exback Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Hi! I need help. We have been together for 4 years and he asked me to marry him 2 years ago. 3.5 months ago my boyfriend (now Ex, 25) started ignoring me (23). Maybe because he had a lot of trouble at universitity... So I nagged because he ignored me and he didn't stop ignoring. After 3 weeks ignoring me and me nagging and begging the whole time I visited him at home but he just said "I don't want to talk"...Nothing else...I continued trying to talk to him 3 further weeks, I wrote mails, called and so on...He never answered anything and ignored me the whole time (totally 6 weeks). But I know he read all of my mails because sometimes he reacted not by answering but by sending my stuff to me by mail and so on. I asked friends and they told me he IS talking to them but not to me and they don't know why either. After 6 weeks of trying I gave up! I didn't contact him for the next 2 months and then I tried again but he didn't answered that email either (I wrote him I miss him and that I'm sorry because of what happened with us and so on). I'm sure he has NO new girlfriend and he didn't cheat on me. Our friends would have told me about that. I tried to ask his best friend about what happened but he just answered that he doesn't know and that he doesn't want to meddle in his friend's affairs and he started ignoring me too. So I'm left without answers and I don't know how to move on because I still love him and I don't know why he left.. And somehow I feel like a stalker still trying to contact him, not willing to accept the truth... If you have any advice please tell me... Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 You read the advice in every post here, we dont need to tell it again. He is using No Contact to heal. You should do the same. You have done more than possible to reach out and he has not responded. Until you realize that he may never respond, you are going to continue to hope that this next one will be the email he responds to. But he may never respond. And each time you hold out hope, you are failing to let go, heal, and move on. Its time to let go for a while. Trust me, at some point he will wonder where you have gone. Link to comment
EQD Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 if he's been ignorning you its time to back off and let go.. its been 3 1/2 months, you arent going to win his friendship by constantly nagging and bugging him. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 he's making it very clear that he wants to be left alone... i can't imagine that someone would just stop talking to their fiance for reasons that you are absolutely unaware of?? Link to comment
offplanet Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 He's not going to tell you why he's no longer interested. That might be inconsiderate of him, but, on the other hand, he's let you know very definitely that he DOESNT want to talk to you, and you are not respecting his wish, which means you also are being inconsiderate to him. If he doesn't want to explain why, he doesn't really HAVE to, unfair though that might seem. People don't have to explain. He might be afraid of your emotional reaction if he tells you he doesn't love you any more. Seeing as you've been 'nagging' and 'bugging' him for 3 months, after he's already said he doesn't want to talk, he could be forgiven for thinking that it'd be unwise to get into a discussion with you. It's understandable that you're upset, but its also understandable that he doesn't want to deal with your feelings, because, to be honest, as an outside observer, you're being VERY pushy with him. He sounds like a person who doesnt want any dramas. Many guys can't handle drama from women (even if the drama might be their fault). That's just the way it is. You have to accept his decision. Being pushy is not the way to keep a guy, unless a guy happens to like pushy women, but he doesn't sound like one of them. offplanet Link to comment
exback Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 You guys...YOU ARE RIGHT! But I didn't do it 3 months long...I didn't contact him 2 months long in between. And additionally, I really don't know the reason!! I did not cheat on him or anything else, the day before he started ignoring me we had a nice conversation ...everything seemed fine. Maybe I seem crazy and I should stop being pushy. I wish I wouldn't have been so pushy and you are right: he does not respect my wish to talk and to get answers BUT I don't respect his wish either... So thanks for your hard words!!! The truth hurts and now I am embarrassed!!! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Did he start this ignore treatment when you were still together as a couple? In other words there was no official breakup, he just started ignoring you? If that is the case then he is an incredible jerk. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I understand your need to want answers, if nothing else just for closure. Unfortunately he may never give them to you. I just recently got an explanation to a break-up that occurred over 11 years ago. We have had contact through out all that time and have always been friendly. It was only through short emails on Facebook that she finally told me her side, which was nothing what I thought. You have to come to acceptance that he may not give you the answers, and if he does, it may not be what you expect. Link to comment
meepmeep20 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Be friends with him after like, 2 years. Honestly. Link to comment
exback Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Crazyaboutdogs: Exactly...he started ignoring while we were still together...there was NO ofiicial break up... Link to comment
EQD Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 its still been 3.5 months.... you two were together for 4 years. did you have a big fight? dropping out like that after that long usually isnt out of the blue unless he's ted bundy. Link to comment
exback Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 He has trouble at university (after 6 years studying no bachelor's degree). The day he started ignoring he flunked an exam. An he didn't tell me...So I nagged because he ignored me not knowing which trouble he was in...And I think he decided for himself: it is enough!!! But there was no fight or something like this... Link to comment
EQD Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 He has trouble at university (after 6 years studying no bachelor's degree). The day he started ignoring he flunked an exam. An he didn't tell me...So I nagged because he ignored me not knowing which trouble he was in...And I think he decided for himself: it is enough!!! But there was no fight or something like this... no.. but i bet there was alot of crap that went on in your relationship for this to have happened the way it did... just because he flunked an exam isnt a reason to break up with you much less cold shoulder you. i'm guessing there was a good amount of turmoil and instability in this relationship you had with him towards the end. the way you are both going about things suggests you both have alot of growing up to do and likely it reflected in the quality of the relationship and the conflicts and even resolution of conflicts that it presented. Link to comment
exback Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 EQD: YES...We had lots of problems. For example: I was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend and he often told me about his wish to get to know other women and his wish not to be controlled by me and to be FREE. And you are right and I'm really embarrassed because my behavior IS childish and his is too. I should be able to accept that he does not want to talk and he should have been grown up enough to tell me that he wants to break up... I think the reason for the break up is what you mentionend: "i'm guessing there was a good amount of turmoil and instability in this relationship you had with him towards the end" Definitely!!!!! Link to comment
EQD Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 well there you have it. the guy doesnt want to be with you anymore, he's openly told you he wants to be free to explore. in the future you should always let them go as soon as they say or indicate that message to you. because its useless to hang in there with them. but learn from this and examine what caused him to think of you as a 'ball and chain' that way you dont drive away the next guy by repeating the pasts mistakes. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Some people just can't handle confrontation and avoid emotional scenes. Perhaps he felt guilty about the breakup and just didn't want to talk about it. I've unfortunately known people where everything was fine, and the person just stopped calling and refusing to answer, just basically disappeared with no explanation. That is really a rude way to end a relationship, especially a long one, but it's more a sign of him not being able to deal with your emotions and wanting to avoid the drama that a breakup brings. But it is mean, because the other person is left wondering what is going on. But if you know he's alive and making a choice to ignore you, then you have to accept that he doesn't want to be with you, and is too weak a person to face up to you and tell you that. I wouldn't waste any more time beating your head against this brick wall. There's really nothing you can do if he refuses to communicate, other than trying to move on and find someone who does want to be with you. Link to comment
Lauren.xo Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Sounds like my ex. Wants to be "free", wants to meet "new girls" because he is 22 and if he doesn't see what else is out there, he won't no I was "the one". Its complete BS. Just get angry and let him go. What an ass for not even giving you closure. Sure you pushed, but don't feel bad.. You were going through heartbreak! You had no answers. It happened, brush it off and get mad. Don't contact him again, move forward and better your life without him. You can do it! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I think your actions are understandable under the circumstances. It is one thing if he actually broke up with you and then instituted NC..but he just stopped talking to you while you were still in a relationship. No matter how bad the relationship is, there should at least be a termination discussion no matter how brief. It is courtesy to let the other person know what is going on...not just disappear off the face of the earth and let the other person figure out by the silent treatment. I think you are better off without this loser. Link to comment
brokenheart311 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 he's making it very clear that he wants to be left alone... i can't imagine that someone would just stop talking to their fiance for reasons that you are absolutely unaware of?? It's hard to imagine, but it does happen. My fiance' left and when she broke it off she said that she had been distant for a few months. That truly was not the case. Even though, because of our schedules, we only had a short time eahc night to be alone together before bed we talked every night for a good 45 minutes and our day, plans for the wedding, imagaining how great the honeymoon was going to be. the day before she left she talked about her excitement of getting married 5 weeks later and how happy she was, how perfect we were together....then boom, the next night it was all over. Smashed like a rotten pumpkin being tossed off an overpass 3 weeks after Halloween. The OP should go NC. I know how confusing your situation is, but there is nothing that you can do about it. constantly calling, emailing, texting , stalking will not bring him back. I can't NC will bring him back either but it has a much stronger chance than your current behavior. Keep doing what you are doing and he will end up loathing you, if he doesn't already. Right now , in his mind, you are reinforcing his decision to leave, he is sitting there telling himself "wow i dodged that bullet". So please just stop, it hurts like hell not knowing their psychology of why things ended, but you will never move on this way. Link to comment
exback Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Thank you - all of you... Yes, "closure" is the right word. I didn't get that. But you are right: closure is nothing he can give me...I have to move on and yes I guess he is already loathing me and angry that I'm still emailing and texting! Starting today I will stop!!! Do you think that, if he is loathing me he will stop one day to feel that way about me!? It is not about beeing back together anymore...I just don't want him to remember me as psychotic! I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I feel as if I'm crazy Link to comment
Thornbirds18 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 No matter how painful truth is you need to let go. He didn't respect you at all why should you risk losing your dignity to tell him you still care? Link to comment
Thornbirds18 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Thank you - all of you... Yes, "closure" is the right word. I didn't get that. But you are right: closure is nothing he can give me...I have to move on and yes I guess he is already loathing me and angry that I'm still emailing and texting! Starting today I will stop!!! Do you think that, if he is loathing me he will stop one day to feel that way about me!? It is not about beeing back together anymore...I just don't want him to remember me as psychotic! I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I feel as if I'm crazy Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes when we couldn't rationalize people's behavior. I once called two exes 100-200 hundred times for fun because they dumped me without a rational excuse. It's a way for me to let go when they got angry (e.g. one guy threatened to call the police and I stopped al l the contact, forgot him in two weeks and got my doctoral degree in three months). Kinda stupid and psycho, but if they don't bother to pick up the phone and tell you the truth they don't deserve you. Just learn from the mistakes and you'll be a stronger and better person. Link to comment
exback Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Thank you. I feel better now knowing that I'm not the only one doing unreasonable things But nevertheless: there is at least one human on earth knowing my "psychotic side" and I wish it wouldn't have happened. Can't chance that now and I have to live with it but maybe some years later he will experience something similar and understand what I have been going through... Somehow... after talking to you guys I feel relieved because my friends couldn't understand my actions because they never lost their dignity in order to get their boyfriend/girlfriend back... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Thank you. I feel better now knowing that I'm not the only one doing unreasonable things But nevertheless: there is at least one human on earth knowing my "psychotic side" and I wish it wouldn't have happened. Can't chance that now and I have to live with it but maybe some years later he will experience something similar and understand what I have been going through... Somehow... after talking to you guys I feel relieved because my friends couldn't understand my actions because they never lost their dignity in order to get their boyfriend/girlfriend back... I wonder if your friends ever had someone they were seeing just drop off the face of the earth with no explanation, no actual breakup. Link to comment
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