Oh my!! He called me. NC worked??

[Ekips]

Long story short. Broke up three months ago after 3.5 years, lc in the first month and nc since this past Friday. I am 28, he is 26. We broke up because he wanted to be single, felt distant, yet smothered? I let him be single, and gave him all the space he wanted. All. Complete NC for a little over 1.5 months.

 

After two months of NC, he calls me. He called me around 8:30 Friday night. I was at work and did not get off until 10:00. Can you imagine the surprise on my face when I saw the missed call? I did not think he was going to call so soon. I stopped expecting... I was working on moving on. Still am.

 

I returned his call after much thought. He didn't leave a mesaage by the way. He said he just had dinner with a professor who happened to be in town. (a professor in undergrad that both the ex and I worked under) and that the professor just wanted to send his regards. What the heck? Is that not a silly/lame excuse? I said 'Oh that's kind of him, thanks'. Ex then started to talk about his life (he's working part time until grad classes start up), how he wished he wasn't in debt for school (I told him his debt is good debt since it was an investment).. He asks about my mother and some other things... as we talked about jobs (i mentioned to him that I got an additional part time job, that's why I called him so late) and he was surprised I would get another job since I already work 45 hours a week and teased me about it.

 

Then my phone dies!!! I called him back (didn't want to seem rude and appeared that I hung up) and told him what happened and tried to end the conversation by saying well it's getting late and I'm really tired... He jumps in and asks me about my dog aka our dog. And he continued to tell me about the death of his grandfather last month... Someone I grew to care for while I was in the relationship with the ex and we talked about that.... Once again, I attempted to get off the phone and as we got off the phone, he said "Well, it was really good to hear from you" and I ended the convo by saying "I'll talk to you later".

 

I wished I hadn't said that, it was out of habit with any phone conversation. Needless to say, we did not talk about us. I felt calm (tired too), collected and didn't say anything about us or the breakup. I laughed a few times.

 

What do you guys think? I love him very much and I do want to reconcile, but I have no idea how to gauge this. I do think three months is too soon (I'm just starting to find myself again--and I love it). I called him back because I knew I could handle myself (no crying, tears etc..), now what?? Is he just sniffing around? Continue NC?

[persimmon]

Ooooh exciting!!!!

 

I think a lot of people will tell you not to bother and to leave it all up to him, but I'm trying to reconnect with my ex too and think things are going well. Leave NC for another few weeks and give him a ring and see how that goes. If you gauge a good reaction, maybe try and catch up for a coffee or something. Stay happy, controlled and non-commital and see what happens. In the meantime, keep enjoying and living your life. Either way with or without him, you'll be fine also.

 

Good luck!!

[dan10]

continue nc until you are over him. once you are completely over him and ready to start a new relationship with whoever comes around then you can go and investigate if you would still like to be with him.

 

and about the "sniffing around"... i dont think thats what he was doing. since you 2 were together for 3.5 years i think that he just missed talking to you and wanted to (not consciously because most guys dont think this much about it) hear your voice and feel like you are still a part of his life.

 

just keep up the nc but dont be a horrible person if he breaks it. like dont be mean to him if he calls just dont call him

[Ekips]

Thanks Persimmon!!!

 

I think he should ask me don't you think? I'm not ready to be rejected again. I attempted to reconcile soon after the breakup... nothing. I am going to try to take it as he was just curious. If he calls again, we will see... Until then moving on..

 

I just hate that this gave me false hope.

[annie24]

i think you did really well. you were cool and collected and didn't get needy or emotional on him. i'd let him be the one to continue initiating contact. since he says he felt 'smothered' give him 5x the space he asks for! but in the meantime, continue to move on. i bet he will suggest getting back together. my 2 cents.....

[persimmon]

Thanks Persimmon!!!

 

I think he should ask me don't you think? I'm not ready to be rejected again. I attempted to reconcile soon after the breakup... nothing. I am going to try to take it as he was just curious. If he calls again, we will see... Until then moving on..

 

I just hate that this gave me false hope.

 

Well, everyone's situation is different. I know in my situation I committed the cardinal sin by being the first one to initate contact!

 

If you're not ready to handle a potential rejection, then continuing the NC may be best. Don't wait for him to come to you - move on and if it happens, it happens.

 

Let us know how things go!

[Ekips]

Thanks Dan and Annie!!

 

Wow, 5x the space eh? Sassy! If he calls, I will be kind as always but I want to make sure I'm not getting into the friend zone. It's aggravating because I got to the point where I was laughing whole heartedly again. And sleep. OMG, I was sleeping throughout the night again!!! I cried the other day when I found a secret love note that he left me I hadn't found before... I missed him terribly but no longer had the urge to call.

[Ekips]

Well, everyone's situation is different. I know in my situation I committed the cardinal sin by being the first one to initate contact!

 

If you're not ready to handle a potential rejection, then continuing the NC may be best. Don't wait for him to come to you - move on and if it happens, it happens.

 

Let us know how things go!

 

True. Everyone's situation is different yet the underlying feelings are similar... we want to be with our exes. But we want to be happy with them not just be with them. Don't beat yourself up for making the first one to initiate contact. I did that once before and he didn't call me back. I believe our pain is big because our love was big. Thank you for your support, it means so much to me.

[annie24]

and i think you are doing really well! i don't know. usually i read the getting back together forum and i think most people are delusional about getting their ex back. but i think you might actually have a shot, lol. were there any other reasons besides him feeling 'smothered' and 'wanting to be single?' i've seen a lot of times when the guy finally does have that space, then he no longer wants it. on your end, i would continue to be aloof.

 

anyways, i know it's really confusing. sometimes it's easier just to know it's over, so you can focus on moving on, but that sort of 'limbo' can be confusing. i think you just need to keep doing what you are doing. i know it's hard, but try not to get your hopes up, because i think not getting your hopes up will work in your favor, know what i mean?

[persimmon]

True. Everyone's situation is different yet the underlying feelings are similar... we want to be with our exes. But we want to be happy with them not just be with them. Don't beat yourself up for making the first one to initiate contact. I did that once before and he didn't call me back. I believe our pain is big because our love was big. Thank you for your support, it means so much to me.

 

 

I'm not beating myself up - it worked!

[Ekips]

I'm not beating myself up - it worked!

 

 

Oh wow!! Sorry for jumping ahead of myself. lol. Oh yes, now I remember your story!!!

[Ekips]

I feel like I'm doing much better than two months ago. Don't get me wrong, I still have waves of emotions, but I embrace each wave and ride it out. As far as him feeling smothered and wanted to be single: He didn't exactly say "I want to be single" he said "When I was single, I was free do do whatever I wanted, now I feel smothered and lately I feel distant." I know. Lame. And how does one feel smothered yet distant? Did i mention we live 45 minutes away from each other? This response came after I asked him what he wanted after he couldn't respond to 'what do you want from me?'

 

I am working on me, the me I always wanted to be. I would love for him to be part of my life, I felt we were soulmates. But who knows, maybe this breakup was the best thing that could ever happen to us if there is an us in the future. Only time will tell if this is the case. If not, then I will be ok.

[D_Lish]

You handled it well and were able to handle it well and because of the 2 months NC previous to him calling. He's already had a taste of life without you in it and in those two months....I figure he was missing you and chatting to you, hence his call.....

 

Im in EXACT same boat. Three months NC here though and after the split and he initiated contact with me....I handled it well too and he's called me a few times since. I don't and have never called him and I figure if he wants me back, he will bring the subject up....so far he hasn't.

 

All situations are different though, yours could work out....but have no expectations that it will and carry on with your life meantime. Best thing is to let him call you, dont call him. Wait for him to bring the subject up and he will if he wants too. Good Luck anyway

[Ekips]

Thank you for your post. Assuming if he calls back (I don't want to hope), how would I continue speaking to him without getting into that friend zone? The last time we spoke before going NC I informed him that if it's space and singlehood he wanted I wanted to respect his wishes because I respected what we had. And if he was calling to discuss reconciliation, it would be something I would be open to discussing. But we spoke (lc for one month) and it was just talking for the sake of talking (he called each time with me inviting him over... didn't come over). I told him I was doing well (I fibbed) and it seemed he was doing well and just wanted to leave it at that. That was two months ago... after weeks of crying, not eating... you get the picture, I accepted it was truly over and started to enjoy life again and moving forward. Then this? Have you seen your ex since the split?

[melissag87]

That's great news! If you still love him I think you should go for it. I'm in a very similar situation. My b/f broke up with me about 1 month ago and I started NC about a few days ago. I've been so devestated about the whole thing and your story gives me some hope

 

Good Luck

[pestilence]

Ekips:

 

I think it's great that you spoke with your ex - not many people here have that opportunity. From your post, I couldn't tell if you had said or did something that would make him angry with you, which is good. Also, you didn't go fetal and get emotional over the phone - another plus!

 

At least you know right now you can both talk with each other. I wouldn't go too deep into anything emotional. I would say that if you feel you're not getting anywhere with him after awhile, to let him know with as little pressure as you can. It isn't nice to be used as an emotional tampon if you can help it, which is what a "friendship" will do. Why be demoted ? Why be kicked outta the bed? Just cut it off if you feel uncomfortable.

 

I did see my ex after we split. My ex opened the dreaded conversation (after we had spoken for about 45 minutes about life otherwise) with "So are you still seeing that girl?" and I responded yes but flatly refused to talk about her at all. I did tell my ex that I wanted to get back together (and meant every word and subsequent action that would obviously follow), so I sort of put my cards on the table.

 

I don't know if you'll ever need to do that right now.

 

(nomex suit on)

 

I'm thinking that it's a little different for guys and girls if guys do the breaking up. Unless a woman is out to lunch, guys will always come back and ask for a second chance, but the reverse doesn't happen as often.

[annie24]

yeah, i've had a lot of guys come back and ask for a second chance (or just come and sniff back around). but it's usually once i'm long over them.

[atelis]

ekips, i will try to be blunt and honest with you. A guy who fears being smothered has some major issues with fear, so i would be very cautious about how you approach this.

 

You need to ask him what he's prepared to do about his fears, because there is a high liklihood it will happen again once you get close to him. This is less about you working on yourself than it is about him needing to work on his fears. Most guys who fear engulfment (being smothered) actually fear love and they also probably fear abandonment or rejection as well.

[Ekips]

ekips, i will try to be blunt and honest with you. A guy who fears being smothered has some major issues with fear, so i would be very cautious about how you approach this.

 

You need to ask him what he's prepared to do about his fears, because there is a high liklihood it will happen again once you get close to him. This is less about you working on yourself than it is about him needing to work on his fears. Most guys who fear engulfment (being smothered) actually fear love and they also probably fear abandonment or rejection as well.

 

Thanks. I appreciate your comment on this is exactly why I am taking it slow for now. I want to make sure the issues that caused the breakup is handled appropriatley.. to prevent this again. He came from a divorce family and he had a difficult time coping with it when he was younger... I don't doubt he still cares for me. I'm being extra cautious because I feel it's too soon to reconcile (as much as I want it) he must feel the same way too. How soon would you suggest me asking him? And how do I know when the time is right? Assuming he calls again. Who knows, he may have just called to simply see what was going on with me. Either way, I know I will be ok with or without him.

 

Anyone else have any other suggestions, tips, comments. Anything will be helpful.

[D_Lish]

Thank you for your post. Assuming if he calls back (I don't want to hope), how would I continue speaking to him without getting into that friend zone?

 

I honestly don't know the question to that one, I'm trying to figure it out myself, lol. Because that is what I feel I have become, a 'friend'....

I think that perhaps when he calls, keep the calls as short as possible with him and be the first to hang up. Leave them wanting more, so to speak.

 

The last time we spoke before going NC I informed him that if it's space and singlehood he wanted I wanted to respect his wishes because I respected what we had. And if he was calling to discuss reconciliation, it would be something I would be open to discussing. But we spoke (lc for one month) and it was just talking for the sake of talking (he called each time with me inviting him over... didn't come over). I told him I was doing well (I fibbed) and it seemed he was doing well and just wanted to leave it at that. That was two months ago... after weeks of crying, not eating... you get the picture, I accepted it was truly over and started to enjoy life again and moving forward. Then this? Have you seen your ex since the split?

 

OK, this is what has happened in my situation:

 

We had no contact whatsoever, from day one of the split. Other than an apology I'd sent 3 weeks after the split, that went totally ignored. 2 months after I' sent the apology, I was at a stage where I was accepting it was over and was getting on with my life, moving on....then he calls and out of the blue and I was real surprised and because I truly had thought I'd never hear from him again.

Because it had been so long since I'd heard from him and I was no longer an emotional wreck, I was able to chat to him without going all emotional on him. The split wasn't mentioned, getting back together wasn't mentioned, we just talked about what he'd been up too, what I'd been up too. He sounded really pleased to be chatting to me and I'd been happy to hear from him. He was on the phone for an hour, said it had been great to chat to me and said he'd call again sometime....

 

And he did a week later. Again, it was more or less idle chatter. In this call, I'd decided to be the one to end it and when I told him I had to go, he'd seemed pretty upset and questioned as to why I was going, but I'd said I was busy and had things to do, so he said ok, will call again.

 

Didn't hear anything for two weeks....then he calls. He apologised for not calling sooner, but he'd had no credit on his phone.

During his third call he starts to talk about the past relationship, so I talk about it too and he makes some hurtful remarks that upset me. I say nothing, but just hang up on him and he persistently calls back until I pick up.

I'd then asked what was the point in these calls he was making and why did he seemly want to hurt me? Said he was joking and winding me up and he'd got angry and he'd said he wouldn't call me again, then he hung up. A minute later he was ringing again and then things were ok. He'd mentioned coming to see me, but also that I was too far away. We are 2 hours apart you see. Next day he rang five times. Once to tell me, he was playing cricket, lol - Day after, he rang four times....but some of these calls I'd missed and because we have a bad reception where I live. I'd thought it was a good sign that his frequency in calling me, was picking up and from some of the things he'd said, it appeared that he was moving closer and obvious he still thinks of me in a romantic way - however, it's now 8 days since I last heard from him....so Im unsure what to think.

 

Throughout though, I havn't contacted him. If he wants me, he knows how to reach me and meanwhile I'm getting on with life....

[Brokenheart00]

Congra. It seems like you are moving toward the right direction.

 

NC does work. I went on 7 days of NC. My ex went from being extremely mean to me to be friendly nice now. I am really surprised. Omygosh. O_o

[Tanzi]

i think you did really well. you were cool and collected and didn't get needy or emotional on him. i'd let him be the one to continue initiating contact. since he says he felt 'smothered' give him 5x the space he asks for! but in the meantime, continue to move on. i bet he will suggest getting back together. my 2 cents.....

 

I agree.

 

It certainly seems like he is "sniffing around" and as for the excuse ..... lol.

 

You said in another post that you had started moving on and "was loving it". I know that feeling, you don't think you will get there and when you do ... its a very "free-ing" moment. Try not to lose that. You have worked hard to get there. definitely let him initiate contact again and stay focussed on moving on. If he really wants to come back he knows where you are.