I understand talking to Husband may be the only solution but I get panicky

[paulina]

My story is really so long and shallow and it began so many long years ago that I do not dare post it again here.

The short version is I have been in love with my husband's brother for years. Have tried in my own little clumsy way to break away from him, not talk to him, avoid the entire extended family and somehow keep the secret to myself.

 

Yesterday, my husband's brother told me, quite openly, "I love you very much. It's hopeless".

As usual, there were other people in the house and we could not talk. Just that.

 

I have been running from him for years, literally. I think I am tiring. I am exhausted.

 

I have tentatively tried to bring the subject up with husband. But no, I feel him slightly stiffening up and he then changes the subject. If he has sensed anything, he seems to be firmly sticking his head in the sand. I feel myself hyperventilating and I lose heart.

 

I don't know what's going on or where I am headed.

 

Sorry about this; I know from experience many of you go ballistic over something like this and maybe so would I if I heard it from someone else, but I needed to unburden.

I totally feel like a runaway train.

[amipushy]

After reading that I think the question has to be now.... Why do you want to tell your husband?.... Is it because his brother said he loves you so you're hoping that all this comes out in the open you can finally be together? OR Because you can't stand the pressure of this any longer, you love your husband and want an end to this emotional affair and to start to repair the marriage?

[paulina]

After reading that I think the question has to be now.... Why do you want to tell your husband?.... Is it because his brother said he loves you so you're hoping that all this comes out in the open you can finally be together? OR Because you can't stand the pressure of this any longer, you love your husband and want an end to this emotional affair and to start to repair the marriage?

 

 

Amy, quite frankly I don't know why.

Brother in law and I can never be together. That's unthinkable. Close knit small Catholic community and all... the gossip, the scandal would be too much for everyone involved. That is simply NOT an option. Incidentally, I have children (although they are grown up) and I don't want them to have to pay for what their mother does.

 

Personally, i do not feel telling my husband would do any good, but you all suggested this could be a solution .... could you be right?

[ScubaDiva]

Why don't you be honest with your husband and yourself and leave him?

[orangesoda]

is there a background to this?

 

Not to be rude, but I think people who get caught up in emotional affairs/strong attractions too often use the word 'love' to try to describe their emotions when the truth is, until you've been with someone for a long time, and seen them at their worst, warts, farts, smelly breath, and still accept them for what they are - I really don't think you can be 'in love' with them.

[SapphireNoir10]

Life is too short to lie and decieve and be stuck in a situation that makes you unhappy. Find out what is kindest to both of oyu and do it.

[Sunflour]

You say you love your husband's brother. But have you acted on that? Has there been an actual affair, or actions that would constitute emotional infidelity like secret phone calls or meetings?

 

If you haven't acted, but have just been feeling an attraction and making moon-eyes at each other over the dinner table at family gatherings, then I don't see anything to be gained from telling your husband. You'll only hurt him and damage your marriage, and for what? So you can feel unburdened and he can feel lousy?

 

We know your feelings for the brother, but what are your feelings for your husband?

[paulina]

You say you love your husband's brother. But have you acted on that? Has there been an actual affair, or actions that would constitute emotional infidelity like secret phone calls or meetings?

 

If you haven't acted, but have just been feeling an attraction and making moon-eyes at each other over the dinner table at family gatherings, then I don't see anything to be gained from telling your husband. You'll only hurt him and damage your marriage, and for what? So you can feel unburdened and he can feel lousy?

 

We know your feelings for the brother, but what are your feelings for your husband?

 

Acted? I don't know. he knows how I feel. Now I know how he feels. I don't know how to qualify this situation.

Acted, like kissing, fondling etc? No. Nothing that could not be just simple affection. But tons of hugging and cuddling.

And the chemistry is unbearable.

 

I, too, don't think there's anything to be gained by telling my husband. But the conventional wisdom here seems to be that I should .

I guess the underlying idea is that he may interfere and prevent what now seems an inexorable descent into hell, since brother in law and I are getting closer and closer emotionally.

 

I think I love my husband. Couldn't really figure it out in therapy, though.

However ,my top priority is not to hurt him. He is a very good person and always has been very good to me. He is my best friend. We have had problems before and have always managed to overcome them. He wants to be with me until the day he dies. Mostly, he is an excellent human being and I respect him deeply .

 

I am NOT an excellent human being. And right now my feelings are all over the place, my moral values have taken a vacation and my opinion of myself is not exactly the best.

Mostly I get so tired of trying to live up to the expectation sometimes.

[Circe]

I think it's something that you two need to figure out together. You alone probably won't be able to get yourself out of this.. so that's why I think you should tell him.

 

If it was someone other than your BIL and you didn't want to tell your H I could at least say stop seeing the man, NC, and then time will fix things.. but your BIL is not someone you can stop seeing unless your H is in on that decision and understands why its being made.

 

I think if you tell him how you feel, but also tell him that you are committed to him and simply want to extract yourself from this situation then hopefully, he will just do what needs to be done. You two can agree that your H can visit BIL but no more visits where you are all together etc.

[Sunflour]

"Tons of hugging and cuddling" sounds like acting on it to me, honestly. Hugging hello and goodbye at family gatherings is pretty normal family behavior, but cuddling with your brother-in-law? Not so much.

 

It sounds like you sincerely want to save your marriage--or at least feel you should. So what can you do to start putting more distance between you and BIL? Also, what can you do to re-establish more intimacy (emotional and otherwise) with your husband?

[mrmaximum]

 

If you haven't acted, but have just been feeling an attraction and making moon-eyes at each other over the dinner table at family gatherings, then I don't see anything to be gained from telling your husband. You'll only hurt him and damage your marriage, and for what? So you can feel unburdened and he can feel lousy?

 

 

So they can repair whatever seems to me not quite working right and make a stand for their marriage. There are some issues which will not go away on their own and must take effort to work through. This issue isn't the same as simply thinking that his brother is better looking which would hurt him, but could possibly lead to the destruction of the marriage and a lifelong rift between brothers. Think he may feel lousy now, how lousy will the OP and her hubby feel if she continues to do nothing and this leads to an affair?

 

OP, doing nothing has lead to your feelings increasing for your BIL and you tiring of keeping them in check, what do you think the future holds if you continue hoping these feelings go away by themselves? How much do you value your marriage, how much do you value your husband? At the very least, you need to go to counseling to rectify any issues you may have and maybe in time have your hubby accompany you. YOU CAN'T BEAT THIS ALONE, and the one place you do not want to be, is sitting there glaring at Pandora's box after it has been opened wishing you sought your hubby's help before you opened it.

 

Good luck

[Sunflour]

I'm not suggesting that she do nothing. Clearly she needs to break off this emotional affair, put an end to the behavior that's fueling it, and then work on reconnecting with her husband.

 

Those actions are going to speak a lot louder than words with her husband, who probably is very well aware of the attraction between his brother and his wife.

[amipushy]

Clearly she needs to break off this emotional affair, put an end to the behavior that's fueling it, and then work on reconnecting with her husband.

 

She can't, she can't and she can't. Its why I suggested telling her husbasnd before this goes too far.

 

Those actions are going to speak a lot louder than words with her husband, who probably is very well aware of the attraction between his brother and his wife.

 

I agree, and his emotions probably range from seething with rage inside already to incredibly hurt by their disrespect. But by saying that she thinks she is developing feelings for her husbands brother and thinks she needs to stay away from him and work on reconnecting their own marriage at least she will be honest, truthful and showing him some respect and it will be FINALLY OVER.

 

She isn't risking the marriage by telling him, its a sham already.(sorry paulina but it is)

[amipushy]

Paulina, if you are going to tell him do it for the right reasons, not just to throw it up in the air just to see it land or because you can't handle it. It's you're mess and you need to deal with it like a wife and mother who wants the best for her family.

[paulina]

(...) her husband, who probably is very well aware of the attraction between his brother and his wife.

 

Sometimes I think he has sensed something; some other times I swear I think he is in denial , like these past months I have refused to go to parties and stuff where I knew BIL would be and Husband would always sort of sulk when I told him I had other plans or such. I mean, he should be glad right??

We are going on vacations with a large group in a few weeks. I am paralysed with fear that either me or BIL will not be able to keep feelings in check. I have told Husband that I am not so sure I can go - work, the office, blah, blah. Now he is all upset. Again, shouldn't he be glad that I am trying to keep away...?

 

It almost seems like BIL is fighting harder for his priviledge to continue to see me than Husband is figthing for his right to know what is on.

[mrmaximum]

(...) her husband, who probably is very well aware of the attraction between his brother and his wife.

 

"Sometimes I think he has sensed something; some other times I swear I think he is in denial , like these past months I have refused to go to parties and stuff where I knew BIL would be and Husband would always sort of sulk when I told him I had other plans or such. I mean, he should be glad right??

We are going on vacations with a large group in a few weeks. I am paralysed with fear that either me or BIL will not be able to keep feelings in check. I have told Husband that I am not so sure I can go - work, the office, blah, blah. Now he is all upset. Again, shouldn't he be glad that I am trying to keep away...?

 

 

There is a lot of "I'm sure he knows, he could be in denial" He could be, but you don't know then do you? Okay, how about this; you've tried it your way and you can see that it isn't working. Doing this by yourself is simply eroding your resolve in staying away from this man. Sunflower, your approach would be wonderful and very effective if this situation wasn't happening to a family member. There is no way to go complete NC with your BIL, and judging by the reactions of the OP's husband, the lack of direct resolution is taking a toll on the marriage.

 

Hey, my opinion here, but it's time to bring out the big guns. This situation can sprial out of control very quickly, and it cannot be resolved by yourself. You've tried that already, has it worked? Both you and your hubby can get to the root of what's going on and then rectify it, that's what partners are for, right?

 

It almost seems like BIL is fighting harder for his priviledge to continue to see me than Husband is figthing for his right to know what is on.

 

Be VERY careful with this line of thinking it as it may not really be what is going on. And with a distorted perception of reality, sometimes the unthinkable happens. Remember that you know everything about the situation and haven't told your husband anything so it only SEEMS as if he doesn't want to know. He can't read your mind or his brothers for that matter so how could he figure it out? Clues you may 'leave' are only like neon signs to you beacuse YOU KNOW. This isn't a reflection on him that this situation has been going on without his knowledge, just yet another reason why you need to communicate with him. I've read it on this site and it bears repeating, how the communcation is, so goes the relationship.

[paulina]

I see your point. Especially what you say about distorted perception of reality.

 

But tell me this: I don't know if you are married or have brothers, but if you were my husband and I opened up with you, what would you do?

[mrmaximum]

I see your point. Especially what you say about distorted perception of reality.

 

But tell me this: I don't know if you are married or have brothers, but if you were my husband and I opened up with you, what would you do?

 

As yes I am married and I have a younger brother. Commenting on a situation and being in it are two different things. But, doing my best to place myself in your husbands shoes, I would want to know about it. I personally believe that there are so many things that can come up and undermine your marriage, we need to do out best and be proactive about them. And if need be you may have to go back to back with your partner in dealing with things, I have had to with my wife many times. If you where to think a little cliche about it, your marriage is currently under attack, not by you or your BIL, but simply by runaway emotions. What does an attacking party want to do? DIVIDE AND CONQUER, separate from supply lines and reinforcements. Get the picture?

 

You are not a bad person for having feelings for his brother, we are humans and we can't turn off our emotions. It's how we deal with these things that define us. Up to this point you have tried to deal with it yourself, and that still doesn't make you a bad person, you thought that you could deal with it and it would ebb away on it's own. Now, it just seems that you are in over you're head. He's your husband for a reason, you can obviously trust him so let him help you, yeah?

 

You still know your hubby better than we ever could so the choice is always up to you, but at the very least get counseling to get to the bottom of the matter as to why you are having these feelings, kewl?