we both have kids from priors, now starting 2 challenge us

[djaone]

I'm 38, divorced and have shared time with my 2.5 YO daughter (2-3) nights a week. She is 32 and her ex is deceased. Her daughter is 6. The girls play nicely most of the time. The older one does like to be in control, show the younger one how to do things and can be a bit manipulative when playing (but in all fairness, so can my 2.5 year old, it's just that "I" hoped the older one would be more aware)... Anyway, my ex has me so stressed out over our daughter, I am constantly under scrutiny for my parenting style. If she returns from a weekend with dad and has a bruise from playing or a scab from a scrape I am told I do not keep her safe. Now that I have been dating my gf for about 8 months our kids are playing more and more. My gf's daughter is great, but I am a stressed out guy and when they are playing and the older one does something either physically beyond my daughters ability and expects her to try it or if they are playing and the older one sets an example that my daughter mimics and it might not have been something I was thrilled about, I try to address it. But I am cautious not to be my gf's daughters father. So I've talked to my gf about her daughters actions when around my daughter and this has caused some strife for us. I love my gf and we are a good match on several factors, I wonder how to blend the kids and let go of my worries so that the relationship with my gf doesn't get any more stress..

[XxJustMexX]

I think you need to think less of you guys as "two people with one kid each" and start thinking of yourselves as two people with two children. I don't know what you mean about you don't want to be her daughter's father. Aren't you? Or is this just a short fling? If you plan on staying with her (i.e. marrying, having a future together)... then well... you are her father. Whether her real dad is around or not, you will be around to raise her... simply put, you're her father. You're the man she'll be around as she grows... correct?

 

It maybe be too soon in the relationship, but when children are involved, relationships are much different. And unfortunately, the kids will always come first, so you have to accept that and realize that instead of trying to have a relationship with her... you now have a family relationship, all of you. Now, I have no idea how far into the relationship you are, but being as you're both parents, it should be easier for you to be able to understand parenting and doing it together... (As opposed to a non-parent dating a parent)

 

I myself have 2 children, and my bf 2 himself. Our kids range from 5-11. The two middle are both boys and his son incessantly has the need to pick on mine. (Mine is very passive and nice... his son... not so much) That was the biggest issue or our relationship in the beginning but once I started to react to problems as a person who will be there in his son's life rather than the shy step-mother, things changed. A lot. Though his children are only around on their visits (and mine are 24/7), we all treat each other like family... There's no "his" kids and "my" kids. Once you start acting like you are all a family, the better your relationship will be with each other.

[XxJustMexX]

I realized I didn't really answer your question too well. What I really meant to say was if you're planning on the long term, then you need to stop doing the "discipline your child/you talk to your child" routine. You need to start learning to correct and treat her child as your own. You can't run to each other everytime each others' child does something you don't approve of. Treat each others' children as your own. I know in situations like this the other parent (i.e. her ex and yours) gets angry, but IMO... tough sh*t. If she is going to help you raise your child and you hers, you both need to be parents... Love AND discipline.

[amipushy]

I realized I didn't really answer your question too well. What I really meant to say was if you're planning on the long term, then you need to stop doing the "discipline your child/you talk to your child" routine. You need to start learning to correct and treat her child as your own. You can't run to each other everytime each others' child does something you don't approve of. Treat each others' children as your own. I know in situations like this the other parent (i.e. her ex and yours) gets angry, but IMO... tough sh*t. If she is going to help you raise your child and you hers, you both need to be parents... Love AND discipline.

 

I disagree with that..I am a widow with two children and I alone discipline my children and thats the way it should be.

[XxJustMexX]

I disagree with that..I am a widow with two children and I alone discipline my children and thats the way it should be.

 

Well I guess different things work with different people. If I'm to live my life with a man that is going to be in my childrens' lives, and I to be in his childrens' lives, then I believe we both need to have a say in what goes on in OUR household. It's not MY household, and it's not HIS household. Nor do the children run our household.

 

Fathers are fathers and mothers are mothers, biological or not. Disallowing him (or him disallowing me) say so in each others' children's actions would be unfair to both of us if we are to all live together in harmony.

 

I've heard too many step parents doing the whole "your kid did this, and your kid did that" thing. It's ridiculous how a household can be SO separated because a child isn't someone's biological child. If you're helping raise that child and you're not given any say so over that child's actions, then that causes resentment... I'll be damned if I have a child in our house (just because he/she isn't biologically mine) disobey me because I'm "just the step-mom". If we're helping raise each others' children, then we need to have a say in what goes on in our house. It's a family house, not mine and my kids and his and his kids. That won't even make sense.

 

I guess that's why so many "step-parents" are resented by the children. They FEEL that distinction. If they're not raised as their own, and raised as "an extra kid" that kid knows that. If you raise a child as your own throughout their life, you'll never have that "just a step-parent" resentment coming from that child.

 

You said that you alone discipline your children... that's fine... But does your man have NO say so in what your children do? So he's just there for you...? That's quite unfair.

 

And by the way, I'm speaking as someone who IS a parent in the relationship, AND the step-parent... Not just from one side.

 

EDIT: And to add. I'm not talking about discipline as in spanking or physical discipline. I'm talking about having say so in anything else... Like what they do wrong, family decisions, and correcting negative behavior. I'm not sure if you took my saying "discipline" as me meaning anything physical. Yes, my bf handles that.

[amipushy]

I think that step-parents are resented BECAUSE they discipline somebody elses child and as they grow older, the more resentment they feel.

 

And I think its more unfair that a man should be expected to discipline someone else's child. It would also REALLY piss me off someone else shouted at or discplined my children when I am the parent.

 

Maybe your children are younger than mine though, I dunno. Whatever works for you I suppose but it wouldnt work for me.

 

Edited to add... NOBODY spanks my children. If ANYONE laid a hand on my children they would feel my wrath and quite possibly the police on their collar for assault.

[XxJustMexX]

I think you probably read the post before I did the edit. I added that I didn't mean any sort of physical discipline. But since yours are older you probably do mean things like grounding and discipline for older children. Mine were only 3 and 6 when my bf and I got together, and his were 5 and 8. So they were still quite young. By discipline, I meant things like when his son would disobey me (he had quite a mouth at 5 years old) I would take it upon myself to have "talks" with him, and either reward or punish accordingly. I take care of his children when he's working, not around, etc... So it would be unfair for me to get mistreated (because I'm just the stepmom) and have to wait for him to get home and have the child undisciplined for the rest of the day for his bad behavior. If any of our 4 kids misbehaved, they got in trouble for it. It's not fair that my two children have to be punished, but his gets away with it, just because he's not there and they're not biologically mine. That's unfair for my children. If that were the case, when my children get good rewards, then I should leave his kids out... but that's not how it works... They get rewarded as well.

 

And also, since the 3 years we've been together, his son has turned from a pretty messed up child, to a very good one I might add. He still has a few issues (his real mother is a horrible person... very abusive) but overall, I believe his having another female role model around has drastically changed his lashing out and negative behavior. If I didn't treat him like my own, I honestly don't think that behavior would have changed. (He used to have violent outbursts, talk back to adults VERY badly, and had an "I don't care" attitude... at 5!) Coincidentally, as I write this, my bf just texted me a pic of him holding up 2 awards at school...

 

But like you said, our children are young so I'm sure it's different from you. We got together when our children were young so they all see me and him as step-parents, but step-parents that they respect. I'm only guessing it would have been harder if a step-parent came into the picture when the children are much older.

[amipushy]

OP, I can see that you are on tenderhooks with the older child playing rough. Having two children I felt the same when the older one dragged the younger one around and pushed them over/hurt them but children are very resilient and they soon grow up and stand their ground. By all mean prevent an accident and keep making your gf aware of whats happening but try don't let it get to you. Its all part of starting a new life life I'm afraid so give it some time.

[Circe]

I think its commendable - your attitude.

 

Anyway I think perhaps it would help you if, each time you spoke to your gf about what was worrying you, you just emphasised that you love her daughter, and the only reason you are saying this to her is because your ex is hasselling you AND you know that the discpline function is your gfs and would never step on her toes there. You just need help.

 

In other words, I'd just spend more time explaining to your gf that you do love her daughter and you dont want to be causing any strife between her and her mum but you just have to try to balance/accommodate your ex as well because thats just the way it is with partially shared custody.

[catfeeder]

I disagree with that..I am a widow with two children and I alone discipline my children and thats the way it should be.

 

I agree with this. Crossing over that line is the quickest way to sink your relationship.

 

Your best approach is to manage your relationship with your ex by addressing her fears and letting her 'feel' heard. Ask her for specific concerns that you can discuss by asking her exactly how she wishes you to handle the point she raises. This puts her on the spot to keep to actual issues rather than allowing her fears to blow up on abstract nonsense. This also means offering the appearance of being reasonable--which can buy you more cooperation than actually being reasonable. It's also important to establish that you want to be part of a cooperative team in parenting this child, and part of that understanding means that you don't intend to be intimidated.

 

If you manage your dealings with your ex properly, you minimize the risk of coming out sideways as overly controlling with your new GF. I'd also try to spend as much time as possible with GF without the kids--who don't understand dating and form attachments quickly. Unless or until you plan to be with this woman for the foreseeable 'forever,' it's not really fair to train the kids to view their parents' dates as family-material. Breakups teach kids that relationships are disposable, and its up to you to reduce the number of those they suffer in their lives.

 

In your corner.

[djaone]

Thanks all. I have been with my gf for 8 months. Early in the relationship I felt I could help my gf because her daughter has never had a father figure and she tends to dominate her mother. In turn, her mother lets her and I do have issues with this. So early on I tried to put myself in the father role. That only proved to be too much too soon and there is a clinical definition of this - a wrecking ball in the relationship. So now I am not avoiding it, but rather trying to talk to her mom about her unfavorable actions. I'm dammed if I do and Dammed if I don't. If I say nothing I get stressed and wore out. If I say something, I am in essence taking a shot at her child and this is almost relationship sabatoge. So I try to communicate as best as I can, I do tell my gf that i want to love her daughter and I am finding that emotion. I think what I really need is to have a bit more authority in the relationship. So how can I ask for and earn that...???

[Circe]

I think what I really need is to have a bit more authority in the relationship. So how can I ask for and earn that...???

 

I wish I could help you. Perhaps, though, start by calling it "respect" rather than "authority"

 

I just think if someone wanted authority over anything of mine i'd be giving them the "back off" look.. whereas if they wanted respect I'd be thinking "oh no, what am I doing that you don't feel respected??"