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should i be re-considering my relationship instead of asking for even more commitment?


mary1210

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Hello. My name is Mary and I’m 18 years old (turning 19 next month, he jsut turned 19). I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We both went to HS together. Our freshman year at college – we went to different schools about an hour away from each other, but I am transferring to his school in the fall b/c I didn’t end up liking my school and I feel like I’ll like his. I’ve recently have wanted to talk to him about our future. I wouldn’t want to get married till after college, but I’d like some sort of commitment from him – in the form of a promise ring or getting engaged. In my eyes, he’s the one – and I dated a guy before him for 4 years and was engaged, so I feel like I sort of know what I want from this relationship. However, in his eyes, he can’t see anything in the future. Whenever I bring it up, he says that the farthest in the future he can see is what we’re doing in the weekend.

I don’t know if it’s because we’re having issues or because in the long run I’m just not the person for him. He tells me that he can’t not see me with him – he says there’s nothing happening right now that will make us break up but that just sounds like settling to me. I’ve been thinking about whether it’s worth it to even force him into a real conversation.

Lately I’ve noticed some issues we’re having. One of them being money. Ever since we’ve been going out I always drive him around b/c I have a car and he doesn’t. I’ve never asked him for gas money b/c I feel weird and he’s never offered. I’ve made a comment about it a couple times but he hasn’t caught on. Also, from our first date, I remember getting coffee and he went first and ordered and when the person asked him if we were getting something together, he said no. Our first actual dinner date, we also split up the cost. I was okay with this because even though I have had guys pay for me in the past, I figured this made us equal. However, recently, he’s making me pay for more stuff. The other day we went out to dinner and the bill came and he basically talked me into paying. I said I would if he paid for tip. He then had to use the bathroom, leaving me there waiting, until the waiter came back with my credit card and I felt weird not tipping her then, so I did. I also buy him nicer gifts for his birthday and for Christmas. His birthday just passed and I spent over $100 on him, including gifts and dinner and etc. now my birthday will be coming up and I don’t want to tell him “oh spend a lot on me” I’m sure he can get me something nice w/o spending money but I still think that It wouldn’t be fair if he just spend $20 when I spent so much.

The other problem we’re having is with seeing each other. He feels that we can’t see each other every day and that we need breaks. He usually comes up w/ excuses “I have to fix my computer” “I’m really tired” “I don’t feel like driving and I don’t want you to come over”. On the other hand, it’s summer vacation so I hang out with my friends all the time. They don’t seem to need “breaks” to hang out with me. Is this normal? Shouldn’t he want to see me as much as possible? I’ve started to get closer w/ my friends b/c I see them more. So the other day, I was hanging out w/ him and they were texting me and he got mad I was replying because “I wasn’t paying attention to him”. In my eyes, I was trying to stay connected to the people that make it easier for me to be with.

There’s also other things but I don’t want to make this post that long. Is it worth it to nag him about commitment when we’re not even getting along now? I’ve tried discussing the second problem with him but it doesn’t get us anywhere and I feel really weird talking about the money problem. About money – I don’t have a job and my parents are not that well off so I barely have enough money. On the other hand, he usually carries $100 in his wallet, he has a job, and his parents are rich and give him money. He obviously shouldn’t pay for all my stuff but isn’t it unfair to make me pay for stuff when he obviously has more money? Should I be re-considering our relationship instead of trying to get us to be more committed? thank you

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You are both REALLY young. It simply sounds like you might be a bit more mature than he is. He's not abnormal; he's simply not yet mature. He's got plenty of time to do that. I would advise you seriously not to pressure him for a commitment. As he said, he can't even think much into this weekend let alone the future. And that's how it should be as he's a TEEN.

 

This is no judgement against you. I'm simply telling you that it's waay too early for him to get a commitment. If I were you, I would just relax and enjoy dating. If you two are still together closer to graduation, then consider talking about commitment.

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Why do you want to commit now? Personally, I don't want to commit until my life is a little more stable (not as many huge changes to get through). I'm 20 and have been dating my boyfriend 3.5 years. Although our relationship is doing well, we still have to get through a 6 month LDR for study abroad, and graduation/getting jobs - things that are going to require effort and compromise. I think if we get through the next 2/3 years, only then would I expect higher commitment. You are young and don't necessarily need to think about that yet, and obviously the guy you're with isn't ready for that either.

 

And by the sounds of it, you have lots of other things you two could be working through to improve your relationship. Commitment shouldn't be a priority until you work through problems and are truly happy with this guy, which it doesn't sound like you are??

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It seems that you want more than he does, in terms of time and commitment. It wouldn't be any use forcing him to discuss it. Why would you want to force him into anything, if he doesn't want that? The money thing would make me resentful, if it were me. That isn't right for him to let you pay for everything. I think it'd be better to think about whether you want to be with him, rather than try to get more of a commitment. But even if you break up and move on, it's not a good idea to pressure someone into a commitment which they don't really want.

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Would a ring on your finger make you feel more valued by someone who won't even buy you a coffee or chip in for a tank of gas? Who would shell out the cash for this ring, you? Or maybe he would split it with you if it pacifies you into demanding less from him in other ways?

 

I dunno. It sounds as though you're wishing for a mature and mutual relationship with a guy who might be otherwise terrific, but who doesn't share your vision.

 

I'd question whether investing so much in a guy this early in life is the best way to build the happiest college years. I'd be afraid of looking back with regret on all the time I could have spent getting to know other people and expanding my dating experience.

 

Is settling into playing house with someone who'll carry the furniture you pick out while you fight for his attention and try to prevent him from wanting to play like a kid really the kind of commitment you'd want?

 

Billy Joel's, 'Brenda and Eddy' song comes to mind.

 

Life is the best teacher. There's so much more to focus on than ways to manipulate someone else into wanting what you 'think' you want. Consider the idea that you don't even know what you don't know yet. Let that open you to some creativity. You might surprise yourself in ways you've never imagined.

 

In your corner.

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We've Been Dating Now More than...
We've Been Dating Now More than a Year

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