Selfishness.

[DN]

If you are on a budget where you can't give anything to your partner costing a few dollars then you should not be constantly accepting him or her spending hundreds of dollars on you even if s/he can afford it.

 

The only person being selfish here is the NPG's girlfriend.

[Mutley]

I feel like it's pretty unfair of you to say that I'm being selfish. A power bar costs what - $1.50? Is it really unfair of me to ask for a candy bar when in the past month, I've easily spent a few hundred dollars on our outings?

 

I agree with you. That was crummy behavior on her part.

[free2Bme]

yeah but she has done other things that are similar to his generosity, going to a lot of effort to cook him a meal, getting that special cake ordered. If she never did anything for him then yeah she'd be selfish.

[pinkelephant]

If you are on a budget where you can't give anything to your partner costing a few dollars then you should not be constantly accepting him or her spending hundreds of dollars on you even if s/he can afford it.

 

The only person being selfish here is the NPG's girlfriend.

 

if this were the case (though the op clarified that it isn't...), then they'd never go out, etc.. i imagine it would put their relationship on a strain?? (sorry if this is derailing...)

 

also, what F2BM said, she also repaid with making dinner, etc... not that i'm comfortable with the concept of repaying at all.. all i'm saying is, the value of the bar is different for each of them. it would be nice for him to realize that it's not just 1.50 or whatever to her.

[Mutley]

But to be sneaky about a stupid candy bar is troublesome.

[pinkelephant]

But to be sneaky about a stupid candy bar is troublesome.

 

we all do things without thinking sometimes. she probably didn't know how to act. she wasn't purposely sneaky, in my humble opinion!

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

But to be sneaky about a stupid candy bar is troublesome.

 

Mostly immature. The OP just needs to remind her the world doesn't revolve around her- he doesn't HAVE to help her, especially if she is feeling go ungiving herself.

[free2Bme]

we all do things without thinking sometimes. she probably didn't know how to act. she wasn't purposely sneaky, in my humble opinion!

 

agreed, she very quickly came clean about it, and was obviously embarassed what with the hesitation and no eye contact.

[Mutley]

we all do things without thinking sometimes. she probably didn't know how to act. she wasn't purposely sneaky, in my humble opinion!

 

Perhaps....it was just a mistake this time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you are on a budget where you can't give anything to your partner costing a few dollars then you should not be constantly accepting him or her spending hundreds of dollars on you even if s/he can afford it.

 

The only person being selfish here is the NPG's girlfriend.

 

I agree...and if those bars are that expensive and she can't really afford them then why is she buying them...she doesn't absolutely need those..there are other things she can eat that are healthy. If she gives one away then she has one less..if she can't afford to replace that one then why can't she go a day without one. Giving up one Powerbar for someone you are supposed to care about shouldn't be such a huge sacrifice. This shouldn't be about "well, she cooked dinner therefore they are even"...it really is about an act of generosity...he drove two hours to see her...is it such a hardship that he wanted a snack along the way so that he doesn't have to stop on the road? This should not have been a big deal for her.

[Ellie2006]

If she was being selfish she'd have just said 'no you can't have one' right out.

 

Well, some people are passive aggressive like that.

And quite frankly, I dont think there is any way to excuse her lie about not having one.

 

NPG and his gf have been dating for 7+ months; if she felt bad about saying no to him (even though she felt that she couldn't offer him one due to her "tight budget") then why couldnt she have said just that? "NPG, as you know I am on a tight budget and I bought these to save on the cost of food. I am sorry that I can't offer you one of the powerbars but can I offer you something else instead?"

 

Honestly, even if she IS on a tight budget, it cannot entirely justify her whole attitude of "what's mine is mine but what's yours can be ours," which is a problem. Plus, how much can these power bars really cost? Is its cost so high that you would begrudge giving one to a SO?

 

Having said that, I dont know how you can *change* a grown person to be less selfish. Like someone else said above, you can discuss with her about how you feel underappreciated at times, how you did not understand her need to lie, and how you felt hurt by her unwillingness to share. And she most likely will apologize.

 

I guess you need to figure out for yourself if this is a dealbreaker for you.

 

Ultimately, I think EVERYONE is selfish. BUT not everyone is so petty that they lie in order to avoid sharing.

[Ellie2006]

I agree...and if those bars are that expensive and she can't really afford them then why is she buying them...she doesn't absolutely need those..there are other things she can eat that are healthy. If she gives one away then she has one less..if she can't afford to replace that one then why can't she go a day without one. Giving up one Powerbar for someone you are supposed to care about shouldn't be such a huge sacrifice.

 

I agree. Of course, i am not necessarily saying that just because you are on a budget, you can't splurge on certain items. but even so, what the heck is she doing with a whole box of expensive power bars if she's on such a tight budget that she cannot spare a couple??

 

But maybe this is not the crux of the issue. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that she can be selfish and this is not something that can be changed.

 

Will this be a dealbreaker for you, NPG?

[DN]

I think there is more to this than just this one incident - there has been other behaviours by NPG's girlfriend that point to self-centered and selfish behaviours.

 

But this one incident is bad enough - just the other day on here a member posted that she suggested to a new guy that they meet at Denny's because it was the only place open and many people trashed him for taking her to a place so cheap - even though it was her idea. No one suggested he might be on a tight budget.

 

But here we have a woman who allows her boyfriend to spend hundreds of dollars on dates and who drives two hours in each direction to see her (presumably paying for the gas) and pretty much all she does to reciprocate is make and occasional dinner and buy him a cake. And then she lies about a bar costing a couple of bucks.

 

It seems to me that this girl has expectations that the man should pay all the time and that an occasional home-cooked meal or small gift is fair recompense; but unless you are buying expensive meat or exotic foods making dinner at home costs a fraction of the cost of a dinner for two at a medium priced decent restaurant.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I agree but keep in mind he is willing to do this. I don't think he's seeing her as this awful monster witch, but just wants to make sure she appreciates him and isn't just out for the money. He isn't looking (from what I gather) to have everything split 50/50. She doesn't have a job.

 

He just needs to confront her. If she turns uglier and more cheap, then he knows.

[DN]

I am sure he doesn't want 50-50 - in fact he said he is happy to pay far more than that. But the fact he is willing to do that doesn't make it right that she should take advantage of his generosity - especially to the extent of not wanting to give him a bar and lying about it.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Guys...

 

We had an argument about this just now. I cannot believe this just happened.

I told her how I was feeling, and her response to me was we should not need to talk about this, because we did already yesterday. When she said that, I said, fine, you don't care about how I feel apparently, so maybe you should find someone whose feelings you do care about. She got really upset. We were both upset.

 

She kept saying she can't do anymore than she's currently doing. I just said - why buy yourself stuff, lie about stupid candy bar, and then tell me you can't do any more. She's a student, I get that. I'm not asking for a lot. Just not to be lied to. All i said to her was I'd like it if you could pitch in a little more when we go out, and her response was that she really couldn't do it.

 

So, the arguing continued, and then she told me she was done with me. She broke up with me, told me the vacation we planned this weekend was off. I asked her, if she was going to pull out, would she be willing to pay for her half and she said no...

 

I lost my self respect. I asked her not to end this, but she kept saying she needed space and couldn't talk to me. She finally calls me, and tells me how much she loves me, tells me it's all about money for me. I said no - it's not about money - it's about feelings. I asked her to go on the vacation with me.

 

She tells me in response that she wants me to talk to her mother tonight. I'm like why. She said it's because her mother is nervous about me, and feels it was inappropriate for me to ask her to pitch in more because she's a student.

 

She said she wants the three of us (me, her, her mom) to talk on the phone tonight, so her mom feels more comfortable with me...

 

what the heck??? this just feels like too much.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Uggh. I am so sorry, NPG. That is a lot of immaturity, and it is obvious she gets it from her whole family if her mother is saying you're pressuring her. O_o

 

A protein bar isn't really "pitching in". Seriously. You're probably better off, though I can imagine it doesn't feel good at all.

[DN]

I think you should walk away. It is obvious where she gets her values from and that will not change. I can almost guarantee you that this attitude would be there even if she did have a job and could contribute. You can do better than this woman and her mother.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I always paid for stuff and never complained. I just started to wonder when she would say things like - hey - I signed up for a personal trainer, but then, asking her to pitch in a bit is too much.

 

Just yesterday, this girl was telling me how much she loves me. She was standing by the curb before I left looking all down because she was going to miss me.

 

One day later....

 

I can't believe it all crumbled.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

She seems to have just loved you when it was convenient and beneficial for her.

[Mutley]

Sounds like she has a bad attitude.

 

Not good for relationships.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yuk, forget this discussion with her mother around. That is intimidation tactics and it really is revolting from someone who is supposed to be an adult. Sounds like she was in it for the freebies, I am sorry to say. I would cut her loose. Is this the one who the mother had introduced the two of you at the New Year's Eve party? If so there were all kinds of screaming red flags back then and how she was treating you early on.

[NewPhillyGuy]

You guys are right. The more I think about this, the more I realize this is not good. I can't tell you how many times in a month this girl told me she went to get her hair and nails done. I'm not criticizing, but, if you can do that, you can afford to pitch in a little bit more. She would pay here and there in the beginning, but it has dropped back alot recently.

 

She might have loved me, but her take on how money should be handled is wrong. If you are on a tight budget, you don't spend money like that and then give your boyfriend the short end of the stick.

 

I also have to say - the way she handled the breakup. When she told me she wasn't willing to pay for her half of the vacation if she was pulling out, that said ALOT to me about her character.

[Mutley]

Kudos to you for seeing the red flags and not ignoring them.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Kudos to you for seeing the red flags and not ignoring them.

 

I texted her back that I'm not willing to talk to her mom, because I don't feel as though I should have to prove myself to her over something like this. I told her if she herself wanted to talk, she could call me.

 

Her response was that she was starting to feel lightheaded and sick...

 

I feel awful....

 

Why are two people doing this over something so stupid? Deep down, I thought she was "the one" for me. I had my doubts, but I thought still, she had alot going on for her.

 

She lied about the stupid candy bar, and then caught herself and said she did have them. She said she was sorry, and I got that, but it just made me think about how much money I am spending.