The Truth about Love

[COtuner]

I'm starting to feel a little more like I have been lately. I think this may have just been a backslide, but the thing is, I was completely calm and collected. Never once lost it and got emotional. It was almost like stoic resolve to do what I felt I had to do.

 

Maybe this realization was something that needed to happen. Maybe pretending to be over her finally wore me down, and the truth came out. Either way, I still feel okay, even though I don't think I'm going to follow through with the original intent of that message.

 

Thanks again to everyone for keeping me sane.

 

It really is a roller coaster, chewy. Take my advice - any time you have a drastic swing of thought in any direction, it's probably not rational thinking right now. Give it 24 hours or even 48 hours and see how you feel - most likely it will be different... that's a litmus test.

[Seymore]

Chewy, I had a chance to read over a good portion of that post you made. I think you definitely made the right decision. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine with my ex, so I truly sympathize with you.

 

I want to remind you of a couple of things you said in that thread:

 

I've been her doormat for too long

 

there's only so much a person can take.

 

You were in the right frame of mind then. Depression isn't a great thing to deal with for someone, but it's also been extremely stressful for you because you're on that rollercoaster. It sounds like a lot of things revolved around her, when she wants it. That is not how a healthy relationship functions. And her getting defensive and saying "accept me for who I am" when you bring up an issue is telling you "I don't care how you feel - you deal with the problems in our relationship". No, you BOTH do. How do you fix a problem when you can't even acknowledge it yourself?

 

The depression is her problem, and she needs to decide if she's going to truly work to fix it. No amount of your support is going to change that, especially if she's saying "This is me. Accept me the way I am." Ever hear the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"?

 

Think about it. A parent tells their kid "You're not getting a toy if you get an F". The kid gets an F, and the parent still gives the kid a toy. What does the kid learn? He obviously doesn't see a problem with getting an F, so everything is fine. She can act badly to you and you stick around, where's the reason for getting help?

 

Leave her be. I have hope that my ex will get help, overcome her problems and come back to me in a few years, too - but the reality is that a problem such as depression or behavior issues, or possibly more - will take a long time to fix, if it ever even happens. With or without you. Matter of fact, it may take even longer with you. It takes admitting that she needs help, getting help and sticking with help. Sounds a lot more daunting now, doesn't it?

 

I know you say you want to be there for her during that time, but A. That time may never come that she gets help, and B. In the meantime, you'll be her emotional punching bag, and quite possibly lose your own sanity in the process. We will know that we've truly healed when we're ambivalent about if they get help. It's THEIR lives, not ours. Sounds selfish, but as the saying goes: "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." You have to look out for YOU. If you start to take on the world's problems, you'll drive yourself mad.

 

Trust me when I say it's not worth it.

[chewy21]

That was a helluva post, Seymore. Thank you for that.

 

I can't say I disagree with anything you say. What I can say is that I'm still a little fuzzy on the boundaries. When do I stop caring? What will make me stop caring? I know these are personal question to which there will be personal answers, but I honestly can't see myself just being indifferent about her getting help. I can't go from giving my life to someone one moment to not caring if they live or die the next. And I understand it's not a matter of just a moment, but you get the point.

 

I think that no matter what happens, I'll still be happy if I ever hear that she got the helps she needs. It would take a lot of ill will toward her to make me indifferent about something as wonderful as that. That would mean that she has her life back, and nothing would make me happier.

 

But again, thank you for such an insightful post, Seymore. That was exactly what I needed to hear.

[Seymore]

 

I think that no matter what happens, I'll still be happy if I ever hear that she got the helps she needs. It would take a lot of ill will toward her to make me indifferent about something as wonderful as that. That would mean that she has her life back, and nothing would make me happier.

 

I've written this so many times since my breakup, and I don't understand fully how I'm supposed to feel indifferent about that, but one day I probably will.

 

But like I said, indifference is not hate nor ill will.