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When is NC NOT the thing to do?


stacia

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About a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after a fight. We had lived together for 2 years and I was happy! Following the breakup, I immediately started NC/LC and let him initiate all the contact. He moved his stuff out slowly, it took almost 3 weeks for him to get everything. Every time I saw him, we were pleasant to each other, but I always thought he looked sad. I tried to be as friendly but indifferent as possible. A few days ago we had our first "real" conversation since the breakup. He told me that one of the reasons why he broke up with me was because "he didn't feel like I loved him very much" (I'd been busy finishing my masters degree).

 

Now I'm left wondering if the NC/LC sealed my fate. If he left because he felt that I didn't love him and then I proceed to practically ignore him for a month - did that just confirm his reasons for leaving in the first place?

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I think she meant she was happy in the relationship. As for it being too late to fix anything (as BlueAfterGlow is insinuating) I don't think it was but being a guy myself it probably hurt his feelings that you didn't contact him much. But remember, he broke up with you!!! Maybe you can tell him that you didn't know he was hurting and that you didn't contact him because you were hurting too.

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well, did he ever tell you he felt you weren't spending enough time with him?

 

i agree with LC/NC after a breakup! i mean, if they are breaking up with you, it's because they don't want you to be a big part of their life anymore, if at all..... so, LC/NC makes perfect sense to me!

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well, did he ever tell you he felt you weren't spending enough time with him?

 

i agree with LC/NC after a breakup! i mean, if they are breaking up with you, it's because they don't want you to be a big part of their life anymore, if at all..... so, LC/NC makes perfect sense to me!

 

i guess that's one perspective.

 

isn't it possible that the person who decides to leave just can't see another solution to the problem? (this is assuming that from that person's perspective, necessary steps have already been taken...and don't seem to be working) it might not be a simple case of ''i don't want to be with you''. it doesn't have to be considered a hostile act...that part is usually invented by the perception of the person being left.

 

it's possible to leave someone...while still wishing to be together. it's possible to leave someone in love. love doesn't fix problems. if you're both actually 'in love' it's very likely that you won't have problems to begin with...because you'll have no reason to create conflict. i'm not referring to hollywood romance here. i'm not talking about love as the feeling...or the hope...or the desire...or the need. there's a huge difference. those aspects of love are all prone to conflict.

 

i just think it's very possible to reach a point where you do in fact love someone...but see the pursuit of relationship as a somewhat hopeless endeavour. the end of a relationship does not signify the loss of love.

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I left my ex because I felt she really didnt love me. Her NC sometimes confirms it for me. I attempted contact because I love her. She has not. Makes me assume I was right. If you truly love someone, you talk and discuss.

 

Wow this one really leaves me conflicted. I know she loves me, but contact has been pretty awful. NC is so painful and hard to maintain, and I've done poorly. Your last point is everything I feel, feel I should be doing - talking it out. But she simply won't have it right now. Now I don't know what to think.

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Thanks everyone for the insight!

 

Yes, I absolutely want to get back together, I am in love with him, I never wanted this breakup and I believe that our problems can be worked out. After he broke up with me I just stepped back and gave him the time and space that I thought he needed. I just can't help but wonder if I had 'showed' him that I love him in those first weeks if that would have made a difference. He did move out very slowly - I wonder if he was waiting for me to do something to stop him? I guess I'll never know. I really thought I was doing the right thing by stepping back but after he told me that he didn't think I love him enough, I'm really thinking I made some critical errors immediately following the breakup.

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Wow this one really leaves me conflicted. I know she loves me, but contact has been pretty awful. NC is so painful and hard to maintain, and I've done poorly. Your last point is everything I feel, feel I should be doing - talking it out. But she simply won't have it right now. Now I don't know what to think.

 

Well this wasnt to conflict you, this was from the opposite perspective, one that you do not have. You are in the opposite situation. You have attempted to talk it out. She has made it clear she wont. She initiated NC, you need to respect that or things will get worse.

 

I have tried to contact the girl I love and explain to her I made a mistake in leaving her. She wont have any discussion. I have to respect that, so do you.

 

Please do not take my post that was meant for the OP and fit it to your situation as an excuse to contact someone who has made it clear they want no contact. The OP is the one who initated NC in this case. Thats the difference.

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Stacia, it's great that you may be able to work these issues out. Show him subtly that you do love and care for him, and let him feel like he is welcomed back in your world.

 

Love, whether the emotion or feeling or twinge IS complicated. I don't care what anyone else says. It why poets, writers and musicians write and sing about it so much. It is why hollywood makes so many movies on different angles about it. It is why you can be completely love someone yet feel hurt and heartbroken over it because they don't feel the same or because something doesn't go right. Many have said here that if you love someone, these silly issues would not stand in the way. I beg to differ. What if you have arguments, differences of opinion, situations that you cannot control that keep you from staying together? You do need communication, commitment, loyalty, honesty, and you need to let go of the fear that that person will leave and break your heart. They most likely will, but if you sit on the sidelines and do nothing, that will happen anyway

 

Do not take what I just said and apply it to your situation. I did that more than once, I being the dumpee lost my ex whom I love very much and he, the dumpee, probably still loves me as well yet his inability to take that next step in re communicating is present. I contacted him a week ago so we could talk, he thought I was going to attack him, I told him how I felt and where are we both now? Not talking. NC hurt him, NC hurt me. I did it to heal some and figure out why... he probably took it as a sign that I don't care about him. If someone initiates NC with you, check up on them maybe twice the most and then let it go. But for goodness sakes, use your head and don't fall into the breakup drama game.

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Doiiiieeezie you sound very clued up, despite having been in difficult situations. I respect that as that is what I am trying to do right now.

 

I am also having NC but that is after a very difficult period of trying to help my partner and make things work, but he was unresponsive as he is suffering from depression of some kind and ended things. He is very negative about everything in his life right now and is pushing everyone away.

 

Sometimes people just have to figure things out for themselves, so I am trying to strike the impossible balance between moving on with my life, concentrating on myself, and still holding hope that we will be together one day soon. But we both need to be stronger as individuals and he needs to realise in his own time and come to me - I am not contacting him, not in a way that I am playing games but I just feel that that is what is needed right now.

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Why do we have to be subtle? Why not be straightforward and outright with your emotions?

 

If he seems regretful and looks like he wants back in, just tell him openly that you did nc/lc because you thought he was done with you and you believed it was best for trying to move on, but that you do feel strongly for him and you're open to listening to what his issues were with the relationship and working through things.

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Am I clued up? Probably. I have been focusing on myself and getting on with life and doing what I had planned to, with or without him. I went on NC yes to heal and refocus and grow stronger but at the same time there is a big communication problem in my situation (which was never a a problem before). Have I tried to explain? Yes. He and I are at a standstill right now and it is more than frustrating, (thus why I ranted here) but at the same time, it will work itself out one way or another. I agree that both sides need to grow stronger first before any type of reconciliation begins.

 

Why not be straight out forward with your emotions? It can with all honesty push someone anyway. You can show someone that you care and love them without going all out. Should the OP tell him how she feels? Of course, but I think he is probably looking for indications on how she does. Even the little things count.

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I am glad that you agree with my point that both sides need to get stronger themselves before a reconciliation - it's what I am trying to focus on at the moment. But it is hard - you know when you just feel that it is right to be with someone? Maybe this is something that needs to happen, in both our cases, to make it work in the future. I do know of a couple of people, some very close friends, who have broken up for a period - usually between 4-8 months - and are now together again and very happy. But they admit that they needed that time to focus on themselves and to truly realise what they want.

 

I think Stacia should be more honest with her emotions - not to the point that she is pressuring him - but just to let him know how she feels. I am not doing that, but that is because he needs to sort himself out then hopefully come to me in his own time; he knows how I feel about him and sometimes it's needed to leave things. But Stacia you should let him know why you had NC and tell him how you truly feel - then give him the space to process that and see what he wants.

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crossroads, thats exactly it. sometimes people do nc just for that reason, for the other person to figure things out. to figure out if the one they were with is the one they truly want. i am in the exact same boat. my ex wanted to have her space to be alone and to figure things out. to maybe see waht else is out there, to see if am truly the one for her. quite selfish but at the same time, if she realizes i am the one it may or may not be too late to come get me. but regardless she needs to take the time out. i only hope the others she dates, are total losers and then she will realize what she is missing out on.

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crossroads, thats exactly it. sometimes people do nc just for that reason, for the other person to figure things out. to figure out if the one they were with is the one they truly want. i am in the exact same boat. my ex wanted to have her space to be alone and to figure things out. to maybe see waht else is out there, to see if am truly the one for her. quite selfish but at the same time, if she realizes i am the one it may or may not be too late to come get me. but regardless she needs to take the time out. i only hope the others she dates, are total losers and then she will realize what she is missing out on.

Thanks sunnyv - I know it's what needs to happen right now, and I hope that it will make us stronger in the future, but it doesn't stop it from being so hard. NC is almost impossible when all you want to do is tell that person how much you love them and miss them and how you know you are meant to be together - but they need to know that too for it to work, relationships need to be 50/50 - so hopefully in both our cases they will.

 

I wish you well, I know how it is. One thing that gets me through the day is making plans to stay busy - I recently went away by myself for a few weeks to get some time to think and have been booking lots of trips and plans with my family and friends. Times like this make you realise how amazing those people are and, as much as you want to scream at the world at times, hold them dear.

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