My boyfriend has no emotions, and we keep fighting, help!

[w0mp]

First off, we're not breaking up, so please, I'm in no mood for people saying "break up."

 

1. I'm 19, and he just turned 28. Yes, huge age difference, but that had never got in the way before. We met, and hit it off, and the first month and two were AMAZING. Before we dated, we hung out a lot, and he did a lot of sweet things for me. As we dated longer, he began to be more distant. Now, I know some people try harder, and once they have the person they feel they no longer have to try, because they're content. And, we were... But sometimes he'd call me "immature" and "childish" and say that, "he's going to treat me like a child, if I act like one.

A) I want to know how to GAIN MORE CONFIDENCE. I am jealous and worry a lot, and yes, I'm young and act immature, but how do I get over that? How do I get more independence?

B) What are some ways I can keep my mind from wandering, and stay more independent, and not rely on him as much? I get sad when we don't talk a lot, because I feel ignored... =/

 

2. We started seeing each other EVERY DAY, and that is when we started having fights. Started off small; I'd say he was acting like a douche(not right on my part) but... he'd hold a grudge for DAYS. He gets over things by ignoring thing, never talking about them. he likes space to himself to think and relax, but the thing is, this can go on for a WHOLE WEEK! Christ, most people would be over it by the end of the day. Instead, I think he worsens it by ignoring it. He refuses to talk about it, that's FINE, but... How do I resist the urge to want to see him/talk it out? I feel if I don't see him for a few days, he's going to hate me and break up. SO I NEED MORE CONFIDENCE.

 

3.) But main problem.. he shows NO emotions anymore. I think he was trying to show me he cared, and when he knew I realized he cared, he went back to having NO EMOTIONS.He has two emotions: neutral and anger. He's not boring, but...it's difficult to never see him show emotion or say what's on his mind.

 

Whatever, despite my * * * * * ing, we get along great. But, I don't want to be the overly clingy, psycho girlfriend that gets jealous, and depressed when we dont see each other 24/7. I'm used to seeing boyfriends 1-3 times a week, but with him I see him 7. So obviously I've dealed before.

 

I want to show him I care, I don't know what to do?

And when I'm upset, what should I do? Just excuse myself and leave, or keep hanging out but don't bring any more up, to avoid more conflict? ANy suggestions.. thanks!

[Konyak]

The neutral and anger thing pretty much describes me. The thing about relationships is, fights are started because the people in the relationship want drama. Maybe you don't, but maybe he does.

 

Now either that, maybe something's going on. There might be something that happened that made him sorta just make the switch on you.

 

As for having time for himself, that's fine. The fact that he's take a week of time for himself might be the fact that you aren't that self confident and don't have a lot of independence. So he might be feeling smothered by you. Sounds harsh but quite possible. You're gonna have to talk to him about it. Especially if you don't want to break up.

[mandellin]

You say yourself the trouble started when you started seeing each other every day.

 

Maybe you guys should just chill it off and limit interaction to two or three times a week.

 

I know it is hard but abscence really does makes the heart grow fonder or while you are away the mice will play....either way you will get to see his true intention.

 

I struggle with the clingy thing myself. It is hard for me to draw the line between letting my man know I love him and want to be with him and being self confident and making him want more.

 

As far as no emotions - well men are just wired different than women. This is more true with people with milatary,police,or governmental training. I thought my ex had no emotions until the one night he broke down for the first time in front of me. He had a total meltdown and I realized it had all just been brewing inside. Even for the most part when he spoke to me about things very close and upsetting to him - he kept his calm. I can't do that.

 

Good luck and keep us posted .

[newlife21]

hi, my bf holds grudge too, and he is holding one right now and ignoring me.

 

when i am upset, i do other activities that i enjoy doing, like watch my tv drama, painting, my work etc. basically i make my bf only part of my life, like this i won't go mental, plus i learned that it is normal for a person to disappoint you.

 

good luck to you!

[Ms Darcy]

This is a somewhat complicated situation because of the elephant in the room: the age difference. He VIEWS you as a child and calls you immature.

 

To gain more confidence I would suggest giving yourself at least five goals to work on:

1. spend only 2-3 days a week together

2. find one hobby that you really enjoy and start to participate in it more

3. spend at least 1-2 days a week with friends

4. don't call him more than once a day unless it's to return a call

5. only bring up an issue with him when you can discuss it without anger or any snide comments

 

Write these goals out and examine how you do with them each week. They are designed to help you become a more independent, effective communicator with interests outside of the relationship. The less you focus on him, the more of a chance you can give the relationship a breather.

 

You can have a conversation with him about showing not just any emotion but positive emotions. Take it from the perspective that you are trying to learn about him and not change him. Tell him your observations and ask him if anyone has ever asked him that before. He won't open up overnight, but the more you give him space and foster a healthy relationship, the more likely he will open up a bit more.

[delicous]

You sound like you may be like me, Overthinking and over analyzing

everything!! Im not putting you down though because i think its

because we wear out heart on our sleeves and are sensitive

by nature....

The only thing I have learned to do, is try to talk to him

about the BIG things and try ignoring or try rationalizing in

my head before saying anything to avoid un necessaary fights..

 

Thats the only thing I do...The other thing is to Try to

trust your partner, i don;t think there is a problem with

spending every day together, i live with my current bf,

and fights are normally about the most smallest things,

but tone and demeanor can play a big role, whenever

him and i get to making up, he normally will mention

that i raised my voice when i could of spoken in reg tone..

 

I don't even notice this in the heat of the moment, but that could be the same thing with your situation;;

 

Ms Darcy is correct on the following lol..its good to avoid calling him all the time and spending time away frm him...