paulina Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Hi again, I posted here once or twice some time ago. My situation is this: brother in law (husband’s brother) and I have over many years, developed feelings for each other. He has never made a secret of being attracted to me and was openly affectionate with me. However, we have never talked about it either, like it was no big deal because we never hid anything from anyone and everything he did could be taken for affection. Then I felt that my feelings were getting out of control and started to avoid him by avoiding family gatherings and stuff a lot, which started to raise questions. One day I tried to talk to him about this (that I could not go no like that) and I realised that he would not talk with me about this situation (it’s in my previous posts). I realised I was entirely on my own in this and felt I had to make a decision, so I pure and simple stopped talking to him altogether and have avoided him at all costs since then. We have not talked to each other for 3 months and now he is mad at me and is even openly unpleasant when we see each other. I have never stopped talking to anyone like this in my entire life. I do very much want us to make up but I am still desperately in love with him. I had thought this would help me finally get over him but it hasn't. My problem is: I am afraid if I wait until the time I am no longer in love with him to resume our normal relationship as brother and sister in law, I may have to wait all life. What do I do? I have managed to avoid temptation but at the expenses of our friendship. I have had to do this to protect my heart, protect my husband, protect the whole family and to avoid being in a situation where I just could not hide what I feel for him any more, but none of us is getting any younger, he has recently lost his job and had other serious trouble in his life and it made me extremely sad not to be able to talk to him or comfort him like I would normally do. Life is short and you know, I am starting to think, what if anything irreparable happens to any of us? What if one of us dies? People die unexpectedly all the time; I don’t want to die without telling him that, oh God , I am not just in love with him (he knows that) but that I also love him as if he was my own flesh and blood. Do I continue to keep away from him? For how long? When will it be too much? My mother in law said something to me the other day in front of him that makes me think she has picked up on something: she said “sometimes we try to push away from us the ones we love most”. He was there and heard it. And I did not know what to say. Link to comment
amipushy Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 If you want an end to this then tell your husband. It really is as simple as that. Tell him that you have developed feeling for his brother and are very sorry, and that you don't want to feel like that and think that you need to keep away from him. Your brother in law is also to blame for this. The very fact that he refuses to speak to you about this tells me that its a bad flirt gone wrong and its the secrecy, the anxiety of such a guilty secret that has kept it alive for so long, not because of feelings of love, however real they may be. I am also 99% sure from the fact that he won't speak to you about it that if push came to shove he would take it to the very limit with you and possibly have a minor affair (maybe some stolen kiss or a night of passion) with you but when it all came out and the guilt is too much and all the family are involved he will dump you because of the blood ties. Your husband then will either leave you or resent you for the rest of his life and family life will never be the same. You will have to avoid family functions because of the shame and embarrassment. The problem is that you are 'protecting' your husband but what you are really doing is protecting yourself and his brother and drowning in the guilt and secrecy in the process. Telling your husband will end all that. Sure things will be rocky for a while but it IS the right thing to do. By confessing and sticking together it will bring about the ending that should be, for your sake, for your husband's sake and your family's sake. If you don't tell him and continue to live this way, the pressure and anxiety will only increase and there is a very real possibility of nervous breakdown. Be warned. Link to comment
DJBaby Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 I don't agree that you should tell your husband. You haven't acted on the feelings, right? You are doing the right thing by avoiding the brother also. Keep up the no contact, but telling your husband is only going to hurt him. Link to comment
WindowTo Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 The problem is that you are 'protecting' your husband but what you are really doing is protecting yourself and his brother and drowning in the guilt and secrecy in the process. I agree with this 100%. You aren't protecting anyone but yourself and I guess your husbands brother here. We aren't kids here, these kinds of feelings only develop when you let that sort of interaction take place. If you are in a relationship it is your responsibility to avoid flirting that you know can lead somewhere. Whether that means cutting a conversation short, canceling a lunch date, or just walking to another part of a room. It is already to late to avoid the situation gracefully, as you are trying to do now. Either way, your husband and other family members are the victims and you are going to end up in a bad situation. I don't think this is even a time where you should be deciding if you are a liar or not, rather it is time to think about what is best for the people you are hurting. I do think that the longer you lie to your husband, the worse it will hurt him when he finds out. I also think that you can never be with his brother without it being a really screwed up thing to do. Maybe I am being too judgmental, but it is really selfish of you to title this post protecting YOUR heart in this situation where you have committed emotional infidelity with this mans BROTHER! he must not be an honorable man that's for sure. If I found myself attracted to my brothers SO I would poke my eyes and ears out before I decided to start flirting with her. That is really gross. Link to comment
amipushy Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 I don't agree that you should tell your husband. You haven't acted on the feelings, right? You are doing the right thing by avoiding the brother also. Keep up the no contact, but telling your husband is only going to hurt him. You say she hasnt acted on her feelings but she is having an emotional affair with her brother-in law and thats worse than any physical act because the emotions stay and grow stronger every day. In fact, she has got to the stage where she is falling apart infront of her own family such is her distress over the way she feels. And the fact that she has contacted him and asked to speak to him means she HAS acted on her feelings. She is trying to make him take this all away but she is looking to the wrong person. He isn't the one who put them there like she think, SHE put them there and only she can take them away. By chasing this guy down to make him make it stop. She is not keeping no contact as a way to get over him, she is only keeping no contact in an attempt to push the feelings away and still the pressure is building up so much so that she is can't find peace of mind. She needs to do break the spelll and she needs to do it soon or she is going to make herself really ill. If this was your wife, would you rather not know that that is happenign under your nose and that your wife is going through all that alone? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 I remember your situation and it seems nothing has changed. I don't see where you have tried to become closer to YOUR HUSBAND! You have transferred your feelings to your brother in law that you once felt for your husband. You are not protecting anyone but yourself. Saying what if we die before I can express myself to him is you wanting to be with him. You need to be honest with yourself before any of this can be resolved. You cannot be friends with your brother in law if you are in LOVE with him! Continue NC and work on your marriage. Figure out why you are being so selfish and are willing to ruin your marriage and a whole family for your wants. From what you described your brother in law would not choose you over his brother or family anyways. You have everything to loose and nothing to gain by continuing your fantasy with him. Focus the attention you have been putting into worrying about the brother in law and put that into your marriage. If your marriage cannot be saved then end it and leave. Your husband may not be perfect but he certainly has never done anything to warrant this kind of behavior from the two people in his life that are supposed to love him the most. seek help before you destroy so many lives Lost Link to comment
paulina Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 « I don't see where you have tried to become closer to YOUR HUSBAND! » We are close. But if I can spare him this then why hurt him? Yes, I am going nuts but I think I have managed to keep a cool front most of the times. And don't tell me to separate. I do not believe in separation. Although I am not a religious person I believe marriage is for life. Separation would inflict so much more pain on anyone concerned than the current situation, which only makes ME sad. «Saying what if we die before I can express myself to him is you wanting to be with him. » As I see it, that's a huge leap of logic. What I said is, I do not want to die before we have pached things up. BIL is like our best friend. Why do you say that I want to make up with him to be with him? «seek help before you destroy so many lives» I have sought help and it hasn't ... helped... But I get your point. Link to comment
amipushy Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 It is the very fact that you are a such a good person and have strong values and beliefs that you feel such shame and guilt and want to hide what has happened and what you have done from your husband but by keeping this to yourself you are blowing it out of proportion.. But this isn't going to get better by forcing yourself to forget or stop having feelings for him, because as you are slowly realizing - the more you force forgetfulness and push away the feelings, the more they clings and the worse you become. I know you don't want to hurt him and you say that you believe that marriage is for life but yet you are making a fool of your husband behind his back which is why I STILL recommend that you confess to your husband and end this once and for all. Saying that you want to spare him is just another way of saying that you can't face the shame. Stop mentally running away and face it. Link to comment
WindowTo Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 >>We are close. But if I can spare him this then why hurt him? Well, the longer you lie to him the worse a person you will come off as and the more poison you will introduce into his soul via hate if he does find out. That's why. But maybe you will get lucky and somehow wake up and realize that you are partaking in nonsense. Then you will be able to actually hold true to the conviction that marriage is sacred, because the consensus appears to be that marriage isn't just about a license and staying together. The whole point of such a sanctification is that you remain faithful to eachother, and forgo romantic relationships with others because you love eachother, which you have not done. The whole love and cherish thing probably is hard to do if you are in love with his brother. Link to comment
DJBaby Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I stick to my earlier advice... OP, if you tell your husband it will come off to him as "Honey, I think I'm in love with your brother but I want to stay with you." Which to him is going to mean he has to choose between his wife and his brother. Is that fair to someone who has done nothing wrong? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I am sorry but I don't understand how you could be that close to your husband and be flirting with his brother for all this time. There is obviously something missing in your marriage that you are looking for with your brother in law. This fantasy has been created in your mind over time and just trying to ignore it will not resolve the issue. You believe that marriage is forever and yet you have betrayed your husbands trust and love which could quite possibly end your marriage. This is not some harmless fantasy about a celebrity, it is about his brother. If you continue this I see your brother in law telling your husband......... Lost Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 For the record. This is a emotional affair. There is a healthy way to end this but being honest with yourself is the first step. Lost Link to comment
paulina Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 I am sorry but I don't understand how you could be that close to your husband and be flirting with his brother for all this time. There is obviously something missing in your marriage that you are looking for with your brother in law. This fantasy has been created in your mind over time and just trying to ignore it will not resolve the issue. You believe that marriage is forever and yet you have betrayed your husbands trust and love which could quite possibly end your marriage. This is not some harmless fantasy about a celebrity, it is about his brother. I agree to almost everything. But all is not black or white as you make it sound If you continue this I see your brother in law telling your husband......... This I don't understand. If I continue "this"? What is "this"? Avoiding BIL? What could he possibly tell my husband that it made him feel good to flirt with me and have me fall for him but now that I refuse to be around him because I have realised it has gone too far and it is madness he is mad at me? Link to comment
amipushy Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Actually he could tell his brother that he was only being friendly and having a laugh but that he thinks that his wife has feelings for him and is now an obsessive **** who is freaking him out by crying and stuff and has tried to get him alone on many occasions and you are the mad one. Link to comment
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