Selfishness.

[cazmoore]

Uhhhhh... I know exactly how this is, because I'm basically how your girlfriend is.

 

I'm a full time nursing student at University and my boyfriend works full time and makes half decent money, and pays for everything... I don't have much either, and money's tight so when he asks me if he could have some of my stuff, I do lie because he forgets how little I have. Even things like, could I leave a $10 tip.. no, I can't. I do have the money, but I can't afford to leave it. I need that 10 bucks for gas to get to work, or to school. If he eats my food, I do get annoyed because he'll forget to replace it. I have meals planned out, and enough food to last me for the week.. so if he just starts going through my stuff and eating, then I'm without.

 

It's not easy when you have so little. When you work, you forget what it's like to be constantly broke. Yeah, it's pretty selfish, but I see it almost as survival mode. I don't think you can change something like this right now. It's part of a bigger problem. If she had a full time job and plenty in the cupboard for you to eat, then yeah. You can call her up on it, because I'm sure my boyfriend would as well, but see it from her POV. It sucks not having money or enough money to even buy food.

[DN]

With great respect I don't think you should be dating anyone if you can't contribute in any way at all. Your boyfriend is subsidising you and even if he doesn't care you are still taking advantage of him.

[Applewhite]

With great respect I don't think you should be dating anyone if you can't contribute in any way at all. Your boyfriend is subsidising you and even if he doesn't care you are still taking advantage of him.

 

With great respect I don't think you should be telling 2 people that are in a relationship to not be in a relationship. If it works for them you have no say. I find your comment out of place honestly.

[DN]

With great respect I don't think you should be telling 2 people that are in a relationship to not be in a relationship. If it works for them you have no say. I find your comment out of place honestly.

Perhaps, but it really isn't fair for one person to be subsidising another to this extent nor suggesting that someone else should. I also don't think that lying is a good basis for a relationsip.

[Applewhite]

Perhaps, but it really isn't fair for one person to be subsidising another to this extent nor suggesting that someone else should. I also don't think that lying is a good basis for a relationsip.

 

With those things I completely agree. The situation is only somewhat better if he offers to do these things willingly. But even then I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting and I see your point. But this doesn't necessarily mean they shouldn't be a couple at all.

[DN]

In general terms, I don't think anyone should be in a relationship where one partner is taking advantage of another. I suppose I could expand on the rationale for that reasoning but to me it seems self-evident.

[Applewhite]

In general terms, I don't think anyone should be in a relationship where one partner is taking advantage of another. I suppose I could expand on the rationale for that reasoning but to me it seems self-evident.

 

If one is taking advantage of the other no. But if one is poor the other is wealthy and

 

a) they each live by their own means

or

b) the wealthier one feels better when he shares what he wants to with the other partner

 

then I don't see any ethical or other problems here.

[DN]

Concealing food and lying about it while allowing a boyfriend to pay for all the dates is taking advantage because by lying he isn't aware of the truth and is making decisions based on a falsehood.

[Applewhite]

Concealing food and lying about it while allowing a boyfriend to pay for all the dates is taking advantage because by lying he isn't aware of the truth and is making decisions based on a falsehood.

 

I agree lying is a problem. But it might have been HIM that suggested going to dinner. And it might be very true that she has her meals planned out and she would go hungry if he eats 3 of her meal bars in one sitting.

 

But even if this isn't the case at all and the female WAS taking advantage, it wouldn't be my place to tell them that they shouldn't be dating.

[DN]

Well, we are going to have to agree to disagree.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Well, we are going to have to agree to disagree.

 

For me, it's the lying that bothers me more than anything else. If my girlfriend is on a limited budget and can't afford food, I wouldn't want to take any of it from her when I can buy it myself.

[DN]

For me, it's the lying that bothers me more than anything else. If my girlfriend is on a limited budget and can't afford food, I wouldn't want to take any of it from her when I can buy it myself.

That is the thing that would bother me the most too. If someone is upfront about issues then often things can be worked out. But to take and take and not give back to the extent of lying is really corrosive. If she would lie about this - what else would she be prepared to lie about?

[NewPhillyGuy]

she would lie about this - what else would she be prepared to lie about?

 

I agree with you, and that's why I was very put off and a little bit scared, quite frankly, when my girlfriend lied. She did tell me within two seconds of lying that she did have them though. I was sitting there thinking the same and feeling paranoid about it.

[DN]

She did tell me within two seconds of lying that she did have them though.

Did she say that because she was ashamed of lying or because she realised you must have seen them in the fridge.

[James74]

How can I get her to be less selfish?

 

You can't.

 

Sorry it's that simple, but it is. You can't change her. All you can do is express your own thoughts and feelings about it. Then, it's up to her.

[James74]

Just talk to her, she won't know how you feel unless you tell her.

Maybe one time that she asks to go out, tell her you can't afford it. But don't be nasty about it. Just to make a point, so she knows that it works both ways.

 

Eh, that's really passive aggressive. I wouldn't make a point. I would just tell her it ticked me off.

[Circe]

Well I don't understand why she can't get a job. It makes me angry to be honest. If she was poor, I'd sympathise.. but she's poor of her own choosing AND leaching off you!

 

I understand she has a full time internship (non-paying) now but whatabout when she has school? She can get a part-time job then.

 

When I graduated highschool, I wanted nothing more than to do law. It was my dream. And I got the marks. I was told by the university that it wasnt possible (their advice only) to do the law degree full time and also have a part time job because the workload was too much.

 

Utter crap of course. But I believed them. And I didnt do law.. because no way was I going to let other people support me for the next five years. How unfair is that?? I'm an adult!

 

So I did business. A year of that and I was utterly miserable. I wasn't following my heart. So I transferred to law .. which meant I had an overload of subjects (more than the full time load) and I worked 2 days a week. That left the weekend to study and three days to cram my subjects into.

 

And no it did not affect my grades. So seriously - tell her to get a job or NOT rely on you. If you were perfectly happy to let her mooch off you then I'd agree with hike14. I wouldnt have much respect for this woman as a person, but I'd respect your relationship.

 

However, you aren't happy with it, buddy. Don't let her get away with it. She can get a job.

[Applewhite]

Just for the record, I definitely don't condone the things the girlfriend is getting away with in this relationship. I agree there are various problems here, and they are apparent in his other threads as well. I have told the OP this via PM and also earlier in the thread I believe. I just don't think it is fair for anyone outside the relationship to tell someone: hey you shouldn't be dating this person. I wouldn't feel comfortable saying that to anyone (unless there was abuse violence etc).

 

However I can sympathize with people that have little money and have to plan their meals. Of course they can and should work under general circumstances but sometimes life and choices are not as simple and straightforward as that. Of course if a person is in this situation they should also not be suggesting expensive vacations and eating out. And I personally would feel hesitant accepting these even when they are offered.

 

And they should also not be getting massages and pedicures while the SO pays for the food they eat. These are the more striking parts of the situation the OP has with his girlfriend. And it continues right after a conversation about it! They talked for hours and at the end she apologized and said he is right. Then she said: Don't be angry at me but I want to get a massage?! WTH?!

[Circe]

^^I do agree if she is poor and her circumstances prevent her from working, it's a different thing

 

You know.. if she was "treat/luxury" starved.. I could understand her saying that thing about the massage. You know when sometimes you are really doing it tough and you just dream and dream about that one off luxury spend? But if she gets her hair done (and her nails done for gods sake) regularly..?!?!

[Applewhite]

If you are planning your meals you are so poor, I really have no empathy or understanding for someone having an argument because they want to have a more expensive vacation, or saying: don't get angry I am getting a massage, or having nails/hair done. It just makes no sense. That is the BIGGER LIE when she is doing these things AND telling him she has no money for food they eat together. That is just BS.

[DN]

IMO it's not just the lying or taking advantage of a partner - it's the fact that there is no way to tell if they are with their partner for love or for the money. Does this person genuinely want to be with you for who you are or for how much and how long you are going to subsidise them?

 

What sort of relationship can that be? And that is why I don't think that anyone who does that should be in a relationship - there is no way to tell if it is genuine.

[NewPhillyGuy]

IMO it's not just the lying or taking advantage of a partner - it's the fact that there is no way to tell if they are with their partner for love or for the money. Does this person genuinely want to be with you for who you are or for how much and how long you are going to subsidise them?

 

What sort of relationship can that be? And that is why I don't think that anyone who does that should be in a relationship - there is no way to tell if it is genuine.

 

That's how I am feeling right now. I am not sure if it's about me or the money.

 

We talked last night, and everything went fine. I was feeling pretty nervous about calling her. We just talked about our days and then planned a bit for the weekend trip. One that thing she said that bothered me - she asked me when we were leaving to head up to the mountains, and I told her Friday afternoon because I had to get some laundry done and food shop for the trip. She wanted to leave earlier in the morning, and she remarked that she wouldn't have planned to come down here tonight if we weren't going to go there early tomorrow.

 

Maybe it's ridiculous to feel this way, but that comment hurt me a little. Probably because I'm feeling ultra sensitive right now. She's always talked about "maximizing" our time together, so I thought maybe she was coming the night before to spend the time with me. When she said I would have come the next day, I started to think....is this about me or the trip?

 

Granted, she's going on the trip with me.

But, it just made me feel crappy. I didn't say anything. I just thought about it...

 

*******************************

 

What it is - I'm looking for evidence right now to either prove me right or wrong. I'm looking for reasons to either stay or go. After we got off the phone last night, she immediately started texting me to say that she loved me. I looked at the texts and kept asking myself if I could believe it, or should I think it just manipulation?

 

This kind of doubt is the absolute worst feeling in the world.

[Ellie2006]

I really really really think it's time for you to weigh the good against the bad re: this relationship. [on a sidenote, i thought all this time that this girl was the new girl who lived close-by. so i was rather surprised to see that this is the ldr girl you met over new years, right?)

 

In any event, you have to decide to move past previous issues that you've decided to forgive her for. You have to let certain things go.

 

I guess what I mean by that is: it is somewhat surprising to me that you continued to get hurt by your gf's behavior when she has been displaying the same kind of behavior all along.

 

You know that she's selfish. And yet, you seem hurt and surprised that she, yet again, does something selfish.

 

You've said that she's rather blunt (maybe even tactless) and you're surprised (again!) when she says something without thinking about how it might come accross to you.

 

Ultimately, I think you may have to acknowledge that your gf, albeit her good points, can be selfish and insensitive. So when she says or does something selfish and insensitive, do not personalize it so much but rather, learn to see these as part of who she is.

 

If you cant accept her selfishness or lack of tact, then there are a dealbreaker, no?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One that thing she said that bothered me - she asked me when we were leaving to head up to the mountains, and I told her Friday afternoon because I had to get some laundry done and food shop for the trip. She wanted to leave earlier in the morning, and she remarked that she wouldn't have planned to come down here tonight if we weren't going to go there early tomorrow.

 

As much as I think this woman is selfish, insensitive and quite possibly looking for someone to subsidize her entertainment, I will say in the matter above I can understand her point of view. I am a morning person and when I go on day trips or weekend trips I like to get an early morning start. I find it very irritating when I make plans with someone and they are doing all of their chores the day we are supposed to leave, thus delaying, for hours, the time we set out. I am stuck waiting around for them to get things done when I could have done other things myself. I can understand the grocery shopping, in this instance because if you are buying food for both of you it would be nice if she was there to help out..but your laundry is another matter. I wouldn't want to be sitting and waiting for someone while they are doing their laundry.

[Batya33]

Totally agree - send your laundry out this once so that you can get an earlier start - for weekend trips time is very important especially during the summer when you want to make the most of the longer days.