TIME FOR CHANGE!! THERE'S A NEW GAL IN TOWN!!!!

[GeeCee]

Brief update.

 

Ex did call me on Thursday. The conversation was light and friendly. Talked about work (he is stressed - working from 7 - 9.30), kids, his holiday. It was easy. He gave me help with my problem. Very useful. I said, I am sorry, I really should not be laying this on you, am sure that it is against the rules, but he said, no, no worries, don't be ridiculous. We spoke for about half an hour. He wanted details about my horrific date - why it was so dreadful, why HE was so dreadful. Fair amount of laughter about that. Bit more chit-chat. And then it ended.

 

I am with Strong 1 in my opinion that NC does not work with this guy. A month ago, we had regular flirty, friendly contact three, four times a week. Now that has dwindled to nothing in the last two weeks. My instinct is to up the contact gradually. This guy is skittish. Friends will do fine for me just now.

 

I have always been steely determined, when necessary. I am now learning patience is essential.

 

Thanks enormously to Strong1 and SincerelyHurt. You know why!

 

G xx

[twizod]

I hate to say it but I have read every single entry from GeeCee in this thread and the previous 180 something pages. I feel like there is a private party going on and only the privileged are allowed. On that note, this bit of advice helped me out and maybe it'll help give people here perspective. If two people genuinely love each other and it was meant to be then no matter how many breakups or how many problems they have there will ALWAYS be hope. GeeCee can vouch for this. I am not a religious person by any means but I do have faith that that special someone will return into your life whether or not you expect it. The NC rule will help others relearn who they are and how to live without that special someone and this is good. Do it if you feel depressed. Do not antagonize your feelings any more than you have to. But, have faith the person will eventually return. They will. Go and have fun, date, enjoy life but remember when you least expect it....they will return. And if you can finally grasp this concept you won't feel in a rush at all....GeeCee.

[SincerlyHurt]

Twizod, you made me laugh with the private party line. I would give just about anything to be able to leave this party. Don't let us make you feel unwelcome, we need diversified advice here and that means everyone counts, everyone.

[GeeCee]

Twizod, you made me laugh with the private party line. I would give just about anything to be able to leave this party. Don't let us make you feel unwelcome, we need diversified advice here and that means everyone counts, everyone.

 

Talk like that, SincerelyHurt, will get you UNINVITED, honey, and QUICK!!!!! Cheeky bugger!

 

G xx

 

P.S. Welcome Twizod!!! Carry on with opinions like that, and we will insist that you STAY!!

[twizod]

Thanks for the warm welcome. I almost feel like I have belonged from following GeeCee and her soap opera life. I hear a book deal coming Yes, I wish we all had not met. No offense but circumstances out of our control put us here and you have to take it and keep running with the ball. Remember, people feel most satisfied when they feel in control. You need to feel like you have control. I wish everybody the best in learning control again.....time to go drinking

[Scout]

Well, I had previously decided to crash this party because it looked like so much fun! And I could also relate to what several of the posters here were going through. I was given a warm welcome, too. Thanks guys!

 

I haven't updated you on my situation lately.

 

*************************************************************

 

Whoa - just got a call from the ex right after I wrote the above paragraph! WEIRD. I'm tending to agree with you Gee Cee - for some of these guys, total no contact might not be necessary. What happened was, this morning I was determined to make exciting, fun plans for myself tonight - so, meeting some friends at an acoustic coffee-shop place this evening, than afterwards going to see "Air" in concert - anyway, I was so happy and chirping around that I had a fun evening ahead, on a whim I called the ex to see if he wanted to meet me at the dog park. Got his voicemail, and left a brief, friendly message saying sorry I missed him, hope he was having a great weekend, see ya later...and he just called back! And he's coming over for brunch and the dog park!

 

Maybe...we can be friends? Maybe...self-control, no questions about the relationship, no showing interest in a reconciliation, and starting to accept the idea of a friends-only relationship...is paying off?

 

Wow. At 35, I'm finally learning some self-control and insight. This has gotta be too good to be true...don't let me screw up, God! And DON'T let me drink around him.

[GeeCee]

Great for you Scout. I am believing more and more that no contact is definitely NOT the win-win situation some people crack it up to be.

 

Ok, we are all making small steps. Very small steps. But it seems to me that for you, Strong1 and me light and friendly contact is the way to go.

 

Have a great time at the dog park. And stay away from the alcohol - makes one far toooo bold!!!

 

G xx

[GeeCee]

Yesterday I reminded myself that I was a winner!!! Played tennis with my male friend, B. Had been suffering from a migraine the previous night, and was still a little nauseous and groggy. But at 3-5 and love 40 down, my game looked dead and buried. Oh, but I am a little fighter!! Oh yes!!! Won the set 7-5.

 

Went out in the evening, but seemed to be surrounded by glossy couples kissing and licking each other. Oh dear god, is there no end to their torment?!?!?! Felt safer, when we took our cocktails into a more refined section of the bar.

 

Today was a glorious day in this neck of the woods, and I was a domestic Goddess!! Grass cut, house cleaned from top to bottom, four loads of laundry done, sumptuous chicken roasting in the oven and children polished up beautifully. Life is not soooo bad.

 

Still miss the green-eyed monster, but every now and then that dull ache subsides! As I said, progress ... small and faltering steps COULD possibly get me to the finish line!

 

And how was it for YOU?!?!?

 

G xx

[Scout]

Gee Cee - what a glorious day it sounds like you had! Sounds like you also have a natural abundance of energy and zest for life that will see you through even the most difficult romantic entanglements and other annoying circumstances that life presents us with sometimes.

 

Well - I don't know if I screwed up or did the right thing, but this morning (yes, this morning, the ex stayed over, why oh why did I let that happen) - I had it out with the ex.

 

I thought I could be friends with him, I really did. I even thought - albeit, after too much alcohol - that I could sleep with him and than remain just friends. Well, we had sex last night, and my little theory got put to the test. I asked him in the morning, what does this mean now? Where do we go from here? And he said he didn't want a relationship, that he wanted to keep it as it was - friends.

 

Apparently, I cannot, because I was laying in my bed this morning, really starting to absorb what he just said, and I found myself getting furious. This guy had basically gotten out of all the responsibilities and work that goes with a relationship, yet was still more than happy to take the sex. Since this was a similar revelation to the one that originally led me to break up with him, I snapped. And told him everything I really thought about him: that he's selfish and only concerned about what feels good for him right at the given moment, that a real man would step up to the plate and make things work, that his best friend had the personality of a roof shingle and yet he preferred to take him snowboarding rather than me ( I know, I know...bad call), and on and on....well, the gist is that he got mad, said he hated the drama, hated my "scenes", that I ruined everything - and I just looked steadily back at him and said, oh no. You're not going to pull the famous guy trick and make me out to be the girl who's the emotional basket case, thus you are justified in breaking it off with me. I said, I see right through what you did and what you're doing, and it was all typical passive-manipulative sh$# to get me to break up with you so you wouldn't have to face that responsibility either.

 

Naturally, at that point, he just as calmly asked me that devastating question that all of us dumpees don't want to hear, and never have a proper answer to: "Well, if I'm all that you say, than why do you want me?" I had no answer, but it's a damn good question, isn't it??

 

Sorry, Gee Cee, I probably should have put this on my thread, but everyone's reading your's anyway!

[GeeCee]

Oh to swear!!!! And to swear a LOT!!!

 

I am fast believing that these guys are F&CKING FREAKS!!!!

 

FREAKS!! WTF!!! We are going to overcome this!! And our grass will look gorgeous and our houses will be polished. Now I need to get to work on the car!!!

 

I am sorry Scout, am sure that you are feeling perfectly ghastly. Can't deny that I am glad you said it though. When I actually say what I think of MY GUY, I am going to enjoy it, and he will be justified in thinking that I AM a bunny-boiler!!!!

 

G xx

[strong1]

Oh Scout. You may be kicking yourself now..but on behalf of scorned lovers everywhere..I would like to say THANK YOU! Just reading your post was a weight off my chest. All the things we've all wanted to say...and so eloquently too. Say, if I send you a ticket..can you fly here and give that same speech to my ex?

 

LOVED the part about you telling him you wouldn't fall for the b.s of him being a jerk to you until you couldn't stand it anymore and YOU broke things off. Brilliant. BRAVO!

 

Seriously, ripping his head off a bit is not necessarily a disaster. He sees he can not walk all over you. And that, my dear, is a good thing.

 

Do not beat yourself up over this. It is understandable that you had that reaction after he slept w/you..and then did not want to work on things.

 

We just need to manage our expectations better..and we can do that. One step at a time.

[DaisyB]

Scout, good for you for standing up for yourself and telling him what you wanted to say! I know, the aftermath is scary, but bravo!

[GeeCee]

I fear the tide is a-turning!!!

 

Scorned women having their say!!! Bring it on!!! I am fast losing respect for these FREAKS!!!

 

G xx

[rich_1517]

oh boy im staying out of this one.

[ziggystar]

umm...scout,

 

you freely gave him sex, but got mad at him for something you gave him as if he owes you something for what you gave him freely. he owes you nothing for something you gave him freely. if he had asked, that might have been different. but if he had asked you should have probably refused him because you're friends (supposedly). but i assume that didn't happen. not to sound "holier then thou", but maybe you shouldn't drink around him. it does impair the rationale, even the day after.

 

i realized this for myself. when i was with my ex, i was very giving with her. i did a lot of things for her. but when i didn't receive back, i got mad at her. it wasn't that she didn't give anything back, but i realized that i kept an emotional tab in the back of my heart. and when she did not give back enough to balance what i had given, i got mad and we argued. my mistake is giving to receive. i gave without her asking, but then demanded to be repaid. i was wrong. give to give, don't give to receive.

[Scout]

Wow, everyone - I wasn't prepared for the "I am woman, hear me roar!" supportive reaction I got! Thanks - I honestly just reached the end of my rope today, it did feel good to let the emotions out, I have to say. Ziggy, I see what you're saying, and I kind of subscribe to that theory about give without thinking what you're going to get in return, but usually more in the context of Christmas presents.

 

I'd love to hear everyone's update on their current situations. This site has just been such a God-send.

[dikaia880]

Hey all,

Hope everything is good...

At this point for me things are good...I've been on a sort of no contact thing for the past couple weeks...after I put my feelings out there the "one last time" it was probably a good thing that we didn't talk for awhile...

Well after very limited contact (a couple emails over the past two weeks)

She called me Saturday afternoon...I didn't answer as I was just going into the gym. I didn't call back either...as I was out with my buddies that night she called again...I didn't answer...Had a blast that night, flirting with girls (and actually getting hit on by some hotties, puts a guy in a good confident mood I must say!)

Sunday as i was again heading to the gym she called....didn't leave a message (she must have been a little irritated with me So i waited until about 8 in the night to call back...got the voicemail (which I was kinda hoping for)

She called back later but my phone was off (I wonder why? )

Then she called this afternoon and left a message on my work phone while I was at Lunch...

I'm going to call her this afternoon...when she's in class.

I like having this upper hand so to speak...she wants to talk and I'm not giving it to her that easily...I like the control that I have at this point...she wants to talk to me, but can't, that seems to be bugging her!

I'll be in her town for a long weekend...actually for the annual party that was our first date....maybe when i tell her it'll give her something to think about (how it could be our one year anniversary)

 

At this point my emotions for her are locked up in a cage in my heart...the only time I let them out is when i'm at the gym...I use them for motivation, they push me to work harder...

Maybe I should try to meet up with her this weekend...it'd be nice to "hook-up" for a night too (right GeeCee ) As long as I know going into it that nothing other than a night of "fun" will come out of it, she's the only one that will have to face the emotions afterwards...

I know that all sounds sort of bad, but It's not meant to hurt her...just have a fun night and maybe, just maybe it'll shake her emotions loose...

Any thoughts, or I'm I just being a guy???

[ABC_DragonChick]

I know that all sounds sort of bad, but It's not meant to hurt her...just have a fun night and maybe, just maybe it'll shake her emotions loose...

Any thoughts, or I'm I just being a guy???

 

I haven't posted before, so I thought I'd do start with my thoughts on this question.

 

I don't think you're just being a guy. I want to do the same with my X. I must admit, after 7 weeks of NC -well almost NC - 2 very brief (couple lines) e-mail/reply, I'm feeling pretty strong (for the most part), and very "evil". OK... Slightly evil. I'd like to use, abuse and then lose my X for a night.... Just gimme 2 hours!

 

But, then, I'd probably have to regroup and regain all that I've achieved in my struggles, and I'm not sure it would be worth it right now... I'm so shaky with the ups and downs of missing and loving him. And, somehow, I am afraid that it will bite me in the TUSH if I do it.

 

But if you are strong enough to go through that... and still want to do it.... I say "Take one for the team!"

[GeeCee]

Oh yes Dikaia

 

Go for it!!!

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

I do want to...I mean...it's been quite awhile since my last time, mainly because I don't want to go sleep with randoms and I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone (well, other than the ex of course) due to the fact I'm moving in three months or so...

 

I don't think it will mess with my head that much...but here's where I wonder if it's possible to "get her in the sack"

During one of our conversations when she told me she doesn't want a serious relationship, blah blah blah...she said somewhat jokingly "WHY CAN'T WE JUST HAVE SEX!?"

So I know that she'd probably be up for it...unless (and heres my problem) she thinks that it will mess with my head and that it will be giving me those mixed signals that I've called her on before...

How do I go about making sure she knows I won't get hung up on it?

If we're out having fun, I don't think I can just say "hey we should go have sex...It won't be giving me mixed signals...just having some fun." or can I?

Oh well...time to play a little phone tag....it's fun calling her knowing she can't answer and that she'll call back...hmmm will I answer? yeah probably this time....

Hope all is well ( or as well as it can be) with everyone.

[GeeCee]

Dikaia

 

You're a big boy - no need for words - body language says it all!!

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

Well now I'm a big boy with some highlights in my hair...

The hot girl at the hair cutter said "you know you'd look good with some frosted tips.."

Well I don't know how good it looks but I got um...oh well.

 

We'll see if I even get a chance to hang out with her this weekend...hopefully, but you never know...

We've been playing phone tag, but I set up a business meeting with one of my agencies in her town, and her aunt happens to work there, so she'll know I was there whether I end up talking to her or not...

[rich_1517]

Hey Dikaia

 

hmm have to be the voice of the sensitive male here. i know it sounds exciting and would probably be awesome. but she has issued a real message to you about not getting hooked on her with sex.

 

i just ended mine. and while sex was missing intimacy on one to one was not, meaning my feelings could very much be hurt.

 

ask yourself if you can make love to her, hold her, run your fingers over her body and then watch her walk out. i dont mean to be harsh.

 

if you think this will turn her around read other posts about post coitial feelings and remember there is no difference between men and women on the after effects. you also are freely giving it away so you cant be mad if it doesnt turn her feelings.

 

I told my ex that i am glad we didnt get intimate before trying to rebuild. because so many reconiciliations fail because people get back in tight before addressing the problems.

 

but then i also realise there are no hard and fast rules either, follow your heart but with strength too.

 

just be careful.

 

i hate to throw a negative at you, im just thinking about the cost to you.

[Scout]

if you think this will turn her around read GeeCee's, Scouts etc etc posts and remember there is no difference between men and women on the after effects. you also are freely giving it away so you cant be mad if it doesnt turn her feelings.

 

ok, can I just say one thing...someone else mentioned that we can't get mad at them if we have sex and they still don't want a relationship...theoretically, in an emotionless world, that might be true. But the thing is, what leads up to the sex is your ex is being absolutely charming, flirting with you, and just like his or her old self. They should at least have the decency to tell you before you do it with them that they will still just want to be friends afterwards.

 

I agree with Rich - if you can honestly imagine you won't have any sentimental, longing feelings for your ex wash over you after you sleep with them, than sure, go ahead. But if you're not sure, be prepared to feel even worse all over again.

[rich_1517]

sorry scout my judgement wasnt intended. absolutely an ex "should" say what thier intentions are for coming on to you. its selfish and opportunistic to do otherwise, its also just plain inconsiderate of your feelings.

 

my comment was about loss of self, boundaries, giving away and feeling used. probably shouldnt have referenced you. ill remove it.