked your contempt - perhaps it is both - but it is going to be be a insuperable task to make this right.

 

I suppose you could win this battle by separating him from his family but you will lose the war eventually because the problem is that the way you talk about him betrays a contempt for him as well - you see him as uneducated, unrefined and you identify him as one of 'them'.

I'm not going anywhere because my bf loves me as is and accepts me for who I am.

You seem to have a hard time accepting him for who he is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have to agree with DN that there seems to be a clash of values here. How you have come accross in your threads may indeed be the way you are coming accross in person..not necessarily by words spoken but by tone and body language. Perhaps his family and friends are sensing a demeanor in you which they feel you look down on them. In your threads you continually build yourself up and keep mentioning material possessions even when it is not necessary to the story. You even mentioned your sisters buying homes, moving to gated communities and buying luxery cars..when all you had to say was that your sisters are doing well for themselves. In addition, rather than saying your father's hobbies, you refer to your father's expensive hobbies. You tend to name drop and play up all the material things and it is this air of superiority which may be coming accross to your boyfriend's family and friends. On their side, yes, it does sound like they have a chip on their shoulder..and their questions are very rude and invasive. It is clear you rub each other the wrong way and it may be more of a clash in personalities rather than a class war.

[annie24]

regarding the different education levels, i would say that for a functioning society you have to have a mix - doctors, lawyers, janitors, bus drivers, store clerks, bank tellers, etc. if you don't need a college education, you don't have to have one. depending on what it is you want to do with your life. and then there are professions on which having graduate school is a necessity (ie, being a doctor or a professor).

 

but, that said, i am also worried about your long term compatibility with the family. i mean, if you marry your bf, those wil be his grandparents and cousins and all that. are you ready to spend the next 60 years of your life married to his family as well? do you love your boyfriend? what about him is it that you love? presumably there is something you like about his 'simple life' otherwise you wouldn't be with him, right?

[MissKnowitall]

Yes Annie, there is plenty I love of about my bf and his life but that's not my problem so that's not what I'm talking about. I love my bf very much and know its going to be difficult at times having an extended family not particularly fond of me but I will find a way to make it work. I suppose many ideas aren't going to come from help in this forum

 

I am confident my "superiority" complex would affect me in other relationships or come to my attention without my bf's family help. It doesn't. I don't talk about money, material possessions, and if you met me on the street you wouldn't know the difference.

 

I have described examples such as my bf describing my sisters' new homes that have offended my bf's family, A small sample of very specific comments made, and I got down to the fact that its not just about me. They have "contempt" for people "like me". These are their words not mine.

 

No. I didn't do anything for any of them to react to me the way they did. AS I MENTIONED: IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'VE MET THESE PEOPLE. ITS NOT AS THOUGH I WENT INTO THEIR HOME MAKING COMPARISONS, WITH MY NOSE IN THE AIR, OR BRAGGING ABOUT THINGS THINGS I OWN AND THE THINGS I DID WHILE AWAY. I have described how my life is a landmine when in conversation with these people. I have also stated that its not just me. There is hostility to anybody that is educated, white collar, or financially comfortable. NOT JUST ME!

 

They are the ones that attacked the fact that I have an education and my mention that hardly any of them have a high school education wasn't a show of contempt for these people. I'm trying to describe how different we are IN THEIR EYES! I really don't care what level of education people have! IF I WAS THE ONE MAKING A DEAL OUT OF IT THEN I COULD SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING BUT I'M NOT. SO ANY SUGGESTION TO THE CONTRARY IS BASELESS.

 

I can't deny I NOW think these people are hillbillies. Not because of their education level, the neighborhood they live in, the value of their possessions, or how much money they make. It's because of the way they have TREATED and how they SPOKE to me.

 

I know there's alot of capitalization but I've been the judged not the one doing the judging. People are reading what they think I could mean rather than the words right in front of them.

 

"None of them have ever traveled. None of them are educated and most including my bf don't have a high school education. I say "hey! School isn't for everybody but I did it because I could and wanted to!" (of course I haven't actually said that out loud."

 

The above isn't even in the context of sarcasm. To be interpreted as being full of contempt for my bf's educational level is ridiculous....Did you stop reading before the last sentence? I don't think that education is for everybody and I really don't care what level of education people have. I care when mine is slapped in my face and that's exactly what was done.

 

 

If there is anybody that has objective insight please share. Please be sure to read my statements in FULL and please try not to make things that aren't there.

 

I know I sound rather offensive but I'm attacked by my bf's family and seek advice and I get these kinds of responses. Your responses or more related to my other threads than the thread I have posted here. I'm quite sure that had I not posted other threads your responses may even be different than what they are.

 

I'm sure that next I will be advised that if I don't like the advice I get here then don't respond to it. I'm going to do better than that and just delete my membership to this forum because I've gotten very few insightful responses..

[annie24]

But you haven't listed a single thing that you *like* or even love about your boyfriend. he is a product of that family, and he is "one of them" and that will probably become more apparent over the years. Your boyfriend likely shares their values and such. Unless he has some sort of rift with his family, which it doesn't appear that it is there. You seem to having nothing but contempt for his family, and unless you can figure out some way to come to peace with it, i just don't see this relationship working out. Too many differences in family/lifestyle/choosing home furnishings.

 

just for your information, I am educated and well traveled myself (finishing my phd, have lived and traveled to over 30 countries, and am flying abroad again next week). Ok, so you have referred to your future in-laws as "hillbillies." do you really think that bodes well for your future with your man?

 

you are welcome to find another forum to your liking, we won't stop you or force you to post here.

[MissKnowitall]

I tried deleting my membership and don't know how. Its not that important. I will try to communicate differently and just say that I'm not here for anybody's assessment of my my personality and if that doesn't work then I will just stop coming to this forum.

 

Your reason for asking what I love/like about my bf has no relevance to my thread because you're totally missing the bus on what I'm describing here.

For example: your response after I have stated multiple times that I DO NOT care about people's education level:

"just for your information, I am educated and well traveled myself (finishing my phd, have lived and traveled to over 30 countries, and am flying abroad again next week"

 

You're not even getting to the point of what I'm asking on this thread.

 

1) I'm obviously aware there are going to be difficulties in the future with this relationship but I wouldn't be the first person to have in-laws that hate them.

 

2) If I acted the way it has been assumed towards anybody (especially my bf's family) I would have been kicked to the curb a long time ago.

 

3) The material possessions are necessary to mention because that is LITERALLY what offends my bf's parents and family. I really try to avoid any mention of myself or anything I have/do and have talked with my bf about doing the same.

 

4) Yeah I called them Hillbillies for the way they are treating me. Not because I think they live like backwards mountain people. They are hurtful, mean, and I've done nothing to disrespect or wrong them. It is horrible to treat a respectful invited guest in one's home without provocation.

 

5) You're finishing your PhD Annie. How would you feel if the parents of a man you love told you that the very fact you're finishing a PhD makes you unworthy of their son? That's what was said to me and I wasn't sitting there bragging about my studies or talking like a stuck up Harvard professor. My education wasn't even a topic of conversation. It was socially awkward and mean.

 

6) Separating my bf from his family is out of the question. He wouldn't even visit them if I didn't insist because he's embarrassed at how horribly they act towards me. We spend just enough time so we are not rude by pulling an eat and run. We also alternate occasions between our families.

 

7) I am a solutions oriented person. I'm not going to leave the man I love because his parents are jerks towards me now. I hope that if I continue to carry myself around them as I do and they see that I make their son happy that one day they may be able to act civilly toward me.

 

You want to know what I really think about higher education? I think that the most ignorant people I ever met was at the University I studied at. I think that anybody can go to school if they have the money no matter how unprepared or numb-minded they may be. I really don't think that completing your education is for everybody. I think that where I live people can have financial and career success without higher education and can go far in life without it. It doesn't affect your ability to get hired for many jobs unless you're in the medical/legal sectors or other areas that its required where I live. It doesn't affect many people's ability to get promoted in their jobs where I live.

 

I chose to attend University because it was a dream from the time I was a young girl to pursue certain studies. It was a dream come true when I actually had the finances to do it because when I was going through high school it was a pretty far-fetched dream. I went to University seven years after I graduated high school and don't have to make apologies for the decision. I think its ludicrous its even a subject of controversy.

[mr.mac]

I find it amusing that your story is about people saying you think you are better than them and your name on here is "missknowitall", but I'm not going to give you a hard time. I'll try to help. Your concern is valid. A lot of relationships do crumble under the weight of "in-law" pressures/problems. If you love your BF, and he loves you then it's up to you two to decide that you are both going to be a united front on this. If his family is giving you grief and he's not standing up for you then are you going to be able to accept that? I don't think you will, nor should you. he should have your back and you should have his.

 

Overall, I think you need to relax, ok? Not everyone is going to like you if in life or on a message board, just don't get so hurt and offended. I generally feel bad for people who have such anger and disdain for no good reason. It seems like your BF's family was predetermined not to like you and you didn't really have a chance with them just do your best to make sure that you and the BF are on the same page. Good luck.

[MissKnowitall]

I'm glad you noticed the humor in my name on here. I can have a sense of humor about it. My bf is supportive and stands up for me so there has been no problem with that.

 

I am understandably concerned about the long term affects for a guy stuck between his mother and his lady. Of course, it doesn't mean the impending doom of our relationship because that's a common predicament in marriages that work out.

 

Thanks.

[MissKnowitall]

Oh and I wanted to clarify that my thread isn't about people saying I think I'm better than them. The problem is that I'm not good enough for them. Everybody has a different idea of what is and isn't good.

 

If you mean about the responding posts on this forum and the consensus that I think I'm better than everyone else. Then yeah I became defensive with strangers unjustly characterizing me. That is pretty stupid now that you mention it.

[mr.mac]

I'm glad you noticed the humor in my name on here. I can have a sense of humor about it. My bf is supportive and stands up for me so there has been no problem with that.

 

I am understandably concerned about the long term affects for a guy stuck between his mother and his lady. Of course, it doesn't mean the impending doom of our relationship because that's a common predicament in marriages that work out.

 

Thanks.

Irony is a funny thing.

 

Yes, but it's also a common predicament in failed marriages. Just make sure he realizes the importance of being on your side. As long as he does, and you can put up with the snippy behavior you should be alright. Obviously their questioning and comments irk you, so it's really up to you to decide what you can deal with. If you can get to the point where you are unaffected then you'll be even better than them than you already think you are.

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think that you scored any brownie points, by calling his family "hillbillies."

[mr.mac]

I don't think that you scored any brownie points, by calling his family "hillbillies."

 

I'm sure she didn't say that to them, but I still find it funny. That would be one way to really fan the flames.

[MissKnowitall]

Yeah. I totally did not call them hillbillies to their faces LOL! That was forum humor and hasn't been verbalized or mentioned outside of this forum. Haha I could not imagine what would happen and wouldn't want to be the person to say something like that. I would expect to be single if I did something like that no matter how rude or unbecoming they are toward me. Those are his parents and its not my place to talk back or put them in their place.

[mr.mac]

Yeah. I totally did not call them hillbillies to their faces LOL! That was forum humor and hasn't been verbalized or mentioned outside of this forum. Haha I could not imagine what would happen and wouldn't want to be the person to say something like that. I would expect to be single if I did something like that no matter how rude or unbecoming they are toward me. Those are his parents and its not my place to talk back or put them in their place.

 

Except on message boards, of course.

 

I think the humor in this thread just goes to show you that all of this isn't worth getting so frustrated about, yes?

[MissKnowitall]

Yes Mr. Mac.

[annie24]

I understand the heart of the issue- that your in laws seem determined to put you down and look down on you because you are not one of them. Well, can you blame them? I'm sure that they are wondering how long will you stay with their son until you get bored of him and find some Italian stud with a similar education and economic level as you. Perhaps they think you will eventually get bored with your guy and upgrade after a few years and a few babies. That might explain why they worry about your traveling.

 

I don't see how you can change their mind about you , maybe over several years they might come around.

[mr.mac]

I understand the heart of the issue- that your in laws seem determined to put you down and look down on you because you are not one of them. Well, can you blame them? I'm sure that they are wondering how long will you stay with their son until you get bored of him and find some Italian stud with a similar education and economic level as you. Perhaps they think you will eventually get bored with your guy and upgrade after a few years and a few babies. That might explain why they worry about your traveling.

 

I don't see how you can change their mind about you , maybe over several years they might come around.

 

Ok, serious question, annie, why all the disdain for this girl? I understand your point, but you seem to really not like her. Just wondering why.

[annie24]

Me? No, I don't hate her at all. How can I hate or have disdain for someone I haven't met? In the post you quoted I'm just saying that her in laws are who they are and she can't change them. Maybe over time, if they see how good she is to their son they may like her someday. May she'll like them more too? But I think I brought up some good points about why, from the in laws point of view, they may be wary of her.

 

Even if she doesn't call them hillbilies to their faces or to her bf, it's easy to see the contempt and I don't see a high probability of a long term happy marriage with this sort of discord. But, I don't have a crystal ball so there you go.

[mr.mac]

Me? No, I don't hate her at all. How can I hate or have disdain for someone I haven't met? In the post you quoted I'm just saying that her in laws are who they are and she can't change them. Maybe over time, if they see how good she is to their son they may like her someday. May she'll like them more too? But I think I brought up some good points about why, from the in laws point of view, they may be wary of her.

 

Even if she doesn't call them hillbilies to their faces or to her bf, it's easy to see the contempt and I don't see a high probability of a long term happy marriage with this sort of discord. But, I don't have a crystal ball so there you go.

 

Cool. I just sensed a little extra hostility for her (and her for you) and I wondered if you were reading something that I was missing. And I didn't say your points were wrong, by the way. I understand your point and I think it's up to her to either deal with it/make the best of it or address it head on.

[annie24]

it's interesting. my uncle is a professor at a university and once in a while, he and his wife teach an extra 'seminar style class' on 'how to have a happy marriage.' they say that the lecture hall is always overflowing! they have been married for nearly 50 years now. the bottom line is that you should choose someone with as many commonalities as yourself - age, race, socioeconomic status, education status, intelligence, etc. i think mainly because it decreases these sorts of tensions, among each other and the families, and they have grown up with similar values, outlooks on life, etc.

 

when one of my cousins (who was nearly finished with her PhD and was a real academic star) started dating a guy who hadn't finished college yet, my uncle gave them a lot of grief. he kept saying she was just going to "get her rocks off with him for a while until she got tired of him, then she would find a more educated man." the rest of us didn't, because we knew that he would be finished with his degree within a few years, and he wasn't unambitious, but he certainly wasn't as ambitious as my cousin. Which turned out quite well, as now she is a prof at a top university, and he can get a job anywhere with his Engineering BS. they're happily married with 2 kids. (though, we can't even say he is 'uneducated' with a BS in engineering.) his family is of a same socioeconomic status as hers though, just to note. same religion too. they also grew up in the same neighborhood.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with this...and you see it all the time where people choose partners who are very similar in these areas.

[Circe]

Hi MissKnowItAll,

 

All I can really suggest is to minimise the time you spend hanging out with them in the absence of your boyfriend.

 

Or.. try not to take the comments personally. I know how hard that is though. It's much easier said.

 

And perhaps disclose less about your life and make your answers to their questions as vague as possible.

[Circe]

age, race, socioeconomic status, education status, intelligence,

 

I think this is generally very true.

 

My H and I match up on all these fronts except for "race". I'm from the sub-continent and he's got a chinese background. You'd think that's a big difference but as it turns out, the different cultures and our upbringings have massive similarities - which are also very different to the way anyone with "western" roots were brought up. So its a delight and a bonding experience to say "oh my god.. you're parents are like that too!" or to say to each other "you know asian parents" and roll our eyes with a chuckle. So its amazing how great it is to bond with each other on the similarities.. and as against the rest of the world on their differences. It also definitely helps to understand each other and be empathetic. It just makes for peace over all.

[MissKnowitall]

I'm sorry but I really have no interest in your family's occupations or their education levels. I don't know why you keep pushing that Annie. Kudos to your family's achievements but not too sound too harsh but I'm over it and you're not impressing me.

 

I suppose that I live on another planet because I know many intermarried couples that do quite well. Naturally people tend to be attracted to people that are very much like themselves but its not uncommon where I am for intermarried couples to go the distance. My bf and I are the same age, both Slavic, are a part of the same church, and share many of the same values. My parents thought that my pursuit of academics was the biggest waste of my money and don't think its a big deal. Its really not. My bf and I are quite similar but I might as well have space aliens for future in-laws. I'd appreciate if you'd just drop the education issue because you really are not adding value to this thread by carrying it on. Please do not take offense to this request but I respectfully ask that advice be constructive and not just a matter of personal opinion or cite second hand facts. I think that is a reasonable request. I have chosen to remain here because I have received valuable suggestions and advice.

 

As I mentioned earlier I am quite aware that difficulties do lie in our future and that its not uncommon for in-laws from hell to be little more than an annoyance to a strong relationship. My bf and I have not experienced discord over this yet and I'm confident in our ability to confront it in the future.

 

I do not share details of my life and I am always vague with my answers but not in a sketchy way. It is my least favorite subject.